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  • -Thank you! Thank you, guys.

  • Thank you, guys. Thank you, thank you.

  • I appreciate that. I'm happy to be here.

  • I just celebrated my 29th birthday.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Thank you. Thank you.

  • I'm 29. I got no kids.

  • My family thinks right now is the perfect time

  • to start thinking about having a kid.

  • 'Cause I come from a very traditional family.

  • Like, my grandparents?

  • They just celebrated 59 years of being together.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • 59 years together.

  • And they're Hispanic, so... [ Laughter ]

  • ...they're thinking about getting married.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • My grandmother might be the one. You know?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When you 29, no kids, and you come from a Hispanic family,

  • your family's gonna want to talk about it.

  • But sometimes, I don't like talking to them,

  • 'cause I feel they haven't updated their dating mentality.

  • Like, the other day, my uncle came up to me to give me advice.

  • He was like, "Listen, the first thing you need

  • to understand about women is that women,

  • they just want to hang out with guys with money."

  • I was like, "Wow. How could you say that about women?

  • I mean, it is 2019."

  • We all want to hang out with guys with money.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • And I was trying to explain modern dating to my mom.

  • You ever tried to explain how modern dating works

  • to your parents?

  • They've been out the game for so long,

  • they don't even understand how it's supposed to go.

  • My mom got upset with me the other day.

  • She was like, "Ian, I don't understand

  • why you can't just go out and meet somebody.

  • Like, you're always out.

  • Just meet somebody when you're out."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I was like, "Are you crazy?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I can't just walk around meeting people."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "It's 2019. You got to meet online."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I don't know if we're ready to admit this,

  • but in today's world, meeting online

  • is the appropriate way to meet another human being.

  • In fact, whenever I talk to a guy today

  • that tells me he met his girlfriend in person,

  • I always think the guy's kind of a pervert.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm like, "Hold up. So you was just

  • going up to women and speaking to them?

  • That's disgusting.

  • You need to be on some type of list."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • "I don't know who raised you, but we don't speak to women.

  • You find them on Instagram and send them a message

  • like a real man." [ Laughter ]

  • I think in a couple years, we're gonna see that

  • on an episode of "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Just a man walking up to women,

  • saying, "Good morning," and walking away.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Detective Benson gonna be like,

  • "We gotta get this pervert off the streets."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • And I joke about it, but to be honest,

  • it's one of my biggest fears. I worry that millennials,

  • we never gonna have that long-lasting love

  • that our grandparents and our parents got to have.

  • 'Cause we picky. We put a lot of pressure on our partners.

  • I read an article the other day that said that the number-one

  • turn-off for women right now is men with bad grammar.

  • Which goes to show you

  • how much more sophisticated women are than men.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The fact that you wouldn't sleep with a guy

  • 'cause he has bad grammar. [ Laughter ]

  • That'd be like a guy not having sex with a girl

  • because she has... um...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I can't even think of a real reason

  • not to sleep with somebody. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • And listen, it's not just women doing it.

  • Men, we do it, too.

  • Y'all know we put a lot of pressure on our partners.

  • You know, I was talking to my boy the other day.

  • I don't think he'll ever settle down.

  • This what he was telling me. He was like,

  • "Ian, I'm gonna settle down.

  • I'm just looking for a girl that's gonna ride or die for me.

  • You know? Like, I don't ask for much."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • My woman needs to be ready to die for me."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I was like, "For what?

  • You work at the Home Depot.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Why would she need to die for you?"

  • Plus, guys, listen, I don't know if you ever had a chance

  • to date the crazy ride or die girl,

  • but I'll be honest with you, don't do it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm serious. I've dated a girl like that.

  • She was crazy. She was always ready to fight.

  • No matter what, she was down to fight.

  • I remember one time, we was in her car.

  • She was driving. I was in the passenger seat.

  • And she cut some guy off in traffic.

  • But then, we got stuck at the red light,

  • so the guy she cut off, he ended up catching up to us.

  • He pulled up next to her, started yelling at her

  • from his car window.

  • This girl looks at me and goes, "Give me one second."

  • She gets out of the car and kicks the dude's

  • side-view mirror straight off of his car,

  • and then, she just hopped back in our car

  • like nothing happened. [ Laughter ]

  • She's like, "So, anyways, what was you saying?"

  • I was like, "I wasn't saying anything at all."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Like, "I'm sorry.

  • I didn't know I was on a date with John Wick."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "You didn't mention that on your profile, you know?"

  • It was the first time I actually got to feel

  • what women feel when you go on these random dates.

  • Like, ladies, I get it now.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I was so nervous, I was texting all of my boys,

  • like, "If anything happens to me,

  • I'm with Jessica. Make sure you look for Jessica.

  • She's crazy." [ Cheers and applause ]

  • I'm Ian Lara. You guys have been amazing.

  • Thank you so much!

  • ♪♪

  • -That's the way to do it, buddy. So good.

  • Ian Lara!

  • For more info, go to ianlaralive.com.

-Thank you! Thank you, guys.

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A2 初級

伊恩-拉拉站立 (Ian Lara Stand-Up)

  • 5 0
    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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