we thought we'd indulge in a very special holiday tradition and read a Christmas tale.

我們認為我們會沉迷於一個非常特殊的節日傳統。

This one's slightly updated.

並讀了一個聖誕故事。

It's called "'Twas a While Before Christmas."

這個稍有更新。

And, well, as you'll see,

它的名字叫 "聖誕前的一段時間"。

it's been updated for our current circumstances.

而且，你會看到的。

Here we go. Gather round, kids.

它已經更新為我們目前的情況。

'Twas a while before Christmas, perhaps a bit longer,

我們走吧聚集在一起，孩子們。

I just traded my Lexapro for something much stronger.

在聖誕節前一段時間，也許是更長的時間。

Our children are feral, their bedtime's whenever,

我剛剛把我的Lexapro換成了更強的東西。

we're wiping down Postmates delivered by Trevor.

我們的孩子是野性的，他們的睡覺時間是什麼時候。

The stockings were hung on the Peloton with care.

我們正在擦拭特雷弗送來的 "郵差"。

I know what you're thinking, but we use it, I swear.

絲襪被小心翼翼地掛在了佩洛頓上。

The West Coast was burning, and the politics were mean,

我知道你在想什麼，但我們用它，我發誓。

the maskless rose up and spread COVID-19.

西海岸正在燃燒，政治也很刻薄。

We marched, and held signs, and made calls to our reps.

無面具起，傳播COVID-19。

We all joined Antifa just to get in our steps.

我們遊行，舉著牌子，給我們的代表打電話。

We clung to our TV sets, bingeing with shame,

我們都加入了反法組織，只是為了得到我們的步履。

from each streaming service.

我們抱著電視機，羞愧地狂歡。

We all know their names:

從每個流媒體服務。

On Netflix.

我們都知道他們的名字。

On Hulu. On Amazon Prime.

在Netflix上。

Should I sign up for Quibi?

在Hulu上。在Amazon Prime上。

You know what, I'm fine.

要不要報名參加魁北克？

When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,

你知道嗎，我很好。

contact-free pizza, so I could get fatter.

當在外面的草坪上，出現了這樣的響聲。

Away to the window, I flew like a flash.

免接觸披薩，所以我可以變得更胖。

"Leave it on the porch, take your tip, yes, it's cash."

一路向窗外飛去，我像一個閃電。

Instead, there stood Santa, who was looking quite round.

"放在門廊上，拿著你的小費，對，是現金。"

But listen, who hasn't packed on a few pounds?

而站在那裡的是聖誕老人，他看起來很圓潤。

I went in for a hug and he shunned my advances.

但是，聽著，誰沒有收拾過幾磅？

He said, "Sorry, bud, but I can't take any chances."

我去擁抱他，他迴避了我的求愛。

Then he left in a flurry of anti-bac spray,

他說："對不起，老兄，但我不能冒任何風險。"

some N-95s where the cookies once lay.

然後，他就一溜煙地離開了。

He yelled, "Everything's canceled, thanks to COVID-19.

一些N-95的餅乾曾經躺在那裡。

I'll be back next year, if we have a vaccine."

他大喊："一切都取消了，多虧了COVID-19。

I stared at the clouds with a glimmer of hope.

如果我們有疫苗的話，明年我還會回來的。"

My CNN news alert replied and said, "Nope."

我帶著一絲希望盯著雲彩。

I dropped to my knees, wagging fist to the sky,

我的CNN新聞提醒回覆說，"沒有"。

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good cry."

我跪在地上，對著天空揮舞著拳頭。

That's just lovely.

"祝大家聖誕快樂，祝大家哭得開心。"

Anyway- (Andy laughs)

這只是可愛。

Thanks a lot, Dad.

總之--（安迪笑）

No problem.

謝謝你，爸爸。

That's gonna kill at the office Christmas party.

沒問題。

(Andy laughs)

那會在辦公室的聖誕派對上大殺四方的。

That's yours to keep.

（Andy笑）