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  • Welcome to email.

  • Tune up Theo video podcast to help you improve your business writing.

  • All right, let's first take a look at this email and see what the writer is trying to dio.

  • Kenny works for a company that makes bathroom fixtures or equipment that you install in a bathroom.

  • He's writing to his colleague John about the design of a product they're developing.

  • For a client, the product is a shower screen or a door built into a shower to keep water inside.

  • So this is an internal email, which means Kenny's approach needs to be informal and direct while remaining polite and professional.

  • Let's begin by making some changes to the mechanics of this message.

  • We can start by adding a bit to the salutation.

  • Even though this is an internal email and it's fairly informal, Kenny needs to have something here.

  • Besides the readers name.

  • If we add hello and then a comma, we have a greeting that's very appropriate for this type of message.

  • This is a short opening paragraph, which is probably a good thing because Kenny wants to get to the point quickly.

  • He identifies briefly the product he wants to discuss.

  • If we make a couple of simple grammar changes will have a very clear introduction to the rest of the email.

  • The first sentence should read have developed instead of develop.

  • We're using the present perfect tense here because we're talking about a process that has already finished.

  • But the time is not specified.

  • And in second sentence here we have a noun customization, which should really be an adjective since it modifies this noun phrase shower screen.

  • So let's change this to customized The next paragraph is a little more complicated because Kenny's talking about details of the design for this item.

  • This phrase, the main changes or add isn't parallel.

  • We want this first word changes, which is a plural noun to match the second word.

  • Yeah, which is a verb.

  • So let's change this to additions, which is another plural now to make the meaning clear.

  • Er, we should probably add a phrase here we have made, and this proposition all phrase two original design needs an article, so it becomes to the original design.

  • In the second half of the sentence.

  • Kenny talks about what these changes or additions are.

  • The glass thickness change from 8 to 10 millimeters.

  • For this to work is a correct English sentence.

  • We need to make it into a noun phrase that the glass thickness has changed, and this expression market need is usually plural in English.

  • So let's change it to needs moving on to the next sentence.

  • We also need to customize dimension.

  • Since the shower door has more than one dimension, for example, length, width and thickness.

  • We should make this plural and add an article.

  • Next, we need to add a definite article the before with so it becomes the wit.

  • Since this follows a colon, we don't need to capitalize the first word.

  • We also need an indefinite article A before these measurements 1.0 to 1.6 meters.

  • This next sentence, which begins but above 1.6 meters, is really a sentence fragment.

  • So let's use a comma toe link these two sentences together.

  • We don't really need this word dimension, so let's take it out and put in something.

  • We do need another article, the shower doors.

  • And since doors is plural, this Ferb needs should be plural as well.

  • We have to change it to need.

  • Kenny says that for these very wide showers.

  • The doors need to be designed case by case, meaning that each item has to be designed differently.

  • Let's change this to the more standard form of this expression, which is on a case by case basis.

  • Notice what I've done here.

  • This adjective case by case is actually three separate words connected by hyphens.

  • That's what we usually do with adjectives in English if they're made of more than one word.

  • Finally, we need an article the before support brace in the next sentence, we should correct the verb tense again.

  • Add should be present.

  • Perfect have added, and we need a couple of articles here, too.

  • A bottom clip.

  • The glass panel.

  • Now take a look at the last paragraph.

  • Once more, we need the present perfect tense here have attached, and this word instruction should be plural instructions.

  • In the second sentence, we have some very confusing grammar at the end during I developed trilogy.

  • Let's just take this out and make it into a noun phrase during the development of Trilogy, and it looks like this word question should be plural questions.

  • Finally, we need a comma after regards, Let's jump back to the top of this email and start working on style.

  • The first change that I'd make would be to add some information to this first sentence.

  • We already know that trilogy is a shower door, so we can state that specifically Instead of saying we have developed trilogy, we can say we have developed but trilogy shower door and we can also improve the clarity of this sentence if we spell out NZ, which stands for New Zealand.

  • If you look at the two sentences that make up this paragraph, you'll see that they express very similar ideas.

  • So it's probably better to combine them into a single sentence, using as as a linking word and to avoid repeating ourselves.

  • Because we've already used the expression shower door.

  • Let's take out shower screen and change it to product.

  • In a practical email like this, one of the best ways to organize ideas is by using bullets or numbered points to begin a bulleted list which in this case is a list of changes to the product design.

  • We could start with the phrase as follows and then a colon.

  • Then we can create bullet points below.

  • I'll break this paragraph into three bullet points, one for each change and then go back to work on the style of each point.

  • For the first point, we could be more specific by saying, but the glass thickness has changed to meet local market needs for the second point.

  • It sounds more natural if we take just because of support, brace length and change it to do to the support brace length.

  • It's also going to sound a little more natural.

  • If we take this final phrase support brace length and rearranged a little bit, we can say length of the support brace in the third point.

  • We can bring our list to a conclusion by beginning with the word finally.

  • Now, if you look at this last sentence, you can see it's a little bit unclear.

  • This verb fix in English can mean either to repair something that's broken or toe hold something in place here.

  • We're not talking about a broken item, so let's rephrase this.

  • We can say toehold, the glass panel in position.

  • Looking at the last paragraph, we see that Kenny is really doing two different things in the first sentence.

  • He explains that he's attaching some reference materials for John, along with his email.

  • Then in the next two sentences.

  • He thanks John for his help on the project and invites him to ask questions.

  • Those two sentences make a very natural closing paragraph, so let's break them out now.

  • In this last paragraph, we should try to avoid repeating words like Development and trilogy, which we've already used up above.

  • We can change the development of trilogy to the design process.

  • Now the tone of this email is already pretty good.

  • Most of it sounds just the way it informal internal memo ought to sound clear, concise and friendly.

  • But we can still make a few improvements.

  • It's not completely clear from the original email, but it looks as if Kenny is explaining some changes he's made to his colleague John's designed for this product.

  • We always want to use a you attitude in business emails, so let's bring John back into the story by making the second sentence read.

  • You're original design where we really need a few changes, though, are in the closing paragraph.

  • We don't want to be too flattering because it sounds insincere, so let's take out great and make it thank you for your support.

  • It's also going to sound a bit more formal and businesslike if we start this sentence with I appreciate.

  • At the same time, we also want to convey some enthusiasm and excitement about the project that Kenny and John are cooperating on.

  • Let's add a phrase to remind John of the next step, and we're excited to be moving on to the production stage.

  • Finally, the sentence inviting questions might sound a little too uncertain, especially since Kenny would probably prefer not to have John request any major changes to the design.

  • So let's bring please let me know up to the front and follow it with.

  • If you have any comments on the above changes by asking for comments instead of questions can he can avoid giving John the expectation that he should ask for major new changes?

  • Okay, now we've got a finalized version of this email.

  • It's short, direct and informal, and it organizes Kenny's ideas clearly by using bullet points.

Welcome to email.

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B1 中級

ET 05 電子郵件調整--ESL商務英語寫作課程。 (ET 05 Email Tune-up - Business English Writing Lesson for ESL)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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