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(Cue: Invader - Jim Johnston)
Wiz: Sometimes, an archaeologist needs a bit more than a shovel and brush, especially when they're on the hunt for the most legendary of treasure.
Boomstick: Yeah, if it were that easy, everyone would be doing it.
The best treasure hunters are the ones with the brawn to match their brain.
Wiz: Like Lara Croft, the Tomb Raider.
Boomstick: And Nathan Drake, seeker of the uncharted.
He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE.
Most people spend their entire lives in pursuit of wealth,
status and power. But Lara Croft was lucky enough to be
born into them.
However, despite attending the best schools and living in her own mansion,
she was missing one crucial thing:
Boomstick: Man, rich people are always looking for
some crazy way to help keep themselves entertained.
But if you have a lot of money and you take a lot of trips,
it's good odds that one of those trips is bound to go horribly wrong.
Wiz: And guess what? It did.
Boomstick: Before she was even old enough to order a drink,
a crash landing left her stranded in desolation.
She had to learn how for herself how to adapt and survive
for over a week before returning to civilization as a whole new lady.
Wiz: In whatever Tomb Raider timeline you're looking at,
whether it's on an island or the Himalayas,
Lara's destined to this life-changing fate.
Boomstick: I'm never getting on a plane with her!
Wiz: Surprisingly, Lara's experience left her far from
traumatized. Instead, she was inspired,
hooked by the thrill of perilous adventure.
So she struck out on her own, seeking lost treasure across
the globe to make a name for herself.
Boomstick: But Lara's no fool. So first she made sure she'd be ready for anything.
She tracked down the best teachers she could find to
learn her the ways of stealth, survival, and martial arts.
Wiz: She became proficient in numerous types of firearms,
and her martial art of choice appears very reminiscent to kickboxing.
She can even fight while blindfolded!
Boomstick: So she's basically Batman who treasure hunts with guns!
Speaking of which, Lara is famous for her trademark dual Heckler and Koch pistols.
And I'm not talkin' about the things under her sweater.
But she's also skilled with shotguns, assault rifles, sub-machine guns, even grenades!
And she uses them to take down everything from armed thugs to T-Rexes!
Wiz: Lara is also skilled with a competition compound bow, perfect for stealth kills.
Boomstick: And she's got enough trick arrows to make Green Arrow proud.
She's got fire arrows, poison arrows, explosive tipped arrows, and even rope arrows for crossing gaps or grappling things.
And while her climbing axe is supposed to be used for scaling up cliffs, you can imagine what the thing does to a human skull.
Oh wait, you don't have to - watch!
Wiz: Gruesome murder aside, Lara's extensive training paid off in big ways.
She's discovered the legendary blade Excalibur, the Philosopher's Stone, the Ark of the Covenant, Thor's hammer, Mjolnir, and even Bigfoot, whom she also promptly killed.
Boomstick: Suck it, Sasquatch, she's survived dinosaurs, the Kraken, a Chinese dragon, and she even found the long lost Led Zeppelin song, "Stairway to Heaven".
No, no, no, she found a literal stairway to Heaven.
Wiz: For a 132-pound woman, she's surprisingly strong.
She's held up a heavy gate for thirty-six straight seconds, while drowning. She also regularly pushes around enormous boulders, like the giant blocks in the Pyramid of Giza.
This makes her easily strong enough to, say, punch a man through a wooden beam.
Boomstick: Lara's also a crack shot. She can precisely tag multiple targets in less than a second, even if they're button-sized bolts or kunai flying through the air.
Wiz: She's skilled enough to infiltrate and escape Area 51. She's tenacious enough to take a bullet in the heat of battle and keep fighting.
And she's tough enough to dive off a 250-foot cliff into water, with no injury whatsoever.
The highest documented dive ever recorded is 193 feet, but unlike Lara, this diver underwent weeks of preparation and still broke his collarbone.
Boomstick: Hell, this girl can survive almost anything.
When she was younger, she got impaled by a rusty metal spike, and was still able to complete an entire adventure while in constant pain.
Wiz: She wasn't even able to properly treat it, she had to cauterize it with a burning arrow tip.
Boomstick; Damn, that's hardcore! I think I've found my next ex-wife.
And then there was that one time she threw her climbing axe at a helicopter, and it just...it just exploded!
Wiz: Yeah, the only logical explanation being she threw the axe into the chopper's air intake, shredded it's internals, which caused a spark that reached it's gas tank...
Boomstick: She made the helicopter explode with nothing but an axe!
That girl's got one hell of an arm.
Wiz: I think we can all agree Lara is a badass, but she thinks so too, and can get a bit reckless.
Boomstick: If she gets too full of it, she could always find herself at the wrong end of a tree branch, crushed by boulders, mauled by wolves, shot in the head, stabbed through the face...all sorts of horrific, fatal mistakes.
Wiz; Even knowing that, the risk doesn't keep her from any of her bewildering adventures.
Lara: Don't you think you've seen enough?
Wiz: Sic Parvis Magna. To most people these words hold little meaning.
But for globetrotting explorer Nathan Drake, it's his life motto. "Greatness from small beginnings."
Boomstick: And beginnings don't get much smaller than his.
Little Nate spent half his childhood in a boy's home where he was raised by nuns, picked on by bullies, and pretty much just hated for every second of his life.
Wiz: Nathan found solace in his fascination with history, particularly the explorer who found El Dorado: Sir Frances Drake.
And like his idol, Nathan dreamed of one day escaping the orphanage to go on treasure hunts of his own.
Boomstick: And he did with his big brother Sam.
The treasure? Their dead mom's old journals about Mr. Drake himself.
Turns out they were in some old lady's house so they broke in, she called the cops and then immediately died of a heart attack.
Wiz: Obviously not wanting to be caught trespassing and standing over a dead woman when the police arrived, Nathan began a life on the run.
Boomstick: Talk about shitty luck. Man, all he wanted was a book!
Wiz: Fortunately, Nathan seemed born for the treasure hunter's life.
He's exceptionally athletic, has encyclopedic historical knowledge, and can find a way out of almost any bad situation with his quick wit.
Boomstick: He'd make sure that everyone would remember the name: Nathan Drake.
Wiz: After several solo adventures, Nathan Drake eventually teamed up with Victor Sullivan, a former Navy officer turned expert con artist.
Sully taught Nathan the ways of combat, both with his fists and with firearms.
Boomstick: Good thing too, because it seems like everybody out there wants to take a shot at Nate.
He almost always has a .45 Defender or 9-millimeter pistol on hand,
as well as a couple of grenades. Nate can rack up the body count with just about any weapon he touches,
including machine guns, shotguns, grenade launchers and sniper rifles.
Hey, when there's a literal army of bad guys out to kill, you gotta become a one man army yourself.
Wiz: Ready for anything, Nathan set out to follow in his idol's footsteps and then some.
He's discovered five lost civilizations, stopped multiple world ending threats, and even unlocked the secret of El Dorado like Sir Francis Drake before him.
Boomstick: Yeah, turns out it's not a city of gold, just a dead guy that turns people into zombies!
Didn't see that one coming.
Anyway, Nate wouldn't have done any of those things if he weren't physically fit for the job.
He's strong enough to move boulders twice his size, and hold up a four ton gate for four seconds.
He can climb huge cliffs with nothing but his fingertips, and constantly jumps humongous gaps without needing a running start.
Wiz: The standing broad jump world record is twelve feet and three inches.
In this instance, Nathan Drake was able to make a nineteen-foot jump from a standstill - nineteen feet!
And he's always clearing similar jumps throughout his adventures.
Boomstick: Nate's got hops, but he's also got an iron hide.
The dude is constantly falling dozens of feet, and just shaking it off, like that time he did a forty-foot belly flop and got right back up like it was nothing. That could kill a normal guy.
Wiz: Nathan Drake is nothing if not determined. When he found himself cornered on a train and bleeding out from a bullet wound, his solution was to simply blow the whole thing to oblivion.
Boomstick: What a convenient pile of propane tanks.
Wiz: But of course, he survived the crash, and even climbed to safety, despite having no way of knowing he'd get out of this whole mess alive at all.
Boomstick: On top of all that, look what he's wearing!
It's freezing up there!
Wiz: Actually, explosions seem to be his exit of choice, like when he blew up a cargo plane while flying over Saudi Arabia.
Boomstick: After surviving the trip to the ground, he wandered the desert for two straight days with zero food or water.
But even with all that, when he found a bunch of mercenaries who wanted to kill him, he was still able to fight them off.
How is this guy real? What kind of deal did he make with Satan? 'Cause he should know that that stuff comes with a terrible price.
Wiz: All of this just proves how careless and haphazard Nathan really is.
This man rarely, if ever, has a plan for anything at any point. Nearly every moment of his life, whether he's in or out of danger,
Nathan's philosophy insists that he simply roll with whatever punches come his way.
When it comes down to it, much of his survivability can be chalked up to an abundance of good luck.
Boomstick: And also, his incredible knack for improvising and adapting.
Lucky or not, hundreds, if not thousands of bad guys have tried to beat him to some treasure, and lost.
It's good odds that if you go up against Nathan Drake, you're not just gonna lose that treasure - you're gonna lose your life.
Chloe Frazer: What the hell did you do back there?
Nathan: Oh, you know...saved the world.
Wiz: All right, the combatants are set.
Let's end this debate once and for all!
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But right now...IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!