IT'S NO LAUGHING MATTER, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT ATTEMPTS TO

這不是什麼好笑的事情，尤其是當它試圖去

DERIVE HUMOR FROM THE AMERICAN POLITICAL PROCESS.

從美國的政治進程中獲得幽默感。

THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT.

沒有什麼好玩的。

EXCEPT FOR WHEN THAT FLY LANDED ON MIKE PENCE'S HEAD.

除了當那隻蒼蠅落在邁克-彭斯頭上的時候。

THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

那是相當不錯的。

AND YET FOR REASONS UNKNOWN, WEEK AFTER WEEK, STEPHEN COLBERT

但由於不為人知的原因，週而復始，斯蒂芬-科爾伯特...

HAS TAKEN TO "THE LATE SHOW"" AND BRAZENLY ATTEMPTED TO MAKE

已採取 "晚間秀""並大膽地試圖使......。

JOKES IN THE RUN-UP TO THE 2020 ELECTION.

2020年大選前的笑話。

YOU CRAZY BASTARD.

你這個瘋狂的混蛋。

HELLO, I'M SAM WATER STON.

你好，我是薩姆-沃特-斯頓。

YOU MAY RECOGNIZE ME FROM "LAW & ORDER," OR MY PERSONAL PASTA

你可能會從 "法律與秩序 "中認出我，或者是我的個人PASTA。

SAUCES WHERE NONE OF THE MONEY GOES TO CHARITY.

沒有任何錢捐給慈善機構的醬油。

TONIGHT I WILL BE YOUR GUIDE AS WE LOOK AT THE THE LATE SHOW

今晚我將是你的嚮導，我們看晚間節目。

WITH STEPHEN COLBERT'S 2020 CAMPAIGN COVERAGE."

與STEPHEN COLBERT的2020年競選報道。"

AND WHILE THIS WILL BE A COLLECTION OF SOME OF THE BEST

雖然這將是一個集合的一些最好的。

MOMENTS FROM "THE LATE SHOW," I ASSURE YOU THIS IS NOT SOME

"晚間秀 "的片段，我向你保證，這不是什麼。

SILLY "BEST OF" SHOW.

SILLY "BEST OF "SHOW.

IT IS SOMETHING MUCH MORE IMPORTANT.

這是更重要的事情。

TONIGHT, WE FULFILL A COTRACTUAL OBLIGATION TO THE

今天晚上，我們要履行對《公約》的義務。

NETWORK.

網絡：

WE BEGIN WITH SOME OF COLBERT'S BEST MONOLOGUES FROM THE

我們先來看看柯爾柏特的一些最棒的獨白

DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY.

民主黨初選：

FIRST, OF COURSE, THE OPENING CREDITS.

首先，當然是開場白。

>> IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT: 2020 CAMPAIGN

>> IT'S A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT: 2020 CamPAIGN.

COVERAGE SPECIAL."

報道特別。"

PLUS THE BEST OF CANDIDAT MONOLOGUES, THE BEST OF

加上最好的候選人獨白，最好的。

CANDIDATE INTERVIEWS AND CAMPAIGN FIELD PIECES.

候選人訪談和競選現場報道：

AND SAM WATERSTON EATING A GIANT SANDWICH.

薩姆・沃特斯頓在吃一個巨大的三明治。

AND NOW LIVE ON A BURCH OF TAPES FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER,

現在直播的是ED SULLIVAN劇院的錄音帶。

IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!

是斯蒂芬-科爾伯特！

>> TRUMP'S DAYS ARE NUMBERED.

>> 特朗普的日子不多了。

AT LEAST FOR HIS FIRST TERM, BECAUSE WE'RE GETTING CLOSER AND

至少在他的第一個任期內是這樣，因為我們越來越接近了

CLOSER TO THE NEXT PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.

距離下屆總統選舉越來越近。

THERE ARE A LOT OF DEMOCRATS IN THIS THING.

有很多民主黨人在這件事上。

IN FACT, HERE ARE ALL THE CANDIDATES.

事實上，這裡是所有的候選人。

( LAUGHTER ) "THE NEW YORK TIMES" SAYS ARE

（笑）"紐約時報 "說是

EITHERTRUNNING OR MIGHT RUN.

無論是跑步還是可能運行。

THIS-- THERE'S A ( SNIFFS )

這... ... 有一個（SNIFFS）。

OF COURSE, WITH NEARLY 30 PEOPLE POSSIBLY VYING FOR THE

當然，與近30人可能爭奪冠軍。

DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION, IT'S EASIER TO FOCUS ON WHO'S NOT

民主黨提名，更容易關注誰不是。

RUNNING AND WE'LL DO THAT IN MY NEW SEGMENT "NOT DOING IT DONKEY

奔跑，我們將在我的新部門 "不做它的驢 "中做到這一點。

STYLE."

STYLE。"

>> NO, THANKS!

>> 不，謝謝！

>> Stephen: FIRST BOWING OUT, HILLARY CLINTON HAS ANNOUNCED

>> Stephen:首度退場，希拉里-克林頓已宣佈

HE'S NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT IN 2020.

他不會在2020年競選總統。

THAT IS TOUGH NEWS FOR REPUBLICANS.

這對共和黨人來說是個艱難的消息。

THEY STILL HAVEN'T REALIZED SHE'S NO LONGER RUNNING IN 2016.

他們仍然沒有意識到她沒有在2016年競選。

( LAUGHTER ) I STUCK A VOTEO OF VOLDER MORT

（笑）我插了一個投票較老MORT的

IN THERE, AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE.

在那裡，你甚至沒有注意到。

RIGHT DOWN THERE.

就在那裡。

( APPLAUSE ) OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S A VOLT.

很明顯，這是一個伏特。

VOLDERMORT IS A LIBERTARIAN.

VOLDERMORT是一個自由主義者 VOLDERMORT IS A LIBERTARIAN.

BIDEN HAS LED EVERY NATIONAL POLL OF DEMOCRATS, WITHOUT EVEN

比登在全美民主黨人的民意調查中都處於領先地位，甚至沒有。

HAVING DECLARED HE'S RUNNING.

宣佈他正在競選，

BUT ON SATURDAY, HE MAY HAVE ACCIDENTALLY SPILLED THE BEANS.

但在週六，他可能不小心把豆子撒出去了。

>> I AM THE MOST PROGRESSIVE RECORD OF ANYBODY RUNNING FOR

>> 我是所有競選人中進步最快的記錄。

THE-- IF ANYBODY WHO WOULD RUN.

如果有誰願意跑，

( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THE MAN HAS NOT

( 掌聲 ) >> Stephen:該男子沒有

LOST A MISSTEP.

失去了一個錯誤的步驟。

BIDEN LEADS TRUMP BY 13 POINTS.

比登領先特朗普13個百分點。

AND IT'S NOT JUST BIDEN.

這不僅僅是比登。

IN THE POLL, SANDERS BEATS TRUMP BY NINE POINTS, HARRIS WINS BY

民調中，桑德斯贏了特朗普9個百分點，哈里斯贏了。

EIGHT POINTS, WARREN BEATS HIM BY 7.

八分，華倫勝他七分。

BUTTIGIEG AND BOOKER BOTH BEAT HIM BY FIVE.

BUTTIGIEG和BOOKER都贏了他五分。

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

（歡呼聲和掌聲）：

AND-- AND SOMEHOW-- AND SOMEHOW, BILL DE BLASIO STILL LOSES BY

而且... ... 而且某種程度上，比爾-德-布拉西奧仍然失去了以。

137%.

137%.

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, WE ARE LIVE--

（笑）現在，我們是活 -

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S A LIVE-- THAT'S A LIVE

（歡呼聲和掌聲）這是一個活 - 這是一個活的。

AUDIENCE RIGHT THERE.

聽眾就在那裡。

IT IS JUST CRACKLING WITH TERRORIST IN HERE.

它只是噼裡啪啦地響著與恐怖分子在這裡。

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

（歡呼聲和掌聲）：

BECAUSE-- WE'RE LIVE AFTER THE FIRST OF TWO DEMOCRATIC

因為... ...我們正生活在兩屆民主黨人的第一場會議之後。

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES.

主席辯論：

TONIGHT, WEDNESDAY, WAS THE UNDER-CARD PITTING ELIZABETH

今晚，週二，是下場比賽，艾麗薩貝特。

WARREN, CORY BOOKER, AND BETO O'ROURKE AGAINST SEVEN PEOPLE

WARREN, CORY BOOKER, AND BETO O'ROURKE AGAINST SEVEN PEOPLE.

ANGLING FOR MSNBC WHAT'S YOUR MESSAGE FOR CARDI B

在MSNBC的角力中，你對CARDI B的留言是什麼？

AND HER FOLLOWERS.

和她的追隨者。

>> I THANK HER VERY MUCH.H3 I'M VERY APPRECIATIVE TO HAVE

>> 我非常感謝她.H3 我非常感激有。

HER SUPPORT.

她的支持：

>> IT'S THE MATCH-UP OF THE CENTURY.

>> 這就是本世紀的比賽。

LOOK, I DON'T MAKE MONEY MOVES.

聽著，我不賺錢移動。

I MOVIE MONEY FROM THE BILLIONAIRE CLASS TO THE 99%.

我把錢從億萬富翁階層轉移到99%。

I'M A DOG.

我是一隻狗。

I'M A FLIRT.

我是一個火槍。

AND IT'S HIGH TIME WE HAD MEDICARE.

而現在是我們享受醫保的時候了。

IT IS HIGH TIME WE HAD MEDICARE FOR ALL YOU BROKE HO'S.

現在是時候為你們這些破產的人提供醫保了。

I KNOW A BAD BITCH WHEN I SEE ONE.

我知道一個壞婊子，當我看到一個。

TELL RI-RI-I NEED A THREE SELL.

告訴RI -RI，我需要一個三賣。

AFTER NIGHT ONE OF THE DEMOCRATIC DEBATE, THIS IS THE

在民主黨辯論的第一晚之後，這是

SECOND ROUND OF DEBATES, SO WE'RE CALLING IT "DEMOCRATIC

第二輪辯論，所以我們稱之為 "民主"。

DEBATE NIGHT-- TOO MANY CANDIDATES TO REMEMBER FORGET

HARDER."

更難。"

JOE BIDEN BROKE THE ICE WITH HARRIS RIGHT OFF THE TOP.

喬-比登打破了哈里斯的冰封，從頭開始。

TOP.

頂部：

>> TO WHICH HARRIS RESPONDED, "I HOPE YOU'RE WEARING A CUP."

>> 哈里斯回答說："我希望你戴著罩杯。"

>> BIDEN DID WELL ENOUGH TO STOP SOME OF THE FEARS BUT NOT TO

>> 比登做得很好，足以阻止一些恐懼，但不至於。

GIVE PEOPLE THAT OVERWHELMING CONFIDENCE THIS IS OUR GUY.

給人們以信心，這是我們的人。

>> I THINK BIDEN DID OKAY.

>> 我覺得比登做得還不錯。

>> HE CAME THROUGH IT JUST FINE.

>>他通過它只是罰款。

>> HE DID WELL ENOUGH.

>> 他做得很好，足夠了。

WAS HE AMAZING?

是不是很神奇？

WAS HE PERFECT?

他是完美的嗎？

WAS HE ENTIRELY CONSISTENT?

他是完全一致的嗎？

NO.

編號：

>> Stephen: THERE YOU HAVE IT.

>> Stephen:你有它。

DEMOCRATS HAVE GONE FROM, "YES WE CAN," TO "THAT WILL DO.

民主黨人已經從 "是的，我們可以 "變成了 "那就可以了"。

I'LL TAKE IT."

我將採取它。"

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "I'LL TAKE IT.

（歡呼聲和掌聲） "我會採取它。

I'M FINE WITH THAT."

我沒問題。"

>> Jon: YOU LIKE THAT.

>> 喬恩。你喜歡這樣。

>> Stephen: I'M FINE WITH THAT.

>> Stephen:我沒問題

BUT THERE'S PLENTY OF TIME, RIGHT?

但還有很多時間，對吧？

THE ELECTION IS STILL 16 MONTHS AWAY.

選舉還有16個月才開始

YOU GOTTA HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE AT FIRST, RIGHT?

你首先要有很多人，對吧？

IT'S LIKE-- IT'S LIKE-- IT'S LIKE SEA TURTLES HATCHING ON A

這就像... 這就像... 這就像海龜在孵化一樣。

BEACH, OKAY.

沙灘，好的。

LOTS OF BIRDS CIRCLING OVERHEAD, BUT THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF THEM.

很多鳥在空中盤旋，但有成千上萬的鳥。

ONE OF THEM HAS TO MAKE IT TO THE WATER.

他們中必須有一個人到水裡去。

PLUS IT'S GOING TO BE SO FUN TO WATCH THOSE BIRDS DRAG OFF BILL

另外，看那些鳥兒拖走比爾會很有趣的

DE BLASIO.

DE BLASIO.

>> Jon: OH!

>> 喬恩。哦！

OH!

哦！

>> Stephen: CIRCLE OF LIFE.

>> Stephen: CIRCLE OF LIFE.

SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS JUST ANNOUNCED SHE IS DROPPING OUT OF

卡馬拉-哈里斯參議員剛剛宣佈，她將退出。

THE RACE.

比賽：

RACE.

種族：

( EXPLOSION ) THERE SHE IS, OFF TO LOW ORBIT.

她在那裡，離開低軌道。

WHEN IT COMES TO NOT BEING THE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT, SHE WAS

當談到不是第一任女總統時，她是：

THAT LITTLE GIRL.

那個小女孩。

( LAUGHTER ) SENATOR...

（笑）參議員... ...

>> Jon: OOOOH!

>> 喬恩：OOOOH！

>> Stephen: YOU'RE WELCOME.

>> Stephen:歡迎您的到來。

( LAUGHTER ) HARRIS WASN'T ALONE IN LEAVING

哈里斯並不是唯一一個離開的人

THE RACE.

比賽：

ON MONDAY, MONTANA GOVERNOR STEVE BULLOCK ALSO DROPPED OUT.

週一，蒙大拿州州長史蒂夫-布洛克也退出了。

UNFORTUNATELY, DUE TO HIS LOW POLL NUMBERS, BULLOCK DID NOT

不幸的是，由於他的民調數字較低，BULLOCK並沒有

QUALIFY TO BE IN THIS JOKE.

有資格成為在這個笑話。

( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT'S HARD FOR ME NOT TO TAKE

但我很難不接受。

THIS A LITTLE PERSONALLY BECAUSE YOU SEE BOTH HARRIS AND BULLOCK

這有點個人化，因為你看到了哈里斯和布洛克。

HAD MEMORABLE APPEARANCE HERE'S ON "THE LATE SHOW"."

在 "晚間秀 "上有過難忘的亮相。"

HARRIS WAS ON THE SHOW FOUR TIMES, INCLUDING JUST TWO WEEKS

哈里斯上了四次節目，包括剛剛兩週的時間

AGO FOR HER LAST APPEARANCE ON LATE NIGHT AS A CANDIDATE.

她最後一次以候選人的身份出現在深夜。

AND REMEMBER WHO ANNOUNCED THEY WERE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT ON MY

還記得誰在我的網站上宣佈他們要競選總統嗎？

SHOW?

SHOW？

KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND AND ERIC SWALWELL.

KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND AND ERIC SWALWELL.

I AM OFFICIALLY THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY KISS OF DEATH.

我是正式的民主黨首要的死亡之吻。

THIS ISN'T FOR SURE, BUT IT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH

這並不確定，但它可能有一定的關係。

MY GREEN WROOM I STORE MY LADDER, BROKEN MIRROR, AND BLACK

我的綠色房間，我存放著我的梯子，破碎的鏡子，和黑色的。

CAT COLLECTION.

貓的收藏。

IF I'M GOING TO BE A JINX, I MIGHT AS WELL USE IT TO HELP

如果我要做一個小丑，我不如用它來幫助你。

AMERICA.

美國：

JOHN DELANEY, COME ON THIS SHOW.

約翰・德蘭伊，來這個節目。

IT'S TIME.

它的時間。

THIS WEEK, MAYOR BLOOMBERG MET WITH VOTERS IN BURLINGTON,

本週，市長布隆伯格在BURLINGTON與選民見面。

VERMONT, AND SHOOK A DOG'S FACE.

佛蒙特，並搖了一隻狗的臉。

NO!

不！

BAD BILLIONAIRE!

壞的億萬富翁！

BAD!

糟糕！

DOWN, MIKE!

下來，邁克！

DOWN!

下來！

THE DOG ACTUALLY SEEMED TO LIKE IT.

狗似乎都喜歡它。

SO NOW BLOOMBERG DOES THE SAME THING WITH ALL THE BABIES HE

所以現在布隆伯格對他的所有孩子都做了同樣的事情。

MEETS.

會議：

( LAUGHTER ) THERE IS-- THERE IS JUST SO MUCH

（笑）有 - 有 - 有這麼多。

TO TALK ABOUT TONIGHT, JON.

今晚要談的是，瓊。

WE TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE.

我們以前談過這個問題。

>> Jon: YES, YES, YES.

>> 喬恩。是的，是的，是的。

>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT THE SUPER BOWL.

>> Stephen:我們已經得到了超級碗。

WE'VE GOT IMPEACHMENT.

我們已經得到了豁免。