Hello.

你好啊

So I have a New York film coming out tomorrow.

所以，我明天有一部紐約的電影要上映。

It's called when I wanted to die.

這叫我想死的時候。

Um, it's, uh, something I made earlier this year.

嗯，這是，呃，我今年早些時候做的東西。

About February?

關於二月？

Yes.

是的，我知道

So it's eight months old, So anything that old in the YouTube world, you're like, Yeah, I hate it.

所以，這是八個月前，所以任何東西，老 在YouTube的世界，你喜歡，是啊，我討厭它。

Um, but there is one thing that I don't talk about in that video that I think is really important to address.

嗯，但有一件事，我沒有談 在該視頻中，我認為是非常重要的解決。

So 2017 waas undeniably like the best year of my life.

所以，2017年無疑是我人生中最美好的一年waas。

I was in a relationship where I finally thought like, Oh, my God, I found my person.

我在一段關係中，我終於想，哦，我的上帝，我找到了我的人。

I'm gonna marry this person.

我要嫁給這個人。

I had amazing friendships that had cultivated after, like, years of searching for, like, my tribe and my people.

我有驚人的友誼，已經培養後，喜歡，多年的搜索，喜歡，我的部落和我的人。

And I was the lead in the executive producer of using consequences.

而我是使用後果的執行製片人的領隊。

The show I did with you to bread.

我和你一起做的節目，以麵包。

And it was like a dream come true.

而這就像一個夢想成真。

And I loved the cast, and I loved the script, and I felt like this is what I've been working towards for, like, 10 years, just like this dream job.

我喜歡這個演員，我喜歡這個劇本，我覺得這就是我一直在努力的目標，就像，10年，就像這個夢想的工作。

And so when my depression also got the worst it's ever been in my entire life Um it felt so weird.

所以當我的抑鬱症也得到了最嚴重的 它曾經在我的整個生活 嗯，感覺很奇怪。

I was like, extremely, I have everything I ever wanted.

我當時就想，極度，我有我想要的一切。

And yet for the first time, I'm now hearing voices or one voice, you know, it's it's just this one voice.

然而第一次，我現在聽到的聲音還是一個聲音，你知道，就是這一個聲音。

Was this one deep?

這個深嗎？

I would say male voice that would randomly speak up out of nowhere and say, Kill yourself And I knew I was hearing voices because it felt like it was in the room, and it felt like it was like this disembodied thing.

我會說男性的聲音，會隨機說話了無處說，並說，殺了你自己，我知道我聽到的聲音，因為它的感覺就像它在房間裡，它的感覺就像這個無形的東西。

But it was undeniably alone wherever I was whenever I heard him in the beginning, and I didn't tell anyone about it because I selfishly thought thes people care about me so much.

但不可否認的是，一開始每當我聽到他的聲音時，無論我在哪裡都是一個人，我沒有告訴任何人，因為我自私的認為這些人很在乎我。

If I tell people my depression so bad that I'm hearing a voice, I think they'll hospitalize me and I won't get to live my dream, Um, where they put me on medication and I won't be present for the dream that are the living.

如果我告訴別人我的抑鬱症嚴重到我聽到了聲音，我想他們會把我送進醫院，我就不能活在我的夢想中了，嗯，在那裡他們把我放在藥物上，我就不會出現在夢想中，是活人。

And it was so hard because it was the moment I realized like, Oh, the problem is me, like everything is going perfect in my life.

它是如此艱難，因為那一刻我意識到，哦，問題是我，就像一切都在我的生活中完美的進行。

Everything I ever wanted is happening right now, and yeah, my brain is going to decide to, like, be the most depressed it's ever been.

我想要的一切現在都發生了 是的，我的大腦會決定，像，是最鬱悶的它曾經。

And give me a fucking annoying voice that's gonna tell me these terrible things.

並給我一個他媽的煩人的聲音 會告訴我這些可怕的事情。

So the problem is me.

所以問題出在我身上。

And, um, I did not tell anybody about it for very long time.

而且，嗯，我沒有告訴任何人 關於它很長一段時間。

E So I just kept it to myself.

所以，我只是對自己保密。

Um, and towards the end of last year, I was like, you know what?

嗯，對去年年底，我很喜歡，你知道嗎？

Like I am a hypocrite.

好像我是個偽君子一樣。

If I am constantly trying to be a voice for mental health and for mental illness and at the time were like, I need help, I'm refusing to get help.

如果我不斷地試圖為心理健康和精神疾病發聲，在當時都喜歡，我需要幫助，我拒絕得到幫助。

Then I'm a hypocrite.

那我就是個偽君子。

And so I talk to my therapist about it, and he was like, Oh, have you told anyone about this?

所以我跟我的治療師說了一下，他就說，哦，你跟別人說過嗎？

And I was like, No, I'm just kind of afraid that I also I'm worried that, like depression is a glamorous, you know, like dealing with someone who's depressed is like annoying.

我當時想，不，我只是有點害怕，我也 我擔心，像抑鬱症是一個迷人的，你知道，像處理 有人誰是抑鬱症是像煩人。

Most of the time, I feel like for people around me because it's like this, this disease people don't get where you're like.

大多數時候，我覺得對於周圍的人來說，因為它是這樣的，這種疾病人們不明白你在哪裡喜歡。

No, I know I should be happy.

不，我知道我應該高興。

No, I I know that logically.

不，我我知道，在邏輯上。

I know I should be fine, but I'm not and my manifest itself in ways where I'm not like lying on the floor and more like I'm upset or I like, feel a lot of things manically or I'm like Happy one man.

我知道我應該很好，但我不是和我的表現方式，我不喜歡躺在地板上，更喜歡我不高興，或者我喜歡，感覺很多東西狂躁或我喜歡快樂的一個人。

And then I'm crying the next I'm overly sensitive.

然後接下來我就哭了，我太敏感了。

And so it's just like all over the place, mood wise.

所以它就像所有的地方，情緒上。

And so it's just that not a fun thing to live with for people who are, you know, in my life.

所以它只是，不是一個有趣的事情 生活的人誰是，你知道，在我的生活。

And he was like, You know, I feel like you really should tell the people that you love about this, Um And so I did.

他很喜歡，你知道，我覺得你真的應該 告訴人們，你愛這個，嗯，所以我做到了。

I was about to tell my boyfriend when he got back from this trip, but before I could, he broke up with me and then the friends that I had some shit happened and that kind of like got put on pause and my show didn't get renewed.

我正要告訴我的男朋友 當他從這次旅行回來， 但在我之前，他與我分手 然後朋友，我有一些狗屎發生了 那種像被放在暫停 我的節目沒有得到續約。

And it was Christmas time, which means there was no work to Dio.

而且當時是聖誕節，也就是說沒有工作給迪奧。

All my friends were out of town.

我所有的朋友都出城了

I now wasn't on this trip.

我現在不在此行。

I was supposed to go with my boyfriend and his family, and I was home all alone for like, two or three weeks, and I got into a huge fight with my mom and spent Christmas completely alone.

我本來是要去與我的男朋友 和他的家人， 我獨自在家喜歡，兩三個星期， 我得到了一個巨大的戰鬥 與我的媽媽和度過聖誕節 完全孤獨。

And I had these two or three weeks where I was totally isolated and everything I thought I had was now gone.

我有兩三個星期的時間，我完全被孤立了，我以為我擁有的一切都消失了。

And that voice just got so intense when I was by myself and for the first time, I would say, like in my life, I seriously considered very logically.

而當我自己一個人的時候，那個聲音就變得很強烈，我第一次，我想說，就像在我的生命中，我認真考慮過很有邏輯性的問題。

Okay, If I kill myself, how am I going to do it?

好吧，如果我自殺了，我怎麼做？

Um, what's gonna happen?

嗯，會發生什麼？

Having been on the other side, I know like it's gonna devastate my brother.

我一直在另一邊，我知道這是要摧毀我的兄弟。

I know my parents are gonna be upset.

我知道我的父母會不高興。

Um, kind of my friends will be hurt.

嗯，種我的朋友會受到傷害。

Who's gonna take care of my cats?

誰來照顧我的貓？

Do I need to write a will?

我需要寫遺囑嗎？

And it got really bad to where I had a plan.

然後就變得非常糟糕，我有一個計劃。

And I know from being in this space like having a plan is like a major red flag because the only next step, then, is that person to follow the plan to kill themselves.

我知道，從在這個空間 像有一個計劃 就像一個重大的危險信號 因為唯一的下一步，那麼， 是那個人按照計劃殺死自己。

And I managed to talk myself out of it and be like, No, no, no, Like, this will pass, like just, you know, don't be a hypocrite.

我設法說服自己，並像， 不，不，不，像，這將通過， 喜歡只是，你知道，不要做一個偽君子。

Like, remember everything you've ever said to people who wanted to kill themselves like it's gonna pass like, Yes, it seems like it's forever right now.

就像，記得你曾經對那些想自殺的人說過的所有話，就像會過去一樣，是的，現在看來是永遠的。

Yes, Like, fuck you're So I was just so in pain and I just felt like I had nothing and like, I was nobody.

是的，就像，他媽的你是 所以我只是在痛苦 我只是覺得我什麼都沒有 就像，我是誰。

And I wasn't worth anything at all.

而我根本不值一提。

Um e literally like I have this big white board on my wall and I wrote out, like, Do not kill yourself, like, all across it.

嗯，E從字面上看，我有這個大的白板 在我的牆上，我寫了，像， 不要殺了你自己，喜歡，所有橫跨它。

And I put it on post it notes, and I put it on my bathroom mirror.

我把它貼在便籤上，貼在浴室的鏡子上。

And like, just every day when the voice came, I would just, like, shut the fuck up.

就像，只是每天當聲音來了， 我只是一樣，他媽的閉嘴。

And so I mean, I don't wanna be hyperbolic, and I don't want to be overdramatic, but really, the short that I made that comes out tomorrow nine.

所以我的意思是，我不想誇張， 我不想過分誇張， 但真的，我做的短，出來明天9。

It's sort of what I had to live for, Um, because at that moment it felt like I didn't have anything to live for.

這也算是我不得不活的原因吧，嗯，因為在那一刻，我覺得自己沒有什麼可活的。

And I'm not gonna cry.

我不會哭的

I'm not gonna cry in a live stream.

我不會在直播中哭的。

Uh, and, uh, yeah.

呃，還有，呃，是的。

So I made the short come up when I wanted to die, and it highlights every moment.

所以我在想死的時候就做了這個短篇上來，它突出了每一個瞬間。

My life I've sort of wanted to die.

我這輩子都想死。

I mean, I pared it down, obviously.

我的意思是，我縮小了它，顯然。

Um, but yeah, it's really important to me.

嗯，但是是的，這對我來說真的很重要。

I look back on it now because it's eight months old, like the shorts eight months old.

我現在回想起來，因為它已經八個月了，就像短褲八個月了。

You're like, I could have done so many things better.

你就像，我可以做這麼多事情更好。

Like this is to cheesier like this is whatever, but no, they're doing that short is honestly, like I poured my savings into it because I was like, I just need something to do that reminds me of, like, why I'm here and, like, makes me wanna live, because this is really hard.

就像這是俗氣的像這是什麼， 但沒有，他們正在做的短是誠實的， 就像我傾注了我的積蓄，因為我很喜歡， 我只是需要做的東西，提醒我， 喜歡，為什麼我在這裡，並一樣，讓我想活下去， 因為這真的很難。

Um, and I just need to remember, like, did you to do something.

嗯，我只是需要記住， 喜歡，你做的東西。

Honestly, you just do something.

老實說，你只要做點什麼就好了。

So yeah, that's what it is.

所以，是的，就是這樣。

E really hope you like it, I hope Hope it helps some of you who are maybe going through now what I was going through, like, 89 months ago.

E真的希望你喜歡它，我希望希望它能幫助你們中的一些人，也許會通過現在我所經歷的，像89個月前。

But yeah, it's I'm on the other side of it.

但是，是的，這是我在它的另一邊。

I mean, depression is still a big old bitch, but I feel a lot better.

我的意思是，抑鬱症仍然是一個大的老婊子， 但我覺得好多了。

And I really took care of myself, at least in a way that was healthy.

而且我真的把自己照顧得很好，至少是以一種健康的方式。

And I credit that you know all the mental health education that's available online and like doing the things that you're supposed to do, Just like every single day.

我相信，你知道所有的心理 健康教育，可在網上 和喜歡做的事情，你應該做的， 就像每一天。

I'm hoping that they add up, and eventually they dio you just It takes a while to notice, But yeah.

我希望他們加起來，最終他們會把你弄死，需要一段時間才能注意到，但是是的。

Um, yeah, that's what it is.

嗯，是的，就是這樣。

Please don't kill yourself.

請不要自殺。

If you are also suicidal, just don't do it like there's a lot.

如果你也有自殺傾向，就不要做得像有很多。

There's a lot of great things to live for.

有很多偉大的事情要去生活。

And now I'm pleased to say, You know, I have a really great friends.

現在我很高興地說，你知道，我有一個非常好的朋友。

I'm still hunting for my next dream job.

我還在尋找下一份夢想的工作。

But it's all good.

但這都是好事。

And, you know, I'm single, but it's great because I got cans.

而且，你知道，我是單身， 但它的偉大，因為我得到了罐。

Um, yeah, life is a bunch of motherfucking ups and downs.

嗯，是的，生活是一堆他媽的起伏。

You just gotta write out those loans waiting to get to that next time.

你只要把那些貸款寫出來，等著下次再去寫。

Yeah.

是啊。

Okay.

好吧，我知道了

I hope you enjoy it.

我希望你喜歡它。

Have a lovely day.

祝你有愉快的一天。

Stay awesome.

帥呆了。