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  • [ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you so much.

    [歡呼聲和掌聲] 非常感謝你。

  • Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome

    歡迎,歡迎,歡迎,歡迎,歡迎,歡迎

  • to "The Tonight Show."

    到 "今夜秀"。

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

    讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

  • Well, guys, yesterday,

    嗯,夥計們,昨天。

  • President Trump did an interview with "60 Minutes,"

    特朗普總統接受了 "60分鐘 "的採訪。

  • and it didn't go exactly as planned.

    而它並沒有完全按計劃進行。

  • Take a look.

    看看吧

  • -President Trump abruptly ended a solo interview

    -特朗普總統突然結束了單獨採訪

  • with CBS's "60 Minutes,"

    與CBS的 "60分鐘",

  • and the President did not return to the room

    而主席沒有回到房間

  • for a joint interview with Vice President Mike Pence.

    為副總統邁克-彭斯的聯合採訪。

  • President Trump sat down with CBS News' Lesley Stahl

    特朗普總統與CBS新聞的萊斯利-斯塔爾進行了會談。

  • for 45 minutes before getting up and leaving

    45分鐘後才起身離開

  • and telling CBS that he thought they had enough material.

    並告訴CBS,他認為他們有足夠的材料。

  • [ Light laughter ] -Ooh.

    [輕笑] 哦。

  • -Hm. -Yeah. Trump bailed early.

    -嗯-是的特朗普早早地離開了。

  • He was like, "I gave them 45 minutes.

    他說:"我給了他們45分鐘。

  • What else did '60 Minutes' expect?"

    '60分鐘'還能指望什麼?"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • It's "60 Minutes."

    這是 "60分鐘"。

  • What level of questions did he want?

    他要的是什麼級別的問題?

  • "So, how long have you been so awesome for so long, dude?"

    "那麼,你這麼厲害有多久了,老兄?"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • When Trump no-showed, Mike Pence was like, "I'll still talk."

    當特朗普不露面時,邁克-彭斯就說:"我還是會說話的。"

  • Lesley Stahl was like, "Uh, I think we have enough footage."

    萊斯利・斯塔爾是這樣的,"呃,我想我們有足夠的鏡頭。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • "Yeah. Yeah, we got enough."

    "是啊,是啊,我們有足夠的錢。是啊,我們得到了足夠的。"

  • If you're keeping score, Trump's attacked

    如果你在記分的話,特朗普的攻擊。

  • "60 Minutes," doctors, and the Postal Service.

    "60分鐘",醫生,還有郵政服務。

  • At this point, seniors are like,

    這時,前輩們就像。

  • "Do you want us to vote for you or not?

    "你到底要不要我們投你一票?

  • Just tell us. We don't have to."

    只要告訴我們。我們沒必要說。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Seriously, if you're trying to win the senior vote,

    說真的,如果你想贏得高級選票。

  • you can't insult "60 Minutes."

    你不能侮辱 "60分鐘"。

  • That's like trying to win the youth vote by banning TikTok.

    這就像通過禁止TikTok來贏得年輕人的選票一樣。

  • Oh, wait, he did that, too. [ Laughter ]

    哦,等等,他做了,太。[笑聲]

  • -Yeah, yeah. -Yeah, yeah.

    -是的,是的-是啊,是啊。

  • Apparently, Trump was annoyed

    顯然,特朗普很惱火。

  • 'cause his segment was going to air

    "因為他的段子要播出

  • after the one about a guy who carves rodeo stars out of soap.

    後一個關於一個傢伙誰雕刻 圈地明星出肥皂。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • [ Laughter continues ]

    [笑聲繼續]

  • Oh, man.

    哦,夥計。

  • There's a producer at "60 Minutes"

    "60分鐘 "有個製片人。

  • really laughing at that. [ Laughter ]

    真的笑了。[笑聲]

  • Well, after that, Trump held a campaign rally

    在那之後,特朗普舉行了一場競選集會。

  • in Erie, Pennsylvania,

    在賓夕法尼亞州伊利市。

  • where he sounded pretty thrilled

    在那裡,他聽起來很激動

  • about the "60 Minutes" interview.

    關於 "60分鐘 "的採訪。

  • Listen to this.

    聽聽這個。

  • -You have to watch what we do to "60 Minutes."

    -你得看看我們對 "60分鐘 "做了什麼。

  • You'll get such a kick out of it.

    你會得到這樣的一腳。

  • You're going to get a kick out of it.

    你會被踢出局的。

  • Lesley Stahl is not going to be happy.

    萊斯利-斯塔爾是不會高興的。

  • -Yeah. Yeah. He looked like he really got a kick out of it.

    -是啊,是啊是啊,他看起來很開心的樣子。

  • Here he is immediately after the interview.

    這是他接受採訪後的立即。

  • This is real.

    這是真實的。

  • -Yeah. [ Helicopter blades whirring ]

    -是的。[直升機葉片呼呼]

  • -Wow.

    -哇。

  • [ Whirring continues ] -Oh.

    [呼呼繼續] 哦。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • -He looks like Rudy Giuliani on his way

    他看起來就像魯迪-朱利亞尼在路上一樣

  • to the "Borat" premiere.

    到 "波拉特 "的首映。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • [ Applause ]

    [掌聲]

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • -♪ Borat

    -波拉特

  • -Uh. [ Laughter ]

    -嗯。 [笑]

  • But at that rally, Trump didn't seem too excited --

    但在那次集會上,特朗普似乎並不太興奮--。

  • this is... [laughs]

    這是...[笑]

  • this is real, by the way.

    這是真實的,順便說一句。

  • He didn't seem too excited to be in Erie, Pennsylvania.

    他似乎對來到賓夕法尼亞州伊利市並不太興奮。

  • Check this out.

    看看這個。

  • -Before the plague came in, I had it made.

    -在瘟疫來臨之前,我就把它做好了.

  • I wasn't coming to Erie.

    我不是來伊利的

  • I mean, I have to be honest.

    我的意思是,我必須說實話。

  • There's no way I was coming.

    我不可能來的。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • -Everyone in the crowd was like...

    -人群中的每個人都像... ...

  • "Yeah, r-right?

    "是啊,r-對吧?

  • There's no way he would have come to see us, right?"

    他不可能來見我們吧?"

  • That's quite a message, huh?

    那是相當的資訊,是吧?

  • He's like, "I'm only here with you losers

    他說:"我只和你們這些失敗者在一起

  • in your loser town because I'm losing."

    在你的失敗者的城市,因為我輸了。"

  • [ Laughter ] "So I guess

    [笑]"所以我想

  • we're all a bunch of losers except for me.

    我們都是一群失敗者,除了我。

  • I'm the winner."

    我是贏家。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • It's like showing up at someone's party and saying,

    這就像出現在別人的聚會上,說:

  • "I'm only here because things are bad at home."

    "我在這裡只是因為家裡的情況不好。"

  • I just..." [ Laughter ]

    我只是..."[笑聲]

  • "I don't even care if you talk to me."

    "你跟我說話我都不在意。"

  • "This whole place is a dumpster. Anyway, vote for me."

    "這整個地方就是一個垃圾箱。無論如何,投我一票吧。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Well, guys, with less than two weeks left

    好了,夥計們,還有不到兩個星期的時間。

  • until Election Day,

    直到選舉日。

  • candidates are making their closing arguments

    候選人正在進行最後陳述

  • to really drive home their message.

    以真正推動他們的資訊。

  • Here's one from Trump.

    這是特朗普發來的。

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • -They said, "Would you like to wear a hat?"

    -他們說,"你想戴帽子嗎?"

  • I said, "There's no way I'm wearing a hat."

    我說:"我不可能戴帽子。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

    [笑聲和掌聲]

  • -"'Do you want to wear a hat?'

    -"'你想戴帽子嗎? '"。

  • I said, 'There's no way I'm wearing that hat.'"

    我說,'我不可能戴那頂帽子'。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • [ Chuckling ] Okay.

    [笑著]好吧。

  • [ Laughs ]

    [笑]

  • Meanwhile, on the Democratic side today,

    同時,今天在民主黨方面。

  • President Obama finally returned to the campaign trail

    奧巴馬總統終於重返競選舞臺

  • to support Joe Biden.

    以支持喬-拜登。

  • It's like that moment when you've canceled on your friend

    就像你取消了你朋友的約會一樣

  • so many times, you have to make up for it

    屢教不改

  • by going to a really long brunch.

    通過去一個非常長的早午餐。

  • [ Laughter ] "So your kid's 5 now, huh?

    [笑]"所以,你的孩子是5現在,是吧?

  • That's cool." [ Laughter ]

    這很酷。"[笑聲]

  • Don't worry -- Trump has a response to this.

    別擔心--特朗普對此有迴應。

  • Tomorrow, Dean Cain will be greeting people

    明天,凱恩院長會跟大家打招呼。

  • outside a Des Moines Jiffy Lube.

    在Des Moines的Jiffy Lube外。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • How about another closing argument from Trump?

    特朗普再來個總結性論述如何?

  • Do we have one?

    我們有嗎?

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • -Does anybody have a little sunblock?

    -誰有一點防晒霜?

  • I'd love to use it right now.

    我現在就想用它。

  • I'm always preaching to my kids, sunblock, sunblock,

    我總是對孩子們說,防晒霜,防晒霜。

  • and here I am like an idiot.

    而我在這裡就像一個白痴。

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

    [笑聲和掌聲]

  • -"They want me to wear a hat.

    -"他們要我戴帽子。

  • I said, 'I'm not wearing a hat.'"

    我說,'我不戴帽子'。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • "You guys like...?"

    "你們喜歡......?"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • What?

    什麼?

  • [ Chuckling ] What's going on?

    [笑著]這是怎麼回事?

  • Here's some entertainment news --

    這裡有一些娛樂新聞 --

  • normally, around this time of year, we start seeing

    一般來說,每年這個時候,我們都會開始看到

  • all the classic Charlie Brown holiday specials on TV.

    所有經典的查理-布朗節日特別節目在電視上。

  • But this season, it's going to be a little different.

    但這個賽季,會有些不同。

  • Take a look.

    看看吧

  • -For the first time in more than 50 years,

    -50多年來第一次。

  • Charlie Brown's holiday specials

    查理-布朗的節日特輯

  • will not be broadcast on network TV.

    不會在網絡電視上播出。

  • From now on, iconic shows like

    從現在開始,標誌性的節目如

  • "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown"

    "這是偉大的南瓜,查理布朗"

  • and "A Charlie Brown Christmas"

    和 "查理-布朗聖誕"

  • can only be seen on Apple TV+.

    只能在Apple TV+上看到。

  • -Boo. Boo. -Boo.

    -布啵-啵

  • -Nothing like teaching kids the true meaning of the holidays

    -沒有什麼比教孩子們瞭解節日的真正意義更重要的了

  • by forcing them to cough up money

    逼他們掏錢

  • to watch a 54-year-old cartoon. [ Laughter ]

    看一個54歲的卡通片。[笑聲]

  • Even worse, they told Charlie Brown

    更糟糕的是,他們告訴查理-布朗

  • it was going to be on TV

    要上電視了

  • and then pulled it away at the last second.

    然後在最後一秒將其拉走。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

    [笑聲和掌聲]

  • [ Muffled gibberish ]

    [低沉的胡言亂語]

  • It's kind of a weird move.

    這是一種奇怪的舉動。

  • I mean, who was like, "I was holding out on buying Apple TV,

    我的意思是,誰像,"我是抱著買蘋果電視。

  • but now...I have no choice.

    但現在... 我別無選擇。

  • I cave." [ Laughter ]

    我的洞穴。"[笑聲]

  • "I've got to -- got to see my Charlie Brown holiday specials."

    "我得... 得看我的查理-布朗節日特輯了"

  • [ Light laughter ]

    [輕笑]

  • "I was saving up to send the kids to school..."

    "我攢錢送孩子上學......"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • "No.

    "不是

  • No school.

    沒有學校。

  • Charlie Brown's school."

    查理-布朗的學校。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Some more TV news --

    更多的電視新聞 -- --

  • last night was an all-new episode of "The Bachelorette."

    昨晚是一個全新的情節 "單身女郎"。

  • I love "The Bachelorette," man. -Whoo! Whoo!

    我愛 "單身女郎",夥計。-哇!哇!

  • -It seemed like one of the group dates got off to a rough start

    -似乎有一次集體約會的開始很不順利

  • when nobody asked Clare to go -- to go talk one-on-one.

    當沒有人問克萊爾去 - 去談一對一的。

  • You know they have to do the one-on-ones?

    你知道他們要做一對一的工作嗎?

  • Watch this. It's awkward.

    看這個。這是尷尬的。

  • -[ Sighs ]

    -[嘆氣]

  • [ Sighs ] So... should we get the night started?

    那麼... ... 我們應該開始今晚的工作嗎?

  • -I think we should. -Yeah.

    -我想我們應該這樣做-是啊

  • -We should. -Yeah?

    -我們應該這樣做-是嗎?

  • Alright. Does anybody want to...

    好吧,有人想...有沒有人想...

  • [ Clears throat ] -Yeah. Let's do it.

    [清除喉嚨] 是啊。讓我們做到這一點。

  • -...step up to the plate?

    -...站出來?

  • -I would love to -- I would love to go chat with you.

    -我很想... ... 我很想和你哈拉。

  • -Okay. -Yeah.

    -好的

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • -"So, um..." [ Laughter and applause ]

    -"所以,嗯..."[笑聲和掌聲]

  • "...guys, uh -- right? -- you want to get it --

    "... ... 夥計們,呃... ... 對嗎?-- 你想得到它 -

  • you want to get it going here or, uh...

    你想在這裡得到它去或,呃... ...

  • You know, anyone can, you know, just jump in when you feel it."

    你知道,任何人都可以,你知道,當你感覺到的時候,就跳進去。"

  • [ Laughter ] "Anyone?

    [笑]"有人嗎?

  • In no particular order, of course."

    當然,不分先後。"

  • [ Laughter ] "I'll close my eyes.

    [笑]"我閉上眼睛。

  • Whoever grabs my hand first is the one."

    誰先抓住我的手,誰就是那個人。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • "Just forget the hand thing. Let's just, you know, decide.

    "忘掉手的事吧。我們就,你知道,決定吧。

  • Pointing at you."

    指著你。"

  • "I'd like to start a chat."

    "我想開始哈拉。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Actually, that wasn't the most awkward moment of the night,

    其實,這還不是今晚最尷尬的時刻。

  • 'cause, later on, all the guys played

    "因為,後來,所有的人都玩了起來

  • a game of strip dodgeball.

    一場帶狀躲避球的遊戲。

  • Take a look.

    看看吧

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • -Whoo-hoo!

    -嗚呼!

  • -Blue team, take off your shorts.

    -藍隊,脫掉你的短褲。

  • -Blue team! Off with your shorts.

    -藍隊!藍隊! -穿上你的短褲

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • -Demar is out.

    -德瑪出局了

  • So, player, this is it for the blue team.

    所以,玩家,藍隊就這樣了。

  • They're taking the walk of shame home.

    他們要帶著恥辱之行回家。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • -[ Voice breaking ] I'm sorry. I'm a little emotional.

    -對不起,我有點情緒化。我有點情緒化。

  • Um, naked dodgeball is how my grandparents met.

    嗯,裸體躲避球是我爺爺奶奶認識的方式。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

    [笑聲和掌聲]

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Hey, do we have any more closing arguments from Trump?

    嘿,我們還有特朗普的結語嗎?

  • We have one more.

    我們還有一個。

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • -Women.

    -婦女:

  • I like women.

    我喜歡女人

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • -Ah!

    -啊!

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

    [笑聲和掌聲]

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • -And finally, get this -- a town in Canada

    -最後,聽聽這個 -- 加拿大的一個小鎮。

  • has decided to change its name.

    已決定改名。

  • Check out what it's been called until now.

    看看到現在都叫什麼。

  • -The Canadian town has rid itself of its toxic name.

    -這個加拿大小鎮已經擺脫了它的毒名。

  • -For 120 years, it was officially called Asbestos.

    -120年來,它被正式稱為石棉。

  • It was proudly named for its asbestos mine,

    它因其石棉礦而得名。

  • but after years of ridicule, the city has been rebranded.

    但經過多年的嘲諷,這座城市已經被重新命名。

  • [ Laughter ] -Yeah.

    [笑] 是啊。

  • Now the only asbestos town left

    現在只剩下石棉鎮了

  • is at the New Jersey Six Flags.

    是在紐澤西六旗。

  • [ Laughter ] -Yeah.

    [笑] 是啊。

  • -Yeah, the new name will really help its reputation

    -是的,新的名字真的會有助於它的聲譽

  • according to the town mayor,

    據該鎮鎮長介紹。

  • Steve Hepatitis.

    史蒂夫肝炎。

[ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you so much.

[歡呼聲和掌聲] 非常感謝你。

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