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-You just celebrated a big milestone in your career.
-Yeah. -30 years in comedy?
-My first open-mic night was 30 years ago this month.
-That doesn't seem possible.
[ Cheers and applause ] That doesn't seem possible.
-Yeah, I can't believe it, either, man.
I can't believe it, either.
It was actually -- It wasn't this month.
It was March 31st,
and, then, I didn't go on till after midnight,
so technically, my anniversary was April Fools' Day.
-Is that perfect or what, man?
-Which kind of makes it easy to remember.
It was right around the corner at a place called
Ye Olde Tripple Inn.
It's not there anymore.
-Was it a comedy place? -It was, like, open mic.
I followed a bongo player. -Wow.
-Yeah. -Wow.
-I wonder how he's doing.
-How was the gig? Do you remember anything about it?
-I remember being really nervous,
and I remember -- I had one joke that worked.
-What was it? -I told a bunch of stories
that I wasn't really sure what was happening.
But I had one joke about -- You know, my actual --
Ross is my middle name. Jeff Ross.
But my real last name is Lifschultz,
so I said, "Lifschultz. That's an old Hebrew word
that means, 'Hey, you ought to change that.'"
[ Laughter ]
That's actually a good joke. That's a good joke.
-Talk to me about going on tour with Attell.
-Dave Attell and I are back on tour.
You know, we did a Netflix special late last year
called "Bumping Mics." -Yeah.
-And Dave Attell is my all-time favorite comedian.
He's just a -- He's just a joke machine.
He talks in punchlines.
-He's everyone's favorite. He's unbelievable.
-And it's like taking my grandma out on tour, you know?
He never wants to stay up late anymore.
You know, he doesn't want to go out and party anymore,
but he's the best joke writer in the world,
and I get to up my game. I love that guy.
If you don't know Dave Attell, he looks like the last face
that your puppy sees before he gets put to sleep.
[ Audience groans ]
-That's a compliment. That's so nice of you to say.
-That way, he can get me back later.
-This Friday, you're at the Sands Bethlehem,
then May 25th, you're in Atlantic City at the Borgata.
That's a great room. Yeah, we sold out.
We added a second show at the Borgata this weekend.
-The Mirage in Las Vegas. Harrah's in Southern California.
Valley Center, California.
If you want to see a great comedy show, you got to watch
these guys, 'cause, dude, I just saw you --
Last I saw you, you were opening for Rock.
-That was a good one. -You opened for Chris Rock.
And it was unbelievable.
Dude, you crushed that night. -Thanks, man.
-Not just the roasting part. Your stand-up was just crushing.
-Yeah. -It was so great, man.
-Well, when you open for Chris Rock,
you get to meet all the big stars.
Like, I got starstruck afterwards.
I was backstage, and I was, "Oh, my God.
Barbra Streisand. This is such an honor.
Can I get a picture?"
And she said, "I'm Mickey Rourke."
[ Laughter ]
-Wow! She said that. Oh, my gosh.
[ Laughter ]
Is there -- I know you've roasted Trump before.
-Yeah, yeah. -You did a great job with that.
-Thank you. I roasted Donald Trump twice.
I've known him -- I feel like any second,
he's going to call me up and offer me a cabinet position.
-It could happen, right? -Yeah.
-Is there any Democrats
that you're looking forward to roasting?
-Oh, my God. Well, they'd all be kind of fun.
Bernie would be a good roast. -Oh, yeah.
Bernie Sanders is so old,
Colonel Sanders is named after him.
[ Laughter ]
Bernie Sanders is so old, his favorite Commandment
is "thou shalt not cut thy hair."
-These "Historical Roasts." -Yeah.
-I think it's a brilliant idea. -Thanks.
-Basically, these are people that you're like,
"Oh, I've always wanted to roast
but I can't because they're not with us."
-Yeah, well, people always say to me, like,
"Jeff, who would your dream roast be?"
I roast the ones I love.
So I stopped and I made a list of the biggest heroes I have.
We're roasting Martin Luther King.
We're roasting Cleopatra, who was a great female general.
We're roasting Muhammad Ali, who I worship.
We're roasting Anne Frank.
[ Audience groans ]
Too soon?
I want -- People have to remember these stories.
People always say never forget when it comes to the Holocaust,
and I say, "Well, we have to remind young people
exactly who Anne Frank was."
Also, it's a cautionary tale
about how we treat refugees and immigrants today.
So I wanted to roast -- The Anne Frank roast.
Gilbert Gottfried plays Hitler. It's a funny show.
-Oh, my God. -And then we roast Abe Lincoln,
my favorite president of all time.
-How do you roast Abe Lincoln?
-Everyone always said
Abe Lincoln had a great sense of humor.
Every history book says that. -Yeah. I did read that, yeah.
-Abe, Americans love you so much, we put you
on the only coin that we throw in the garbage.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, Abe, you should have tried
emancipating that mole from your cheek.
-When you do these, you have comedians play the characters.
-Yeah, Bob Saget plays Abe Lincoln.
-That's perfect. Is that fantastic?
-Yes. -That is perfect.
-And then, on top of that --
And Bob is hilarious as Abe Lincoln.
I mean, he was so into it, I couldn't get him
to take the hat and beard off for three days.
And, then, John Stamos plays John Wilkes Booth.
-No. -Yeah.
So it's a pretty crazy show. -That's perfect.
-Yeah, and I play myself as a Union general,
the Roast Master General of the Union Army.
-That makes so much sense. Gosh. It's a really funny show.
He's the master at his craft. I want to show everyone a clip.
Here's Jeff Ross roasting Abe Lincoln
in "Historical Roasts."
Take a look at this.
-This is exciting. Are you ready for this, Mr. President?
-Fire away.
Bad -- Bad choice of words.
-I can't believe I'm meeting the great emancipator
and the old rail splitter, which is also
John Stamos' name on Grindr.
[ Laughter ]
Mr. President, you did something
no modern president has accomplished.
You accomplished stuff.
[ Laughter ]
I only roast the ones I love, and I love you, Abraham Lincoln.
You not only preserved the Union and abolished slavery,
but thanks to you, one day a year,
we get 25% off on TVs and pickup trucks!
[ Chanting ] USA! USA!
-USA! -Jeff Ross, everybody.


Jeff Ross Roasts Bernie Sanders

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林宜悉 發佈於 2020 年 7 月 4 日
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