Welcome to "The Tonight Show."

歡迎來到 "今夜秀"。

We are coming to you live right now from Studio 6A.

我們現在在6A演播室為您直播。

After the final debate between President Trump and Joe Biden,

在特朗普總統和喬-拜登的最後一場辯論之後。

and I think we can all agree the winner was Kristen Welker.

我想我們都同意獲勝者是克里斯汀-韋爾克。

I mean, come on.

我的意思是，來吧。

Knockout.

擊倒。

Home run.

全壘打。

Of course, everyone was talking about how there would be

當然，每個人都在談論如何將有。

a mute button used during tonight's debate.

今晚的辯論中使用的靜音按鈕。

It seemed like it worked pretty well.

好像效果還不錯。

I'm thinking of getting one for Thanksgiving.

我想在感恩節的時候買一個。

The muted mics really helped, though.

不過，靜音話筒真的很有用。

It thought it was much calmer.

它認為它平靜了許多。

At one point, they almost cut to

有一次，他們幾乎切到

Jeffrey Toobin to liven things up.

傑弗裡-託賓來活躍一下氣氛。

Yeah, Trump seemed much more calm.

是啊，特朗普似乎冷靜多了。

People were like, "Did they replace him

人們都說，"他們是不是把他換掉了

with his Disney robot?"

與他的迪斯尼機器人？"

For the most part, things were pretty civil

大多數情況下，事情都很文明

compared to the first debate, which was basically

與第一次辯論相比，這次辯論基本上是

a UFC fight on meth.

一場關於安非他命的終極格鬥賽

Yeah, it was a lot nicer.

是啊，這是一個更好的很多。

If the first debate was sponsored by Red Bull,

如果第一場辯論由紅牛贊助。

this one was sponsored by NyQuil.

這個是由NyQuil贊助的。

Everyone was impressed by Trump not interrupting or yelling.

大家對特朗普不插話、不吼叫印象深刻。

I'm not sure it's a great sign that we talk about the president

我不知道這是一個偉大的跡象，我們談論總統。

like we talk about a 4-year-old at a puppet show, but...

就像我們在木偶戲裡談論一個4歲的孩子，但是... ...

"You did a great job. You really did."

"你做得很好。你真的做得很好。"

That's right -- tonight, we saw an all-new Trump.

沒錯--今晚，我們看到了一個全新的特朗普。

Instead of shouting baseless accusations, he whispered them.

他沒有大喊大叫的無端指責，而是小聲說了出來。

Trump held in his anger for so long,

特朗普憋了這麼久的怒火。

as soon as the debate was over,

辯論一結束，。

he chewed off the armrest in his limo.

他咬掉了豪華轎車的扶手。

[ Growling ]

[咆哮]

Yeah, no one seemed to get too riled up.

是啊，似乎沒人太生氣。

The only person who was really upset was Chris Wallace.

真正難過的只有克里斯-華萊士。

"Oh, that's how you do it."

"哦，你就是這樣做的。"

And this was fun.

而這很有趣。

A lot of people played drinking games during tonight's debate.

在今晚的辯論中，很多人都在玩喝酒遊戲。

If you did a shot every time Biden said "Come on,"

如果每當拜登說 "來吧 "的時候你就拍一張照片的話

you were unconscious by 9:15.

你在9: 15的時候就不省人事了。

[ Mumbling ] Come on!

[喃喃自語] 來吧！

But tonight's debate was considered a win

但今晚的辯論被認為是一場勝利

for the Trump campaign, mostly because he didn't walk in

為特朗普的競選活動，主要是因為他沒有走在。

with a highly contagious disease.

患有高度傳染性疾病。

Actually, they were supposed to have two Plexiglas barriers

事實上，他們應該有兩個有機玻璃屏障。

separating Trump and Biden, but they ultimately

將特朗普和拜登分開，但他們最終還是

decided against it.

決定反對。

So make that two more walls Trump couldn't build.

所以又多了兩堵特朗普無法修建的牆。

-Ooh!

-哦！

-Ooh! Ooh! That's the "ooh"?

-哦！這就是 "哦"？

I got the "ooh" for that one? -Ooh-ooh!

我得到了 "哦 "的那一個？-哦，哦！

-Ooh-ooh!

-哦，哦！

Before the debate -- -Ooh!

辯論前 -- -哦！

-Ooh! Oh!

-哦，哦！

That's my jam. That's what I do.

這是我的果醬。這就是我的工作。

I come out, and everyone goes, "Ooh!

我出來後，每個人都會說："哦!

Jimmy, don't hurt 'em."

吉米，不要傷害他們。"

Before the debate, it was announced

辯論前宣佈

that Joe Biden tested negative for coronavirus.

喬-拜登的冠狀病毒檢測呈陰性。

Meanwhile, Trump is on so many steroids,

同時，特朗普還服用了那麼多類固醇。

he tested positive for Lance Armstrong.

他對蘭斯-阿姆斯特朗的測試呈陽性。

Heading into tonight, anywhere between 2% and 8% of Americans

進入今晚，2%到8%的美國人，都會有這樣的想法

were still undecided.

仍未決定。

I just want to say if, after tonight, you're still undecided,

我只想說，如果今晚過後，你還沒有決定，

then, well, we couldn't pick a joke for this one,

然後，好了，我們不能選擇一個笑話，這一個。

but we'll figure it out in a week.

但我們會在一週內想出辦法的。

Tonight's debate had six topics -- fighting COVID-19,

今晚的辯論有6個主題--打COVID-19。

national security, American families,

國家安全，美國家庭。

race in America, climate change, and whether Rudy Giuliani

美國的種族、氣候變化以及魯迪-朱利安尼是否是

was actually tucking in his shirt.

其實是在塞進他的襯衫。

But after a slow start, Trump made a lot of accusations

但在緩慢的開始後，特朗普提出了很多指責意見

about Biden and his family, so Joe tried to turn

關於拜登和他的家人，所以喬試圖把。

the conversation to the families watching at home.

的談話，對在家觀看的家人。

-There's a very strong e-mail talking about

-有一封非常強烈的電子郵件，談到了...

your family wanting to make $10 million a year.

你的家庭想要年賺1000萬。

-He doesn't want to talk about the substantive issues.

-他不想談實質性的問題。

It's not about his family and my family.

這與他的家人和我的家人無關。

It about your family.

是關於你的家庭。

But that's the last thing he wants to talk about.

但這是他最不想談的事情。

Trump was like, "Trust me --

特朗普就說："相信我--。

in our household, it's never been about my family."

在我們家，從來都是我的家庭。"

After Trump accused Biden of wanting to destroy

在特朗普指責拜登要毀掉。

Social Security and Medicare, Biden pointed out that

社會保障和醫療保險，拜登指出。

Trump might have the wrong guy.

特朗普可能找錯人了。

-Very confused guy.

-非常困惑的傢伙。

He thinks he's running against somebody else.

他認為他是在和別人競爭。

He's running against Joe Biden.

他的對手是喬-拜登

I beat all those other people

我打敗了所有的人

because I disagreed with them.

因為我不同意他們的觀點。

Joe Biden he's running against.

他的對手是喬-拜登

-Whoa! Biden was fired up. Trump was like, "Wow.

-哇！拜登被激怒了特朗普當時就說："哇。

Give me whatever steroids he's on."

把他用的什麼類固醇給我。"

Later, Kristen Welker asked if Trump's language

隨後，克里斯汀-韋爾克問道，特朗普的語言是否?

was contributing to a climate of hate in our country.

是助長了我們國家的仇恨氣氛。

Check out what he had to say.

看看他是怎麼說的。

-I am the least-racist person in this room.

-我是這個房間裡最沒有種族歧視的人。

I can't even see the audience because it's so dark,

因為太黑了，我甚至看不到觀眾。

but I don't care who's in the audience.

但我不在乎誰是在觀眾。

I'm the least-racist person in this room.

我是這個房間裡最沒有種族歧視的人。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Then, instead of the mute button,

-然後，代替靜音按鈕。

someone hit the laugh track.

有人打笑軌。

It's a little weird to say,

說起來有點奇怪。

"I'm the least-racist person in the room"

"我是房間裡最沒有種族歧視的人"

when half the room are your friends and family.

當一半的房間是你的朋友和家人。

It's like, "He's more racist than I am."

這就像，"他比我更種族主義。"

But since this was the last debate,

但由於這是最後一次辯論。

both candidates wanted to make their closing arguments

兩位候選人都想做總結陳詞

to the American people.

對美國人民來說。

Let take a look at one of Trump's closing arguments now.

我們現在就來看看特朗普的一個結案陳詞。

♪♪

♪♪

-I know more about wind than you do.

-我比你更瞭解風.

It's extremely expensive.

這是非常昂貴的。

It kills all the birds.

它殺死了所有的鳥。

♪♪

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-What?

-什麼？

Actually, that's not all.

其實，這還不是全部。

Trump has been making closing arguments all week.

特朗普整個星期都在做結案陳詞。

Here's another one.

這裡還有一個。

♪♪

♪♪

-This was caused by Russia.

-這是由俄羅斯造成的。

Russia.

俄羅斯。

♪♪

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-He's really trying to get the word out.

-他真的很想把話說出去。

Let's see another closing argument from Trump.

讓我們看看特朗普的另一個結束語。

♪♪

♪♪

-COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID.

-COVID，COVID，COVID，COVID，COVID，COVID。

[ Crowd boos ] COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID.

[人群噓聲] COVID，COVID，COVID，COVID。

♪♪

♪♪

-Do we have any more closing arguments from Trump?

-我們還有特朗普的結案陳詞嗎？

♪♪ -Oh, my gosh.

哦，我的天哪。

-And with us, as well, are members of the incredible

-和我們在一起的，還有不可思議的成員們。

Lumbee...Keetoowah...tribes.

Lumbee...Keetoowah...部落。

Lumbee Keetoowah.

Lumbee Keetoowah.

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh, come on. Okay.

-哦，來吧。哦，來吧。

Alright, just one more. One more.

好吧，再來一個再來一個

♪♪

♪♪

-"What kind of ice cream are you eating?"

-"你吃的是什麼冰激凌？"

"Uh, chocolate."

"呃，巧克力。"

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh, my goodness.

-哦，我的天啊

Unbelievable.

難以置信

Well, Trump had a busy day.

嗯，特朗普今天很忙。

After walking out of yesterday's interview with "60 Minutes,"

在走出昨天的 "60分鐘 "採訪後，。

today, he decided to post the footage early.

今天，他決定提前發佈這段錄像。

I guess he thought it would help him look better,

我猜他認為這能讓他看起來更好。

but I'm not really sure why.

但我真的不知道為什麼。

Watch this.

看這個。

-No, I'm not.

-不，我沒有

Well, I'm gonna be fair.

好吧，我會很公平的。

You don't ask Biden tough questions.

你不會問拜登刁鑽的問題。

Huh? It's terrible. It's terrible.

咦？這是可怕的。這是可怕的。

"Are you ready for tough questions?"

"你準備好接受棘手的問題了嗎？"

That's no way to talk.

這不是說話的方式。

I think we have enough of an interview here.

我想我們的採訪已經夠多了。

Okay? That's enough. Let's go.

好嗎？夠了，我們走吧 That's enough.我們走吧。

-He's the most powerful man in the world,

-他是世界上最有權力的人。

and he spends his time making bootleg episodes

他把時間花在了製作盜版劇集上。

of "60 Minutes."

的 "60分鐘"。

Trump tried to embarrass Lesley Stahl by leaking a video

特朗普試圖通過洩露視頻讓萊斯利-斯塔爾難堪。

of her asking tough questions.

她問的問題很尖銳

Isn't that her job?

那不是她的工作嗎？

Next, he's gonna embarrass Bobby Flay

接下來，他要讓鮑比-弗萊難堪了

by leaking videos of him making paella.

通過洩露他做海鮮飯的視頻。

[ As Trump ] You just got served, Bobby.

你剛剛被送上了餐桌，鮑比。

[ Normal voice ] Also, did you see him

[正常聲音] 還有，你看到他了嗎？

drink the water with two hands?

用兩隻手喝水？

I'm just glad he's back to full strength.

我只是很高興他恢復了全部實力。

Aren't you happy?

你不高興嗎？

How... [ Applause ]

如何...[掌聲]

How is he still drinking water with two hands?

他怎麼還用兩隻手喝水？

He's like, "Joe Biden is weak.

他說："喬-拜登很弱。

[ Slurps ]

[Slurps]

He doesn't have the physical stamina to be president.

他沒有當總統的體力。

[ Slurps ]

[Slurps]

Very, very poor health, Joe Biden."

非常、非常糟糕的健康狀況，喬-拜登。"

But this is interesting.

但這很有趣。

Before tonight's debate, they announced

在今晚的辯論之前，他們宣佈

a record-breaking number of people have already voted --

創紀錄的人數已經投票----。

nearly 48 million.

近4800萬。

I guess that explains...

我想這能解釋...

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

I guess that explains why, three hours ago,

我想這就解釋了為什麼，三小時前。

48 million people tuned into Netflix.

4800萬人收看了網易新聞。

Asked when they made up their mind,

問他們何時下定決心？

early voters were like, "March 2020."

早期的選民就像，"2020年3月"。

You know Trump is thinking, "Wow.

你知道特朗普在想，"哇。

48 million people couldn't wait to re-elect me."

4800萬人民迫不及待地想讓我連任。"

It makes sense that so many people were able to do it.

這麼多人能夠做到這一點，是有道理的。

Voting is the only plan we've had

投票是我們唯一的計劃。

on our calendars in seven months.

七個月後在我們的日曆上。

This actually could be something.

這其實可能是什麼。

Apparently, NASA has a big announcement.

顯然，美國宇航局有一個重要的公告。

Listen to this.

聽聽這個。

-Apparently, NASA's made an exciting new discovery

-顯然，美國宇航局有了一個激動人心的新發現。

about the moon.

關於月球。

There is a huge announcement coming from NASA,

美國宇航局將發佈一個重大消息。

but we have to wait until Monday.

但我們必須等到週一。

-NASA, you know I love you, but come on.

-美國宇航局，你知道我愛你，但別這樣。

We're living through a pandemic.

我們正生活在一場大流行中。

The last thing we need right now is a cliffhanger about the moon.

我們現在需要的最後一件事是關於月球的懸崖峭壁。

Just tell us.

告訴我們吧

That's like Dr. Fauci saying, "I have some exciting news

這就像Fauci博士說："我有一些令人振奮的消息

about the virus that I'll tell you...

關於病毒，我會告訴你... ...

right after the break."

就在休息之後。"

It's 2020, so part of me is definitely worried

現在是2020年，所以我的一部分肯定是擔心的

that we're about to find out that the moon

我們將發現，月球上。

once partied with Jeffrey Epstein.

曾經和Jeffrey Epstein一起狂歡過

Americans were like, "Unless it's gonna 'splode,

美國人說，"除非它是要去'爆炸'，

we do not a-care."

我們不關心。"

Some sports news.

一些體育新聞。

The NFL just announced that if games keep getting pushed back

NFL剛剛宣佈，如果比賽一直被推後的話

because of COVID, it could affect

因為COVID，它可能會影響

when the season actually ends.

當賽季真正結束的時候。

-The NFL acknowledged yesterday the Super Bowl

-昨日NFL承認超級碗

could be moved to March if games keep having to be postponed.

如果比賽一直要延後的話，可能會被移到3月份。

-Yeah, the NFL told all the players

-是的，NFL告訴所有的球員們...

to keep their schedules open, except the Jets.

以保持他們的時間表開放，除了噴氣機隊。

They can start making other plans.

他們可以開始制定其他計劃。

That's right -- the NFL said the decision

沒錯--NFL表示，這個決定。

will be made by league officials, medical experts,

將由聯盟官員、醫學專家。

and Patrick Mahomes.

和Patrick Mahomes。

"Yeah, I suppose that time works for me. Yeah."

"是啊，我想那個時間適合我。"是啊，我想那個時間對我有用。"

Honestly, I don't care.

老實說，我不在乎。

I lost interest in the NFL once they cancelled the Pro Bowl.

他們取消了職業碗後，我就對NFL失去了興趣。

I mean, why even have a season, right, guys?

我的意思是，為什麼還要有一個賽季，對吧，夥計們？

And, finally, a bank in California had a break-in,

最後，加州的一家銀行也發生了闖入事件。

but the thieves aren't exactly who you'd expect.

但小偷並不完全是你所期望的人。

Watch this.

看這個。

-Two masked bandits broke into a California bank Tuesday,

-兩名蒙面匪徒週二闖入加州一家銀行。

but they didn't get away with any cash.

但他們並沒有帶著任何現金離開。

Check out the culprits.

檢查出罪魁禍首。

Yeah, they're not bank robbers, but a couple of raccoons.

是的，他們不是銀行搶劫犯，而是幾隻浣熊。

-Yeah. Police were like, "Aww,"

-是啊。警察就像，"啊，"

until they realized one raccoon was wanted for triple homicide.

直到他們意識到一隻浣熊被通緝為三起殺人案。

Meanwhile, another raccoon was outside

與此同時，另一隻浣熊在外面

hacking into the security system.

侵入安全系統。

"I just need three more seconds, and -- Yeah, we're in."

"我只需要再等三秒鐘，然後... ...是的，我們進去了。"

Yep, they're the only ones to ever break into a bank like,

是的，他們是唯一一個像這樣闖入銀行的人。

"Just give us all the trash, and no one gets hurt"

"只要把垃圾都給我們，就不會有人受傷"

We have a great show tonight.

我們今晚有一場精彩的演出。

Thank you for watching. We're live here.

謝謝你的觀看。我們在這裡直播。

Give it up for The Roots.

放棄吧，為了 "根"。