I appreciate it, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome.

我很感激，大家。歡迎，歡迎，歡迎。

Let's get to the news and jokes.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, the big news today is that President Trump

好了，夥計們，今天的重大新聞是，特朗普總統

has been released from Walter Reed hospital.

已從沃爾特里德醫院出院。

Here's a message from his doctor earlier today.

這是他的醫生今天早些時候發來的消息。

-He's met or exceeded all standard

-他達到或超過了所有的標準。

hospital discharge criteria.

出院標準；

He'll receive another dose of Remdesivir here today,

他今天會在這裡接受另一劑雷德西韋的治療。

and then we plan to get him home.

然後我們計劃讓他回家。

Though he may not entirely be out of the woods yet,

雖然他可能還沒有完全走出困境。

the team and I agree that all our evaluations,

我和團隊一致認為，我們所有的評價。

and, most importantly, his clinical status

而且，最重要的是，他的臨床狀態

support the president's safe return home.

支持總統安全回國。

-Yep. Good news?

-是的是的 - 好消息？

It's safe for the president to return home,

總統可以安全回家了。

mostly because everyone at The White House

主要是因為白宮的每個人

already has the virus.

已經有了病毒。

When she heard he was coming home,

當她聽說他要回家的時候。

Melania immediately checked herself into Walter Reed.

梅拉尼婭立即把自己送進了沃爾特-裡德醫院。

But this was nice.

但這很好。

The staff went all out to welcome Trump home.

工作人員全力以赴歡迎特朗普回家。

They even hung a bunch of balloons

他們還掛了一堆氣球

that looked exactly like the coronavirus.

這看起來完全像冠狀病毒。

Yep, Trump left the hospital for two reasons.

沒錯，特朗普離開醫院有兩個原因。

One, he was feeling better.

一、他感覺好了。

Two, he didn't want to get billed for another night.

二是他不想再被計費一晚。

[ As Trump ] I know how these things work.

我知道這些東西是怎麼運作的。

[ Normal voice ] A reporter then asked about

[正常聲音]有記者接著問

Trump's mental status, like if he has any neurological symptoms

特朗普的精神狀況，比如說他是否有神經系統的症狀

or fogginess as a result of having the virus,

或因感染病毒而產生的霧氣。

and here is what the doctor had to say.

而這裡是醫生不得不說的。

-I think you have seen the videos and now the tweets,

-我想你已經看到了視頻和現在的微博。

and you'll see him shortly.

你很快就會見到他

You know, he's back, yeah.

你知道，他回來了，是的。

-The reporter was like, "Yeah, we did.

-記者說："是的，我們做到了。

That's why we're asking you."

所以我們才會問你。"

Some crazy times when you can judge the president's health

一些瘋狂的時候，你可以判斷總統的健康狀況。

from his videos and tweets.

從他的視頻和微博。

This afternoon, Trump broke the news on Twitter,

今天下午，特朗普在Twitter上透露了這一消息。

saying, "I'll be leaving the great Walter Reed Medical Center

說，"我將離開偉大的沃爾特-裡德醫療中心，"。

today at 6:30.

今天6: 30

Feeling really good. Don't be afraid of COVID.

感覺真的很好。不要害怕COVID。

Don't let it dominate your life.

不要讓它主宰你的生活。

I feel better than I did 20 years ago."

我感覺比20年前好多了。"

I'm not surprised Trump feels better than he did 20 years ago.

我並不奇怪特朗普的感覺比20年前好。

Back then, he was $800 million in debt.

當年，他負債8億。

Trump left Walter Reed today, but he actually left

特朗普今天離開了沃爾特-裡德，但他實際上已經離開了。

the hospital for a little while over the weekend. Watch.

週末在醫院待了一會兒。看著吧

-The president got in his S.U.V. and went out

-總統坐上他的S. U. V. ，然後出去了

to wave to supporters gathered outside.

以向聚集在外面的支持者揮手。

-He's there in the back seat, wearing a mask and waving.

-他在後座上，戴著面具揮手。

Others in the S.U.V. with him exposed.

其他在S.U.V.與他暴露。

Health experts say the president likely still contagious.

健康專家說，總統很可能還具有傳染性。

-Yeah, according to "The New York Times,"

-是的，根據 "紐約時報"，

Trump wanted to leave the hospital,

特朗普想離開醫院。

and doctors wanted him to stay inside,

醫生希望他留在屋裡。

so they compromised, and Trump left the hospital.

所以他們妥協了，特朗普離開了醫院。

Yeah, the Secret Service had to take Trump around

是啊，特勤局不得不帶著特朗普四處遊玩。

after 50 Uber XL drivers were like, "Hell no."

在50個Uber XL司機都說 "見鬼去吧 "之後。

What is happening?

發生什麼事了？

Trump even turned a hospital stay into chaos.

特朗普甚至把一次住院變成了混亂。

The Joker caused less trouble when he visited Gotham General.

小丑去拜訪哥譚將軍的時候，引起的麻煩比較少。

You could tell the Secret Service

你可以告訴特勤局

thought the joyride was a bad idea.

認為joyride是一個壞主意。

Right after, they went on eBay looking for a used Popemobile.

緊接著，他們就在eBay上尋找二手Popemobile。

Well, it turns out Trump's joyride

好吧，原來特朗普的兜風之旅

may have even his own family thinking

可能連自己的家人都認為

he is acting irrationally.

他的行為是不理智的。

According to sources, Don Jr. is deeply upset

據消息人士透露，小唐深感不安

by his father's decision to drive around

被他父親決定開車到處跑

and thinks Trump is acting crazy.

並認為特朗普表現得很瘋狂。

You know things have gone off the rails when Don Jr.

你知道事情已經出軌了，當小唐。

becomes the voice of reason.

成為理性的聲音。

In response, President Trump was like,

對此，特朗普總統就像。

"I'm not acting crazy,

"我沒有裝瘋賣傻。

and here's 15 all-caps tweets to prove it."

而這裡有15條全大寫的微博來證明這一點。"

Meanwhile, on Saturday night, The White House

同時，在週六晚上，白宮

released some photos to show that Trump was busy working

發佈了一些照片，顯示特朗普正忙於工作。

while he was at Walter Reed.

他在沃爾特-裡德的時候

Here is one of Trump signing a document.

這是特朗普簽署文件的一張。

Could we zoom in on that?

我們能不能把它放大？

People are saying that he's just writing his name

大家都說他只是在寫自己的名字而已。

on a blank piece of paper, but that's not true.

在一張空白的紙上，但這是不正確的。

That's not true.

這不是真的。

That's not a blank piece of paper.

這不是一張白紙。

That's just his entire plan to stop COVID.

這只是他阻止COVID的全部計劃。

It seems like a photo op, but they've really just been

看起來像是在拍照，但他們其實只是在

handing Trump blank pages to sign for the past four years.

遞給特朗普空白頁簽署過去四年。

"This is urgent, Mr. President."

"這很緊急，總統先生。"

[ As Trump ] Oh, well, then I have to sign it.

哦，那我得籤個字了

[ Normal voice ] Well, some people online are calling

[正常的聲音] 好吧，有些人在網上呼籲

the announcement ceremony for Amy Coney Barrett

艾米-科尼-巴雷特的宣佈儀式

"The Rose Garden Massacre" after it's been identified as

"玫瑰園大屠殺 "後，它被確認為。

the super-spreader event.

超級播種機事件。

Take a look.

看看吧

Yeah.

是啊。

By the way, could those seats be packed together any tighter?

對了，這些座位還能再擠緊一點嗎？

Even the C.E.O. of Southwest was like,

連西南的C.E.O.都喜歡。

"Come on, give him a little room."

"來吧，給他一點空間。"

Right after that photo, Trump was like,

就在那張照片之後，特朗普就像。

"Okay, now let's all get in a big pile."

"好了，現在讓我們都堆成一大堆吧。"

Let's change gears.

我們換個等級吧。

I saw that Coca-Cola announced that they are discontinuing

我看到可口可樂公司宣佈，他們將停產。

their coconut-water brand Zico.

其椰子水品牌Zico。

It's a big blow for all of those people who love pretending

這對那些愛裝逼的人來說，是個很大的打擊。

that they like the taste of coconut water.

他們喜歡椰子水的味道。

-Hey! Hey!

-Hey! Hey!

-Coca-Cola knew it was time to discontinue Zico

-可口可樂公司知道是時候停止使用Zico了。

because they actually did it a year ago, and no one noticed.

因為他們其實一年前就這麼做了，而且沒有人注意到。

And, finally, this is exciting.

最後，這是令人興奮的。

A pretty famous house just got put on the market.

一棟漂亮的名宅剛剛被推向市場。

Watch this.

看這個。

-The house that played a central role in the 1991 thriller

-在1991年的驚悚片中扮演核心角色的房子。

"Silence of the Lambs" is for sale

"沉默的羔羊 "正在出售

for the price of just under $300,000.

以不到30萬美元的價格。

Fans of the movie can buy the on-screen Pennsylvania home

影迷可購買銀幕上的賓夕法尼亞家園

of the fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill.

虛構的連環殺手水牛比爾的。

-Man, I know people are buying a lot of houses right now,

-夥計，我知道人們現在買了很多房子。

but you've got to draw the line somewhere, right?

但你必須在某處劃定界限，對嗎？

Yeah, Realtors say they'll be happy to give you

是啊，房地產商說他們會很樂意給你的

a tour of the front porch and nothing else.

參觀一下前廊，別無他物。