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  • Julian: Has it something that in your relationship either of you have acknowledged at one point

  • and brought up? Participant 1: Sex?

  • P2: Are you attracted to me at all? P3: Like us talking about sex?

  • P1: Us talking about sex together?

  • Julian: Can guys and girls be just friends?

  • Can they do it in spite of attraction? What if you find yourself in the friend-zone? What

  • about friends with benefits? As you can see this all gets complicated, fast.

  • Cross-sex friendships are actually shockingly recent to human history. It's really only annoyed

  • us for the past one percent of our existence. Only like a few thousand years. Before that,

  • for the first 99% when we were mostly nomadic there's almost no ethnographic evidence of

  • men and women having platonic friendships. But even though we're not wired for it, socially

  • we are way ahead of the curve. Men and women work together, learn together, and socialize

  • together. So if you want to thrive in the modern world, you better get good at having

  • platonic friends. Now at their core friendships are social exchange, each of you has needs,

  • and the trades got to be fair. When two people's needs are very different one person usually

  • gets hung out to dry. Now if you need someone to be more than a friend, but they only need

  • a friend, you might feel trapped in a friend zone. What about if you're in a friends with

  • benefits relationship and you develop the need for emotional support and commitment,

  • but your partner is just content with the physical side. We so often find ourselves

  • on one side of the fence because we only know what we need out of a friendship. But we never

  • even think about what the other person's needs are. So today, we gathered a group of male,

  • female friends and had them take a crack at awkwardly figuring it out.

  • Julian: So we have here a board of needs, and we want you to consider looking over all

  • this in your friendship what do you need out of that.

  • P1: What I need from a friendship? Julian: Yeah, things that you need from this

  • friendship. Go ahead, take your time, consider what you want, when you do just put them in

  • the circle alright? P3: Okay!

  • P4: That's an easy one. P5: Criticism.

  • Julian: So, what do we have?

  • P2: Well I have a lot of needs. P1: I picked money, humor.

  • P4: Stimulating conversation. P6: Dependability.

  • P2: Optimism. P3: Romance, in the platonic way. He's like

  • a romantic guy! P7: Keep me sharp and focused!

  • P8: Criticism. P6: An ear to complain to.

  • P1: And healthy competition. Julian: Since everybody was such a pro at

  • talking about their needs, we had them take a stab at telling us what the other person

  • needs out of the friendship.

  • P4: Won't overthink it. I'll just throw it on there because I could keep reshuffling

  • many many times. Julian: Have you ever considered what it is

  • that she might need out of the friendship before or was this the first time.

  • P1: This probably would be the first time. [laughs] It's kind of sad.

  • Julian: Was it difficult to pick these five out?

  • P3: It was a little tougher. P2: I feel like in friendships it's this system

  • of checks and balances where it's like alright I want to make sure that I'm getting my needs

  • met and I'm not really thinking about if they're getting their needs met. So it was nice to

  • be able to actually think about what Matt does want from me in a friend, even if I totally ignore it.

  • P3: I guess I never really thought about what

  • he needs from me! I guess I'm just selfish! Julian: Do you think most people only consider

  • their own needs in a relationship? P3: Well now I'm thinking that probably, yeah!

  • Julain: Alright Jared, Jennifer, what we have here is two venn diagrams. The one over here

  • on the left is what each of you thinks the other person needs and the one on the right

  • is what you each said you yourselves need. Julain: So looking over all this information

  • seeing that you kind of seem to understand what each other needs, how do you think that

  • affects your relationship with each other? P3: I think that's probably why we're such

  • good friends and that's why it's easy being friends!

  • P1: That's why we're staying good friends! Julian: Is there anything specific that you

  • guys get out of male female relationships that you don't get out of relationships with

  • members of the same sex. P5: Yeah!

  • P2: Just a different perspective, a different point of view.

  • P3: Because I really don't know. P1: We've had these conversations.

  • P3: What's going through dude's brains and I feel like Alex, what does this weird thing

  • mean. P5: In my female relationships I can be emotional

  • and they get it whereas like I think of like going out to lunch with my guy friends and

  • they're like "hm, what's up man." Julian: Why do you think a lot of people seem

  • to have difficulty with male female friendships? P1: Sex!

  • P3: Sex, yeah. P6: Self-control.

  • P2: Sex. P8: Because hormones!

  • P7: Hormones, yeah! P6: Yeah, I think really it comes down to

  • a matter of self-control and respecting the other person so much.

  • P8: You don't need to try to stick your thing in everything.

  • P7: Thank you! P8: It complicates things!

  • P2: Just because one person might be attracted to the other person, you know, doesn't mean

  • that you have to act on it, you know, if you value their friendship enough.

  • P6: That's the big part is momentary pleasure, does that defeat long-term rewarding fulfilling

  • relationships. Julian: What we found was really interesting.

  • Not only did almost all of these cross-sex friends feel some attraction towards each

  • other, they had openly discussed it and then opted to continue the friendship without moving

  • into a romantic relationship. Why? Because they realized the benefits of these particular

  • friendships outweighed those of a relationship. Julian: Are there benefits to just being friends

  • that you don't get out of a relationship? P3: Yeah, because there's less of a responsibility

  • I guess. P2: With boyfriends I feel like it's always,

  • the relationship lets talk about the relationship, whats up with the relationship, the next level.

  • With you it's like whatever, it just is what it is. There's not a lot of maintenance that

  • I have to do to maintain a friendship with you besides just being myself.

  • P5: I'm low-maintenance. P4: In romantic relationships where there

  • is sex involved a lot of times a lot of it gets shifted and put heavily on sex. To where

  • with Jennifer and I there's no sex involved there is so much focus on a lot of these things

  • that we both pick because that is what we share together and all of the intensity stays

  • right there. P2: I love that I don't want to have sex with

  • you. I wake up everyday "Thank god I don't want to have sex with you" so that we can

  • keep being friends! And you're able to fight you're attraction of me.

  • P5: Yeah, I'm able to fight my attraction to her that I can't bare.

  • P2: Are you attracted to me at all? P5: Yeah!

  • P2: Is this a question? I just want to know. P5: I mean I think you're attractive.

  • Julian: Has there ever been an attraction between you two?

  • P3: I'm totally attracted to you, he's like a beautiful person!

  • P6: Just because it's there, doesn't mean you have to engage in it.

  • P4: And we are open about it, like it's not something we try and act like doesn't exist

  • because any time you try and suppress any emotion or anything you're thinking it ends

  • up just bubbling up and being even worse that what it originally is.

  • P7: I think just having trust and just being open and just going with it, in todays time,

  • you want a good friendship with the opposite sex.

  • Julian: Attraction only breaks a friendship if you let it. Feeling attracted to somebody

  • isn't your choice, but addressing it is. The key isn't to repress it, but to acknowledge

  • that it exists. Whether or not you confess it to them, it's totally your call, but so

  • is letting it stop you from having friends of the opposite sex. So figure out what you

  • both need out of the friendship by considering how it looks from the other person's side.

  • It's worth it for you to understand what's in it for them.

  • I'm Julian, and this has been the Science of Love!

  • SoulPancake, Subscribe!

Julian: Has it something that in your relationship either of you have acknowledged at one point

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愛的科學|男女可以做普通朋友嗎? (The Science of Love | Can Men and Women Be Just Friends?)

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    林利憲 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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