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  • -Welcome back to "The Tonight Show."

    -歡迎回到 "今夜秀"。

  • Well, everybody, making jokes during times like these

    好了,各位,在這種時候開這種玩笑

  • is difficult, but it's my job to try and make people laugh

    是困難的,但它是我的工作 試圖讓人們笑起來

  • and feel better, even if just for a little while.

    並感覺更好,即使只是一小段時間。

  • So, with that in mind, let's tell some jokes.

    所以,有了這個想法,我們就講點笑話吧。

  • Last night, President Trump made another stop

    昨晚,特朗普總統又到了

  • on his great American COVID tour,

    在他的偉大的美國COVID之旅。

  • this time in Pennsylvania,

    這次在賓夕法尼亞州。

  • at the Pittsburgh International Airport.

    在匹茲堡國際機場。

  • There was quite a turnout at the airport rally.

    機場的集會上,來了不少人。

  • Take a look at this photo.

    看看這張照片。

  • For any parents watching, if you ran out of

    對於任何觀看的父母,如果你用完了。

  • "Where's Waldo?" books for your kids during quarantine,

    "沃爾多在哪裡?"在檢疫期間,為孩子提供的書籍。

  • just hand them this photo and tell them to find

    就把這張照片交給他們,讓他們去找。

  • a Trump supporter wearing a mask.

    一個戴著面具的特朗普支持者。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • You gotta give Trump credit for one thing --

    你得給特朗普一個讚譽 --

  • this had to be the first time in history people were excited

    這一定是有史以來人們第一次感到興奮。

  • to spend a Tuesday night at the Pittsburgh airport.

    在匹茲堡機場度過一個星期二的夜晚。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Trump was on stage for 90 minutes,

    特朗普在舞臺上呆了90分鐘。

  • and I think there was some things he could've skipped,

    我覺得有些事情他可以跳過。

  • like here when he questioned why Joe Biden always wears a mask.

    就像這裡,他質疑喬-拜登為什麼總是戴著面具。

  • Listen to this.

    聽聽這個。

  • -He feels good about the mask, and that's okay.

    -他對面具的感覺很好,這沒關係。

  • You know what? Whatever makes you feel good.

    你知道嗎?只要讓你感覺好就行

  • He feels good. He feels good.

    他感覺很好。他感覺很好。

  • I mean, honestly, what the hell did he spend all that money

    我是說,老實說,他到底花了多少錢?

  • on the plastic surgery if he's gonna cover it up

    如果他要掩蓋整容的事實,那麼他的整容手術就會被曝光。

  • with a mask? [ Laughter ]

    帶著面具?[笑聲]

  • -Yep, according to those closest to him,

    -是的,據他最親近的人說。

  • Trump's never had any work done, nor done any work.

    特朗普從來沒有做過任何工作,也沒有做過任何工作。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • That's right, Trump made fun of Biden's plastic surgery.

    沒錯,特朗普取笑拜登整容。

  • Meanwhile, his handling of the virus is about to appear

    同時,他對病毒的處理方式也即將出現了

  • on an episode of "Botched."

    在一集的 "Botched"。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • By the way, did you see which network was airing the rally?

    對了,你有沒有看到哪個電視臺在播放集會的內容?

  • C-SPAN3.

    C-SPAN3。

  • You know your campaign's going well

    你知道你的競選活動進展順利

  • when even C-SPAN2 says, "Nah, we're good."

    當連C -SPAN2都說,"不,我們很好。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Meanwhile, in an interview that aired last night on WGN,

    同時,在昨晚WGN播出的採訪中,。

  • Trump was asked what single quality

    特朗普被問及什麼單項素質

  • he brings to the White House, and here was his response.

    他給白宮帶來的,這是他的迴應。

  • -Well, I think I bring an aura

    -我想我帶來了一種氣場。

  • that people know I know what I'm doing.

    人們知道我知道我在做什麼。

  • I know what is happening.

    我知道發生了什麼。

  • I know where we should be going, I negotiate properly.

    我知道我們應該去哪裡,我好好談判。

  • I understand the military.

    我瞭解軍隊。

  • I understand things as a businessman

    作為一個商人,我很明白

  • that other people don't.

    別人沒有的。

  • Just as a person, I understand things.

    只是作為一個人,我明白的事情。

  • -Yeah. Once again, the question was, what single quality.

    -是的再次,問題是,什麼單一的品質。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Also, just because you're glowing orange

    而且,只是因為你在發光的橙色。

  • doesn't mean you have an aura.

    並不代表你有靈氣。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • "I have an aura-ge, orange."

    "我有靈氣格,橙子。"

  • That's right, Trump says he knows what he's doing,

    沒錯,特朗普說他知道自己在做什麼。

  • what is happening, and where he should be going.

    發生了什麼,以及他應該去哪裡。

  • So, good news -- once again, he passed concussion protocol.

    所以,好消息... ...他又一次通過了腦震盪協議。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Seriously, those are things you say

    說真的,這些都是你說的

  • after a trainer gives you smelling salts.

    在教練給你嗅鹽後。

  • Well, guys, we're just six days away

    好了,夥計們,我們只有六天的時間。

  • from the first presidential debate,

    從第一次總統辯論。

  • and the topics Trump and Biden will be discussing

    以及特朗普和拜登將討論的話題。

  • have been announced. Check it out.

    已公佈。看看吧

  • -The moderator, Fox News' Chris Wallace,

    主持人,福克斯新聞的克里斯-華萊士。

  • has selected the six topics that will be discussed.

    選定了將要討論的六個專題。

  • The topics include the President's and Biden's records,

    主題包括總統和拜登的記錄。

  • the Supreme Court, coronavirus, economic policy, racism,

    最高法院、冠狀病毒、經濟政策、種族主義。

  • and the integrity of the election.

    和選舉的完整性。

  • -That wasn't a good sign when Trump's response was,

    -特朗普的迴應可不是什麼好兆頭。

  • "Pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, and pass."

    "傳、傳、傳、傳、傳、傳"。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Yeah, when Trump heard, he was like,

    是啊,當特朗普聽到,他就像。

  • "I've got five more topics that I'd love to talk about --

    "我還有五個我想談的話題 -- --

  • man, woman, person, camera, and TV."

    男人、女人、人、攝影機和電視。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Right now, it's just those topics

    現在,只有這些題目

  • and then the other 50 insane things that'll happen

    還有其他50件瘋狂的事情會發生。

  • between now and Tuesday.

    從現在到週二,。

  • Some more debate news,

    還有一些辯論新聞。

  • although this one is about the vice presidential debate.

    雖然這個是關於副總統辯論。

  • It turns out Pete Buttigieg has been standing in

    原來Pete Buttigieg一直站在...

  • as Mike Pence for Kamala Harris's debate practice.

    作為邁克-彭斯為卡馬拉-哈里斯的辯論練習。

  • And to really get into the role of Mike Pence,

    而要真正進入邁克-彭斯的角色。

  • Buttigieg also wears three pairs of Hanes long underwear

    布提吉格還穿了三條漢內斯長款內衣褲。

  • safety pinned together.

    安全性夾在一起。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Speaking of Mike Pence,

    說到邁克-彭斯。

  • yesterday, his plane, Air Force Two,

    昨天,他的飛機,空軍二號。

  • was forced to return to New Hampshire

    被迫返回新罕布什爾州

  • after it struck a bird.

    撞到鳥後。

  • Actually, when Pence remembered his debate against Kamala

    其實,當彭斯想起他與卡馬拉的辯論時。

  • is only two weeks away,

    只有兩個星期了。

  • he started throwing more birds into the engine.

    他開始往發動機裡扔更多的鳥。

  • He's like, "Stop! Stop. Help, stop, please."

    他說:"停下!幫助,停止,請。"

  • It's no surprise that birds are attracted to Mike Pence.

    鳥兒被邁克-彭斯吸引並不奇怪。

  • He's basically the human version of white bread.

    他基本上就是人類版的白麵包。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Changing gears here, this week, the CDC

    在這裡換個角度,本週,疾控中心的

  • issued its first guidelines for celebrating Halloween.

    發佈了第一個慶祝萬聖節的指導方針。

  • Listen to this. -The CDC released

    聽聽這個。-疾控中心發佈了

  • its recommendations for Halloween,

    其推薦的萬聖節。

  • and the biggest one is to avoid

    而最大的一個問題就是要避免

  • traditional trick-or-treating this year.

    今年傳統的 "不給糖就搗蛋"。

  • The CDC also pointed out that costume masks

    疾控中心還指出,服裝面具

  • do not have the same protective power as normal masks.

    不具備普通口罩的保護能力。

  • -Remember the good old days when all you had to worry about

    -還記得過去的好日子,你只需要擔心... ...

  • was a giant shiv in your Snickers bar?

    在你的士力架裡有一把巨大的利劍嗎?

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • The CDC is discouraging trick-or-treating,

    疾控中心不鼓勵不給糖就搗蛋。

  • but to be fair, maybe children shouldn't have been going around

    但為了公平起見,也許孩子們不應該到處亂跑。

  • collecting candy from strangers anyway.

    收集糖果 從陌生人反正。

  • That's right, no trick-or-treating.

    沒錯,不給糖就搗蛋。

  • It's too bad. I'm really gonna miss

    太可惜了我真的會想念

  • the disappointed look on my kids' face

    孩子們失望的表情

  • when they get an Almond Joy.

    當他們得到一個杏仁的喜悅。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • I was fighting that joke. I like Almond Joy. Yeah.

    我在和那個笑話作鬥爭。我喜歡 "杏仁樂"。我喜歡杏仁樂。

  • -Yeah, no trick-or-treating.

    -是的,沒有不給糖就搗蛋的人。

  • Kids will miss getting candy, while parents will miss

    孩子們會想念得到糖果,而父母會想念

  • giving that quick judgy glimpse into their neighbor's house.

    迅速地判斷出他們鄰居家的情況。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • "Carpet in the kitchen?" [ Laughter ]

    "地毯在廚房?"[笑聲]

  • "Very '70s."

    "很70年代"。

  • Yep, the CDC is also discouraging costume parties,

    是的,疾控中心也不鼓勵化妝舞會。

  • mainly so no one has to look at the idiot

    主要是為了讓大家不用看那個白痴

  • who dresses up as the coronavirus.

    誰打扮成冠狀病毒。

  • "Really funny, Carl." [ Laughter ]

    "真的很有趣,卡爾。"[笑聲]

  • Yeah, Halloween will be different.

    是的,萬聖節將是不同的。

  • If you see a house covered in cobwebs,

    如果你看到一棟佈滿蜘蛛網的房子。

  • those aren't decorations.

    這些都不是裝飾品。

  • Those are people who haven't gone outside since March.

    這些人都是3月份以後就沒有出去過的人。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • And finally, some sports news.

    最後,還有一些體育新聞。

  • A lot of people are talking about

    很多人都在談論

  • Bill Belichick's sweatshirt

    比爾-貝利奇克的運動衫。

  • from his press conference this morning.

    從他今天上午的新聞發佈會上。

  • Take a look at this. [ Laughter ]

    看看這個。[笑聲]

  • Gosh, he looks like the Hulk

    天啊,他看起來像綠巨人一樣。

  • after turning back into Bruce Banner.

    在變回布魯斯-班納後。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Even crazier, that's his wedding tuxedo.

    更瘋狂的是,那是他的婚禮燕尾服。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • I think that shirt was also established in 1960.

    我想那件襯衫也是在1960年成立的。

  • I don't get it.

    我不明白

  • Was he putting out cigarettes on his shoulder?

    他是在肩膀上放煙嗎?

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • He looks like the centerfold in "Divorced Dad Monthly."

    他看起來就像 "離婚爸爸月刊 "裡的中心人物。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Remember that photo, 'cause it's what Chris Wallace

    記得那張照片,因為那是克里斯-華萊士的照片

  • is gonna look like after Tuesday's debate.

    週二的辯論後,會是什麼樣子。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

-Welcome back to "The Tonight Show."

-歡迎回到 "今夜秀"。

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特朗普嘲諷拜登戴面具|《今夜秀》欄目組 (Trump Mocks Biden for Wearing a Mask | The Tonight Show)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2020 年 10 月 24 日
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