It's war, it's emotional, it's difficult.

這是戰爭，這是情感，這是困難。

You're getting used to new people.

你已經習慣了新的人。

Stepfamilies are born of loss.

繼家是在失去中誕生的。

Coming together and making a blended family work

攜手共進，讓混合家庭發揮作用

and crossing that divide into making it successful

並跨越這一鴻溝，使之成功

is quite tricky.

是相當棘手的。

So you've met your partner, you're really happy, you're moving on,

所以你遇到了你的伴侶，你真的很高興，你要繼續前進。

you're maybe moving in together - things are going to be great.

你們也許會搬到一起住，事情會變得很好。

Or are they?

還是他們？

Don't expect it to be perfect,

不要指望它是完美的。

don't expect the children to love you immediately.

不要指望孩子們會馬上愛你。

The children have had losses.

孩子們都有損失。

The children need to mourn what used to be their family

孩子們需要哀悼他們曾經的家庭。

and things have changed.

而事情已經發生了變化。

Everything's moving about and shifting

所有的東西都在移動，都在變化

so give everybody time to do that.

所以給大家時間去做。

They will do so at their own pace.

他們會按照自己的節奏來做。

Don't expect them to be where you are with your partner

別指望他們會和你的伴侶在一起

recognising it takes, probably four years

認識到這需要，可能需要四年時間

as the average, for a stepfamily to form.

作為平均水平，對於一個繼父家庭的形成。

So don't rush things.

所以不要急於求成。

You might have been together two or three years

你們可能已經在一起兩三年了

but you're still on a journey.

但你還在旅途中。

You may go into the stepfamily as a stepparent

你可以以繼父繼母的身份進入繼父繼母的家庭。

and assume you're going to be something.

並假設你要成為什麼。

Maybe it's a surrogate mother. Maybe you want to be the bonus mother.

也許是代孕媽媽。也許你想當紅娘。

Or maybe you want to be nothing at all to those stepchildren

或者你想對那些繼子來說，什麼都不是。

but also you're dealing with the children's expectations of you.

但同時你也要面對孩子對你的期望。

If I ask you what a mum is supposed to do or a dad,

如果我問你一個媽媽應該做什麼，或者一個爸爸應該做什麼。

a biological mum or dad, most people have a great idea - we all know.

親生爸爸媽媽，大多數人都有一個很好的想法--我們都知道。

But if I ask the same people, "What's a stepmum, what's a stepdad?"

但如果我問同樣的人，"什麼是後媽，什麼是後爸？"

I'd probably get different answers.

我可能會得到不同的答案。

My own research found that

我自己的研究發現

stepmum's have significantly higher anxiety than biological mums.

繼母的焦慮程度明顯高於生母。

This confusion with role,

這種與角色的混淆。

not knowing what they were supposed to do.

不知道他們應該做什麼。

Were they supposed to take more control in the house?

他們是不是應該在家裡多控制一下？

Were they supposed to be more integrated with the children?

他們是不是應該和孩子們更加融合？

Leave the children to the biological parent?

把孩子交給親生父母？

Think about what you're comfortable doing.

想一想你做什麼都很舒服。

Are you comfortable spending more time with the children?

你是否願意多花時間陪伴孩子？

The important thing is to talk to your partner.

最重要的是要和你的伴侶談談。

Work out what role you have in your family.

鍛鍊一下自己在家庭中的角色。

There are no rights and wrongs but it is important that you both agree.

雖然沒有對錯之分，但重要的是你們雙方要達成一致。

With my stepsister it took about a year

我和繼妹花了一年時間

until we started feeling like proper family.

直到我們開始覺得自己像個正式的家庭。

And I do consider her now like a full sister.

而我現在確實把她當成了嫡親的妹妹。

And someone I can go to in a time of need.

也是我在需要的時候可以去找的人。

It probably, as well, took a year until we started bickering,

大概，也是花了一年的時間，才開始爭吵。

like you do, over clothes and shoes mainly.

像你一樣，主要是在衣服和鞋子上。

And I think that's when you can really tell

我想這時你就可以真正地知道

that you're starting to feel like a family -

你開始覺得自己像一個家庭。

when you feel like you can just lose your rag at someone

當你覺得你可以只是失去你的布在別人的時候

if they borrow your crop top.

如果他們借用你的上衣，

Stepfamilies are often very busy homes.

繼母家庭往往是非常忙碌的家庭。

There can be children from both partners,

可以有雙方的子女。

there can be children from the new partnership,

可以有新的夥伴關係的孩子。

they may not all get on, again that's really common,

他們不一定都能上，同樣這也是很常見的。

siblings don't necessarily get on.

兄妹不一定合得來

Try finding ways of engaging all the children

試著找到讓所有孩子參與的方法

so try and develop something to do,

所以試著開發一些事情來做。

an activity with each of the children so they can feel special,

與每個孩子一起活動，讓他們感到自己很特別。

they can develop a relationship with both their parent,

他們可以與父母雙方發展關係。

their biological parent and also their stepparent.

他們的親生父母和繼父母；

So find a thing to do, it might be going out on a bike ride,

所以找一件事做，可能是出去騎車。

it might be making cakes together -

它可能是做蛋糕一起 -

whatever works in your family.

無論在你的家庭中是什麼工作。

Each family member will come into this new family

每個家庭成員都會走進這個新的家庭

with different memories, but you want to make your own memories as a family

有著不同的記憶，但你想作為一個家庭創造你自己的記憶。

so bring everyone together and that should start to bring everybody

所以，把大家聚集在一起，這應該開始把大家

to feel a sense of belonging.

來感受歸屬感。

Some of you might have heard the term 'Disney dad'

有些人可能聽說過 "迪士尼爸爸 "這個詞。

and it's a term that people use

而這是一個人們使用的術語

where the biological dad sees his kids perhaps at weekends or holidays

親生父親在週末或假期見到孩子的地方。

and he feels that he's got to make it the best time ever.

他覺得自己一定要讓它成為最美好的時光。

So his children are coming, he's missed them

所以他的孩子們要來了，他很想念他們。

and he just wants to make up for the time when he's not with them.

他只是想彌補時間 當他不與他們。

It can mean that that time becomes just fun time

這可能意味著，時間變得只是有趣的時間

and that's not real and it's not sustainable.

而這不是真實的，它是不可持續的。

Don't let the children be feeling that,

不要讓孩子們有這種感覺。

"I'm only coming to Dad's because of what he's going to give me,

"我之所以來爸爸那裡，只是因為他要給我什麼。

there'll be a new present,

會有一個新的禮物。

we're going to go and do something great."

我們要去做一些偉大的事情。"

That shouldn't be the case,

不應該是這樣的。

it's fine to treat your children, but not all the time.

對待孩子可以，但不能總是這樣。

When people ask me if I'm upset about my parents divorcing

當人們問我是否因為父母離婚而不高興時

I would say no, never.

我想說，不，絕不。

I'm so happy now my parents are happy in respective relationships

我很高興，現在我的父母在各自的關係中都很幸福。

and I gained a younger sister and two older brothers,

我獲得了一個妹妹和兩個哥哥。

and for me now, having that,

而對於現在的我來說，擁有。

that's worth maybe a year or two of some quite hard times,

那是值得的，也許一兩年的一些相當困難的時間。

but now I look back and I think, well, that's great,

但現在我回想起來，我覺得，嗯，這是偉大的。

I've gained all of this.

我已經獲得了這一切。

Most stepfamilies have this period where they're trying

大多數繼父家庭都會有這樣的時期，他們在嘗試

to not be a stepfamily.

以免成為繼室。

They just want to blend in and it's not about blending in -

他們只是想融入其中，而不是為了融入其中------。

it's about being who you are.

它是關於你是誰。

Enjoy it and you'll find as you develop, as you integrate,

享受它，你會發現隨著你的發展，隨著你的融入。

You'll find your own norm and your own happiness.

你會找到自己的準則和自己的幸福。

Thanks for watching :)

謝謝觀看:)

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不要忘記訂閱! 並點擊鈴鐺接收新視頻通知。

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