Let's get to the news and jokes.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, after spending four days in the hospital,

好了，夥計們，在醫院裡呆了四天之後。

last night, President Trump arrived

昨晚，特朗普總統抵達

back at the White House

回到白宮

and it was quite a scene. Take a look.

並且場面相當壯觀。看看吧

-Walking out the doors of Walter Reed,

走出沃爾特-裡德的大門。

boarding Marine One for his flight back to the White House,

登上海軍陸戰隊一號返回白宮的班機。

where he marched up the steps.

在那裡，他走上了臺階。

-And then, the president, who is still contagious,

-然後，總統，他仍然具有傳染性。

did something remarkable.

做了一些了不起的事情。

He took off his mask.

他摘下了面具。

And the president,

而總統。

who is supposed to be in isolation,

本該與世隔絕的人。

then walked inside to a room full of people.

然後走到裡面的一間屋子裡。

[ Laughter ] -Pssh!

[笑]Pssh！

-There's a lot to unpack here.

-這裡有很多東西要解開。

First, why would he use the White House entrance

首先，他為什麼要用白宮的入口？

with the most stairs?

有最多的樓梯？

[ Laughter ] I mean,

[笑]我的意思是。

I've never seen him climb those steps in four years.

四年來，我從沒見他爬過這些臺階。

I mean, why would he do that now?

我的意思是，為什麼他現在要這麼做？

The Obamas were in perfect shape

奧巴馬伕婦的身材很好

and they never climbed those steps.

而他們從來沒有爬過這些臺階。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Seriously, I'm not sure it was safe for him

說真的，我不知道這對他是否安全

to climb 22 steps before COVID.

攀爬22級臺階，然後才是COVID。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It felt like that famous scene where Rocky climbs up the steps,

感覺就像洛基爬上臺階的那個著名場景。

but everyone behind him is running

但後面的人都在跑

in the opposite direction.

在相反的方向。

[ Laughter ] ♪ Bene womp! ♪

[笑] Bene womp！

♪ Buna -- fleneh wah ♪

♪ Buna -fleneh wah ♪

I'm trying to do the reverse -- -The reverse of an A chord?

我想做反轉A和絃的反轉？

[ Laughter ] -[ Clapping ]

[笑聲] -[拍手]

♪ Wanah wonk ♪

Wanah wonk

-No, no. -No?

-不，不-沒有？

-1.8 million, no, no, no.

-180萬，不，不，不。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Good for him. He made it to the top,

-對他有好處很好，他到了頂峰

where he was greeted by some staffers

在那裡，他受到了一些工作人員的歡迎。

showing off their best, "Oh, my God.

炫耀他們最好的，"哦，我的上帝。

We're so glad you're back" face.

我們很高興你回來了 "的表情。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Then, the big reveal atop the balcony,

然後，在陽臺上大顯身手。

he took off his mask

他摘下面具

and you could almost hear him being like...

你幾乎可以聽到他是像... ...

[ As Trump ] Ta-da!

嗒嗒！

And, now, for my next trick,

而現在，我的下一個技巧。

I will make everyone in the White House disappear.

我會讓白宮的所有人都消失。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Trump pulled off that mask like he was revealing

特朗普摘下那張面具，就像他露出來的一樣。

that he'd been his twin brother the whole time.

他一直都是他的孿生兄弟。

[ Changes accent ] You fools, it was me, Ronald!

你們這些傻瓜，是我，羅納德！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

The entire time.

整個時間。

That's the craziest thing he's ever done on that balcony,

這是他在陽臺上做過的最瘋狂的事情。

and that's the same place where he looked

而這也是他尋找的地方。

straight into an eclipse.

直接變成了日食。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

If you're worried Trump didn't use that mask again, don't be.

如果你擔心特朗普沒有再使用那個面具，就不要擔心。

He then used it to turn every doorknob.

他就用它來轉動每一個門把手。

[ As Trump ] Safety first.

安全第一

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Safety first. Now, you close it.

安全第一現在，你關閉它。

Now, you close it.

現在，你關閉它。

[ Laughter ] -Ew!

[笑聲] -EW！

-When he got back to the White House,

-當他回到白宮的時候，

Trump tweeted a video where he once again

特朗普在推特上發佈了一段視頻，在視頻中，他再次

downplayed the virus. Listen to this.

淡化了病毒。聽聽這個。

-I just left Walter Reed Medical Center

-我剛離開沃爾特里德醫療中心

and it's really something very special.

而且它真的是非常特別的東西。

And I learned so much about coronavirus

我還學到了很多關於冠狀病毒的知識。

and one thing that's for certain --

有一件事是肯定的 -

don't let it dominate you.

不要讓它支配你。

Don't be afraid of it.

不要怕它。

You're going to beat it.

你要打敗它。

And I know there's a risk, there's a danger,

我知道有風險，有危險。

but that's okay.

但這沒關係。

And, now, I'm better and maybe I'm immune.

而且，現在，我已經好了，也許我已經免疫了。

I don't know.

我不知道。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ As Trump ] I don't know. Maybe I'm Spider-Man.

我不知道.也許我是蜘蛛俠

[ Laughter ] Maybe I have Spidey powers

也許我有蜘蛛俠的能力

and I can climb up the White House.

而我可以爬上白宮。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It feels like that part of the movie

感覺就像電影裡的那部分

where Trump was bitten by a werewolf

特朗普被狼人咬的地方

and plays it off like it's no big deal. He's like --

併發揮它關閉 像它沒有什麼大不了的。他就像...

[ As Trump ] Totally fine. Never better.

完全沒問題再好不過了

Sure, I howl at the Moon and I have a taste for humans,

當然，我對著月亮嚎叫，我對人類也有興趣。

but, mostly, a-okay.

但是，大部分情況下，a -okay。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Trump's still sick and he thinks he's immune. He's like --

特朗普還在生病，他認為他是免疫的。他就像...

[ As Trump ] I just tested negative.

我的測試結果是陰性。

I just peed on a nasal swab

我剛剛尿在鼻屎上了。

five minutes ago, so. [ Laughter ]

五分鐘前，所以。[笑聲]

Could we look into that?

我們能調查一下嗎？

Also, I'm pretty sure Trump has become our first

而且，我很確定特朗普已經成為我們的第一人。

vlogger-in-chief. [ Laughter ]

vlogger-in-chief。[笑]

[ As Trump ] What's up, fam?

怎麼了，範姆？

It's your boy DJ T.

這是你的兒子DJ T.

[ Laughter ] Just got out of the hospital.

[笑] 剛出院。

Feeling hundo p.

感受百戶P。

Be sure to like and subscribe and check out my merch.

一定要喜歡和訂閱並查看我的商品。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, after all that, Trump is back in the White House,

好吧，經過這一切，特朗普又回到了白宮。

but it's a very different White House

但這是一個非常不同的白宮

than the one he left just a few days ago. Watch this.

比他幾天前離開的那個。看這個。

Yeah, Trump staffers want to work somewhere safer,

是啊，特朗普的員工想去更安全的地方工作。

so they all booked tickets for a Carnival cruise.

所以他們都訂了嘉年華郵輪的票。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right, the White House is practically empty.

沒錯，白宮幾乎是空的。

Things are so bad, today Trump had to write

事情太糟糕了，今天特朗普不得不寫道

a tell-all book about himself.

一本講述自己的書。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It is not a great scene over there.

那邊的場面並不好看。

Tonight Trump was outside Melania's door,

今晚特朗普在梅拉尼婭的門外。

whispering through the keyhole...

通過鑰匙孔竊竊私語... ...

[ As Trump ] ♪ Do you want to build a snowman? ♪

[作為特朗普] 你想建立一個雪人嗎？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But the White House is taking some precautions.

但白宮正在採取一些預防措施。

For example, the press briefing room was thoroughly sanitized.

比如，新聞發佈廳進行了徹底的消毒。

Take a look at this.

看看這個。

There you go, yep.

你去那裡，是的。

Later, that same guy was seen

後來，有人看到同一個人

spraying Diet Coke directly into Trump's mouth.

將健怡可樂直接噴到特朗普的嘴裡。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

As if all this wasn't crazy enough,

好像這一切還不夠瘋狂似的。

it now appears that the top members of the military

看來，軍方高層人士

have also been exposed to the virus.

也曾接觸過該病毒。

-All but one member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

-除一名參謀長聯席會議成員外，其他所有成員都是如此。

are now under quarantine,

現在已經被隔離了。

this after a top Coast Guard official

這是在一名海岸警衛隊高級官員

tested positive for coronavirus after visiting...

檢測出冠狀病毒陽性後，訪問... ...

the White House. -This is nuts.

白宮-這是個瘋子

Our top military leaders are working from home!

我軍高層領導在家辦公!

Right now, there's a four-star general

現在，有一個四星級的將軍

getting really into sourdough bread.

越來越多的酸麵糰麵包。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's comforting to know that, if someone were to attack,

令人欣慰的是，如果有人要攻擊。

our officials will be quickly trying to figure out

我們的官員會很快地想出

a Zoom link.

a Zoom鏈接。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Let's change gears here.

讓我們在這裡換個等級。

I saw that Apple is now involved

我看到蘋果現在參與

in a pretty interesting lawsuit. Listen to this.

在一個相當有趣的訴訟。聽聽這個。

-Apple is suing a former

-蘋果公司正在起訴一名前

recycling partner in Canada

加拿大的回收夥伴

for allegedly not doing its job.

因為據稱沒有履行其職責。

Apple claims the recycling company

蘋果稱回收公司

actually resold more than 100,000 iPhones, iPads,

實際上轉賣了10多萬部iPhone、iPad。

and Apple Watches that it was supposed to destroy.

和蘋果手錶，它應該被摧毀。

-Apple was like, "Hey! Reselling the same phone

-蘋果就像，"嘿！轉售同樣的手機。

over and over is our thing."

一遍又一遍是我們的事情。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Apparently, the recycling company

顯然，回收公司

sold some of the old phones and then kept the rest

賣掉一些舊手機，然後保留其餘的手機

in a random kitchen drawer, like everyone else.

在一個隨機的廚房抽屜裡，像其他人一樣。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"This'll be worth something someday."

"這東西總有一天會值錢的。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Listen to this. Yesterday, Governor Phil Murphy

聽聽這個。昨天，州長菲爾-墨菲

tweeted that "Halloween is ON"

在推特上說 "萬聖節開始了"

in New Jersey this year.

今年在新澤西州。

[ Laughing and scoffing ]

[笑和嘲笑]

Halloween's very special in New Jersey.

萬聖節在紐澤西很特別

It's the first time parents get to see their kids

這是父母第一次看到自己的孩子

go door-to-door making "collections."

挨家挨戶做 "收藏"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Italian accent ] This is it?

[意大利口音] 就是這個？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I'll be back for the rest tomorrow,

我明天再來休息。

and you better have it.

你最好擁有它。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Check this out. I read about a man

看看這個我讀到一個男人

who paid for a billboard

誰出錢買的廣告牌

advertising a date with him back in January.

廣告與他的日期早在一月。

And good news --

好消息是...

he now has a girlfriend.

他現在有一個女朋友。

[ Cheering and applause ] Yeah.

[歡呼和掌聲] 是啊。

[ Whistling ]

[口哨聲]

Though it got weird today when there was

雖然今天變得很奇怪，當有

a giant billboard that said...

一個巨大的廣告牌，上面寫著...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And, finally, a new study just came out that says...

最後，一項新的研究剛剛出來，說... ...

...and there's no part of their brain

...而且他們的大腦裡沒有任何部分

that can tell the difference

一清二楚

between the front and back of humans' heads.

在人類的前後腦之間。

[ Laughter ] -Hm.

[笑]嗯。

-Yes, yes, yes, these are

-是的，是的，是的，這些都是。

the scientific breakthroughs we want right now.

我們現在想要的科學突破。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]