**Fake laser gun sounds**

嗶嗶嗶嗶嗶嗶

The most legitimate news source on the Internet.

網絡上最可靠的新聞媒體

*More fake laser gun noises*

嗶嗶嗶嗶嗶嗶

[News Theme]

Pew新聞 探討網絡趣聞 報道實時熱點

Pew News, the place where we talk about things that happen on the internet. Topics that are of interest.

第一則新聞: J.K.羅琳最近受到輿論攻擊

News number one: J.K. Rowling is under the, the fire lately.

‘’J.K. 羅琳 回應鄧布利多是gay的爭議‘’

J.K. Rowling responds to gay Dumbledore controversy.

J.K. 羅琳 是一位傑出的作家

J.K. Rowling the wonderful author who didn't take a second before calling me out publicly for being a fascist.

公開譴責我的時候眼睛都沒眨一下 說我是法西斯

Thank you. Thank you J.K.

謝謝 衷心感謝你 J.K

*Kiss*

麼麼噠

Basically, what happened was that J.K. Rowling,

簡單來說 J.K.羅琳是什麼呢?

The queen of afterthought, after writing seven books,

她是馬後炮女王 寫完7本書後

She... she thought it would be nice that if Dumbledore, without any hint in any of the seven books

她覺得這樣會不錯.....

That Dumbledore, one of the main characters was a homosexual.

在7本書完全沒有伏筆的情況下 主要角色之一的鄧不利多

A nice little afterthought, you know of course and you know why?

是同性戀

Because they're no different. That's why that's how genius I am.

這是一個很不錯的馬後炮嘛

Because,

當然 知道為什麼嗎?

They're no different from normal people. That's why I don't even have to write it in.

因為直和彎都是一樣的 沒錯 我就是這麼的天才

I will however, take all the glory for being — *chuckle*

因為

for being so forward thinking, you are welcome. So now that the new movies are coming out with Dumbledore's past or,

直和彎都一樣 所以我不用在書裡寫出來

his previous character as young. It was exposed that none of that will be shown.

但是呢 你們要誇獎我 *咳

*Laughs*

因為我思想是如此前衛

Dumbledore, will in fact not be displaying

不客氣

Uh, that he is into boys.

現在哈利波特新作要上映了 講述鄧布利多的過去

And J.K. Rowling sort of responded to, uh, people's criticism about this, people weren't too happy.

講述年輕時的鄧布不多 聽說這部片會對他是gay的事實隻字不提

Kind of calling her out for her

呵呵呵

Hypocrisy that hey, I thought you said that he was a homosexual character, then why isn't he all the sudden and J.K. responded with?

電影裡不會展示鄧不利多對男性的喜愛

"I'm gonna mute you," that's how you know someone responds well to criticism when they — she won't even listen to it .

然後J.K. 羅琳對大家的批評作出了回應 因為大家都不太爽

*Laughs*

覺得她太虛偽了

J.K. Rowling, which of course also so progressively thought, yes, Hermione was actually black .

你不是說他是gay嗎?為什麼突然又不是了? 然後J.K.作出的回應是

As clearly evidence all over her seven books displayed like here... and here

'我要屏蔽你'

Here's the tragic case of me actually agreeing with Polygon

這絕對是對批評最好的回應了 她根本不會聽進去的

"Fantastic Beasts sequel needs to show Dumbledore's sexuality, not just hint at it." You have created a world with werewolves,

竊笑

wizards and all kinds of shit.

J.K.羅琳 思想這麼前衛的人 當然也會想:妙麗其實是個黑人

I don't watch Harry Potter, or read the books, but I know there's, you got magic in it, but a man

7本書里很多細節都暗示了這一點

publicly

像這裡

Displaying that he- his sexuality. That's too far.That cannot exist in this world

還有這裡(妙麗的白臉)

Thank you very much!

這次很不幸的我要讚成Polygon

It's like she wants the cake and eat it too, and people call her out on it, and she's a crybaby.

‘神奇動物系列要明確說明鄧不利多的性取向，不能只是暗示’

J.K Rowling is a lost billionaire woman who can't face criticism.

你創造了一個世界 充滿著狼人

Nothing new here.

巫師...什麼什麼的

*Laser sounds*

哈利波特的書跟電影我都沒看過 但肯定有天馬行空的魔法吧

The next news: Logan Paul went skydiving and his main parachute didn't open! ah!

但...一個男人突然公開自己性取向 這就不能接受

*Somebody touched my spaghetti!*

額嘿嘿

Oh my god!

這不能存在在這個世界上

I think that's the wrong emoji that they used, they should have used the that emoji, or perhaps....

謝謝

Many of you asked what my opinion was about Logan Paul returning to YouTube, and it's pretty simple:

她就像一次要得到兩種好處 大家說她一下她就哭了

he should be able to return, there shouldn't be any problems with it,

J.K羅琳是個擁有幾十億的女人 她從不接受批評

and I personally, I don't have any problems with it. I for one loved seeing slow-mo shots of Logan Paul with a serious face.

這也不是新鮮事了

Maybe petting his dog or uh,

嗶嗶嗶

maybe just wrapping his fingers together. That's that's what I subscribe for Logan Paul, and I'm glad that he is back

下一條:Logan Paul去跳傘時主降落傘未能打開

doing what he's doing best.

啊!

Yes, touch the stone!

歐買嘎!

Oohhhh!

我想這是用錯表情了 應該用那個 或者..

Awhh!

很多人問我怎麼看Logan Paul回歸youtube的事 這很簡單:

Can I just say, I love his haircut! It's just perfect, it just made me completely forget about everything

他有權回歸 這沒什麼問題的

I need a new haircu-. I need a new... that's better. I guess the thing about this video is that Logan Paul's

我個人覺得一點問題也沒有 我很喜歡看LP一臉正經的慢鏡頭呢

Initial video, that started all the drama, It was made.. to make himself look better in the eye of suicide.

或是摸摸他的狗

That's what he did,

又或者是搓他的手指 這就是為什麼我要訂閱LP 好開心他回歸了

He just did it so.

他又可以做他最擅長的事!

Miserably that it just completely collapsed, and at the end of the day this video was doing the same thing,

對!摸石頭!

He's trying to make himself look better in the eye of suicide

噢噢噢~

There's really no difference, but the general thing to learn here that it's okay to do that,

啊~

It's okay to benefit from suicide as long as you're doing it in the right way.

我想說 我喜歡他的髮型

One important note that I got from the video was that he met up with this

簡直是...完美! 讓我忘記了一切!

gent that survived from jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, which is

我需要一個新髮型 我需要一個新....這好多了

Obviously doesn't happen and he was met with instant regret, and he uses that to speak out against suicide,

這視頻的問題在於

And it's a great story.

LP最先的影片搞了不少事 這影片是為了讓他在自殺的層面上顯得是個好人

And it's great that he's getting featured. Basically when I was during my media storm

這就是他想做的

Everyone told me to do this exact same thing,

但他做的太過了

Everyone told me you need to meet with people, you need to travel around the world to

結果什麼都搞砸了 說到底 這個視頻也是一樣的

Interact and show people that you've learned, you need to appear on interviews,

他嘗試在他對自殺的態度上洗白

and I just,

並沒有什麼區別 但這個事情告訴我們

personally, felt that that was very disingenuous, It seemed like I'm obviously just doing it to repay my

只要是正確的方法 透過自殺話題獲利是可以的

image or to repair my image.

視頻裡讓我印象深刻的是他與這位見了面

I'm not doing it out of pure good intention

這位從金門大橋上跳下來 倖存的先生

Which sort of spoils it completely for me, and I just thought that would that's just disingenuous,

顯然是真實的經歷 他跳下來的那一刻就後悔了 後來他用這段經歷呼籲人們對自殺的關注

I don't want to do that, I would rather just show people that I've changed through my videos and time.

很精彩的故事

He also did an interview with ABC with.. Michael.

能讓他入鏡很好 當初我在經歷WSJ事件的時候

"Michael I'm 22 years old. I'm gonna be honest with you Michael. Michael

所有人都讓我這樣做

I've gotten to meet.." (Felix) Michael "So he's 100 yards away from the park and I-

每個人都告訴我 你應該去見見人 你應該去世界各地與媒體交流

It just it doesn't make any sense and

展示給大家看我改過自新了 你需要接受採訪

I- I believe it happened for a reason."

但我覺得這樣做一點也不真誠

So apparently because it was just one hundred yards from the parking lot

感覺我這樣做只是為了挽回形象

And and Logan Paul found a dead body it happened for a reason. There's a divine- Logan Paul is on a divine path of

而不是出於純粹的真心

Redemption. This all happened for a reason.

這樣做是沒意義的 我就是覺得很虛偽

Who would have thought it would have happened? No one

我不想做這些事 我寧願用時間和視頻去告訴大家我改變了

""(Interviewer) For parents out there because where you're the father thirteen year old twin girl

他還接受了ABC採訪 記者叫Michael

It's very hard to know everything that your kids watch, and there are a lot of parents

‘Michael 我22歲了 我想跟你坦誠 Michael’

(Logan)"Alot of parents" (Felix) Who are not gonna pay for your Merch anymore

'Michael我要見..'(Michael) '他(死者)離停車場只有100碼'

*evil laugh*

這完全說不通

"Every parent, I meet whose kids are under the age of like 12, I go hey

我..我相信冥冥中自有安排

You you let your kids watch my stuff?

所以在離停車場只有100碼的地方

That's right parents. Don't worry about everything that happened.

LP發現了一具屍體 這是因為冥冥中自有安排

It wasn't Logan Paul's fault

那裡有神明....

It was your fault. Okay. You should not have let your kids watch his videos

LP踏上了救贖的神聖道路

What are you stupid parents come on, man? What are you doing, parents?

這冥冥中自有安排

Obviously it's not Logan Paul's fault

有誰能想到這會發生在他身上?沒有

When you put out content like that do you realize the age of your audience? It's odd because Michael, I'm 22 years old

'對於很多父母 就比如我是兩個13歲雙胞胎的爸爸'

It's not like I'm making

父母很難得知孩子整天都在看些什麼視頻 有很多父母...

Content necessarily for kids. *mhm* You 100% are making content for kids Logan. You know your demographic

有很多的父母

*crazily screaming kids of Logan*

他們不會再花錢買你的周邊啦~

Every youtuber ever knows their demographics, that that's how you are successful, it's in your analytics.

呵呵呵

And it's also, you meet them. I.... I know people say well

每次我見到有父母牽著看起來還不到12歲的孩子 我就會問

Only the young ones show up at events like this and stuff like that

你..你讓你的孩子看我的視頻嗎?

But no, when I did my meetups ever older people there too. They were not there's all kids in fact there were more

沒錯 父母們 不要糾結發生的所有事了

young teens and uh,

這不是LP的錯

Young adults than kids you're lying. You're just lying. I try not to live my life thinking about money

這是你們的錯! OK? 你不應該讓你的孩子看他的視頻的

PFFFFFFF

你們這些父母是白癡嗎? 拜託~ 你們都在幹嘛呢?父母們

*thud*

很明確這並不是LP的錯~

*inhale*

'當你拍視頻的時候你會考慮到你觀眾的年齡嗎?'

*inhale*

我覺得很奇怪誒 Michael 我已經22歲了 我的視頻不一定都是給孩子看的

I'm sorry, what? Can you repeat that, please? I try not to live my life thinking about money

嗯哼~ (放屁)

*Pewds tries his new language called Brawn.*

你的視頻絕對都是給小孩子看的 Logan

Your whole channel is built about money, Logan.

你很清楚你的目標觀眾群

It's the only thing that draws in these little kids to look up to you.

每個youtuber都很清楚自己的目標觀眾群 所以你才會成功 這都在你的數據分析裡

Oh look at all these flashy cars you have, the mansion. Your whole brand is built around it, Logan.

而且你還見他們了...我知道有人說

Are you kidding me? The twenty seventeen year review video. Where do I begin? I guess I could start with this

只有年輕人會去這種活動

*dramatic intense hype music*

不是的 我開見面會的時候 也有成人觀眾 不全是孩子

At Twenty two years old I bought my first house for six point five million dollars, but it wasn't quite satisfied

其實去見面會的年輕人比孩子更多

So I had a koi pond put in

你在撒謊 你就是在說瞎話

*intense music again*

我嘗試在生活中不總是想著錢

Painted the walls of the guest house

PFFFFFF

*intense music again* (idk why I am doin it)

非常好 這裡不用翻譯

Bought a giant truck known as the Yeti

不好意思 什麼?你重新再說一遍?

*intense music again*

我嘗試在生活中不總是想著錢

Bought a school bus and then turned it into a cool bus

*迷之beatbox*

*just music*

啊哈!

Installed a home theater system

你整個頻道都是關於錢啊 Logan

Blah Blah Blah

你都是靠著錢去吸引小孩子看你的視頻的

More material objects guys the point is I bought a lot of things including this Rolex

閃閃發亮的豪車啦 你買了一棟樓啦

I try not to live my life thinking about money

你不就是以此聞名的啊 Logan

*Pinocchio magic sound*

你在跟我開玩笑嗎?

Like I said

2017回顧 從哪裡說起呢?

Logan Paul should just keep making videos and be honest.

就從這裡開始吧

That's that would be my advice and as long as he's not I'm gonna call him out on it.

22歲的時候我花了650萬美元買了我第一棟房子

Now which brings back to this headline, Logan Paul went skydiving and his main parachute didn't open

放屁

he posted on Twitter that uh he had to cut away his main parachute because it didn't open and uh

但我不太滿意 所以我建了個池塘

He had to use the blue reserve parachute.

放屁

Remember the guy that jumped off the bridge and survived? Well now, Logan Paul.

在客房的墻上畫畫

Has someone that he can relate to it.

放屁

Normally, I would think better of people but

買了輛Yeti

Seeing Logan Paul's behavior, and I think I'm someone that can understand this sort of mentality

放屁

Where you're just dishonest, I really truly think that he just jumped with the second parachute

買了輛校車 然後把它改裝得超炫

I would not accuse people of this shit. Just out of superstition, but seeing all these

放屁

Track record of dishonesty

安了個家庭影院

And doing literally anything to redeem your brand. I'm gonna call it out. It seems too perfect for me to see him

鬼吼鬼叫

Talk to a guy that jumped off the bridge and survived

真是個物質世界 各位 我只想說我買了很多東西 包括這塊勞力士

And then this is gonna be his first vlog, right this is gonna be his comeback vlog

放屁

I haven't seen it hasn't come out yet

我嘗試在生活中不總是想著錢

But I'm pretty sure this is gonna be his vlog and now he gets a chance to feel like yes

就像我說的一樣

You know, I survived a jump. Now I feel now I feel the same way, and if you think I'm crazy

LP應該繼續做視頻 但要坦誠一點

People are already saying it, maybe now you'll stop seeing suicide as a joke first you have this video, and then thiis very

這就是我的建議 只要他不坦誠 我永遠跟他過不去

specific..thing happens in

回到這個標題‘’LP去跳傘時主降落傘未能打開‘’

relation to it.. Obviously Logan knows his next vlog is gonna have to be important

他在推特說 他要丟掉他的主降落傘因為它打不開

It's gonna have to have some sort of message. You can't just keep making videos and move on

然後他用了藍色的備用降落傘

I'm not buying it I'm not buying it. I know people will think I'm crazy like I've put on a tinfoil hat or something. I'm not buying it

記得那個跳橋倖存的人嗎?

I'm not buying it for a second stop being dishonest Logan. That's all you have to do

現在LP可以跟他有同感了

*Fake laser gun sounds*

一般來說 我不會把人想得那麼差

Next news Pew News that's right we have more

但 看到了LP的所作所為 我覺得我是其中一個能洞悉他的心理

Susan Wojcicki tweeted CEO of YouTube

就是很虛偽 我真心覺得他是直接用備用降落傘

I think that's their position at least

我不是那種喜歡亂講別人的人

That she's been listening closely to your thoughts and ideas for the past year

但見識了LP各種的假到死的行為

So wanted to share my priorities for creators in 2018. It's a long blog post going through basically

不惜一切挽回自己名聲 我覺得可能是這樣

Uh

在我看來 他剛好遇見跳橋倖存的人還聊天 這時機太過完美了

Acknowledging the issues I would say

這將會是他第一個vlog 他回歸後的第一個vlog

She sort of spices on some some good bits here and there, like like not everything is bad

我還沒發佈 我還沒看

Hey, they have super chat now and in 2017

但我挺肯定他會在vlog裡提這件事 然後他就有個機會說

The number of creators making six figures grew by 40% so it's not all bad

我跳傘的時候經歷了驚險的一幕 我能感同身受了 如果你覺得我是想太多

But she did recognize the de-monetization in this message.

其實已經有人這樣說了 ‘這次你不敢再拿自殺開玩笑了吧’

She says but even as our platform continues to do well around the world too many of you.

先有了這個視頻 然後又發生這麼碰巧的事 兩者之間又有著微妙的關係

Unfortunately had to learn about the new word in 2017 de-monetization.

Logan很清楚下一個vlog很重要

It's nice to have it acknowledged at least it would be nicer to see

他需要表明一些信息 不能像沒發生過一樣繼續做影片

What is going to be done, I think I think a real good course of action would be to

我不受這一套 我不受這一套 我知道有人會覺得我有病 覺得我想太多 但我就是不受這一套

Stop letting people have this guessing game with YouTube. You're gonna have to start filling people in on what is going on

我完全不受這一套 坦誠點吧 Logan 就是這麼簡單而已

And why for example a video gets de-monetized. Whenever my video gets de-monitized I have to play this guessing game of

下則新聞! Pew新聞! 是的還有一則

What caused it, what was it in this 10-minute video that that wasn't allowed was it because I said "Dorian" at that

Youtube CEO Susan Wojcicki 發了條推文

Point was that too much you never know

應該是這個職位吧

It's so, I wish they'd just say: "Hey this doesn't fit into our Community Guidelines". I can go okay

過去的一年內 她一直緊密的聆聽著我們的意見

I'll cut that out, not a problem

所以她想跟2018年的Youtuber分享她的觀點 這是一條很長的推文 簡單來說

and then I can move on with my day and instead of having to spend hours of

額

Reuploading reuploading spending so much time and I think this is a problem with most creators when a when a clip gets

她承認了Youtube現存的問題

Claimed by another company they take all the revenue of the video

她提及了一些好的事 也不是所以事都是壞的啦

So let's say I use audio from someone that I didn't know was copyrighted or something like that

比如推出了Super Chat

it's hard to tell I know it's stupid you shouldn't do it, but

還有 在2017年 年收入超過6位數的youtubers上升了40% 所以也不是都是壞事啦

Sometimes it just happens, and they claim the video

但她確實意識到了撤資的問題 文章裡

They get all the revenue and plus that if they don't even have to say why they claimed it, or what is claimed

她說'雖然我們在世界各地的範圍內發展良好’

There's still so many issues with the system

但很不幸的 在2017年 你們當中很多人都了解到一個新的詞語 ‘撤資’

And they're making it harder for creators to earn their revenue that they deserve

這很好 至少她承認了這一點

Uh!

如果能知道他們打算怎麼解決這 個問題 那就更好了

You have really creative people really making.

最明智的做法應該是

Uh!

停止讓youtubers玩‘’猜謎遊戲‘’了 你要讓大家知道到底發生了什麼

Amazing stuff that don't get the revenue just to give an example you have this really creative meme

比如說 為什麼視頻會被撤資 每一次我的視頻被撤資時 我都要猜 錯在哪裡了

Uh!

這10分鐘的影片是哪一段出了問題 是因為我說了‘Dorian’嗎?