In front of each of us are two envelopes

containing confessions.

One is true, and the other is a lie.

Once you read the confession,

the two other players get to interrogate you.

They have to come to a unanimous decision --

is it the truth, or it the lie?

Billie, you'll go first.

Colin, which envelope should she open?

-Mm. Uh, 2.

-Mm. Mm-hmm. -This?

-Numero dos.

-Wait.

-Can you open an envelope? -Shut up.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, it's open on the bottom. -Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

-Okay. Are you ready for this?

-Okay. All right.

That is a strong... -Strong fake cigarette.

-Um... So, I once farted

in my friend's mouth while she was yawning, and she threw up.

[ Laughter ]

-Wait. What year was this?

♪♪

-Um, it was, um...

I was 12, so it was -- -Last year?

[ Laughter ]

So it was last year. Okay, great.

-It was 2014. -Okay.

-I was 12. -And where were you?

-I was in my yard. -Out back, in your backyard?

-Yeah, my backyard. In my backyard.

-Daytime? -Yeah.

-No, they were at nighttime in the backyard.

What are you -- [ Laughter ]

Do you think it's camping? -Yeah.

-What were you doing? Like, wrestling

or fooling around or doing gymnastics?

-Whoa. -I was -- So, I was --

It was like, there was a table, and she was sitting.

-Oh, please. -I was standing here.

So, she was sitting, like, facing this way.

I was standing here, facing that way.

-Okay. -She was eating.

-And where's the table?

-The table's here, so she was facing the other way.

-Okay. -What was she eating?

-Pizza. -Pizza.

-Daytime pizza. [ Laughter ]

-You want some nighttime pizza? Like...

-That's kind of -- All right.

Kind of running out of time here.

I don't know. We need to ask more questions.

And are you friends with her today?

-Ye-- Sort of. [ Laughter ]

-Was it weird after that?

-It was so funny. -[ Laughs ]

-So funny. -What do you think?

I think... -I think...true.

-Yeah, I think true. I think it sounds

like something weirdly -- -It sucks.

-Is it true? -Yes.

♪♪

-Oh, my God.

But why did you do that? Did you do that --

Why did you do that? Was it on purpose?

-It was silent. Listen, it was silent.

I did not think it would be bad, but, you know,

those are always the worst ones. -Okay, here we go.

-That's the problem. -Which envelope should I open?

Truth or lie? What do you think?

Billie? Colin?

-Uh...one. -Yeah.

-Doesn't matter because I'm such a good actor.

-Well... Whoa.

-Shut up. -Ever see a movie called "Taxi"?

[ Laughter ]

-Okay, here we go.

Oh, I got fired from my job at the supermarket

for pretending to be French.

[ Laughter ]

-When? -This is -- I was 15,

so I'd probably say --

-What was the name of the supermarket?

-Oddly, it was Great American was the name of the supermarket.

-Can you repeat? What happened?

-I got fired from my job for pretending to be French.

-Why were you pretending to be French?

-I was bored. -You were bored.

-I was bored. I was putting stickers

on canned -- canned foods. I was bored.

And people would ask me questions,

and I'd be like, "Non." [ Laughter ]

"Non." And then, sometimes people would ask for something,

I'd go, "You want --"

And I would point to French dressing.

[ Laughter ]

Or if it was around mustard, I would point to French's mustard.

And I think someone ratted on me.

Someone complained, and then they said, "Who did it?"

And then one of my friends ratted on me.

-The French guy, yeah? -Yeah, yeah.

"Who was pretending to be French and not helping people?"

-And then I was like, "I don't know who."

-Sound like a very pretentious 15-year-old, by the way.

[ Laughter ]

-So, you're pretending to not understand them.

-"I don't know. I don't know."

[ Laughter ]

-You were 15. -Yeah.

♪♪

All right. What do you guys think?

-Uh...

-I don't think so.

-Mnh-mnh. I want to say...

It's almost, like, not funny enough to be true.

[ Laughter ]

-Now, you -- Now I'm thinking -- -Like, you know what I'm saying?

Like, we agree? -Now I'm thinking it did happen.

-You know what I'm saying? [ Sad trombone ]

-Now you're thinking it did happen because --

-I'm just gonna say it happened.

You can say it didn't so one of us can win.

-Okay, good. -Okay?

-No, I think you have to be unanimous.

-No, no. [ Laughter ]

-I like how you're just playing this game, he goes,

"No, I think you have to be --"

You don't even know the rules of your game.

[ Laughter ] -You have to be unanimous.

Ready? 1, 2, 3 -- yea or nay?

-Yea. -Yea.

-You think yea, it did happen. -I think it did happen.

-Yeah. It did not happen.

-Oh! -You were right!

You should've stuck to your guess!

That's the lesson learned -- stick to your guess.

No.

I did get fired but it was for doing whip-its.

Colin, I think you should -- [ Laughter ]

You should -- I think you should go.

-Come on, baby. -I think number one.

'Cause you know why? You're number one to me, man.

-Aw, thanks. -Yeah.

Here we go. -Okay. Ready?

-Yeah. -My first stand-up set

was in a police station while I was under arrest.

-That's so cool. -This is absolutely true.

This is so true. -I love --

-He's Colin Quinn. He's the most Irish guy I know.

This is perfect for his one-man show and first book.

This is so him.

He did stand-up in a police station.

Why were you arrested?

-Possession of a controlled substance.

[ Laughter ]

-So, you had weed on you, or was it something else?

-[ Laughs ] -Yeah, you don't want to say.

[ Laughter ]

-Wait. But how old were you?

-You get arrested for weed? Come on.

[ Laughter ]

-How old were you? -Uh, 22.

-Oh, my gosh. He totally did this.

It was you-know-what and the thing, and he got busted.

Were you in a car or something, driving?

-No. -That's right, because you

grew up in the streets of Brooklyn,

and that's how you have your accent.

So you were walking around, you started some trouble.

-I just like picturing it.

-You got in a fight with somebody?

-No. -How did you get arrested?

-What is that? -How did you get arrested?

You were buying? -Possession -- 'Cause I was --

-The whole way on Fifth Avenue and 43rd Street.

-How much cocaine did you have? [ Laughter ]

-It was fake. -It was fake cocaine?

-It was fake. Don't do fake cocaine.

[ Laughter ] I love it.

-You're not a role model for children.

"Don't do fake cocaine." [ Laughter ]

Don't do cocaine at all! Real or fake.

-What's fake cocaine? -I know him pretty well.

-Called procaine. -Procaine.

-That's what they called it!

-I think of course this happened to him,

'cause he has this type of luck. -I just love to picture it.

So I'm gonna -- I feel like it's true, you know?

-Gosh, if he's lying, you're a genius,

'cause he is a good actor, too. I'm gonna say it's true.

-I think it's true.

-It's true. -Yeah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Come on. I love you, buddy.

Oh, there's the truth right there!

Billie Eilish, Colin Quinn, everybody!