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  • -Welcome to "The Tonight Show."

    -歡迎來到 "今夜秀"。

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

    讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

  • Well, guys, after spending four days in the hospital,

    好了,夥計們,在醫院裡呆了四天之後。

  • last night, President Trump arrived

    昨晚,特朗普總統抵達

  • back at the White House

    回到白宮

  • and it was quite a scene. Take a look.

    並且場面相當壯觀。看看吧

  • -Walking out the doors of Walter Reed,

    走出沃爾特-裡德的大門。

  • boarding Marine One for his flight back to the White House,

    登上海軍陸戰隊一號返回白宮的班機。

  • where he marched up the steps.

    在那裡,他走上了臺階。

  • -And then, the president, who is still contagious,

    -然後,總統,他仍然具有傳染性。

  • did something remarkable.

    做了一些了不起的事情。

  • He took off his mask.

    他摘下了面具。

  • And the president,

    而總統。

  • who is supposed to be in isolation,

    本該與世隔絕的人。

  • then walked inside to a room full of people.

    然後走到裡面的一間屋子裡。

  • [ Laughter ] -Pssh!

    [笑]Pssh!

  • -There's a lot to unpack here.

    -這裡有很多東西要解開。

  • First, why would he use the White House entrance

    首先,他為什麼要用白宮的入口?

  • with the most stairs?

    有最多的樓梯?

  • [ Laughter ] I mean,

    [笑]我的意思是。

  • I've never seen him climb those steps in four years.

    四年來,我從沒見他爬過這些臺階。

  • I mean, why would he do that now?

    我的意思是,為什麼他現在要這麼做?

  • The Obamas were in perfect shape

    奧巴馬伕婦的身材很好

  • and they never climbed those steps.

    而他們從來沒有爬過這些臺階。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Seriously, I'm not sure it was safe for him

    說真的,我不知道這對他是否安全

  • to climb 22 steps before COVID.

    攀爬22級臺階,然後才是COVID。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • It felt like that famous scene where Rocky climbs up the steps,

    感覺就像洛基爬上臺階的那個著名場景。

  • but everyone behind him is running

    但後面的人都在跑

  • in the opposite direction.

    在相反的方向。

  • [ Laughter ] ♪ Bene womp! ♪

    [笑] Bene womp!

  • Buna -- fleneh wah

    ♪ Buna -fleneh wah ♪

  • I'm trying to do the reverse -- -The reverse of an A chord?

    我想做反轉A和絃的反轉?

  • [ Laughter ] -[ Clapping ]

    [笑聲] -[拍手]

  • Wanah wonk

    Wanah wonk

  • -No, no. -No?

    -不,不-沒有?

  • -1.8 million, no, no, no.

    -180萬,不,不,不。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • -Good for him. He made it to the top,

    -對他有好處很好,他到了頂峰

  • where he was greeted by some staffers

    在那裡,他受到了一些工作人員的歡迎。

  • showing off their best, "Oh, my God.

    炫耀他們最好的,"哦,我的上帝。

  • We're so glad you're back" face.

    我們很高興你回來了 "的表情。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Then, the big reveal atop the balcony,

    然後,在陽臺上大顯身手。

  • he took off his mask

    他摘下面具

  • and you could almost hear him being like...

    你幾乎可以聽到他是像... ...

  • [ As Trump ] Ta-da!

    嗒嗒!

  • And, now, for my next trick,

    而現在,我的下一個技巧。

  • I will make everyone in the White House disappear.

    我會讓白宮的所有人都消失。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Trump pulled off that mask like he was revealing

    特朗普摘下那張面具,就像他露出來的一樣。

  • that he'd been his twin brother the whole time.

    他一直都是他的孿生兄弟。

  • [ Changes accent ] You fools, it was me, Ronald!

    你們這些傻瓜,是我,羅納德!

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • The entire time.

    整個時間。

  • That's the craziest thing he's ever done on that balcony,

    這是他在陽臺上做過的最瘋狂的事情。

  • and that's the same place where he looked

    而這也是他尋找的地方。

  • straight into an eclipse.

    直接變成了日食。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • If you're worried Trump didn't use that mask again, don't be.

    如果你擔心特朗普沒有再使用那個面具,就不要擔心。

  • He then used it to turn every doorknob.

    他就用它來轉動每一個門把手。

  • [ As Trump ] Safety first.

    安全第一

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Safety first. Now, you close it.

    安全第一現在,你關閉它。

  • Now, you close it.

    現在,你關閉它。

  • [ Laughter ] -Ew!

    [笑聲] -EW!

  • -When he got back to the White House,

    -當他回到白宮的時候,

  • Trump tweeted a video where he once again

    特朗普在推特上發佈了一段視頻,在視頻中,他再次

  • downplayed the virus. Listen to this.

    淡化了病毒。聽聽這個。

  • -I just left Walter Reed Medical Center

    -我剛離開沃爾特里德醫療中心

  • and it's really something very special.

    而且它真的是非常特別的東西。

  • And I learned so much about coronavirus

    我還學到了很多關於冠狀病毒的知識。

  • and one thing that's for certain --

    有一件事是肯定的 -

  • don't let it dominate you.

    不要讓它支配你。

  • Don't be afraid of it.

    不要怕它。

  • You're going to beat it.

    你要打敗它。

  • And I know there's a risk, there's a danger,

    我知道有風險,有危險。

  • but that's okay.

    但這沒關係。

  • And, now, I'm better and maybe I'm immune.

    而且,現在,我已經好了,也許我已經免疫了。

  • I don't know.

    我不知道。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • [ As Trump ] I don't know. Maybe I'm Spider-Man.

    我不知道.也許我是蜘蛛俠

  • [ Laughter ] Maybe I have Spidey powers

    也許我有蜘蛛俠的能力

  • and I can climb up the White House.

    而我可以爬上白宮。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • It feels like that part of the movie

    感覺就像電影裡的那部分

  • where Trump was bitten by a werewolf

    特朗普被狼人咬的地方

  • and plays it off like it's no big deal. He's like --

    併發揮它關閉 像它沒有什麼大不了的。他就像...

  • [ As Trump ] Totally fine. Never better.

    完全沒問題再好不過了

  • Sure, I howl at the Moon and I have a taste for humans,

    當然,我對著月亮嚎叫,我對人類也有興趣。

  • but, mostly, a-okay.

    但是,大部分情況下,a -okay。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Trump's still sick and he thinks he's immune. He's like --

    特朗普還在生病,他認為他是免疫的。他就像...

  • [ As Trump ] I just tested negative.

    我的測試結果是陰性。

  • I just peed on a nasal swab

    我剛剛尿在鼻屎上了。

  • five minutes ago, so. [ Laughter ]

    五分鐘前,所以。[笑聲]

  • Could we look into that?

    我們能調查一下嗎?

  • Also, I'm pretty sure Trump has become our first

    而且,我很確定特朗普已經成為我們的第一人。

  • vlogger-in-chief. [ Laughter ]

    vlogger-in-chief。[笑]

  • [ As Trump ] What's up, fam?

    怎麼了,範姆?

  • It's your boy DJ T.

    這是你的兒子DJ T.

  • [ Laughter ] Just got out of the hospital.

    [笑] 剛出院。

  • Feeling hundo p.

    感受百戶P。

  • Be sure to like and subscribe and check out my merch.

    一定要喜歡和訂閱並查看我的商品。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Well, after all that, Trump is back in the White House,

    好吧,經過這一切,特朗普又回到了白宮。

  • but it's a very different White House

    但這是一個非常不同的白宮

  • than the one he left just a few days ago. Watch this.

    比他幾天前離開的那個。看這個。

  • Yeah, Trump staffers want to work somewhere safer,

    是啊,特朗普的員工想去更安全的地方工作。

  • so they all booked tickets for a Carnival cruise.

    所以他們都訂了嘉年華郵輪的票。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • That's right, the White House is practically empty.

    沒錯,白宮幾乎是空的。

  • Things are so bad, today Trump had to write

    事情太糟糕了,今天特朗普不得不寫道

  • a tell-all book about himself.

    一本講述自己的書。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • It is not a great scene over there.

    那邊的場面並不好看。

  • Tonight Trump was outside Melania's door,

    今晚特朗普在梅拉尼婭的門外。

  • whispering through the keyhole...

    通過鑰匙孔竊竊私語... ...

  • [ As Trump ] ♪ Do you want to build a snowman? ♪

    [作為特朗普] 你想建立一個雪人嗎?

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • But the White House is taking some precautions.

    但白宮正在採取一些預防措施。

  • For example, the press briefing room was thoroughly sanitized.

    比如,新聞發佈廳進行了徹底的消毒。

  • Take a look at this.

    看看這個。

  • There you go, yep.

    你去那裡,是的。

  • Later, that same guy was seen

    後來,有人看到同一個人

  • spraying Diet Coke directly into Trump's mouth.

    將健怡可樂直接噴到特朗普的嘴裡。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • As if all this wasn't crazy enough,

    好像這一切還不夠瘋狂似的。

  • it now appears that the top members of the military

    看來,軍方高層人士

  • have also been exposed to the virus.

    也曾接觸過該病毒。

  • -All but one member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

    -除一名參謀長聯席會議成員外,其他所有成員都是如此。

  • are now under quarantine,

    現在已經被隔離了。

  • this after a top Coast Guard official

    這是在一名海岸警衛隊高級官員

  • tested positive for coronavirus after visiting...

    檢測出冠狀病毒陽性後,訪問... ...

  • the White House. -This is nuts.

    白宮-這是個瘋子

  • Our top military leaders are working from home!

    我軍高層領導在家辦公!

  • Right now, there's a four-star general

    現在,有一個四星級的將軍

  • getting really into sourdough bread.

    越來越多的酸麵糰麵包。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • It's comforting to know that, if someone were to attack,

    令人欣慰的是,如果有人要攻擊。

  • our officials will be quickly trying to figure out

    我們的官員會很快地想出

  • a Zoom link.

    a Zoom鏈接。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Let's change gears here.

    讓我們在這裡換個等級。

  • I saw that Apple is now involved

    我看到蘋果現在參與

  • in a pretty interesting lawsuit. Listen to this.

    在一個相當有趣的訴訟。聽聽這個。

  • -Apple is suing a former

    -蘋果公司正在起訴一名前

  • recycling partner in Canada

    加拿大的回收夥伴

  • for allegedly not doing its job.

    因為據稱沒有履行其職責。

  • Apple claims the recycling company

    蘋果稱回收公司

  • actually resold more than 100,000 iPhones, iPads,

    實際上轉賣了10多萬部iPhone、iPad。

  • and Apple Watches that it was supposed to destroy.

    和蘋果手錶,它應該被摧毀。

  • -Apple was like, "Hey! Reselling the same phone

    -蘋果就像,"嘿!轉售同樣的手機。

  • over and over is our thing."

    一遍又一遍是我們的事情。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Apparently, the recycling company

    顯然,回收公司

  • sold some of the old phones and then kept the rest

    賣掉一些舊手機,然後保留其餘的手機

  • in a random kitchen drawer, like everyone else.

    在一個隨機的廚房抽屜裡,像其他人一樣。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • "This'll be worth something someday."

    "這東西總有一天會值錢的。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Listen to this. Yesterday, Governor Phil Murphy

    聽聽這個。昨天,州長菲爾-墨菲

  • tweeted that "Halloween is ON"

    在推特上說 "萬聖節開始了"

  • in New Jersey this year.

    今年在新澤西州。

  • [ Laughing and scoffing ]

    [笑和嘲笑]

  • Halloween's very special in New Jersey.

    萬聖節在紐澤西很特別

  • It's the first time parents get to see their kids

    這是父母第一次看到自己的孩子

  • go door-to-door making "collections."

    挨家挨戶做 "收藏"。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • [ Italian accent ] This is it?

    [意大利口音] 就是這個?

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • I'll be back for the rest tomorrow,

    我明天再來休息。

  • and you better have it.

    你最好擁有它。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Check this out. I read about a man

    看看這個我讀到一個男人

  • who paid for a billboard

    誰出錢買的廣告牌

  • advertising a date with him back in January.

    廣告與他的日期早在一月。

  • And good news --

    好消息是...

  • he now has a girlfriend.

    他現在有一個女朋友。

  • [ Cheering and applause ] Yeah.

    [歡呼和掌聲] 是啊。

  • [ Whistling ]

    [口哨聲]

  • Though it got weird today when there was

    雖然今天變得很奇怪,當有

  • a giant billboard that said...

    一個巨大的廣告牌,上面寫著...

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • And, finally, a new study just came out that says...

    最後,一項新的研究剛剛出來,說... ...

  • ...and there's no part of their brain

    ...而且他們的大腦裡沒有任何部分

  • that can tell the difference

    一清二楚

  • between the front and back of humans' heads.

    在人類的前後腦之間。

  • [ Laughter ] -Hm.

    [笑]嗯。

  • -Yes, yes, yes, these are

    -是的,是的,是的,這些都是。

  • the scientific breakthroughs we want right now.

    我們現在想要的科學突破。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

-Welcome to "The Tonight Show."

-歡迎來到 "今夜秀"。

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