Thank you! On a Friday!

謝謝你！在星期五！

That's some Friday love right there.

這是一些週五的愛在那裡。

Thank you. Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.

謝謝大家歡迎來到 "今夜秀"，各位。

Let's get to the news and jokes.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, everyone's still talking about

好了，夥計們，每個人都還在談論關於

last night's presidential debate.

昨晚的總統辯論。

But based on the early ratings,

但根據早期的評價。

it had about 7 million fewer viewers than the first one.

它的觀眾比第一部少了700萬左右。

It's not that 7 million people chose not to watch.

不是700萬人選擇不看。

It's that after the first debate, they left the country.

就是第一次辯論後，他們就離開了這個國家。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Based on some snap polls, Trump won the debate

根據一些快速的民調，特朗普贏得了辯論。

by 98% to 2%.

由98%降至2%。

That's according to the fair polling site,

這是根據公平調查網站的數據。

guntotingeagle.com.

guntotingeagle.com。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But this is interesting. The Trump campaign announced

但這很有意思。特朗普競選團隊宣佈

that yesterday was their biggest online fundraising day ever,

昨天是他們有史以來最大的網上籌款日。

pulling in $26 million.

拉動了2600萬美元。

Wow, he really has the bird-killing wind at his back.

哇，他真的有殺鳥之風。

Yep, Trump raised $26 million.

是的，特朗普籌集了2600萬美元。

Today he was like, "Spend the million on TV ads,

今天他就說："把這一百萬花在電視廣告上。

put the rest in my Chinese bank account."

把剩下的錢存入我的中國銀行賬戶。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Did you see this? Two of Trump's guests last night

你看到這個了嗎？昨晚特朗普的兩位嘉賓

were Kid Rock and golfer John Daly.

是基德-洛克和高爾夫球手約翰-戴利。

Take a look at this.

看看這個。

[ Laughter ] They look great.

[笑]他們看起來很棒。

I think they bought those clothes at QAnon Members Only.

我想他們是在QAnon會員處買的衣服。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep, Trump wanted Kid Rock's support, mostly because

是的，特朗普希望得到Kid Rock的支持，主要是因為：

he thinks Kid Rock is Dwayne Johnson's son.

他認為Kid Rock是Dwayne Johnson的兒子。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I shouldn't make fun of them. In 2024,

我不應該取笑他們。在2024年

that's going to be the Republican ticket.

這將是 共和黨的票。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, after the debate, Donald Trump Jr.

同時，辯論結束後，小唐納德-特朗普。

went on Fox News and he was really pumped

上了福克斯新聞，他是真的泵。

about his dad's performance.

關於他爸爸的表現。

I mean, really pumped. Watch this.

我的意思是，真正的泵。看這個。

-The media runs right away. It's Russian disinformation.

-媒體馬上就跑了這是俄羅斯的假消息。

There's literally zero evidence

有字面上的零證據

that it's Russian disinformation.

這是俄羅斯的虛假資訊。

The Director of National Intelligence said --

國家情報局局長說...

and by the way, more importantly, the FBI said it,

順便說一句，更重要的是，FBI說的。

and I don't say that because I think the FBI has more

我這麼說不是因為我認為FBI有更多的...

credibility, I say that because it's pretty clear that the FBI

可信度，我之所以這麼說，是因為很明顯，聯邦調查局...

has done whatever they possibly could to hurt Donald Trump.

已經做了一切可能的事情來傷害唐納德-特朗普。

So if they're even coming out and saying this,

所以如果他們連這個都出來說。

meaning the upper levels of the FBI.

指的是聯邦調查局的高層。

The door kickers love us,

踢門的人喜歡我們。

not so much the bureaucrats at the top.

而不是高層的官僚。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Okay.

-好吧

Was he double parked or something?

他是雙倍停車還是什麼？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Looks like someone's been dipping into Daddy's

看來有人一直在浸泡在爸爸的。

nuclear-powered steroids.

核動力類固醇。

He sounds like a kindergartner

他的口氣像個幼兒園的孩子

who can't wait to tell you about his day.

迫不及待地想告訴你他的一天。

And then -- and then -- and then we finger painted,

然後... ... 然後... ... 然後我們用手指畫了畫。

and then we ate lunch, and then we played outside,

然後我們吃了午飯，然後我們在外面玩。

and then we -- and then we stuck up for Russia,

然後我們... ... 然後我們為俄羅斯撐腰。

and then --

然後...

I didn't know if I was watching "Hannity"

我不知道我是不是在看 "漢尼迪 "節目。

or an episode of "Narcos."

或 "緝毒組 "的一集。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

In six months, Don Jr.'s going to be auctioning off

半年後，小唐要拍賣的是

unclaimed storage units.

無人認領的儲存組織、部門；

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That was a good deep cut.

這是一個很好的深切。

He sounds like the guy who reads the side effects

他的口氣就像讀過副作用的人一樣

on the end of a Zoloft commercial.

在左洛復廣告的最後。

[ Rapid indistinct talking ]

[快速模糊的說話]

Sounded like every conversation that's ever happened at a rave.

聽起來就像是在狂歡節上發生的每一次對話。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, with less than two weeks until the election,

好吧，離選舉還有不到兩週的時間。

the President is campaigning as much as he can.

總統正在儘可能多地進行競選活動。

Take a look. -President Trump,

看看吧-特朗普總統。

he is about to begin a whirlwind weekend of campaigning.

他即將開始一個旋風般的週末競選活動。

He'll be heading down South for campaign events in the villages,

他將前往南方參加鄉村的競選活動。

then a rally tonight in the Panhandle and Pensacola.

然後今晚在Panhandle和Pensacola舉行集會。

He'll be staying overnight in Florida, getting a chance

他將在佛羅里達州過夜，得到一個機會

to early vote tomorrow.

到明天提前投票。

He'll be holding rallies this weekend in places like

他這個週末會在一些地方舉行集會，比如說...

North Carolina, Ohio, and Wisconsin.

北卡羅來納州、俄亥俄州和威斯康星州。

And then Sunday, another rally in New Hampshire.

然後週日，在新罕布什爾州又舉行了一次集會。

-He's starting to turn into that band where

-他開始變成那個樂隊，其中

you're just like, "Weren't they just here?"

你只是想，"他們不是剛來過嗎？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

The rallies aren't really changing

集會並沒有真正改變

Trump's approval rating.

特朗普的支持率。

However, the coronavirus numbers are through the roof.

然而，冠狀病毒的數量卻在不斷上升。

[ Laughter and ohhs ]

[Laughter and ohhs]

Trump hasn't worked this hard since he had to be quiet

特朗普自從不得不安靜下來後，就沒有這麼努力過了

for two minutes at the debate last night.

在昨晚的辯論中，有兩分鐘的時間。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

This is pretty crazy.

這是相當瘋狂的。

A security researcher claims that he was able to

一名安全研究人員聲稱，他能夠。

get into Trump's Twitter account by guessing his password.

通過猜測特朗普的密碼進入他的推特賬號。

Check out what it was.

看看是什麼。

-A Dutch security researcher was able to access

-一個荷蘭安全研究人員能夠訪問

President Trump's Twitter account last week

特朗普總統的推特賬號上週

by guessing his password,

通過猜測他的密碼。

maga2020!

Maga2020！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-If you're worried about the nuclear codes, don't be.

-如果你擔心核密碼，別擔心。

That password is maga2020!! with two exclamation points.

這個密碼是maga2020！！帶兩個感嘆號。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, another big story is early voting.

嗯，另一個大新聞是提前投票。

Millions of Americans are doing it,

數百萬美國人都在這樣做。

and today one of them was Mike Pence.

而今天其中一個就是邁克-彭斯。

Here he is casting his ballot in Indiana.

在這裡，他正在印第安納州投下他的選票。

Yep, the Pences were excited.

是的，Pences一家很興奮。

They haven't done a joint thumbs up since their honeymoon.

自從蜜月之後，他們就再也沒有做過聯合大拇指了。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

"What do you think?" "All right."

"你覺得呢？""好吧。"

Some news from overseas.

一些來自海外的消息。

-Okay.

-好吧

Never mind.

不要緊。

-Some news from overseas. -[ Laughs ]

-一些來自海外的消息。-[笑]

-North Korea has ordered a lockdown over concerns that

-北朝鮮因擔心：

yellow dust from China could spread the coronavirus.

來自中國的黃塵可能傳播冠狀病毒。

Kim Jong-Un made the announcement,

金正恩宣佈了這一消息。

along with his infectious disease expert,

與他的傳染病專家一起。

Dr. Kim Jong-Fauci.

金正福博士。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

If the lockdown wasn't bad enough,

如果封鎖還不夠糟糕的話。

Kim Jong-Un is now forcing everyone

金正恩現在逼迫大家。

to do a Zoom happy hour.

做一個Zoom的快樂時光。

[ Sighs ] Gosh.

[嘆息]天哪。

If you think quarantine in America is bad,

如果你覺得美國的檢疫很糟糕。

over in North Korea, the only thing they have on Netflix

在北韓，唯一的東西 他們有Netflix的

is "Emily in Pyongyang."

是 "艾米麗在平壤"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Nice one. -You can give me a thing.

-很好-你可以給我一個東西

-I got it. -Yeah, yeah.

-我知道了-是的，是的

It's just a mental -- it's a silent [imitates rimshot].

這只是一個心理--這是一個無聲的[模仿邊緣射擊]。

-I got it. -It's alright.

-我知道了-沒事的

[ Rimshot ] No, no. That's right.

[Rimshot] 不，不。這是正確的。

That's hacky. I know. You don't want to do that.

這是hacky。我知道 你不會想這麼做的 I know.你不會想這麼做的

-I take it back. -Yeah. Yeah.

-我把它收回去.我收回 - 是的是啊，是啊

-[ Imitates reverse speaking ]

-[模仿逆向說話]

-Oh, he took it back. -Yeah.

-哦，他把它拿回去了.-是的

-Oh, my God. [ Applause ]

-哦，我的上帝。[掌聲]

-He actually reversed himself.

-他居然反悔了

He reversed himself. That was awesome.

他反轉了自己。這是真棒。

[ Imitates reverse speaking ]

[模仿逆向說話]

Hey, did you see last night the New York Giants

嘿，你看到昨晚紐約巨人隊的比賽了嗎？

were playing...some team. -Who?

在玩... 某個團隊-誰？

-[ Groaning ] -It doesn't matter, right?

-沒關係，對吧？

The Philadelphia Eagles.

費城老鷹隊。

-Yeah. [ Rimshot ]

-是的。[Rimshot]

-And Giants quarterback Daniel Jones tried running

巨人隊四分衛丹尼爾-瓊斯也嘗試過跑動

for an 88-yard touchdown.

88碼的觸地得分。

Let's see how that went.

讓我們看看結果如何。

-From the 12. Jones keeps.

-從12點開始瓊斯保持。

Gets a block.

得到一個區塊。

Takes off, and he is gone!

騰空而起，他走了！

Trying to stay upright, and he trips!

他想保持直立，然後就被絆倒了！

[ Gasping ] [ Rimshot ]

[Gasping] [Rimshot]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-That felt like re-watching

-這感覺就像重看

the last season of "Game of Thrones."

"權力的遊戲 "的最後一季。

Like, yes, yes...aw!

就像，是的，是的......aw!

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, the holidays are coming up,

好了，假期快到了。

and Southwest Airlines just made a big announcement

和西南航空剛剛發佈了一個大消息

about their flights. Take a look.

關於他們的班機。看看吧

-Southwest Airlines is dropping a pandemic policy

-西南航空放棄了一項流行病政策

that provided more social distancing on flights.

提供了更多班機上的社交距離。

It will no longer keep middle seats empty,

它不會再讓中間的座位空著。

starting December 1st.

從12月1日開始。

Southwest says air filtering and masks

西南地區表示，空氣過濾和口罩

have created healthy environments aboard planes.

營造了健康的機上環境。

-Come on. It's Southwest.

-別這樣拜託，這是西南地區

The whole plane is a middle seat.

整架飛機的中間位置。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

You actually don't have to worry,

其實你不用擔心。

because even the coronavirus doesn't want anything to do

因為即使是冠狀病毒也不想做任何事情。

with the middle seat on Southwest.

與西南地區的中間座位。

The middle seat on Southwest.

西南的中間位置。

I'd rather be on lockdown in North Korea.

我寧願被關在北朝鮮。

Pretty sure the only in-flight entertainment they have

很確定他們唯一的機上娛樂設施是什麼

on Southwest is "Emily in Pyongyang."

在西南地區是 "艾米麗在平壤"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Scattered applause ]

[零星的掌聲]

And finally, Guinness is about to unveil

最後，吉尼斯即將推出以下產品

its newest product. Let's see what it is.

其最新的產品。讓我們來看看它是什麼。

-Guinness launching its first-ever non-alcoholic beer.

-吉尼斯推出其首款無酒精啤酒。

It's called Guinness Zero.

它叫吉尼斯零度。

It took the company four years to re-create the same taste

公司花了4年時間才重新打造出同樣的味道。

as its original stout without the alcohol.

如同它原來的黑啤一樣，沒有酒精。

-If you order that in Ireland,

-如果你在愛爾蘭點了這個

you're marched through town while everyone throws

你在鎮上游行，而每個人都在拋出。

rotten vegetables at you.

爛菜對著你。

"Shame, shame!"

"慚愧，慚愧！"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Guinness without booze?

沒有酒的吉尼斯？

Here's how Irish people are reacting.

愛爾蘭人的反應是這樣的。

-Come on! -There you go.

-來吧！-來吧！