Placeholder Image

字幕列表 影片播放

已審核 字幕已審核
  • Alright, now since Father's Day is right around the corner, I figured I'd tell a story that happened on Father's Day a few years ago.

    好的,既然父親節快到了,我來說個故事吧,這故事發生在幾年前的父親節。

  • And this is a story that I really don't want to tell, because...

    這是我不太想說的故事,因為⋯⋯

  • Well, it's pretty damn embarrassing.

    真的很丟臉。

  • But that's never stopped me before, so here we go.

    但以前我也會講丟臉的事,所以我要說啦。

  • So, a few years ago, my parents decided to have a barbecue in their backyard for Father's Day.

    幾年前,我的父母決定在後院烤肉,慶祝父親節。

  • And, of course, being the good son that I am, I show up and I give my dad a present.

    當然,身為一個好兒子,我現身來給爸爸禮物。

  • And that year, it just so happened to be front-row tickets to see the Tigers lose to the Yankees.

    而那年的禮物,剛好是老虎隊輸給洋基隊的前排座位。

  • And overall, this cookout was going pretty well.

    整體來說,那次烤肉蠻不錯的。

  • I'm over there mingling with a couple of my parents' friends.

    我在那裡跟一些爸媽的朋友寒暄。

  • "So, what is it that you do for a living?"

    「所以你做什麼維生啊?」

  • "I... uh... make shitty cartoons about my life and then put them on YouTube."

    「我⋯⋯呃⋯⋯把我的生活畫成很爛的卡通,然後放在 YouTube 上。」

  • "Oh, I see. So, you're unemployed. That's pretty neat."

    「噢,我知道了,所以你失業,正點。」

  • But things start taking a turn for the worse when my dad starts making cocktails for the partysome rum and Cokes, if you will.

    但我爸開始做雞尾酒時,事情就開始變糟了。要說是蘭姆可樂也行。

  • And how my dad makes a rum and Coke is, he pours a half a liter of rum into the biggest cup he can find, and then he waves an unopened bottle of Coca-Cola over it like a magic wand.

    我爸做蘭姆可樂的方法是,先把半公升的蘭姆酒倒入他能找到的最大的杯子裡,接著用沒開的可口可樂敲敲杯子,像魔杖一樣。

  • At least that's what it seemed like, because these goddamn drinks were strong as hell.

    至少感覺他是這樣做出來的,因為那些天殺的飲料實在太濃了。

  • And he was using some cheap-ass rum on top of it.

    而且他總是用超便宜的蘭姆酒。

  • He wasn't using Captain Morgan.

    他才不會用摩根船長蘭姆酒。

  • Hell, he wasn't using Admiral Nelson either.

    也不會用霍雷肖納爾遜蘭姆酒。

  • I don't know what rank the goddamn pirate was on the bottle, but I can tell you it wasn't very high.

    我不知道瓶子上的海盜是用什麼來排名,但我爸用的排名一定不高。

  • It was probably something like, "Just Got On The Boat Jerry".

    那海盜應該會像什麼「剛上船的 Jerry」。

  • "Rum that will be sure to put your dick in the dirt!"

    「會讓你倒地不起的蘭姆酒!」

  • So, I'm indulging myself, but every time I finish a drink, my dad makes me another one.

    所以我在放縱自己,每次喝完一杯,我爸又會給我一杯。

  • And every new drink that he gives me is bigger than the last one.

    每一杯酒都比上次的還要大杯。

  • "Hey, you want your next drink in a salad bowl or this five-gallon bucket?"

    「嘿,你下杯酒想裝在沙拉碗裡,還是用這個五加侖的桶子裝?」

  • "Hell, I could inflate a baby pool and just dump it in there, if you want."

    「天殺的,我可以直接把小的充氣泳池打氣,把酒倒進去給你喝。」

  • So, two hours later, all of a sudden, I'm drunker than ten stepdads put together.

    兩個小時後,我就突然比十個繼父加起來還要醉。

  • Now, just how drunk was I? Well, I can tell you that (at) some point in the middle of the cookout, I got a random nosebleed and my drunk ass didn't realize it until somebody was like, "Hey, you idiot! Your fucking face is bleeding!"

    我醉的程度已經到這樣:在派對途中我突然流鼻血,但醉醺醺的我根本沒感覺,直到有人說:「嘿,你個白癡!你的臉在流血啦!」

  • Now, this part of the story gets a little hazy, since "Just Got On The Boat Jerry" has been kicking my dick in all afternoon.

    故事到這邊變得有點模糊,因為「剛上船的 Jerry」整個下午都在灌醉我。

  • But according to my parents' testimonial the next day, apparently, I walked into the bathroom, bled all over the place like a wounded animal, somehow broke their goddamn sink off the wall, and then strolled out like nothing ever happened, while their bathroom looked like a goddamn homicide scene.

    根據我父母隔天的說詞,我走進了廁所,像受傷的動物血流滿地,不知怎地還弄壞他們的水槽,接著像沒事發生一樣走出去,留下像殺人現場的廁所。

  • I walk into the backyard with a wad of toilet paper crammed up my nose, covered in blood.

    我走進後院,鼻子塞著一團都是血的衛生紙。

  • Everybody's looking at me like I just left the scene of a fucking car accident.

    每個人都看著我,好像我剛剛離開他 X 的車禍現場。

  • I go to sit down on a chair that apparently didn't exist.

    我走去坐在椅子上,結果根本沒有我以為的椅子。

  • And I bust my ass in front of the whole backyard.

    我直接在所有人面前摔在後院。

  • "Well, I bet he doesn't make a shitty YouTube cartoon about this."

    「哈,我賭他不會做這個故事的卡通。」

  • "I bet you I will, God damn it!"

    「當然會啊,天殺的!」

  • "Holy hell, did somebody slip him a roofie or what?!"

    「我 X !是有人塞毒品給他嗎?!」

  • "We need to get his goofy ass out of here!"

    「我們得把這白癡弄出這裡!」

  • So, my dad has to drive me home that day and drop me off like it's my first day of school and shit.

    所以我爸載我回家,就像第一天上學那樣放我下車。

  • "So, uh... thanks for making an ass of yourself in front of all my friends."

    「所以⋯⋯謝謝你在我所有朋友面前讓我出糗。」

  • "Oh, and thanks for the Tiger tickets, too!"

    「噢,也很感謝你老虎隊的票!」

  • So now it's four in the afternoon.

    所以現在是下午四點。

  • I'm passed out in my bed, all stepdad-drunk.

    我暈倒在床上,醉到不行。

  • All of a sudden, I wake up, and I realize that I have to take a piss.

    突然間,我清醒了,意識到我要尿尿。

  • But I'm pretty sure if I stand up, I'll either throw up or I'll shit my pants.

    但我很確定如果我站起來的話,我不是會吐、就是會拉在褲子上。

  • Probably both, if we're honest with each other.

    誠實說的話,可能兩件事都會發生。

  • So, in a last ditch effort, I roll to my side, unzip my pants, and I piss onto my bed.

    所以我用最後一絲力氣,滾到旁邊,解開我的褲子,尿在床上。

  • I'm not sure what my logic was, but somehow that was a better option than pissing in my pants.

    我很確定當時的邏輯是,這比直接尿在褲子裡好吧!

  • As if I could explain to myself later, like, "Oh, no, you didn't piss the bed, you pissed onto your bed!"

    我之後就可以這麼解釋:「噢不,你沒有尿床,你是在床上尿尿。」

  • "And that's better, somehow, I think."

    「這不知為何比較好。」

  • So I fall back asleep on my now piss-stained mattress, and I don't wake up again until 9 o'clock at night.

    所以我在被尿弄髒的床上繼續睡,隔天晚上九點才起床。

  • And let me tell you, I felt like death.

    讓我告訴你,我覺得我死了。

  • I felt like somebody murdered me, and then brought me back to life, and then took a piss on me to top it all off.

    感覺像有人謀殺了我,接著讓我起死回生,然後在我身上尿尿。

  • And at first, it didn't even register what I had just done.

    一開始我甚至不記得自己做過什麼。

  • Hell, it all felt like a dream to me.

    一切都像場夢。

  • "Surely I didn't whip my dick out and piss onto my own bed!"

    「我當然沒有把屌拿出來,在床上尿尿啊!」

  • "Why would I do such a thing?"

    「我為何要這麼做?」

  • But if that was all just a dream, I had quite a few things to explain.

    但如果真的只是夢,有些事情就欠解釋了。

  • Like, why all my bed sheets were all wet?

    像為何我的床單都是濕的?

  • Or why my whole bedroom smelled like a goddamn port-o-potty.

    為什麼我的房間聞起來像是他 X 的流動廁所?

  • Or, you know, why my dick was still out, because I never bothered to zip back up.

    還有為何我的屌會在外面,因為我根本沒想過要把拉鍊拉回去。

  • "Oh, God damn it, I did piss onto my own bed!"

    「噢,天殺的!我真的尿在床上!」

  • "What am I, some kind of wild animal?"

    「我是某種野生動物嗎?」

  • So needless to say, I took a shower that night.

    無須多說的是,我那天晚上有洗澡。

  • And I also took a long hard look at my life.

    我也嚴格檢視了我的人生。

  • "Nobody will ever know that this happened."

    「沒人會知道這發生過。」

  • "I will never ever tell this story to anybody!"

    「我永遠不會說這個故事!」

  • So, Happy Father's Day out there to all the dads and stepdads, and remember, the moral of the story is: "Don't slam down a bunch of bottom-shelf booze on Father's Day because you'll probably piss on your own bed like a wild animal!"

    祝天下的爸爸和繼父父親節快樂,記得這故事的教訓:「不要在父親節喝掉一堆酒,因為你可能會像野生動物尿在床上!」

  • The end.

    結束。

  • [Special thanks to: Dana Shaw, Andy Hyun.]

    特別感謝:Dana Shaw 和 Andy Hyun。

  • [Special thanks to these and many more other patrons!]

    [特別感謝贊助者!]

Alright, now since Father's Day is right around the corner, I figured I'd tell a story that happened on Father's Day a few years ago.

好的,既然父親節快到了,我來說個故事吧,這故事發生在幾年前的父親節。

字幕與單字
已審核 字幕已審核

單字即點即查 點擊單字可以查詢單字解釋

B1 中級 中文 美國腔 蘭姆酒 故事 後院 白癡 廁所 褲子

超爆笑!史上最慘的父親節 (Brewstew - Father's Day)

  • 8498 209
    lauren.huang 發佈於 2020 年 08 月 07 日
影片單字