And I had to take a piss.

我得尿尿。

So I saunter off to the men's room.

所以我閒晃到男生廁所。

And at this particular bar the bathroom's made up of one stall and two urinals.

在這間酒吧裡，廁所有一間坐式的隔間和兩個小便斗。

Now, it's worth noting, that these two urinals, well, they're about...four centimeters apart.

值得一提的是，那兩個小便斗⋯⋯間隔大概四公分。

Needless to say, you gotta get a little comfortable with whoever you're pissing next to.

無須多說，你必須跟隔壁尿尿的人很親近。

You're so close to the other guy, that you kinda just wanna be like: "You know, fuck it! You wanna share a urinal? Let's share a urinal, we might as well!"

你超級靠近另一個人，你會想說：「你知道嗎，去他的！你想要共享一個小便斗嗎？我們一起用吧，又沒差！」

So I walk in, and of course, there's already somebody at the urinal.

所以我走廁所，當然，小便斗已經有人了。

And of course, there's already somebody duking it up in the stall.

而且當然，也已經有人佔據坐式那間了。

Alright, whatever, f**k it, time to get cozy and be pee pals with whoever this strange man is over here.

好啊，管他的，是時候舒舒服服和隔壁的怪人一起當尿尿夥伴了。

So I squeeze in next to this guy, he's all pissed-off and does this little sigh, like: "Come on, dude, can't you go piss in the sink or something?"

所以我擠進那個男生旁邊的小便斗，他感覺很生氣並嘆了一小口氣，像在說：「拜託，老兄，你就不能去洗手槽尿尿嗎？」

Like listen buddy, I don't like this anymore than you do, alright?

欸，老兄，我也沒有比你喜歡這個情況，好嗎？

Our shoulders are rubbing against each other and shit.

我們的肩膀相互摩擦，很多鳥事。

Let's just tough it out, we don't got to make out after this or anything.

我們就咬緊牙關撐過去吧，尿完後又不用去親熱或什麼的。

So there we are, dicks in hand.

所以我們就站在那裡，手中握著各自的雞雞。

It was right about this time, that I realized, that this guy isn't even pissing!

就在這時我突然意識到，這傢伙根本沒在尿尿！

I'm not saying that I was ogling this guy's wiener.

我並沒有打量那傢伙的下面喔。

But there was definitely no tinkle sounds coming from the tinkling area.

但會出現尿聲的地方根本就沒有尿聲。

I kinda, like, glance over this dude's face and kinda give him the nod, like, "Hey, what's up, buddy?"

我就掃過那傢伙的臉並對他點點頭，像在說：「嘿老兄，發生什麼事啦？」

And he's got this paranoid look on his face.

他臉上有種偏執的表情。

A face that I've never seen on a human being's head before.

我從來沒在人類的臉上看到這種表情過。

Looks like he just swallowed a bunch of pennies or something like that.

看起來好像他剛吞了一堆硬幣。

Now, it's worth noting that I don't have a shy bladder.

值得一提的是，我的膀胱並不害羞。

At least not when I'm halfway drunk, which is what I was.

至少在我已經半醉時不害羞，而我當時已經半醉了。

When I'm halfway drunk, I can piss in public.

在我半醉時，我可以在公共場合尿尿。

I can piss in front of my grandparents.

我可以在祖父母面前尿尿。

In front of a...school field trip, you name it, I can piss it!

在⋯⋯校外旅行的學生面前也行，只要你講得出來，我就尿得下去！

I could piss standing on this dude's shoulders, if I wanted to.

如果我想要，我也可以站在那老兄肩膀上尿尿。

But as soon as I notice that this guy is not peeing, my brain kicks in and it's like: "Hey, you know what would be weird? If you couldn't piss either!"

但當我注意到那傢伙沒在尿尿時，我的大腦突然闖進一個想法：「嘿，你知道怎樣會很怪嗎？如果是你也尿不出來！」

"And you guys just stood there with your dicks out."

「你們兩個就會站在那裡，屌還在外面。」

And soon as I thought it, well, it sure the f**k happened!

當我有了這個想法，他 X 的就發生了！

I'm pushing, god damn am I pushing!

我正在用力，我的老天我真的有用力！

My eyes are bulging out of my head, my face is turning all red and shit.

我的眼睛從頭上凸出來，我的臉變得通紅。

Nothing's coming out, though a fucking puff of dust hits the back of the urinal.

但什麼都沒出來，不過有一團該死的灰塵降落在小便斗的後面。

Now we're just two grown men holding our dicks.

我們就只是兩個成熟男性，握著各自的雞雞。

"Yeah, I'm here at the Great Pissing Stalemate of 2016."

「嗯，我在 2016 年最偉大尿尿僵局。」

"Where two grown men, dick in hand, can't piss in front of each other."

「有兩個大男生，手裡握著屌，無法在對方面前尿尿。」

"That sounds awful, Tom! Is there any end in sight?"

「Tom，這聽起來好糟！有沒有可能有結果？」

"No way, Bill! Both are completely insecure and neither one of them wanna be the weirdo..."

「Bill，絕對不可能！那兩個人都非常不安，沒有一個人想當怪咖⋯⋯」

"That just hovers their dick in front of the urinal for three minutes for no goddamn reason!"

「他們就只是把屌在小便斗前面晃了三分鐘，沒有任何原因！」

I'm standing there, thinking like: "God, if my dad could see me now..."

我站在那裡，想著：「天啊，如果我爸現在看到我的話⋯⋯」

"You know what, fuck this! I'm gonna stand here until I explode, I don't give a shit, I'm standing my ground!"

「你知道嗎，去他的！我就要站在這裡直到我爆炸，我才不管，我要堅守陣地！」

"I'm not peeing, you're not peeing, what the hell are we doing here, holding our ding-dongs for?"

「我不尿尿，你也不尿尿，我們到底在這裡握著自己的丁丁幹嘛？」

"What are we, practicing?" Like 30 seconds go by, and we're both standing here, pretending like this isn't the most awkward moment of our lives.

「我們在幹嘛，練習尿尿嗎？」大概三十秒過後，我們還是站在那裡，假裝這不是生命中最尷尬的事。

It's very tense moment, like...Clarice-talking-to-Hannibal-Lecter tense!

那是個非常緊繃的時刻，就像 Clarice 和 Hannibal Lecter 講話那樣的緊繃！

"Hello, Clarice."

「哈囉，Clarice。」

"Doctor Lecter, it's Jodie Foster."

「Lecter 醫生，這是 Jodie Foster。」

"Quid pro quo, Clarice! Quid pro quo."

「要還錢啊，Clarice，要還錢。」

"Jodie Foster, look how handsome I am!"

「Jodie Foster，看看我有多帥！」

Some guy walks in the middle of all this shit.

有些人在這過程中走了進來。

Sees what's going on and is like: "Nope! I want nothing to do with this weirdness!"

他們看到正在發生的事，感覺像在說：「不！我才不要被捲進這怪異中！」

"I'll go piss in the street!"

「我直接去尿在街上就好！」

The dude pooping in the stall's wondering, what the hell is going on out there?

在坐式隔間裡大便的老兄就想著，外面到底發生什麼事了？

"Uhhh... Are you guys still in here?"

「呃⋯⋯你們還在裡面嗎？」

Finally, after what seems like a goddamn eternity, miss piss partner sees an opening.

終於，好像過了一個他 X 的永恆那麼久，我的尿尿夥伴終於有個開始了。

He finally gets the courage to piss.

他終於有勇氣尿尿了。

I don't know what's going on, the eye of the tiger, this is it, the big moment.

我不知道到底發生什麼事，他眼睛突然變得像老虎那樣，迎來了偉大的時刻。

He finally let's loose...

他終於放鬆了⋯⋯

For a whole half a goddamn second.

只維持了天殺的半秒鐘。

He pissed just enough to fill up a thimble.

他的尿剛好可以填滿一個迷你杯子。

And then he zips up and runs out of there, like the building's on fire.

接著他拉上拉鍊跑了出去，好像這棟建築物起火了。

Holy shit, I won, I did it, I won Pissing Stalemate 2016!

天殺的，我贏了，我做到了，我贏了 2016 年最偉大尿尿僵局！

And I'm so relieved.

接著我超級放鬆。

I swear to God, I could've just dropped my pants around my ankles, and pissed like the weird kid did in first grade.

我向天發誓，我可以直接把褲子脫到腳踝處，像一年級的奇怪小學生那樣尿尿。

All bare-assed and all the pooping dude's clapping for me.

完全光著屁股，在大便的那位老兄就會為我鼓掌。

I left that bathroom, feeling relieved, hoping somebody was gonna give me like a sash or something.

我離開那間廁所，感到放心，希望有人會給我勝利肩帶什麼的。

Pissing Champion 2016.

2016 年尿尿冠軍。

But no, there's no confetti, no celebratory, applause.

但沒有，沒有五彩碎紙、慶典、鼓掌。

But I did get to avoid eye contact with that other guy for the entire rest of the night.

但在整個晚上，我都避免和那位尿尿老兄有眼神接觸。

So that was rewarding.

所以這非常有意義。

I kinda felt bad for him, I was thinking about going up to him, maybe buying him a beer.

我有點為他感到抱歉，我想著要去找他講話，也許請他喝啤酒。

Be like: "Look, dude, sorry...Sorry you got all emotional in there."

我可以說：「老兄，抱歉⋯⋯讓你在裡頭那麼情緒化。」

"I'd shake your hand, but...your dick was in it, so...here'a Michelob Ultra."

「我想跟你握手，但你的屌在你手裡，所以⋯⋯這裏是一杯 Michelob Ultra。」

I don't know what else to say...

我不知道還能說什麼⋯⋯

Jodie Foster!

Jodie Foster！

It's my Jodie Foster impression.

這是我模仿 Jodie Foster 的樣子。

I don't have a good...

我沒有很好的⋯⋯

I feel like my Hannibal Lector impression sucks dick.

我覺得我 Hannibal Lector 的模仿很糟。

But my Jodie Foster impression...that shit is perfect!

但我模仿 Jodie Foster⋯⋯超完美！

"Doctor Lecter, it's Jodie Foster!"

「Lecter 醫生，這是 Jodie Foster！」

It's pretty similar to Rough McGruff.

這跟 Rough McGruff 還蠻像的。

Jodie Foster and Rough McGruff they're the same person to me.

Jodie Foster 和 Rough McGruff 對我來說是同個人。

"Rough McGruff, Chicago, Illinois."

「Rough McGruff，住在伊利諾伊州的芝加哥。」

"Jodie Foster, take a bite out of crime!"

「Jodie Foster，來試試犯罪啊！」