unfulfilling – and that tends to puzzle both outsiders and its participants; a relationship

不滿足--這往往讓外人和參與者感到困惑；這種關係

between one person who is, as psychologists put it, anxiously attached and another who

如心理學家所言，一個人和另一個人之間，一個人是焦慮地依戀，另一個人是

is avoidantly attached. There is, in such couplings, a constant game of push and pull.

是避而不談的連接。在這種聯姻中，存在著不斷的推拉遊戲。

The anxiously attached party typically complains – more or less loudly – that their partner

焦慮依戀的一方通常會抱怨--或多或少地大聲抱怨他們的伴侶。

is not responsive enough: they accuse them of being emotionally distant, withholding,

是反應不夠靈敏：他們指責他們感情疏遠，隱忍。

cold and perhaps physically uninterested too. The avoidant lover, for their part, stays

冷漠，或許身體上也不感興趣。逃避的情人，就他們而言，停留在

relatively quiet but in their more fed-up moments, complains that the anxious party

相對安靜，但在他們更厭煩的時候，抱怨著急的一方。

is far too demanding, possibly 'mad' and, as they put it pejoratively, 'needy'.

太苛刻了，可能是 "瘋了"，正如他們所說的那樣，"需要"。

One person seems to want far too much, the other far too little. Image result for william

一個人似乎想要的太多，另一個人想要的太少。威廉的形象結果

eggleston The unhappiness unfolds in a cycle. At the start, the anxious partner loves the

eggleston 不開心的事情是以循環的方式展開的。一開始，焦慮的伴侶愛的是

avoidant one with great intensity – but, in time, also growing frustration. The dissatisfaction

激烈地迴避--但是，隨著時間的推移，也越來越感到沮喪。不滿意

grows ever more intense until, eventually one day, fed up with so much seeming rejection,

愈演愈烈，直到最後有一天，厭倦了這麼多似乎的拒絕。

the anxious partner overcomes their fears, decides they need something better and tells

焦慮的伴侶克服了他們的恐懼，決定他們需要更好的東西，並告訴他們。

their lover that they're off. At which point, the avoidant party undergoes a complete seachange.

他們的夫妻，他們要離開了。這時，逃避的一方就會發生徹底的改變。

Their greatest fear, that of being engulfed in love, disappears at a stroke and reveals

他們最大的恐懼，就是被愛情吞噬，一下子消失了，露出了

something that is normally utterly submerged in their character: a fear of being abandoned.

通常完全淹沒在他們性格中的東西：害怕被拋棄。

Wholly liberated from the threat of being engulfed (the anxious one may by now have

完全從被吞噬的威脅中解脫出來（焦急的人現在可能已經被吞噬了）。

packed their bags), the avoidant one gives free reign to all their reserves of pent up

躲避的人可以自由地支配他們所有的積蓄。

romanticism and ardour – which feel utterly safe to bring out, now that there seems so

little danger of reciprocation. Despite their fury, the anxious person hears the honeyed

幾乎沒有回報的危險。儘管他們怒氣衝衝，但焦急的人還是聽到了蜜汁的。

words and forthright promises, and – after some initial doubts – can't help but be

的話語和坦率的承諾，並且--在最初的一些疑慮之後--不由自主地被

won over. The formerly distant partner appears to have become, in the nick of time, as they'd

贏得了他們的芳心。昔日疏遠的夥伴，似乎在千鈞一髮之際，變成了他們的

always wanted them to be, a warm soul. There is no reason not to return: after all, it's

一直想讓他們成為，一個溫暖的靈魂。沒有不回來的理由：畢竟，它是

not that they didn't love this person, it was the feeling they weren't loved back

不是他們不愛這個人，而是感覺他們沒有被愛回來。

that was making things impossible… For a time, there

有一陣子，有的時候，有的時候，有的時候，有的時候，有的時候，有的時候...

is bliss – and it seems that the couple are headed for long-term happiness. Liberated

是幸福的--看來這對夫妻要走向長期的幸福了。解放了

from their anxiety around engulfment, the avoidant partner gives free expression to

逃避型伴侶從他們對吞噬的焦慮中解脫出來，自由地表達了他們的情感。

love; liberated from their fear of abandonment, the anxious one is left feeling secure and

愛；從被遺棄的恐懼中解放出來，焦慮的人感到安全和。

trusting. But soon enough the problems return. Things become, as it were, too nice for the

信任。但很快問題就回來了。事情變得，因為它是，太漂亮了，因為它是。

avoidant partner. It seems the anxious one isn't going to leave them any more, they're

逃避的夥伴。看來著急的那個人不會再離開他們了，他們是

just going to stick around and seek ever greater closeness – and so the old fear of engulfment

只是要堅持下去，並尋求更多的親近 - 所以舊的恐懼吞噬 -

returns. They have no option but to start to pull away again and get distant, which

返回。他們沒有辦法，只好又開始拉開距離，變得疏遠，這就

gradually proves intolerable once again to the anxious partner. Within weeks or months,

漸漸地再次被證明是焦慮的伴侶無法忍受的。在幾周或幾個月內。

the pair are back in the same situation. Fierce arguments are back: the words needy and cold

兩人又回到了同樣的境地。激烈的爭論又來了：需要和冷漠這兩個詞。

are once more in circulation. It's time for another crisis and another threat of departure.

再度流通。又是一次危機，又是一次威脅離開的時候了。

It may go on like this for years, or a lifetime… From the outside, it is almost funny. From

可能會持續幾年，也可能會持續一輩子......從外面看，這幾乎是好笑的。從...

the inside, it is hellish. There are a few ways out: the avoidant party can realise,

內，是地獄般的存在。有幾條出路：迴避方可以意識到。

and learn to tolerate their fear of engulfment. The anxious party can grow conscious of their

並學會容忍他們對吞噬的恐懼。焦慮的一方可以逐漸意識到自己的。

unnatural pull towards unfulfilling people, refuse to go back after a crisis and seek

不自然地拉著不滿足的人，危機過後不肯回頭，尋求。

a future with more secure and reassuring sorts. Or, yet

一個更安全、更讓人放心的那種未來。或者，然而

more hopefully, both partners can acquire the vocabulary of attachment theory, come

更希望雙方能掌握依戀理論的詞彙，來。

to observe their repetitions, gain some insight into aspects of their childhoods that drive

觀察他們的重複，深入瞭解他們童年的某些方面，這也是驅動他們的原因。

them on – and learn not to act out their compulsions. They can learn the games they

並學會不表現出他們的強迫症。他們可以學習他們的遊戲

are unconsciously playing – and then, to the relief of all who care for them and to

正在無意識地玩耍--然後，讓所有關心他們的人鬆了一口氣，也讓所有關心他們的人鬆了一口氣。

the redemption of their relationship, refuse to play them any longer.

他們關係的救贖，拒絕再扮演他們。

Our book Sorrows of Love helps us handle the inevitabel sorrows of love.

我們的《愛的憂傷》一書幫助我們處理了愛情中不可避免的憂傷。

If you enjoyed our film, please subscribe to our channel and click the bell icon to turn on notifications.

如果您喜歡我們的影片，請訂閱我們的頻道，點擊鈴鐺圖標打開通知。