we first started uploading videos to YouTube that were tutorials on how to do stuff in your life

Like how to throw out your garbage

or how to load up your subway card

or how to use your Korean washing machine

But now that we've been living in Japan, it's time for us to do a video in the spirit of how we started

Gonna give you a tutorial on how to wash your butt with Japanese toilets

[fart soundtrack]

Oh, I'm sorry

Were we in the middle of a - let me just put this back in my anime corner

Or my manga corner?

Or as everyone on the street calls it

maynga

Allow me to introduce you to my washlet, which came with the house

we didn't upgrade

this is like, kind of like a medium car of washlets I'd say [S: Yeah]

Not an economy, maybe like a sports or a compact, [S: I'd say this is like a, like a Saturn]

What up y'all, meemers needs you to [S: Evacuate the premises] Immediately

Someone needs to just - [S: Meemers has his own business]

He needs to use the toilet

[fart soundtrack]

Before we discuss toilet functions, I wanna show you something amazingly cool

So, uhm

this is the toilet paper station in Japan

That's literally how you change it, you just take it and you

pull it out, of these amazing little

flippity-flap dooda's

So you just take it and it goes, oh it's in now and you just let go and close it

Why am I -

So the basic features that you need to know are this spray function

'oshiri' (おしり), which to me looks like a battle ax or those

like grappling hooks you see in spy movies. [S: No, it's]

[S]: Okay, it just, it looks like a flower, okay, so it's got a stem in the middle [M: A flower?]

[M: but there's no bloom-y part] and its got two petals

It's like a tulip, it looks like a tulip, you could say

[M]: Some people have grappling hooks

some people see flowers, whatever tickles your fancy

But there have been cases that we've gone to washrooms in Japan

that are kind of like sleek and metal looking so you do need to know the symbol

The most basic toilet comes with that one button that you push, 'oshiri', which is your butt spray

It's kind of like a nice way of saying

'arse' or 'buttocks', maybe, like 'buttocks spray', I guess like what would be like the correct term for that?

[S: Uhmm I think it's your...]

'burt' spray! b-u-r-

So some people are a little creeped out about the idea

that there is something that comes out and sprays water because they're like

ew, that's gross, it's gonna be icky, but it's not

because it stays inside of the toilet safely and covered and it has like a little

sanitization function that's happening [S: Like a little turtle head] like a little turtle head!

That's a really nice way to say it!

If you sit down on it, it, and you press the button, then it goes [eeurningama] and so if you're like

'Oh, no, I don't want my butt sprayed', there's a stop button, square, you just push it

you just say stop

And then later on when you're finished with spraying

you can use a little bit of toilet paper just to kind of make sure that you don't have a damp butt

[S: There's a lot less toilet paper that you use as a result] Way less toilet paper!

and it's like super clean, it's, I love it

I love it~

Butt wait...

There's more!

Perhaps you had

extremely spicy indian food the day before

there is a button that you can press to adjust the pressure of the water

[S]: Do experiment with the different pressure settings, okay, no two buttholes are the same

Some like it really high intense spray and some like it really gentle, so fiddle around

find what works best for you and your butthole

and you will have a very pleasant cleaning experience

[M]: It's like a shower for your butthole

[S: Right] a nice warm shower

Our washlet even comes with a massage function, which I was very scared to press at first

Two little fists come out, I'm like, what is it going to be??

No, the water just kind of like pulses a little bit gently like a fountain

and you can also adjust the water temperature

Too icy cold or too super hot, and you might be like, 'Why would I need to adjust that?'

Well, let me tell you, bring it on back, Coco Curry level 10 curry spice burns

You're gonna want some cooling butt water

Butt wait...

There's more!

There's also a button that says bidet and it's meant to be specifically for women

The wand that's for spraying your butthole

will come out a little bit further and then it will spray other girly parts

I was a little bit confused about this at first because bidet to me was almost like

a universal term, like in Europe, they'll call - [S: Yeah] Right?

[S: In Europe. It's not just for women, it's for both] Right

Bidet just means kind of like unisex

It's nothing to do with it being male or female

it's simply just the location of the wand

Have you ever been up in the middle of the night in the winter

and you go to the washroom and you sit down and it's icy freezing cold

Not a worry here because both of our toilet seats in our house, upstairs and downstairs, are heatable

Yeah!

We have a button that can toggle it on and off, so in the winter time, we have the warmest cosiest seats

Never thought I'd be sitting on the ground, filming a video in my toilet, but here I am

Living the life, making my family proud

[funky dance music]

[toilet flushing sound]

I think it's very important to note that not all Japanese toilets are the same

While in North America a lot of the toilets are pretty functionally identical

in Japan they have lots of different brands

Recognisable ones like Panasonic, and even what they consider the Apple of toilets, Toto toilets.

[M: ᵀᵒᵗᵒᵒᵒ]

[M: We have been looking for a Toto sponsorship forever]

It is my dream video to be able to show you a ten thousand dollar toilet

[M: ᶦ ˡᵒᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵀᵒᵗᵒ]

[M]: Hey ducky [S: Yes]

Do you remember the first time we ever saw our first gourmet Toto toilet

You rushed up to me and you said to me 'girl, you need to go to the washroom right now'

[S]: Now what - what I want to ask you is, for those of you watching, I have

favourite toilet experiences

Like I've had enough that I could actually rank [M: Rank them!] really positive ones

Do you have any toilet experiences which are like, 'Wow, that was a great time'?

I have that all the time in Japan

I can even rank my favourite ones

In Fukuoka, was my best toilet experience ever

[M Me too!] Right!?

You walk up to the toilet

and then as soon as you do it senses that you're coming and the seat lifts up

It's got like this ultraviolet light

that's all on the inside as well, that's disinfecting everything

You sit on it, it's almost kind of like it knows your body better than you know your body

Alright, it's like, it's like -

[M: But you know you're, you, you -]

a Latin lover

Simon is getting distracted in the weeds here

UV thing that he's talking about, is real, they have like

nanotech technology, where it coats the toilet bowl after each use

so prevents things from sticking

and it removes stains automatically when you walk away

It like closes it and just does its own thing - like

What?!

I think it's easier to think of Japanese

toilets as different kinds of cars

Like you could have the economy car that just has like the basic functionality

Or you can go like really luxury and high-end when it comes to your car

and you can spend a lot more and have a great experience

With that in mind, I'd like to say the North American toilets are like the horse-and-buggy

All right, we need some kind of industrial revolution to happen in North America

because y'all are living in medieval times

For real, the first week when you and I come back in Canada, we walk different

It's almost like those videos when you see, like you put socks on cat's feet and they walk weird

I don't feel right within the first week of using a Canadian toilet

[M: And what do we do to cope with it?]

We usually get wet wipes

[M: baby wipes] We bring baby wipes with us everywhere because

just wiping your butt with dry paper is not enough

Think of it this way, if you're walking by and a bird takes a dump on you

or you happen to walk past a hippo that does a

spinning tail thing and you get some poop around you

or if you're just around a human baby

you know, that if you get poop on you, you can't just wipe it away with dry paper

That's not enough

you're gonna run for the sink, you need water

Your butthole deserves the same treatment that your arm would if it gets covered in poop

Alright [M: ˢᵃʸ ᶦᵗ ˢᶦᵐᵒⁿ] your butthole

Is not a second-class citizen [M: ʸᵒᵘ'ʳᵉ ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ] of your body!

You treat that with the respect that it deserves!

And wash your butt the right way, with a Japanese toilet

Welcome

[loud Meemers meowing]

Welcome

[more meowing]

Welcome to our upstairs bathroom

almost identical to our downstairs bathroom

however we don't have the cool shelf with all of our books here

[M]: It's so small that in order for me to buy soap

I had to buy that magnetic suction cup thingy, and you shove your soap into it

[S]: I can literally touch both walls with my elbows, very very easily [M: Very tight]

Oh hello

Do you want to be in this video too? Come on in!

You want scritches? Alright, come here you're a part of the video now

[Meemers: No, alright, well]

A very interesting fact for you to note is that

even though these toilet seats aren't on every single Japanese toilet

they're still on majority of them

81% of toilets as of 2016 have these little washlet systems on them

[M: In Japan that is] In Japan, that's correct

I just got very distracted by my

[M: Adorable cat] cute cat licking my face

Okay, come on, I'm trying to - I'm trying to put food on the table here

So these washlets are very common

However, you will notice that in Japan

a lot of the toilets have outlets right beside them

because these washers operate on electricity, so, some countries

I think there are some rules in which you can't have an outlet that close to the toilet

so I'm not sure if this is as easily translatable elsewhere

But in Japan if you buy a toilet

you'll probably see a socket, and not in many other countries

Why are you standing?

[Meemers: I just wanna be a part of the video]

What?

You're a cat, on all fours please

The one thing that Japanese toilets haven't solved yet

The witch's kiss

and if you know, you know

[M: ...I don't know]

Well, then it's not a problem that bothers you is it

I can't, he's too cute

Go away

Is that our fat cat [Meemers: Excuse me, pardon me]

squeezing his way through our tripod [Meemers: If you could just get out of the way mum] with your jelly belly -

There's one function in Japanese toilets that I actually don't agree with

There's a button that you can push that will play a sound

that will mask the fart sounds that you make as you're letting them rip

I find this completely unnecessary

[M]: Wow I am baffled with your commentary on this

[S: Well think about it this way- ] I absolutely love it

The flushing water sounds, the rushing meadow sounds

[S]: When you go to an opera and you sit down you expect to hear opera

When you go to a toilet, you should expect to hear some shit

You don't have to cover that up.

[M]: Yeah, I just don't wanna hear it

It's not that complicated, I don't wanna hear it.

If everyone -

[S]: If you had the choice of listening to opera everywhere you go, then why not?

That sound that you're talking about, was I think invented by Toto

They made, like, a button that was called like the princess sound

and it had different kinds of sounds that would help cover up noises, because they found that

women in Japan were flushing the toilet up to two times