And this is a story that I really don't want to tell, because...

這是我不太想說的故事，因為⋯⋯

Well, it's pretty damn embarrassing.

真的很丟臉。

But that's never stopped me before, so here we go.

但以前我也會講丟臉的事，所以我要說啦。

So, a few years ago, my parents decided to have a barbecue in their backyard for Father's Day.

幾年前，我的父母決定在後院烤肉，慶祝父親節。

And, of course, being the good son that I am, I show up and I give my dad a present.

當然，身為一個好兒子，我現身來給爸爸禮物。

And that year, it just so happened to be front-row tickets to see the Tigers lose to the Yankees.

而那年的禮物，剛好是老虎隊輸給洋基隊的前排座位。

And overall, this cookout was going pretty well.

整體來說，那次烤肉蠻不錯的。

I'm over there mingling with a couple of my parents' friends.

我在那裡跟一些爸媽的朋友寒暄。

"So, what is it that you do for a living?"

「所以你做什麼維生啊？」

"I... uh... make shitty cartoons about my life and then put them on YouTube."

「我⋯⋯呃⋯⋯把我的生活畫成很爛的卡通，然後放在 YouTube 上。」

"Oh, I see. So, you're unemployed. That's pretty neat."

「噢，我知道了，所以你失業，正點。」

But things start taking a turn for the worse when my dad starts making cocktails for the party⏤some rum and Cokes, if you will.

但我爸開始做雞尾酒時，事情就開始變糟了。要說是蘭姆可樂也行。

And how my dad makes a rum and Coke is, he pours a half a liter of rum into the biggest cup he can find, and then he waves an unopened bottle of Coca-Cola over it like a magic wand.

我爸做蘭姆可樂的方法是，先把半公升的蘭姆酒倒入他能找到的最大的杯子裡，接著用沒開的可口可樂敲敲杯子，像魔杖一樣。

At least that's what it seemed like, because these goddamn drinks were strong as hell.

至少感覺他是這樣做出來的，因為那些天殺的飲料實在太濃了。

And he was using some cheap-ass rum on top of it.

而且他總是用超便宜的蘭姆酒。

He wasn't using Captain Morgan.

他才不會用摩根船長蘭姆酒。

Hell, he wasn't using Admiral Nelson either.

也不會用霍雷肖納爾遜蘭姆酒。

I don't know what rank the goddamn pirate was on the bottle, but I can tell you it wasn't very high.

我不知道瓶子上的海盜是用什麼來排名，但我爸用的排名一定不高。

It was probably something like, "Just Got On The Boat Jerry".

那海盜應該會像什麼「剛上船的 Jerry」。

"Rum that will be sure to put your dick in the dirt!"

「會讓你倒地不起的蘭姆酒！」

So, I'm indulging myself, but every time I finish a drink, my dad makes me another one.

所以我在放縱自己，每次喝完一杯，我爸又會給我一杯。

And every new drink that he gives me is bigger than the last one.

每一杯酒都比上次的還要大杯。

"Hey, you want your next drink in a salad bowl or this five-gallon bucket?"

「嘿，你下杯酒想裝在沙拉碗裡，還是用這個五加侖的桶子裝？」

"Hell, I could inflate a baby pool and just dump it in there, if you want."

「天殺的，我可以直接把小的充氣泳池打氣，把酒倒進去給你喝。」

So, two hours later, all of a sudden, I'm drunker than ten stepdads put together.

兩個小時後，我就突然比十個繼父加起來還要醉。

Now, just how drunk was I? Well, I can tell you that (at) some point in the middle of the cookout, I got a random nosebleed and my drunk ass didn't realize it until somebody was like, "Hey, you idiot! Your fucking face is bleeding!"

我醉的程度已經到這樣：在派對途中我突然流鼻血，但醉醺醺的我根本沒感覺，直到有人說：「嘿，你個白癡！你的臉在流血啦！」

Now, this part of the story gets a little hazy, since "Just Got On The Boat Jerry" has been kicking my dick in all afternoon.

故事到這邊變得有點模糊，因為「剛上船的 Jerry」整個下午都在灌醉我。

But according to my parents' testimonial the next day, apparently, I walked into the bathroom, bled all over the place like a wounded animal, somehow broke their goddamn sink off the wall, and then strolled out like nothing ever happened, while their bathroom looked like a goddamn homicide scene.

根據我父母隔天的說詞，我走進了廁所，像受傷的動物血流滿地，不知怎地還弄壞他們的水槽，接著像沒事發生一樣走出去，留下像殺人現場的廁所。

I walk into the backyard with a wad of toilet paper crammed up my nose, covered in blood.

我走進後院，鼻子塞著一團都是血的衛生紙。

Everybody's looking at me like I just left the scene of a fucking car accident.

每個人都看著我，好像我剛剛離開他 X 的車禍現場。

I go to sit down on a chair that apparently didn't exist.

我走去坐在椅子上，結果根本沒有我以為的椅子。

And I bust my ass in front of the whole backyard.

我直接在所有人面前摔在後院。

"Well, I bet he doesn't make a shitty YouTube cartoon about this."

「哈，我賭他不會做這個故事的卡通。」

"I bet you I will, God damn it!"

「當然會啊，天殺的！」

"Holy hell, did somebody slip him a roofie or what?!"

「我 X ！是有人塞毒品給他嗎？！」

"We need to get his goofy ass out of here!"

「我們得把這白癡弄出這裡！」

So, my dad has to drive me home that day and drop me off like it's my first day of school and shit.

所以我爸載我回家，就像第一天上學那樣放我下車。

"So, uh... thanks for making an ass of yourself in front of all my friends."

「所以⋯⋯謝謝你在我所有朋友面前讓我出糗。」

"Oh, and thanks for the Tiger tickets, too!"

「噢，也很感謝你老虎隊的票！」

So now it's four in the afternoon.

所以現在是下午四點。

I'm passed out in my bed, all stepdad-drunk.

我暈倒在床上，醉到不行。

All of a sudden, I wake up, and I realize that I have to take a piss.

突然間，我清醒了，意識到我要尿尿。

But I'm pretty sure if I stand up, I'll either throw up or I'll shit my pants.

但我很確定如果我站起來的話，我不是會吐、就是會拉在褲子上。

Probably both, if we're honest with each other.

誠實說的話，可能兩件事都會發生。

So, in a last ditch effort, I roll to my side, unzip my pants, and I piss onto my bed.

所以我用最後一絲力氣，滾到旁邊，解開我的褲子，尿在床上。

I'm not sure what my logic was, but somehow that was a better option than pissing in my pants.

我很確定當時的邏輯是，這比直接尿在褲子裡好吧！

As if I could explain to myself later, like, "Oh, no, you didn't piss the bed, you pissed onto your bed!"

我之後就可以這麼解釋：「噢不，你沒有尿床，你是在床上尿尿。」

"And that's better, somehow, I think."

「這不知為何比較好。」

So I fall back asleep on my now piss-stained mattress, and I don't wake up again until 9 o'clock at night.

所以我在被尿弄髒的床上繼續睡，隔天晚上九點才起床。

And let me tell you, I felt like death.

讓我告訴你，我覺得我死了。

I felt like somebody murdered me, and then brought me back to life, and then took a piss on me to top it all off.

感覺像有人謀殺了我，接著讓我起死回生，然後在我身上尿尿。

And at first, it didn't even register what I had just done.

一開始我甚至不記得自己做過什麼。

Hell, it all felt like a dream to me.

一切都像場夢。

"Surely I didn't whip my dick out and piss onto my own bed!"

「我當然沒有把屌拿出來，在床上尿尿啊！」

"Why would I do such a thing?"

「我為何要這麼做？」

But if that was all just a dream, I had quite a few things to explain.

但如果真的只是夢，有些事情就欠解釋了。

Like, why all my bed sheets were all wet?

像為何我的床單都是濕的？

Or why my whole bedroom smelled like a goddamn port-o-potty.

為什麼我的房間聞起來像是他 X 的流動廁所？

Or, you know, why my dick was still out, because I never bothered to zip back up.

還有為何我的屌會在外面，因為我根本沒想過要把拉鍊拉回去。

"Oh, God damn it, I did piss onto my own bed!"

「噢，天殺的！我真的尿在床上！」

"What am I, some kind of wild animal?"

「我是某種野生動物嗎？」

So needless to say, I took a shower that night.

無須多說的是，我那天晚上有洗澡。

And I also took a long hard look at my life.

我也嚴格檢視了我的人生。

"Nobody will ever know that this happened."

「沒人會知道這發生過。」

"I will never ever tell this story to anybody!"

「我永遠不會說這個故事！」

So, Happy Father's Day out there to all the dads and stepdads, and remember, the moral of the story is: "Don't slam down a bunch of bottom-shelf booze on Father's Day because you'll probably piss on your own bed like a wild animal!"

祝天下的爸爸和繼父父親節快樂，記得這故事的教訓：「不要在父親節喝掉一堆酒，因為你可能會像野生動物尿在床上！」

The end.

結束。

[Special thanks to: Dana Shaw, Andy Hyun.]

特別感謝：Dana Shaw 和 Andy Hyun。

[Special thanks to these and many more other patrons!]

[特別感謝贊助者！]