so I thought if you guys wouldn't mind,

I'd just like to write out

my weekly thank-you notes right now. Is that okay?

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's Thursday. -Thursday.

-Thursday is when I write out my thank-you notes.

-Yeah, Thursday is thank you note day.

-Yes. That's correct, it is. Yeah.

James, can I get some thank-you note writing music, please?

[ Melancholy music playing ]

He's always in a good mood.

-Wow. -He's always in a good mood.

-It is like he's wishing you happy birthday with his eyes.

[ Laughter ]

[ Melancholy music playing ]

-Thank you, "Ad Astra",

for looking like a great sci-fi movie

but sounding like a new 24-hour allergy medication.

[ Laughter and applause ]

-Ask your doctor about "Ad Astra."

-May cause sneezing.

[ Melancholy music playing ]

Thank you, Sean Spicer's debut

on "Dancing with the Stars" -- -Oh.

-For looking like a highlighter going through a mid-life crisis.

[ Laughter and applause ]

-How about neon green? -What is going on?

-God. Oh, my God.

[ Melancholy music playing ]

-Thank you, Bernie Sanders,

saying he'll release his medical records.

Or, as Bernie put it,

"And you thought the Mueller report was long.

I've been alive since 1863!"

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Melancholy music playing ]

-Thank you, people who say "autumn" instead of "fall,"

for being the same people

who won't stop talking about traveling abroad

in Bar-the-Lona.

[ Laughter and applause ]

Come on. -Come on.

-Barcelona.

"Oh, we had such a great time in Bar-the-Lona."

[ Laughter ]

[ Melancholy music playing ]

Thank you, 25th anniversary of the TV show "Friends" --

[Cheering and applause]

Or the 26th if you're counting that year

that we were on a break!

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Nice call back.

-Thank you.

[ Melancholy music playing ]

Thank you, people singing the national anthem

at sporting events,

for answering the question,

"What would it sound like to hear 30,000 people

mumble the word 'ramparts'"?

[ Laughter ]

O'er the... [Mumbling]

What's a -- What's a rampart?

-Rampart? -What's a rampart?

-Do you know what a rampart is?

-It's like a, uh, ramp...

that leads up to a battlement.

-No, that is not true. -What is it?

-I do know what it is. No, it's for real.

-Is it part of a ramp? A ramp part?

-No.

Rampart, one word.

"O'er the ramparts we watched." Right?

-Right. Yeah, sure.

-It's a protective wall around a fort.

-Yes, that's usually at a raked angle.

[ Laughter ]

-That's true, but I mean --

[ Laughter ]

-To deflect cannon shells. -Yes, that's correct, but it --

-More the angle the wall, the thicker the cannon shells.

-Yes. So you're saying it is a ramp?

-A ramp -- a part of a ramp.

[ Laughter ]

I thought it was "Rampart: First Blood."

Is that not it? -No. That's just --

No, "Rambo: Last Blood."

-I just lost 10 grand.

[ Laughter ]

-You got to stop gambling. -To James.

-Bet James 10 grand. -You bet James $10,000?

-Yeah. I feel like a fool.

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Melancholy music playing ]

-Thank you, President Trump,

for holding a rally in New Mexico.

Or as you would first put it, "Wait, there's a new Mexico?

We have to build a wall now!

[ Applause ]

We have to build --

We have to build a rampart.

-Yeah. [ Laughter ]

We got to build a rampart..." -A virtual rampart.

-"...that fries eggs."

-"It is a virtual wall." -"Fries eggs and bacon.

[ Sizzling ]

Very loud wall.

A sizzling wall."

[ Laughter ]

[ Melancholy music playing ]

Thank you, motion-activated bathroom lights

that randomly turn off,

for making me feel like I'm landing a 747

with my pants around my ankles.

[ Laughter and applause ]

Come on. Turn it back on. -Come on!

[ Laughter and applause ]

-You have to stand. -What was that?

[ Laughter ]

[ Melancholy music playing ]

Thank you, restaurant checks that show suggested tip amounts,

for basically being a multiple-choice question

that asks, "How cheap are you?"

Thank you very much. Those are my thank-you notes.