Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome

歡迎，歡迎，歡迎，歡迎，歡迎，歡迎

to "The Tonight Show."

到 "今夜秀"。

Let's get to the news and jokes.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, yesterday,

嗯，夥計們，昨天。

President Trump did an interview with "60 Minutes,"

特朗普總統接受了 "60分鐘 "的採訪。

and it didn't go exactly as planned.

而它並沒有完全按計劃進行。

Take a look.

看看吧

-President Trump abruptly ended a solo interview

-特朗普總統突然結束了單獨採訪

with CBS's "60 Minutes,"

與CBS的 "60分鐘"，

and the President did not return to the room

而主席沒有回到房間

for a joint interview with Vice President Mike Pence.

為副總統邁克-彭斯的聯合採訪。

President Trump sat down with CBS News' Lesley Stahl

特朗普總統與CBS新聞的萊斯利-斯塔爾進行了會談。

for 45 minutes before getting up and leaving

45分鐘後才起身離開

and telling CBS that he thought they had enough material.

並告訴CBS，他認為他們有足夠的材料。

[ Light laughter ] -Ooh.

[輕笑] 哦。

-Hm. -Yeah. Trump bailed early.

-嗯-是的特朗普早早地離開了。

He was like, "I gave them 45 minutes.

他說："我給了他們45分鐘。

What else did '60 Minutes' expect?"

'60分鐘'還能指望什麼？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's "60 Minutes."

這是 "60分鐘"。

What level of questions did he want?

他要的是什麼級別的問題？

"So, how long have you been so awesome for so long, dude?"

"那麼，你這麼厲害有多久了，老兄？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

When Trump no-showed, Mike Pence was like, "I'll still talk."

當特朗普不露面時，邁克-彭斯就說："我還是會說話的。"

Lesley Stahl was like, "Uh, I think we have enough footage."

萊斯利・斯塔爾是這樣的，"呃，我想我們有足夠的鏡頭。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Yeah. Yeah, we got enough."

"是啊，是啊，我們有足夠的錢。是啊，我們得到了足夠的。"

If you're keeping score, Trump's attacked

如果你在記分的話，特朗普的攻擊。

"60 Minutes," doctors, and the Postal Service.

"60分鐘"，醫生，還有郵政服務。

At this point, seniors are like,

這時，前輩們就像。

"Do you want us to vote for you or not?

"你到底要不要我們投你一票？

Just tell us. We don't have to."

只要告訴我們。我們沒必要說。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Seriously, if you're trying to win the senior vote,

說真的，如果你想贏得高級選票。

you can't insult "60 Minutes."

你不能侮辱 "60分鐘"。

That's like trying to win the youth vote by banning TikTok.

這就像通過禁止TikTok來贏得年輕人的選票一樣。

Oh, wait, he did that, too. [ Laughter ]

哦，等等，他做了，太。[笑聲]

-Yeah, yeah. -Yeah, yeah.

-是的，是的-是啊，是啊。

Apparently, Trump was annoyed

顯然，特朗普很惱火。

'cause his segment was going to air

"因為他的段子要播出

after the one about a guy who carves rodeo stars out of soap.

後一個關於一個傢伙誰雕刻 圈地明星出肥皂。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Laughter continues ]

[笑聲繼續]

Oh, man.

哦，夥計。

There's a producer at "60 Minutes"

"60分鐘 "有個製片人。

really laughing at that. [ Laughter ]

真的笑了。[笑聲]

Well, after that, Trump held a campaign rally

在那之後，特朗普舉行了一場競選集會。

in Erie, Pennsylvania,

在賓夕法尼亞州伊利市。

where he sounded pretty thrilled

在那裡，他聽起來很激動

about the "60 Minutes" interview.

關於 "60分鐘 "的採訪。

Listen to this.

聽聽這個。

-You have to watch what we do to "60 Minutes."

-你得看看我們對 "60分鐘 "做了什麼。

You'll get such a kick out of it.

你會得到這樣的一腳。

You're going to get a kick out of it.

你會被踢出局的。

Lesley Stahl is not going to be happy.

萊斯利-斯塔爾是不會高興的。

-Yeah. Yeah. He looked like he really got a kick out of it.

-是啊，是啊是啊，他看起來很開心的樣子。

Here he is immediately after the interview.

這是他接受採訪後的立即。

This is real.

這是真實的。

-Yeah. [ Helicopter blades whirring ]

-是的。[直升機葉片呼呼]

-Wow.

-哇。

[ Whirring continues ] -Oh.

[呼呼繼續] 哦。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-He looks like Rudy Giuliani on his way

他看起來就像魯迪-朱利亞尼在路上一樣

to the "Borat" premiere.

到 "波拉特 "的首映。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Borat ♪

-波拉特

-Uh. [ Laughter ]

-嗯。 [笑]

But at that rally, Trump didn't seem too excited --

但在那次集會上，特朗普似乎並不太興奮--。

this is... [laughs]

這是...[笑]

this is real, by the way.

這是真實的，順便說一句。

He didn't seem too excited to be in Erie, Pennsylvania.

他似乎對來到賓夕法尼亞州伊利市並不太興奮。

Check this out.

看看這個。

-Before the plague came in, I had it made.

-在瘟疫來臨之前，我就把它做好了.

I wasn't coming to Erie.

我不是來伊利的

I mean, I have to be honest.

我的意思是，我必須說實話。

There's no way I was coming.

我不可能來的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Everyone in the crowd was like...

-人群中的每個人都像... ...

"Yeah, r-right?

"是啊，r-對吧？

There's no way he would have come to see us, right?"

他不可能來見我們吧？"

That's quite a message, huh?

那是相當的資訊，是吧？

He's like, "I'm only here with you losers

他說："我只和你們這些失敗者在一起

in your loser town because I'm losing."

在你的失敗者的城市，因為我輸了。"

[ Laughter ] "So I guess

[笑]"所以我想

we're all a bunch of losers except for me.

我們都是一群失敗者，除了我。

I'm the winner."

我是贏家。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's like showing up at someone's party and saying,

這就像出現在別人的聚會上，說：

"I'm only here because things are bad at home."

"我在這裡只是因為家裡的情況不好。"

I just..." [ Laughter ]

我只是..."[笑聲]

"I don't even care if you talk to me."

"你跟我說話我都不在意。"

"This whole place is a dumpster. Anyway, vote for me."

"這整個地方就是一個垃圾箱。無論如何，投我一票吧。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, guys, with less than two weeks left

好了，夥計們，還有不到兩個星期的時間。

until Election Day,

直到選舉日。

candidates are making their closing arguments

候選人正在進行最後陳述

to really drive home their message.

以真正推動他們的資訊。

Here's one from Trump.

這是特朗普發來的。

♪♪

♪♪

-They said, "Would you like to wear a hat?"

-他們說，"你想戴帽子嗎？"

I said, "There's no way I'm wearing a hat."

我說："我不可能戴帽子。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-"'Do you want to wear a hat?'

-"'你想戴帽子嗎？ '"。

I said, 'There's no way I'm wearing that hat.'"

我說，'我不可能戴那頂帽子'。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Chuckling ] Okay.

[笑著]好吧。

[ Laughs ]

[笑]

Meanwhile, on the Democratic side today,

同時，今天在民主黨方面。

President Obama finally returned to the campaign trail

奧巴馬總統終於重返競選舞臺

to support Joe Biden.

以支持喬-拜登。

It's like that moment when you've canceled on your friend

就像你取消了你朋友的約會一樣

so many times, you have to make up for it

屢教不改

by going to a really long brunch.

通過去一個非常長的早午餐。

[ Laughter ] "So your kid's 5 now, huh?

[笑]"所以，你的孩子是5現在，是吧？

That's cool." [ Laughter ]

這很酷。"[笑聲]

Don't worry -- Trump has a response to this.

別擔心--特朗普對此有迴應。

Tomorrow, Dean Cain will be greeting people

明天，凱恩院長會跟大家打招呼。

outside a Des Moines Jiffy Lube.

在Des Moines的Jiffy Lube外。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

How about another closing argument from Trump?

特朗普再來個總結性論述如何？

Do we have one?

我們有嗎？

♪♪

♪♪

-Does anybody have a little sunblock?

-誰有一點防晒霜？

I'd love to use it right now.

我現在就想用它。

I'm always preaching to my kids, sunblock, sunblock,

我總是對孩子們說，防晒霜，防晒霜。

and here I am like an idiot.

而我在這裡就像一個白痴。

♪♪

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-"They want me to wear a hat.

-"他們要我戴帽子。

I said, 'I'm not wearing a hat.'"

我說，'我不戴帽子'。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"You guys like...?"

"你們喜歡......？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

What?

什麼？

[ Chuckling ] What's going on?

[笑著]這是怎麼回事？

Here's some entertainment news --

這裡有一些娛樂新聞 --

normally, around this time of year, we start seeing

一般來說，每年這個時候，我們都會開始看到

all the classic Charlie Brown holiday specials on TV.

所有經典的查理-布朗節日特別節目在電視上。

But this season, it's going to be a little different.

但這個賽季，會有些不同。

Take a look.

看看吧

-For the first time in more than 50 years,

-50多年來第一次。

Charlie Brown's holiday specials

查理-布朗的節日特輯

will not be broadcast on network TV.

不會在網絡電視上播出。

From now on, iconic shows like

從現在開始，標誌性的節目如

"It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown"

"這是偉大的南瓜，查理布朗"

and "A Charlie Brown Christmas"

和 "查理-布朗聖誕"

can only be seen on Apple TV+.

只能在Apple TV+上看到。

-Boo. Boo. -Boo.

-布啵-啵

-Nothing like teaching kids the true meaning of the holidays

-沒有什麼比教孩子們瞭解節日的真正意義更重要的了

by forcing them to cough up money

逼他們掏錢

to watch a 54-year-old cartoon. [ Laughter ]

看一個54歲的卡通片。[笑聲]

Even worse, they told Charlie Brown

更糟糕的是，他們告訴查理-布朗

it was going to be on TV

要上電視了

and then pulled it away at the last second.

然後在最後一秒將其拉走。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

[ Muffled gibberish ]

[低沉的胡言亂語]

It's kind of a weird move.

這是一種奇怪的舉動。

I mean, who was like, "I was holding out on buying Apple TV,

我的意思是，誰像，"我是抱著買蘋果電視。

but now...I have no choice.

但現在... 我別無選擇。

I cave." [ Laughter ]

我的洞穴。"[笑聲]

"I've got to -- got to see my Charlie Brown holiday specials."

"我得... 得看我的查理-布朗節日特輯了"

[ Light laughter ]

[輕笑]

"I was saving up to send the kids to school..."

"我攢錢送孩子上學......"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"No.

"不是

No school.

沒有學校。

Charlie Brown's school."

查理-布朗的學校。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Some more TV news --

更多的電視新聞 -- --

last night was an all-new episode of "The Bachelorette."

昨晚是一個全新的情節 "單身女郎"。

I love "The Bachelorette," man. -Whoo! Whoo!

我愛 "單身女郎"，夥計。-哇！哇！

-It seemed like one of the group dates got off to a rough start

-似乎有一次集體約會的開始很不順利

when nobody asked Clare to go -- to go talk one-on-one.

當沒有人問克萊爾去 - 去談一對一的。

You know they have to do the one-on-ones?

你知道他們要做一對一的工作嗎？

Watch this. It's awkward.

看這個。這是尷尬的。

-[ Sighs ]

-[嘆氣]

[ Sighs ] So... should we get the night started?

那麼... ... 我們應該開始今晚的工作嗎？

-I think we should. -Yeah.

-我想我們應該這樣做-是啊

-We should. -Yeah?

-我們應該這樣做-是嗎？

Alright. Does anybody want to...

好吧，有人想...有沒有人想...

[ Clears throat ] -Yeah. Let's do it.

[清除喉嚨] 是啊。讓我們做到這一點。

-...step up to the plate?

-...站出來？

-I would love to -- I would love to go chat with you.

-我很想... ... 我很想和你哈拉。

-Okay. -Yeah.

-好的

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-"So, um..." [ Laughter and applause ]

-"所以，嗯..."[笑聲和掌聲]

"...guys, uh -- right? -- you want to get it --

"... ... 夥計們，呃... ... 對嗎？-- 你想得到它 -

you want to get it going here or, uh...

你想在這裡得到它去或，呃... ...

You know, anyone can, you know, just jump in when you feel it."

你知道，任何人都可以，你知道，當你感覺到的時候，就跳進去。"

[ Laughter ] "Anyone?

[笑]"有人嗎？

In no particular order, of course."

當然，不分先後。"

[ Laughter ] "I'll close my eyes.

[笑]"我閉上眼睛。

Whoever grabs my hand first is the one."

誰先抓住我的手，誰就是那個人。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Just forget the hand thing. Let's just, you know, decide.

"忘掉手的事吧。我們就，你知道，決定吧。

Pointing at you."

指著你。"

"I'd like to start a chat."

"我想開始哈拉。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Actually, that wasn't the most awkward moment of the night,

其實，這還不是今晚最尷尬的時刻。

'cause, later on, all the guys played

"因為，後來，所有的人都玩了起來

a game of strip dodgeball.

一場帶狀躲避球的遊戲。

Take a look.

看看吧

♪♪

♪♪

-Whoo-hoo!

-嗚呼！

-Blue team, take off your shorts.

-藍隊，脫掉你的短褲。

-Blue team! Off with your shorts.

-藍隊！藍隊！ -穿上你的短褲

♪♪

♪♪

-Demar is out.

-德瑪出局了

So, player, this is it for the blue team.

所以，玩家，藍隊就這樣了。

They're taking the walk of shame home.

他們要帶著恥辱之行回家。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-[ Voice breaking ] I'm sorry. I'm a little emotional.

-對不起，我有點情緒化。我有點情緒化。

Um, naked dodgeball is how my grandparents met.

嗯，裸體躲避球是我爺爺奶奶認識的方式。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Hey, do we have any more closing arguments from Trump?

嘿，我們還有特朗普的結語嗎？

We have one more.

我們還有一個。

♪♪

♪♪

-Women.

-婦女：

I like women.

我喜歡女人

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Ah!

-啊！

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-And finally, get this -- a town in Canada

-最後，聽聽這個 -- 加拿大的一個小鎮。

has decided to change its name.

已決定改名。

Check out what it's been called until now.

看看到現在都叫什麼。

-The Canadian town has rid itself of its toxic name.

-這個加拿大小鎮已經擺脫了它的毒名。

-For 120 years, it was officially called Asbestos.

-120年來，它被正式稱為石棉。

It was proudly named for its asbestos mine,

它因其石棉礦而得名。

but after years of ridicule, the city has been rebranded.

但經過多年的嘲諷，這座城市已經被重新命名。

[ Laughter ] -Yeah.

[笑] 是啊。

Now the only asbestos town left

現在只剩下石棉鎮了

is at the New Jersey Six Flags.

是在紐澤西六旗。

[ Laughter ] -Yeah.

[笑] 是啊。

-Yeah, the new name will really help its reputation

-是的，新的名字真的會有助於它的聲譽

according to the town mayor,

據該鎮鎮長介紹。

Steve Hepatitis.

史蒂夫肝炎。