Kumon learning centers, so you guys that don't know, are basically detention camps for young Asian children.

Kumon 補習班，你們可能不知道，那邊基本上就是亞洲小朋友的集中營啊！

You can tell that place is kind of fucked up by the look of its logo.

你從它的招牌就可以看得出來那地方真的不太優。

Because it's supposed to be a smiley face, but it's not really smiling.

因為它本來應該要是一張笑臉，但那看根本不算是笑。

It's just like, "Man."

比較像是，「呃好喔」。

My parents were way too cheap to send me to Kumon, they got a different strategy.

我爸媽太窮了所以沒辦法送我去 Kumon，但他們另出奇招。

They never let me use a calculator until I turned 15, so I can work on my brain function.

我 15 歲前他們不准我用計算機，好讓我的腦袋能好好發展。

That's an old-school Chinese strategy.

這是老派的中式作法。

You know, so when I turned 15, it was a very special occasion.

所以我 15 歲的時候，那真的是個大事件。

It was basically my quinceanera.

基本上就像是我登大人的日子。

My dad just gave me a TI-83 Plus.

我爸給了我一台型號 TI-83 plus 的計算機。

And he looked me in the eyes, and he was like, "You're a woman now, okay?"

他看著我的眼睛，然後說：「你現在是個娘們了，知道嗎？」

But when you were a kid when your parents tell you can't do something, what do you do?

但當你還是小屁孩的時候，你爸媽叫你不准做一些事，你會怎麼做？

You rebel, right?

搞叛逆，對吧？

So when I was 14 years old, I stole my brother's calculator, I stole Roy Roger's calculator, and I locked myself in my room and I started rebelling.

所以在我 14 歲的時候，我偷了我哥的計算機，我偷了 Roy Rogers (美國知名主持人) 的計算機，然後我把自己反鎖在房間裡，開始「叛逆」。

I started doing math homework

我開始做數學作業。

Other kids were like fucking around with like alcohol and drugs, I was fucking up some problems, you know?

其他小屁孩在跟酒精還有毒品胡搞瞎搞的時候，我在跟一堆數學題做對，你知道嗎？

Locked myself in a room, I was just punching in numbers, and I was like, "Oh man, this feels great.," you know?

把自己鎖在房間裡，狂敲計算機的數字，我心裡想：「喔天啊，這感覺超讚的。」你知道嗎？

It's so wrong, it's awesome.

我超壞的，有夠讚。

My dad was pissed.

我爸大發飆。

He was knocking the other side of the door, he doesn't like locked doors in the house.

他在門外敲門，因為他不喜歡家裡有人鎖門。

And he was screaming, he was like, "Jimmy! Jimmy! What are you doing inside?"

他開始大叫：「Jimmy！Jimmy！你在裡面幹什麼啊？」

"Come out right now, I know you're in there using a calculator, come out right now!"

「現在給我出來，我知道你在用計算機，給我出來！」

I was so scared, I didn't know what to do.

我超害怕的，不知道該怎麼辦。

And he unlocked the door and he came in, I went into full panic mode.

他把門鎖打開後走進來，我整個嚇傻。

So I just threw away the calculator, and I pulled down my pants.

我就把計算機扔開然後把褲子拉下去。

I was like, "Dad, I was just jerking off!"

我就說：「爸，我在打手槍啦！」

And he came in, and he looked at me and then looked at the math homework.

他走進來，看了看我，又看了看我的數學作業。

And he was like, "Good, good."

他就說：「好，很好。」

"Very good, very good, very good."

「很好、很好、很好。」

"You must really like math, that's good."

「你一定超愛數學的，這很好。」

"That's good, keep it up."

「很好，繼續保持。」

Because there's nothing, there's nothing that will make your Asian father more proud than to see his son jerk off to his math homework.

因為天底下沒有事，沒有任何事能比看到自己兒子對著數學作業打手槍，更讓亞洲父親感到驕傲的了。