(all laughing)

（所有的笑）

- All right, Food Diaries take one mark

- 好吧，食物日記拿1分

- Hey I'm Tiffany Haddish and this is

- 嘿，我是蒂芙尼-哈迪什，這是。

everything I eat in a day.

我一天吃的所有東西。

(upbeat music)

(歡快的音樂)

Do you really want to know

你真的想知道嗎？

the first thing I do when I wake up?

我醒來的第一件事是什麼？

Usually I stretch, I look at my hands,

通常我拉伸，我看我的手。

and I say, "Oh I made it to another day.

我說："哦，我熬到了另一天。

"New chance for new beginnings," and then I pass gas.

"新的機會，新的開始"，然後我傳氣。

Then I'm like, "What am I gonna eat?"

然後我就想，"我要吃什麼？"

And that's when I head to the kitchen.

這時我就去廚房了。

And I open the refrigerator, I look inside,

我打開冰箱，我看了看裡面。

I close it, and I go, "Why I don't have no food?"

我關上它，然後我走了，"為什麼我沒有食物？"

Then I go to the cabinets and I open that up,

然後我去櫃子裡把它打開。

and I close them and I go, "Why I don't have no food?"

我關上它們，我走了，"為什麼我沒有食物？"

Then I go back to the refrigerator and I open it up again.

然後我又回到冰箱裡，我又把它打開。

I say, "I got some food, look at that.

我說："我有吃的，你看。

(ding)

物

"There goes some chicken from last night."

"昨晚的雞肉來了。"

I go ahead, I put that in a little pan,

我去，我把它放在一個小鍋裡。

I warm that up in the oven, Boop bada bink.

我把它放在爐子裡熱一下，Boombada bink。

While it's in the oven warming up,

當它在烤箱裡熱起來的時候，

I'm like, "I probably should wash my ass."

我想，"我可能應該洗我的屁股。"

Then I go ahead and I go take a shower

然後我就去洗澡了

while that's in the oven 'cause you know

而這是在烤箱中，因為你知道的。

it take a long time to heat stuff up in the oven.

它需要很長的時間來加熱的東西在烤箱。

That's about fifteen minutes.

大約十五分鐘。

I only need five minutes to wash this ass.

我只需要5分鐘就能把這個屁股洗乾淨。

It's a big ass, but not that much ass.

雖然屁股大，但也沒那麼大的屁股。

So then I take that showers,

所以，然後我把那個淋浴。

then I got my towel wrapped around me.

然後我就把毛巾裹在了身上。

I said, "Oop, what's that smell?

我說："哎呀，這是什麼味道？

(sniffs) "What's that smell?"

(嗅) "那是什麼味道？"

That's the chicken from last night that I put in the oven.

這是我昨晚放進烤箱的雞肉。

But I go ahead and put my mitts on.

但我還是要去把我的手套戴上。

You gotta put your oven mitts on.

你得把你的烤箱手套上。

Mind you I'm in a towel, okay?

提醒你，我是在毛巾裡，好嗎？

Sexy!

性感！

And I pull out my 'lil chicken.

我拿出我的 "小雞"。

Then I go to my grill and say,

然後我去我的烤架前說。

"dang I need some vegetables."

"當我需要一些蔬菜。"

So then I go out to the garden, right,

所以，然後我就去了花園，對吧。

I go into the back into the garden,

我到後面的花園裡去。

I got strawberries back there, I got some kale back there,

我得到了草莓回到那裡， 我得到了一些甘藍回到那裡。

I got some chard, you know, celerys.

我有一些芥菜，你知道的，塞勒里斯。

So then I eat the strawberries,

所以我就把草莓吃了。

right the dirt, right out the dirt.

右邊的土，右邊的土。

They dirty and I eat them just like that.

它們髒了，我就這樣吃了。

Then I break off some of the kale,

然後，我掰下一些甘藍。

break off some of the chard, break off some of the celery,

斷掉一些小菜，斷掉一些芹菜。

and then I put that through my little juicer,

然後我把它通過我的小果汁機。

and then I drink that, and that's breakfast.

然後我喝了，這就是早餐。

(crowd cheering)

（人群歡呼）

Mostly, I drink tea.

我主要是喝茶。

I love it, especially in the morning

我喜歡它，尤其是在早上

if I got like extra time or...

如果我有像額外的時間或... ...

if I'm out of town.

如果我不在城裡

A lot of times I'm in hotel rooms,

很多時候我都是在酒店房間裡。

so I'll drink turmeric and ginger tea

那我就喝薑黃薑茶吧

first thing in the morning.

一大早就來了

That's when I'm in a hotel room because

那是我在酒店房間裡的時候，因為... ...

usually there is no refrigerator.

通常沒有冰箱。

So then you have to call like room service

那你就得叫客房服務了

or you gotta be like,

或者你得像。

"Hey guys make sure I got some scrambled eggs,

"嘿，夥計們一定要給我買點炒雞蛋。

an avocado, and tomatoes,

一個牛油果，和西紅柿。

and a hamburger patty.

和一個漢堡包餅。

Okay, so,

好吧，那麼。

am I a exerciser?

我是一個鍛鍊者嗎？

They ask me this, people ask me this all the time.

他們問我這個，人們一直在問我這個。

"Tiffany, what are you doing to

"蒂芙尼，你在做什麼

"maintain that fantastic body."

"保持那美妙的身體。"

And I have to tell them the truth.

而我必須告訴他們真相。

Not a damn thing.

什麼都沒有

Look, I like to work out in groups,

你看，我喜歡在團體中鍛鍊。

when don't nobody be looking at me,

當沒有人看我。

but I most prefer, I perfer to do like...

但我更喜歡，我寧願做喜歡... ...

stairs,

樓梯。

like if I'm in a tall building I like to

如果我在高樓裡，我喜歡

go up and down the stairs.

上下樓。

I like to do the baby shark ab challenge.

我喜歡做小鯊魚ab挑戰。

♪ Dun na da na da na da na da na ♪

Dun na da da da da da da da da da da da da da da na da

♪ dadadada ♪

♪ dadadada ♪

♪ Baby Shark dudududu. ♪

鯊魚寶寶dudududu。

Typical lunch for me would be like a salad or,

對我來說，典型的午餐是像沙拉或。

if I'm in a place that's cold, like back east,

如果我在一個寒冷的地方，比如東部，

I'd want a pastrami sandwich.

我想要一個薰牛肉三明治。

Like I want some pastrami, I want lentil bean soup,

比如我想吃薰牛肉，我想喝扁豆湯。

or chicken soup.

或雞湯。

Today I was craving some fish.

今天我很想吃魚。

I was really craving some red snapper fried

我很想吃炸紅鯛魚啊

from Mel's Fish Shack.

從梅爾的魚棚。

I'm known to pop up there often.

我經常出現在那裡。

That's one of my favorite places, Mel's Fish Shack.

這是我最喜歡的地方之一，梅爾的魚棚。

Yeah I Postmates them, sometimes I call the owner

是的，我給他們發郵件，有時也會給老闆打電話。

and be like, "My brother coming to

並像，"我的兄弟來

"pick that up at this time, make sure it's hot."

"這個時候拿起來，確保它的熱度。"

For snacks throughout the day,

用於全天的零食。

I'm eating sometimes Red Vines,

我有時在吃紅藤。

sometimes a sip of 5-hour Energy drink.

有時喝一口5小時的能量飲料。

I only take like thirty minutes.

我只需要三十分鐘

It would probably be like just a

它可能會像只是一個

(slurps)

（嘖嘖）

Now that's enough, 'cause you know

現在，這就夠了，因為你知道

it don't much for me to go, so when I do do it's like,

它不怎麼為我去，所以當我這樣做，它就像，

if I drank a whole one,

如果我喝了一整個。

I'd get on my damn nerves.

我會讓我該死的神經。

Almonds,

杏仁。

apples,

蘋果。

oranges,

橙子。

nectarines,

油桃。

ooh dried apricots.

哦，杏幹。

That's my go to, if you get the dried apricots right?

這是我的去處，如果你買到杏幹對嗎？

You get the bag of dried apricots

你得到一袋杏幹。

and then you pour almonds in there, right?

然後你把杏仁倒在那裡，對嗎？

You pour the almonds in the bag of dried apricots.

你把杏仁倒在杏乾的袋子裡。

Now you shake that up.

現在你把它搖起來。

Now you got your own special trail mix.

現在，你有了自己的特殊線索組合。

Now this is the best thing in the world.

現在這是世界上最好的事情。

I don't know why they don't sell

我不知道為什麼他們不賣。

dried apricots and almonds together as one.

杏乾和杏仁合為一體。

They should do that.

他們應該這樣做。

You know what?

你知道嗎？

Imma do it, Imma call it Tiffnicity Mix.

我做，我叫它Tiffnicity混合。

That's a good snack.

這是一個很好的小吃。

I keep that in the car it's always in the glove compartment.

我把它放在車裡，它總是在手套箱裡。

That, and Fruit by the Foot.

這一點，和腳邊的水果。

That's in case I meet a man.

以防萬一我遇到一個男人。

(ding)

物

Usually dinner is like, I like steaks.

平時吃飯都是喜歡，我喜歡吃牛排。

I love steaks.

我喜歡牛排。

(laughs)

（笑）

I like lobsters.

我喜歡龍蝦。

You know I'm just saying all the expensive stuff right now.

你知道我現在只是在說所有昂貴的東西。

I'm saying all the expensive stuff right now

我說的是現在所有昂貴的東西。

in case any mans is out there that

以防萬一

want to take me out to dinner.

想帶我出去吃飯。

Also, oh I love to have like

還有，哦，我喜歡有喜歡

chicken and dumplings for dinner.

晚飯吃的是雞肉和餃子。

Chicken is a main thing I think in my diet.

在我的飲食中，雞肉是我認為最主要的東西。

I sometimes I try to eat lamb, but I just,

我有時想吃羊肉，但我只是。

I don't have, I'm not that sophisticated.

我沒有，我沒有那麼複雜。

I just, I can't, it bothers me.

我只是，我不能，它困擾著我。

I think about Mary and I say,

我想到了瑪麗，我說。

"dang she had a little lamb," and then it just goes

"當她有一個小羊羔，"然後它只是去。

into a whole thing and I can't, I can't finish the lamb.

變成一個整體的東西，我不能，我不能完成的羊肉。

And it's also tastes a little bit like musty armpit to me.

而且我覺得它的味道還有點像黴菌的腋窩。

And I know some of y'all are probably saying,

我知道你們中的一些人可能會說：

"Tiffany, how do you know what musty armpit taste like?"

"蒂芙尼，你怎麼知道腋下的黴味是什麼味道？"

I've been, I've dated.

我去過，我約會過。

(laughs)

（笑）

And y'all know I ain't lying.

你們都知道我沒有說謊。

Y'all know I ain't lying.

你們都知道我沒有說謊。

Anyone who knows me, knows that my

認識我的人都知道，我的

alcoholic beverage of choice is vodka.

酒精飲料的選擇是伏特加。

Vodka is my favorite thing to drink,

伏特加是我最喜歡喝的東西。

it is pretty much the only thing I'll drink.

這幾乎是我唯一會喝的東西。

Occasionally, I will dip off into a little wine

偶爾，我也會喝一點酒

or a sangria, which is basically wine with fruit

桑格利亞酒

because I love fruit, and then wine is nothing

因為我喜歡水果，然後酒就什麼都不是了

but fruit juice that's been sitting for a while.

但水果汁，已經放置了一段時間。

But I prefer

但我更喜歡

vodka.

伏特加。

You know people ask me,

你知道有人問我。

"Tiffany, do you ever get hangry?"

"蒂芙尼，你有沒有覺得餓？"

(laughs)

（笑）

Yes.

是的，我知道

I turn into a different person when I'm hungry.

餓的時候我就會變成另外一個人。

It's not my fault, either.

這也不是我的錯。

I'm a nice person, but it's the parasites inside of me.

我是個好人，但這是我體內的寄生蟲。

When they are hungry, and they don't eat,

當他們餓的時候，他們又不吃。

they take over my mind and I'm pretty mean to everybody.

他們控制了我的思想，我對每個人都很刻薄。

I don't mean to be, though.

我不是故意的，雖然。

They just need to know that, she's hangry.

他們只需要知道，她的肚子餓了。

Give her a snack, give her apricot

給她吃點零食，給她吃點杏子

with the almond in the middle.

與杏仁在中間。

She'll be all right.

她會沒事的

Ooh, oh my other favorite snack!

哦，哦，我最喜歡的另一種零食！

I just thought my other favorite.

我只是覺得我的另一個最愛。

Oh I'm sorry.

哦，我很抱歉。

You know I'm a big foodie, like this my thing okay.

你知道我是個大吃貨，這是我的事好嗎。

- [Women Offscreen] This is like the best

- 這就像最棒的一樣

- Hold up.

- 等一下

I love food.

我喜歡食物

That's why I became a comedian,

這就是為什麼我成為一個喜劇演員。

so if I get fat nobody can't say nothing 'cause I'm a comic.

所以如果我變胖了，沒有人可以說什麼，因為我是一個漫畫家。

I can give fat ass comedian.

我可以給胖屁股喜劇演員。

Okay so my other favorite, most favorite snack

好吧，所以我的另一個最喜歡的， 最喜歡的小吃，

I forgot to tell you about, is pickles.

我忘了告訴你，是泡菜。

I love a good dill pickle...

我喜歡蒔蘿泡菜... ...

the big ones that they sell in the big jars,

他們賣的大罐子。

and then you get those right?

然後你得到這些權利？

And you eat the top part off,

然後你把上面的部分吃掉。

you take a bite off the top part,

你咬了一口上面的部分。

and then you put a Now Later or a Jolly Rancher

然後你把一個現在以後或Jolly Rancher。

or

或

a peppermint in the middle.

在中間的薄荷。

(shouts)

(喊聲)

When I tell you!

當我告訴你！

Delicious flavors to savor!

美味的味道，讓人回味無窮!

So damn good. (gasps)

真他媽好。（喘氣）

Okay when I was a kid, not even when I was a kid,

好吧，當我還是個孩子的時候，甚至不是當我還是個孩子的時候。

last week I let her get the pickle

上週我讓她吃了泡菜

and then dip it in Kool-Aid powder.

然後再蘸上酷愛粉。

(gasps)

（喘氣）

Now that sounds like diabetes, but imma tell you.

現在，這聽起來像糖尿病， 但我告訴你。

It feels like success.

這感覺就像成功。

Who done turn me on?

誰讓我興奮的？

Y'all turning me on getting me talking

你們都讓我興奮，讓我說話

about my favorite things to eat!

關於我最喜歡吃的東西!

Shoot!

射！

You know what else I love?

你知道我還喜歡什麼嗎？

When the ice cream truck come up.

當冰激凌車出現的時候

When the ice cream truck come,

當冰激凌車來。

and its like one of them really ghetto ice cream trucks,

它就像其中的一個 真正的貧民窟冰淇淋卡車。

and then you get the bag of Doritos,

然後你會得到一袋多力多滋。

and you buy a bag of Fritos,

你買一袋Fritos。

and you mix those two chips together,

你把這兩個芯片混合在一起。

and then you tell her put two scoops of chili

然後你告訴她，放兩勺辣椒。

inside that bag, and then the cheese on top.

在那個袋子裡，然後在上面放上奶酪。

(gasps) And with the jalapenos?

（喘氣）和墨西哥辣椒？

And then you get the little plastic spork.

然後你會得到小塑膠叉。

Not even a fork, it's a spork.

連叉子都不是，是叉子。

(moans)

（呻吟）

On everything.

所有的事情。

That's that good life.

就是這樣的美好生活。

That's that good, don't get me started on food.

就這麼好，別讓我開始吃了。

(moans)

（呻吟）

- [Woman Offscreen] All right

- 好的

Cucumbers.

黃瓜。

Cu. Cum. Bers.

銅。Cum.Bers.

Cucumbers and tomatoes, cut up together right?

黃瓜和西紅柿，一起切了吧？

And then you add a little bit of apple cider vinegar,

然後你再加一點蘋果醋。

some Lawry's seasoning salt, some garlic seasoning salt,

一些勞瑞的調料鹽，一些大蒜調料鹽。

and some, and some black pepper.

和一些，還有一些黑胡椒。

Okay what else?

好吧，還有什麼？

- [Man Offscreen] We're okay - You sure?

- 我們沒事 你確定？

'Cause I got more things I can talk about.

因為我有更多的事情可以談。

When it come to food. (offscreen laughing)

當它來到食物。（螢幕外的笑聲）

'Cause you know what else I love?

因為你知道我還喜歡什麼嗎？

Ain't nothing like some good corn beef and cabbage.

玉米牛肉和捲心菜最好吃了

Now I can give you the full recipe,

現在我可以給你完整的配方了。

but we don't got time for that.

但我們沒有時間了。

They wrappin- They trying to wrap me up.

他們把... 他們想把我包起來。

You know what?

你知道嗎？

Imma just roll out.

我只是滾出去。

But I make this killer kale salad.

但我做了這個殺手級的甘藍沙拉。

I don't know if you've ever had kale salad before,

不知道你以前有沒有吃過甘藍沙拉。

but this kale salad that I make.

但我做的這個甘藍沙拉。

I can open up my own restaurant.

我可以開自己的餐廳。

And no, I don't sprinkle Kool-Aid on it,

不，我沒有在上面撒酷愛。

but I do use a little bit of Jolly Rancher juice.

但我確實用了一點Jolly Rancher果汁。

I'll teach you how to make that another time.