Tune up Theo video podcast to help you improve your business writing.

調整西奧視頻播客，幫助你提高業務寫作水平。

Today we'll be looking at an email from Jimmy, who is the training officer for his company.

今天我們要看的是Jimmy的一封郵件，他是公司的培訓官。

Jimmy wants to notify the various department heads oven upcoming seminar their staff will be attending.

吉米想通知各部門負責人，他們的員工即將參加的研討會。

He also wants them toe, have their staff complete and return some questionnaires and to provide topics and time slots so they could be scheduled within the seminar.

他還希望他們e，讓他們的員工填寫並返回一些調查問卷，並提供主題和時間段，以便他們可以在研討會上安排。

The term time slots means specific plan times when something happens.

所謂時間段，就是指事情發生時的具體計劃時間。

For example, your favorite television program may be in the nine o'clock time slot, meaning you watch it at 90 clock.

例如，你最喜歡的電視節目可能在九點鐘的時間段，也就是說你在90點鐘的時候看。

Before we look at the mechanics, style and tone of this email, let's consider who's writing and who's receiving it.

在看這封郵件的機制、風格和語氣之前，我們先考慮一下誰在寫，誰在收。

Jimmy is in the training department, and he's contacting the heads of different departments within the company.

吉米是培訓部的，他正在聯繫公司內部不同部門的負責人。

So it's an internal email, which means it's a bit more informal than something being sent outside the company.

所以這是一封內部郵件，這意味著它比公司外部發送的東西更非正式。

However, it's being sent to managers at a higher rank than Jimmy's, so the tone must be respectful and not too chatty or informal.

不過，這封信是發給比吉米級別更高的經理的，所以語氣一定要恭敬，不能太哈拉，也不能太隨便。

All right, let's start with the mechanics, the grammar, punctuation and formatting of the email.

好吧，讓我們從機制、文法、標點符號和電子郵件的格式開始。

As always, we start with the subject line.

一如既往，我們從主題行開始。

The phrase seminar account procedures is confusing.

研討戶口程序這句話很混亂。

Does it mean the procedures for seminar account?

是指辦理研討生戶口的手續嗎？

That doesn't make sense, either.

這也說不通啊。

We need the proposition on to make it clear what Jimmy's trying to communicate.

我們需要在命題上明確吉米想表達的意思。

Next we move to the salutation or greeting the comma after Hello is unnecessary.

接下來我們進入敬語或問候語，Hello後面的逗號就沒有必要了。

So let's get rid of it.

所以，讓我們擺脫它。

That brings us to the first paragraph of Jimmy's email again.

這又讓我們看到了吉米郵件的第一段。

We need to add the proposition on in the first sentence, but otherwise it's very clear.

我們需要在第一句話中加入命題on，但除此之外，它是非常清晰的。

Let's look at the second paragraph.

我們來看第二段。

The first problem is that Jimmy uses the term enclosure to refer to his questionnaires.

第一個問題是Jimmy用enclosure這個詞來指代他的問卷。

But this is not a letter in an envelope with other papers enclosed.

但這不是一封裝在信封裡的信，裡面還夾著其他文件。

It's an Elektronik letter, an email.

這是一封Elektronik的信，一封郵件。

So the correct term is attachment.

所以正確的說法是依附。

Plus, they aren't being delivered.

另外，他們沒有被送來。

They're attached to the email.

它們附在郵件中。

We'll rewrite this as now questionnaires are attached, Jimmy sentence continues, and I would like them to be distributed to your staff.

我們重寫一下，因為現在問卷是附在後面的，吉米句子繼續說，我想把它們分發給你的員工。

Well, actually, everything in the email is telling the readers what Jimmy would like.

好吧，其實，郵件中的一切都在告訴讀者，吉米會喜歡什麼。

So that's an unnecessary phrase.

所以這是一句多餘的話。

Let's change it to Should be.

我們把它改成應該是。

But wait, there's a step missing.

但是，等等，還少了一步。

Remember the questionnaires attached to the email?

還記得郵件中附帶的問卷調查嗎？

So at this point, it's just a lot of computer code before it can be distributed.

所以此時，只是大量的計算機代碼才能分發。

It needs to be printed.

它需要打印。

So let's add that word before distributed with the connector, and that's better.

所以我們在分佈式之前加上這個詞，用連接器，這樣更好。

The second sentence is fine, except that we really don't need to repeat the year 2000 and nine.

第二句話很好，只是我們真的不需要重複2000年和9。

So let's just cut it moving on to the third paragraph.

所以我們還是切入到第三段吧。

We're missing some articles and pronouns in the first sentence, so we'll add the before seminar and you're before preferred topics.

我們第一句話中少了一些文章和代詞，所以我們要在研討會之前加上，你在首選話題之前。

We're also missing a proposition instead of given us, it should read given to us.

我們還缺少一個命題，而不是給我們，應該是給我們。

Another problem is that Jimmy repeats the seminar three times within the same sentence, which is definitely too many.

另一個問題是，Jimmy在同一句話內重複了三次研討會，這絕對是太多了。

We need the first the seminar because it's linked to topics and time slots.

我們需要第一個研討會，因為它與主題和時間段掛鉤。

We can leave before the seminar as it is, or we could change it to beforehand.

我們可以在研討會前原封不動地離開，也可以改成事前。

It's the third one that's too much.

是第三個太過分了。

So let's just use the pronoun it instead.

所以我們就用它這個代詞來代替。

That leaves us with the final word in the paragraph schemed.

這就剩下最後一個詞在段中示意了。

This word scheme has different meanings in different countries.

這個詞組在不同國家有不同的含義。

In Britain, it simply means ah plan But in America it means a dishonest or even criminal plan, So it would be better to change it to a safer word like scheduled that takes us to the last two sentences.

在英國，它的意思只是啊計劃，但在美國，它的意思是一個不誠實的甚至是犯罪的計劃，所以最好改成一個更安全的詞，比如預定，帶我們到最後兩句。

Thanking the department heads is fine, but welcome to your attend is not even a complete sentence and isn't very clear.

感謝部門上司是可以的，但歡迎你的出席連一句完整的話都沒有，也不是很清楚。

What Jimmy is probably trying to say is something like, We welcome your attendance.

吉米可能想說的是，我們歡迎你的光臨。

But wait, something's missing.

但是，等等，少了點什麼。

There's no good by your name.

你的名字沒有什麼好處。

Since Jimmy is writing to people at a higher level, he can't use phrases like See you or take care.

由於吉米是給更高層次的人寫信，所以他不能使用See you或take care這樣的短語。

This email requires something a bit more formal.

這封郵件需要更正式一點。

There are many possibilities, but let's just use best regards.

有很多可能性，但我們還是用最好的問候吧。

Jimmy, let's move on to the style of the email.

吉米，我們繼續說說郵件的風格。

Remember, this is business email, So hello, everybody isn't really appropriate.

記住，這是商業郵件，所以你好，大家都不合適。

Let's change it.

讓我們改變它。

To dear colleagues, the first paragraph is fine, so let's move on to the second one.

對親愛的同事們，第一段沒問題，那就接著說第二段吧。

The first sentence starts with the word now to talk about the attached questionnaires, but that's not necessary.

第一句話的開頭是用現在這個詞來談附送的問卷，但這沒有必要。

So will cut it.

所以會砍掉它。

Then we can make attached an adjective by moving it before questionnaires and adding the article.

那麼我們就可以把附詞變成形容詞，把它移到問句之前，再加上文章。

The this gives us the shorter sentence.

這就給了我們更短的句子。

The attached questionnaires should be printed and distributed to your staff.

應將所附的調查表打印出來，分發給你的員工。

Jimmy then goes on to ask the managers toe, have the questionnaires completed and delivered before December 10th, but Jimmy doesn't say where or to whom they should be delivered.

吉米接著要求經理們注意，要在12月10日之前完成問卷調查並送達，但吉米並沒有說應該把問卷送到哪裡，送到誰的手中。

Let's clarify that will change.

讓我們來說明一下，將改變。

Delivered to returned to my office.

送到還我辦公室。

The third paragraph of Jimmy's email needs to be made much clearer.

吉米郵件的第三段需要說得更清楚。

The sentence fragment enclosed details doesn't tell us anything, so let's delete it.

句子片段所附的細節並不能說明什麼，所以我們刪掉它。

A bigger problem is that details can't want anything, so we can't say details would like to be given to us instead.

更大的問題是，細節什麼都不能要，所以我們不能說細節想給我們代替。

Will change would like to.

會改變想。

To the motel word should finally be given to us is usually used when people are meeting face to face.

對汽車旅館這個詞終於要給我們了，通常是在人們面對面見面時使用。

Considering that Jimmy is writing to managers throughout the company, Ah, meeting may not be possible before the seminar, so a better verb would be sent.

考慮到Jimmy是給全公司的經理們寫信，啊，研討會之前可能無法開會，所以會發一個更好的動詞。

That all sounds much clearer, but in case it isn't, let's add a sentence at the end.

這一切聽起來要清楚得多，但為了防止不清楚，我們在最後加一句。

Please let us know if you have any questions.

如果您有任何疑問，請告訴我們。

Lastly, the final paragraph isn't quite right.

最後，最後一段不太對。

It almost seems like Jimmy is asking if the managers will attend when he says he would welcome your attendance.

當吉米說歡迎你們參加時，他幾乎像是在問經理們是否會參加。

It would be better if he assumed they will attend.

如果他假設他們會參加，那就更好了。

So let's change that phrase to we look forward to seeing you there.

所以我們把這句話改成我們期待在那裡見到你。

The last thing we need to do is to consider the tone of the email.

最後我們需要做的是考慮郵件的語氣。

Remember, Jimmy is talking to people at a higher level.

記住，Jimmy是在和更高層次的人說話。

Plus, he's asking them for help with the questionnaires, so he needs to be courteous, respectful and not too informal.

另外，他是請他們幫忙做問卷調查，所以他要有禮貌，要尊重他們，不能太不拘小節。

Let's look for places where we can soften his language a bit.

讓我們找找哪裡可以讓他的語言更柔和一些。

Here's one.

這裡有一個。

In the second paragraph, he writes about the questionnaires.

在第二段中，他寫了問卷調查。

They should be completed and returned to my office before December 10th.

它們應在12月10日前完成並返回我的辦公室。

That sounds more like a command than a request.

這聽起來更像是命令而不是請求。

So let's add, I would be grateful if you to the beginning will remove.

所以，讓我們補充一下，如果你對開始將刪除，我會很感激。

They should be and add the motel could That's better, but we need to change the tents from past to present.

他們應該是，並添加汽車旅館可以 這是更好的，但我們需要改變 從過去到現在的帳篷。

Whenever we use one of these second conditional phrases, the third paragraph is pretty good, but let's make it a bit more courteous after the words scheduled at the end of the first sentence.

每當我們使用其中的一個第二個條件短語時，第三段就相當不錯了，但我們在第一句話末尾的預定詞後，讓它變得更有禮貌一些。

Let's add at the most convenient time and on second thought, let's remove that please let us know if you have any questions.

讓我們在最方便的時候添加，再一想，還是刪除吧，有什麼問題請告訴我們。

It's really not necessary, after all, and might even sound a bit condescending.

畢竟這真的沒有必要，甚至可能聽起來有些委屈。

Finally, at the end of the email, we have thank you very much, which is perhaps a bit excessive.

最後，在郵件的最後，我們有非常感謝您，這可能有點過分。

Let's substitute um, or standard business English phrase.

我們用嗯，或者標準的商務英語短語來代替。

I appreciate your assistance in this matter.

我感謝你對此事的協助。

We can then combine the two sentences into one by adding the connector and and by eliminating the pronoun we.

然後，我們可以通過添加連接詞and和去掉代詞we，將兩個句子合二為一。

This makes the email more personal because now Jimmy is using the pronoun I that starts the sentence as the invisible second pronoun before, look forward to seeing you there.

這使得郵件更加個人化，因為現在Jimmy用的是句子開頭的代詞I，作為前面看不見的第二代詞，期待在那裡見到你。

Let's review our changes.

讓我們回顧一下我們的變化。

We've clarified Jimmy's meaning, and we've created a sequence of tasks for the department managers to do regarding the questionnaires.

我們已經明確了Jimmy的意思，我們已經為部門經理建立了一個關於問卷調查的任務序列。

We've explained how the managers should schedule their topics and time slot for the seminar, and we've made sure that the language is appropriate for an internal email going to people on a higher level while asking for their help and support.

我們已經說明了經理們應該如何安排研討會的主題和時間段，我們已經確保了語言適合內部郵件發給上級人員，同時請求他們的幫助和支持。