Well, everybody, making jokes during times like these

好了，各位，在這種時候開這種玩笑

is difficult, but it's my job to try and make people laugh

是困難的，但它是我的工作 試圖讓人們笑起來

and feel better, even if just for a little while.

並感覺更好，即使只是一小段時間。

So, with that in mind, let's tell some jokes.

所以，有了這個想法，我們就講點笑話吧。

Last night, President Trump made another stop

昨晚，特朗普總統又到了

on his great American COVID tour,

在他的偉大的美國COVID之旅。

this time in Pennsylvania,

這次在賓夕法尼亞州。

at the Pittsburgh International Airport.

在匹茲堡國際機場。

There was quite a turnout at the airport rally.

機場的集會上，來了不少人。

Take a look at this photo.

看看這張照片。

For any parents watching, if you ran out of

對於任何觀看的父母，如果你用完了。

"Where's Waldo?" books for your kids during quarantine,

"沃爾多在哪裡？"在檢疫期間，為孩子提供的書籍。

just hand them this photo and tell them to find

就把這張照片交給他們，讓他們去找。

a Trump supporter wearing a mask.

一個戴著面具的特朗普支持者。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

You gotta give Trump credit for one thing --

你得給特朗普一個讚譽 --

this had to be the first time in history people were excited

這一定是有史以來人們第一次感到興奮。

to spend a Tuesday night at the Pittsburgh airport.

在匹茲堡機場度過一個星期二的夜晚。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Trump was on stage for 90 minutes,

特朗普在舞臺上呆了90分鐘。

and I think there was some things he could've skipped,

我覺得有些事情他可以跳過。

like here when he questioned why Joe Biden always wears a mask.

就像這裡，他質疑喬-拜登為什麼總是戴著面具。

Listen to this.

聽聽這個。

-He feels good about the mask, and that's okay.

-他對面具的感覺很好，這沒關係。

You know what? Whatever makes you feel good.

你知道嗎？只要讓你感覺好就行

He feels good. He feels good.

他感覺很好。他感覺很好。

I mean, honestly, what the hell did he spend all that money

我是說，老實說，他到底花了多少錢？

on the plastic surgery if he's gonna cover it up

如果他要掩蓋整容的事實，那麼他的整容手術就會被曝光。

with a mask? [ Laughter ]

帶著面具？[笑聲]

-Yep, according to those closest to him,

-是的，據他最親近的人說。

Trump's never had any work done, nor done any work.

特朗普從來沒有做過任何工作，也沒有做過任何工作。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right, Trump made fun of Biden's plastic surgery.

沒錯，特朗普取笑拜登整容。

Meanwhile, his handling of the virus is about to appear

同時，他對病毒的處理方式也即將出現了

on an episode of "Botched."

在一集的 "Botched"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

By the way, did you see which network was airing the rally?

對了，你有沒有看到哪個電視臺在播放集會的內容？

C-SPAN3.

C-SPAN3。

You know your campaign's going well

你知道你的競選活動進展順利

when even C-SPAN2 says, "Nah, we're good."

當連C -SPAN2都說，"不，我們很好。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, in an interview that aired last night on WGN,

同時，在昨晚WGN播出的採訪中，。

Trump was asked what single quality

特朗普被問及什麼單項素質

he brings to the White House, and here was his response.

他給白宮帶來的，這是他的迴應。

-Well, I think I bring an aura

-我想我帶來了一種氣場。

that people know I know what I'm doing.

人們知道我知道我在做什麼。

I know what is happening.

我知道發生了什麼。

I know where we should be going, I negotiate properly.

我知道我們應該去哪裡，我好好談判。

I understand the military.

我瞭解軍隊。

I understand things as a businessman

作為一個商人，我很明白

that other people don't.

別人沒有的。

Just as a person, I understand things.

只是作為一個人，我明白的事情。

-Yeah. Once again, the question was, what single quality.

-是的再次，問題是，什麼單一的品質。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Also, just because you're glowing orange

而且，只是因為你在發光的橙色。

doesn't mean you have an aura.

並不代表你有靈氣。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"I have an aura-ge, orange."

"我有靈氣格，橙子。"

That's right, Trump says he knows what he's doing,

沒錯，特朗普說他知道自己在做什麼。

what is happening, and where he should be going.

發生了什麼，以及他應該去哪裡。

So, good news -- once again, he passed concussion protocol.

所以，好消息... ...他又一次通過了腦震盪協議。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Seriously, those are things you say

說真的，這些都是你說的

after a trainer gives you smelling salts.

在教練給你嗅鹽後。

Well, guys, we're just six days away

好了，夥計們，我們只有六天的時間。

from the first presidential debate,

從第一次總統辯論。

and the topics Trump and Biden will be discussing

以及特朗普和拜登將討論的話題。

have been announced. Check it out.

已公佈。看看吧

-The moderator, Fox News' Chris Wallace,

主持人，福克斯新聞的克里斯-華萊士。

has selected the six topics that will be discussed.

選定了將要討論的六個專題。

The topics include the President's and Biden's records,

主題包括總統和拜登的記錄。

the Supreme Court, coronavirus, economic policy, racism,

最高法院、冠狀病毒、經濟政策、種族主義。

and the integrity of the election.

和選舉的完整性。

-That wasn't a good sign when Trump's response was,

-特朗普的迴應可不是什麼好兆頭。

"Pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, and pass."

"傳、傳、傳、傳、傳、傳"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, when Trump heard, he was like,

是啊，當特朗普聽到，他就像。

"I've got five more topics that I'd love to talk about --

"我還有五個我想談的話題 -- --

man, woman, person, camera, and TV."

男人、女人、人、攝影機和電視。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Right now, it's just those topics

現在，只有這些題目

and then the other 50 insane things that'll happen

還有其他50件瘋狂的事情會發生。

between now and Tuesday.

從現在到週二，。

Some more debate news,

還有一些辯論新聞。

although this one is about the vice presidential debate.

雖然這個是關於副總統辯論。

It turns out Pete Buttigieg has been standing in

原來Pete Buttigieg一直站在...

as Mike Pence for Kamala Harris's debate practice.

作為邁克-彭斯為卡馬拉-哈里斯的辯論練習。

And to really get into the role of Mike Pence,

而要真正進入邁克-彭斯的角色。

Buttigieg also wears three pairs of Hanes long underwear

布提吉格還穿了三條漢內斯長款內衣褲。

safety pinned together.

安全性夾在一起。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Speaking of Mike Pence,

說到邁克-彭斯。

yesterday, his plane, Air Force Two,

昨天，他的飛機，空軍二號。

was forced to return to New Hampshire

被迫返回新罕布什爾州

after it struck a bird.

撞到鳥後。

Actually, when Pence remembered his debate against Kamala

其實，當彭斯想起他與卡馬拉的辯論時。

is only two weeks away,

只有兩個星期了。

he started throwing more birds into the engine.

他開始往發動機裡扔更多的鳥。

He's like, "Stop! Stop. Help, stop, please."

他說："停下！幫助，停止，請。"

It's no surprise that birds are attracted to Mike Pence.

鳥兒被邁克-彭斯吸引並不奇怪。

He's basically the human version of white bread.

他基本上就是人類版的白麵包。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Changing gears here, this week, the CDC

在這裡換個角度，本週，疾控中心的

issued its first guidelines for celebrating Halloween.

發佈了第一個慶祝萬聖節的指導方針。

Listen to this. -The CDC released

聽聽這個。-疾控中心發佈了

its recommendations for Halloween,

其推薦的萬聖節。

and the biggest one is to avoid

而最大的一個問題就是要避免

traditional trick-or-treating this year.

今年傳統的 "不給糖就搗蛋"。

The CDC also pointed out that costume masks

疾控中心還指出，服裝面具

do not have the same protective power as normal masks.

不具備普通口罩的保護能力。

-Remember the good old days when all you had to worry about

-還記得過去的好日子，你只需要擔心... ...

was a giant shiv in your Snickers bar?

在你的士力架裡有一把巨大的利劍嗎？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

The CDC is discouraging trick-or-treating,

疾控中心不鼓勵不給糖就搗蛋。

but to be fair, maybe children shouldn't have been going around

但為了公平起見，也許孩子們不應該到處亂跑。

collecting candy from strangers anyway.

收集糖果 從陌生人反正。

That's right, no trick-or-treating.

沒錯，不給糖就搗蛋。

It's too bad. I'm really gonna miss

太可惜了我真的會想念

the disappointed look on my kids' face

孩子們失望的表情

when they get an Almond Joy.

當他們得到一個杏仁的喜悅。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I was fighting that joke. I like Almond Joy. Yeah.

我在和那個笑話作鬥爭。我喜歡 "杏仁樂"。我喜歡杏仁樂。

-Yeah, no trick-or-treating.

-是的，沒有不給糖就搗蛋的人。

Kids will miss getting candy, while parents will miss

孩子們會想念得到糖果，而父母會想念

giving that quick judgy glimpse into their neighbor's house.

迅速地判斷出他們鄰居家的情況。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Carpet in the kitchen?" [ Laughter ]

"地毯在廚房？"[笑聲]

"Very '70s."

"很70年代"。

Yep, the CDC is also discouraging costume parties,

是的，疾控中心也不鼓勵化妝舞會。

mainly so no one has to look at the idiot

主要是為了讓大家不用看那個白痴

who dresses up as the coronavirus.

誰打扮成冠狀病毒。

"Really funny, Carl." [ Laughter ]

"真的很有趣，卡爾。"[笑聲]

Yeah, Halloween will be different.

是的，萬聖節將是不同的。

If you see a house covered in cobwebs,

如果你看到一棟佈滿蜘蛛網的房子。

those aren't decorations.

這些都不是裝飾品。

Those are people who haven't gone outside since March.

這些人都是3月份以後就沒有出去過的人。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And finally, some sports news.

最後，還有一些體育新聞。

A lot of people are talking about

很多人都在談論

Bill Belichick's sweatshirt

比爾-貝利奇克的運動衫。

from his press conference this morning.

從他今天上午的新聞發佈會上。

Take a look at this. [ Laughter ]

看看這個。[笑聲]

Gosh, he looks like the Hulk

天啊，他看起來像綠巨人一樣。

after turning back into Bruce Banner.

在變回布魯斯-班納後。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Even crazier, that's his wedding tuxedo.

更瘋狂的是，那是他的婚禮燕尾服。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I think that shirt was also established in 1960.

我想那件襯衫也是在1960年成立的。

I don't get it.

我不明白

Was he putting out cigarettes on his shoulder?

他是在肩膀上放煙嗎？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

He looks like the centerfold in "Divorced Dad Monthly."

他看起來就像 "離婚爸爸月刊 "裡的中心人物。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Remember that photo, 'cause it's what Chris Wallace

記得那張照片，因為那是克里斯-華萊士的照片

is gonna look like after Tuesday's debate.

週二的辯論後，會是什麼樣子。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]