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  • Like everybody out here, I'm trying to develop things,

  • but whenever there's a conference call, I can't handle it.

  • This is not a lie.

  • I'm lying in bed, at home, and I put the cell phone on speaker,

  • and I throw the phone to the other side of the bed,

  • and I just lie there like this...

  • And I just wait for people to stop talking.

  • And when they stop talking, I just go, like,

  • "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds good."

  • That's my waterboarding, a 45-minute conference call.

  • You know what the worst is?

  • Is when the phone call goes to end,

  • and then that last person who hasn't talked

  • the whole phone call chimes in.

  • You know what they're doing.

  • They're like, "This phone call's gonna end,

  • and I haven't said anything."

  • And then you have to sit there and listen to it and then comment on it.

  • You die a thousand deaths.

  • My other car is a Prius.

  • -Wow. -So... I love the Prius.

  • Prius is the [bleeps], though.

  • It's like that friend that you never have an issue with.

  • -It's a Toyota. It always starts. -Well...

  • It costs you like 28 bucks to fill the tank.

  • -Okay. -Somebody opens their door into it,

  • you don't give a [bleeps].

  • Have you checked around for your soul lately?

  • -Have you noticed your soul is gone? -Because I'm driving a Prius?

  • It crushes the human spirit.

  • It has no joy of life...

  • Oh, [bleeps], I can't argue with that. I can't argue with any of that.

  • You've got this ability to make me laugh and to ruin [bleeps],

  • all at the same time.

  • And people for years have said, "He has an act about nothing."

  • It isn't. You're not listening to him.

  • You're not seeing the anger underneath these bits.

  • This guy has contempt for humanity,

  • and for 90% of activities.

  • -Oh, my God. -One of my favorite things to see

  • is a comic,

  • especially someone who works clean,

  • to still be able to see that same sort of rage.

  • Like Brian Regan. You watch Brian Regan...

  • People think it's goofy. It's like, "No. This is an angry dude."

  • The way he's telling this story is not the way he reacted

  • when the [bleeps] happened. I'm telling you right now.

  • Well, I think everybody in that whole northeast area...

  • -Yeah. -They're just funny.

  • -Philly, New York and Boston. -I just think it's the ball-breaking.

  • It's like you grow up getting heckled.

  • -It's like you're, sort of, onstage... -Right.

  • And you just learn that whole

  • "get it off me and get it on to the next person."

  • -Know what I mean? -Right.

  • Then you learn other techniques, like, "I'll agree with it.

  • I'll make fun of myself.

  • I can use my hands, I can take it to the ground."

  • It's like UFC of, like, getting [bleeps].

  • You're not worried that we're becoming this very gentle, respectful culture,

  • that the people won't be funny anymore.

  • I'm worried that every time I see a comedian

  • apologize just to end it...

  • Just because you took what I said seriously

  • doesn't mean I now meant it.

  • Like, you don't get to decide that,

  • "What? You're in my head and you know my intent?"

  • Like, if I'm saying something and I'm joking, I'm joking.

  • This is the deal. Those people who get offended like that,

  • if they wanna see stand-up comedy,

  • they should hire a comic for a private show,

  • and go, "These are topics you can talk about.

  • These are topics you don't."

  • So, you come in to the hostile environment of a comedy club,

  • and we get to say whatever we want.

  • The amount of times they've shown clips,

  • they'll be like, "Controversy at the Laugh Factory."

  • And they show the bit and the crowd laughed.

  • There was no controversy.

  • One person got pissed, wrote a blog.

  • It's a lazy journal story...

  • -Right. -And the next thing you know,

  • you're on a split screen,

  • and you're sitting there talking to a [bleeps] blogger.

  • -Is everything tasting okay? Good? -Yeah. It's delicious.

  • -I thought you were gonna complain. -This is not over-medium.

  • -This is over-easy. -Yeah.

  • And this is just right out of the chicken.

  • Did you see any of The Expendables movies?

Like everybody out here, I'm trying to develop things,

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A2 初級 美國腔

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    陳為洋 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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