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  • A powerful instinct when we meet someone we're attracted to is to try to please them - and

    當我們遇到一個我們被吸引的人時,一個強大的本能是試圖取悅他們--而且。

  • we can naturally assume that the best way we might do this is to signal just how much

    我們很自然地認為,最好的方式是發出信號,表明我們有多少錢。

  • we agree with their views and choices on all matters great and small.

    我們同意他們對所有大小事務的看法和選擇。

  • On an early date, when they happen to mention that they love dancing, we will reveal that

    在早期的約會中,當他們碰巧提到他們喜歡跳舞時,我們就會透露出

  • of course we love dancing too. Or when they explain how boring they find museums, we will

    當然,我們也喜歡跳舞。或者當他們解釋他們覺得博物館有多無聊時,我們就會

  • hide that on a trip to Berlin last year, we spent a whole fascinating day in the galleries

    在去年的柏林之行中,我們在畫廊中度過了整整一天。

  • of the Altes Museum.

    阿爾茨博物館的。

  • We may not state direct falsehoods but we stretch and bend the truth to its limits so

    我們可以不直接陳述假話,但我們將真理延伸和彎曲到極限,所以。

  • as to create an impression of near-total alignment.

    以造成一種近乎完全一致的印象。

  • Along the way, it rarely occurs to us that they might be performing some of the same

    在這一過程中,我們很少想到他們可能在執行一些相同的任務。

  • rigmarole for us, that they might also be adjusting their self-presentation in subtle

    他們可能也在微妙地調整他們的自我表現,為我們提供了一個僵化的過程。

  • but powerful ways to fit in with what they take to be our preferences and values. There's

    但有力的方式來適應他們認為是我們的喜好和價值觀。有

  • a tragi-comic aspect to our deepening mutual attraction. Two decent people are trying to

    在我們不斷加深的相互吸引中,有了悲劇性的一面。兩個正直的人正試圖

  • be as nice as they can. No one is setting out to deceive and yet, gradually, a set of

    儘可能的好。沒有人設身處地地去欺騙,然而,漸漸地,一套。

  • hugely misleading and dangerous ideas about who each person really is, are getting established.

    巨大的誤導性和危險的想法,關於每個人的真實身份,正在建立。

  • The apparent success of our will-to-please can inspire us to move in together and later

    表面上我們的意願成功,可以激發我們一起行動,後來

  • to marry. And then - inevitably - the prolonged, intimate scrutiny that coupledom brings reveals

    結婚。然後... 不可避免地... 夫妻生活所帶來的長期的、親密的檢查揭示了...

  • the scale of our mistaken expectations. In a sequence of disillusioning stages, we are

    我們錯誤的期望的規模。在一連串的幻滅階段,我們是

  • each saddened, disappointed and shocked to discover who we have ended up with. There

    每一個人都為我們的結局感到悲傷、失望和震驚。有

  • are recriminations, rows and fragile reconciliations until finally one or other of us comes to

    是指責、爭吵和脆弱的和解,直到最後我們中的一個或另一個走到了一起

  • the grim, but still surprising conclusion that we were never compatible.

    殘酷的,但仍然令人驚訝的結論,我們從來沒有兼容。

  • Or we may stick at it with growing misery. We face a life-time of holidays that never

    或者我們可能帶著越來越多的痛苦堅持下去。我們面對一生的假期,永遠不會

  • involve the museum visits we crave. We have to resign ourselves to never having had the

    包括我們渴望的博物館參觀。我們不得不認命,永遠也不會有

  • kind of sex we want. Or, even more grievously, we eventually embark on a furtive life; we

    我們想要什麼樣的性。或者,更令人痛心的是,我們最終開始了隱祕的生活;我們。

  • seek out the moments when they're away to pursue needs we've pretended not to have.

    尋找他們不在的時刻,追求我們假裝沒有的需求。

  • Until one day our double-life is exposed - and we drown in bitterness, fury and sorrow.

    直到有一天,我們的雙重生活暴露了--我們淹沒在痛苦、憤怒和悲傷之中。

  • Yet the origin of such nightmares is only ever a hugely touching, but painfully flawed

    然而,這種噩夢的起源,永遠只是一個巨大的感動,但痛苦的缺陷。

  • and risky, devotion to being an easy match. We want to be simple; and yet we end up in

    和風險,致力於成為一個簡單的比賽。我們希望簡單;然而我們最終卻在

  • a very complicated mess.

    一個非常複雜的混亂。

  • A genuinely simpler approach would involve daring to be a bit more complex from the start.

    真正簡單的做法是,從一開始就敢於做得更復雜一些。

  • There is no need to be brazen or demanding just as there is no requirement that our date

    沒有必要厚顏無恥,也沒有必要苛求,就像我們的約會沒有要求一樣

  • agree or even stick around beyond dessert (or the main course). Some will run away - and

    同意,甚至在甜點(或主菜)之後還能堅持下去。有些人會跑掉--而且

  • should. It will save everyone a lot of time.

    應該。會給大家節省很多時間。

  • In order to be honest in seduction, we need a basic sense of acceptability, we must know

    要想在誘惑中做到誠實,我們需要有基本的接受能力,我們必須知道

  • that we are not perfect but that we are not for that matter wholly abject or shameful.

    我們並不完美,但我們並不是以而完全赤裸或可恥。

  • Our inner conviction that our oddities are essentially reasonable allows us to present

    我們內心堅信,我們的怪事本質上是合理的,這讓我們可以提出

  • ourselves to another person without fear or defensiveness.

    我們自己對另一個人沒有恐懼或防備。

  • Our candour then arms us with the right to ask our date to reveal - with similar honesty

    我們的坦誠讓我們有權利要求我們的約會對象以同樣的坦誠來揭示。

  • - what may be individual and difficult about their own characters. If they insist that

    - 他們自己的性格可能有什麼個性和困難。如果他們堅持認為

  • they are really very simple and 'easy', we are allowed to be gently but firmly sceptical.

    他們真的很簡單,很 "容易",我們被允許輕輕地但堅定地懷疑。

  • They are a human being, and to be human is to be complicated. It cannot possibly be true

    他們是一個人,做人就是要複雜。這不可能是真的

  • that they exist without significant quirks.

    它們的存在沒有重大的怪癖。

  • Being straightforward on dates is in the end a mechanism for two people to fast-forward

    在約會上直來直去,說到底是兩個人快進的機制。

  • time - and to spare themselves agony. We should know that a polished surface can't be a

    時間--也讓自己免於痛苦。我們應該知道,光潔的表面不可能是一個。

  • true picture of who anyone can be. Only once our mutual complexities have been outlined

    任何人都可以成為誰的真實寫照。只有當我們共同的複雜性被勾勒出來後

  • should we sense that we are safe in the presence of a fellow mature and pleasingly direct individual.

    我們是否應該感覺到,在一個成熟的、令人愉悅的直接的同伴面前,我們是安全的。

  • We will have the simpler relationships we desire, when we can dare to share and accommodate

    當我們能夠敢於分享和包容的時候,我們就會擁有自己想要的簡單關係。

  • the actual complexities of human nature.

    人性的實際複雜性。

A powerful instinct when we meet someone we're attracted to is to try to please them - and

當我們遇到一個我們被吸引的人時,一個強大的本能是試圖取悅他們--而且。

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