It's time for me to share one of my most

是時候來分享一個

deepest...

我最深

darkest...

最黑暗

saddest...

最難過的

stories that I ever held inside and not told anyone in over 15 years.

藏了15年 沒和人提起的故事了

That's right...

沒有綽...

I broke my ass.

我跌壞咖稱了

[very nice music]

「我跌壞咖稱了」⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

It's not something I'm proud of

「我跌壞咖稱了」(故事時間)

and I'm only making this video

這不是件值得驕傲的事

to make sure that this happens to no one else

而且我做這部影片的原因是

I was young, I was foolish

確保這事不會發生在別人身上

and this could happen to anyone.

我曾經年少 曾經懵懂

Do you know where your Ass is right now?

這可能也會發生在大家身上

You have to be aware at all times.

你們現在知道你們的咖稱是長在哪裡嗎?

Otherwise, you run the risk of experiencing the same pain

你們必須時時刻刻小心

I did long long long ago.

否則 你也會有經歷同樣痛楚的風險

I'm making this video because I made a promise.

就像我一樣 很久很久以前的事

In a video a couple years ago, I said I admitted that I broke my Ass.

之所以做這部影片是因為我以前承諾過

I'll tell people in the future about this story

幾年前的一部影片 我承認我跌壞我的咖稱過

and I finally gathered enough courage...

我以後會告訴大家這個故事

I finally gathered enough strength...

現在我終於鼓起足夠的勇氣...

to tell my story about how I broke my Ass.

我終於鼓起足夠的力量...

(Subtitle by *I am HeRe *in description at bottom)

來說我是怎麼跌壞我咖稱的故事

I'd really appreciate if people...

*非常GAY的瑞典式嘆氣*

gave me the respect and support for doing this.

如果人們可以...

It's not easy to talk about

能給我尊重和支持 我會非常感謝

But I will do my best to stay strong throughout this video (??)

這是很難開口的

When I was 15 in Sweden, I was an awkward, Swedish, weird, under-developed, l- little child...

但在這部影片 我會盡我所能的堅強

That's right everyone

在我15歲在瑞典的時候 我是個尷尬詭異

I used to be the short kid.

腦袋還未開發完全的小-小孩紙

You think I'm insecure about my height for no reason

(笑) 沒有綽各位

This has nothing to do with the story.

我曾是個小矮人

I'm just giving context.

你們以為我沒事就對我的身高很不安嗎?

I didn't like interacting with people.

這和這個故事無關啦

I would prefer to just sit home and play video games.

我只是在講內容

I know, the perfect cliché of a nerdy kid.

我不喜歡跟人互動

Nevertheless, during summer,

我寧願坐在家打電動

we didn't have a computer at our summer place.

我知道 很像個屁孩的說詞

I had a completely different friend group there.

然而 到了夏天

There was basically -- Internet was non-existent

在我們避暑的地方沒有電腦

so I had no other choice but to hang out and socialize with people.

我在那有了個完全不同的朋友圈

So even though I was a weird awkward kid, two months a year I became a normal Swedish boy

那裡基本上是...根本就不存在網路

and I became a summer child

所以我別無他法 只能跟別人玩耍和社交

and actually went out partying and did all the stuff you do.

所以就算我是個怪尷尬的小孩

So one week during summer,

一年之中的那兩個月我也變成了正常的瑞典男孩

there's a it's called sailing week, I think,

變成了夏日的孩紙

where everyone or a lot of people rent a boat,

也真的去了派對 做了些你們會做的事

they go sailing and they go from harbor to harbor.

所以在夏天的某一週

And...

有個 叫帆船週吧我想

they get drunk and party.

大家或很多人會租條船

So me and my friends rented a sailing boat all together.

玩帆船運動 從港口到港口

Well, I think- I think I was 15 I don't know exactly how old I was.

然後...

But me and my two closest friends,

他們就喝得醉醺醺或開趴

we rented a boat to do basically just this.

所以我和我朋友們一起租了一條帆船

I don't know why my parents thought this was a good idea,

我想-我想我那時15歲吧 我不記得確切我是幾歲了

I definitely would not let my kids do (laughing) this.

但我和我最好的兩個朋友

Especially in mind with what we did.

我們租了船就為了玩那個

I'm not gonna go into details...

我不知道為什麼我父母覺得這是個好主意

But I know what you're thinking, "WOW! Felix you have so many amazing talents,

我絕對不會讓我小孩做這種事 (笑)

you must be really good at sailing."

尤其是想到我們做了的事

Oh yeah, I was actually a sailing instructor at one point.

細節我就不多談了....

Not really.

但我知道你們在想什麼

I mean I was the sailing instructor, but I was goddamn awful at sailing.

哇Felix你真的會很多才藝餒

I really just got the job thanks to my mom.

你一定很會帆船運動吧

Thanks, Mom.

喔耶 我其實有段時間是航行指導員呢

I remember the (cackle) during the uh...

也不是啦

So it was basically me and a bunch of really young kids

我的意思是我是航行指導員 但我他馬超不會開帆船的

and then during the beginning of the course,

真的是多虧我媽媽我才拿到那份工作的

we asked like who wants to sail with Felix and all the kids went,

謝囉媽咪

"Yeah me me me," and I'm like, "Yay, I'm finally popular with kids."

我還記得 (笑) 在...

Kids like me, this is great.

基本上就是我和一群很年輕的孩紙..

And then at the end of the course, they asked the same question,

然後 在課程剛開始的時候

"Who wants to stay with Felix today?"

我們問了 誰想要跟Felix一起開船

No one, complete silence. No one wanted to sail with me.

然後所有孩紙都 " 耶我我我 "

All the kids hated me because I wasn't good at sailing and we kept capsizing

我就像 " 耶 我終於成為孩紙王了 "

and I kept lashing out on all the kids because they sucked at sailing

孩紙們喜歡我 真好

and how is that my fault? I'm just the instructor. (laughing)

然後課程結束後 他們問了同個問題

I also won one sailing uh...

" 誰今天想跟Felix一起開船? "

Competition once, which wasn't really a sailing competition,

沒人 一片沉默 沒人想跟我一起開船

but it's one of those things that I carried with me throughout these 15 years and go.

所有小孩都討厭我 因為我根本不會開還一直翻船

Yeah, I'm good at sailing.

我還一直打其他小孩因為他們開船開得很爛

I'm not good at sailing and I'm willing to admit that.

那怎麼會是我的錯勒? 我只是個指導員啊 (笑)

Nevertheless,

我還贏過一個帆船運動...

we went sailing me and a couple friends and it was a great time.

競賽 也不是真的帆船運動競賽啦

We... we party.

但那也是跟了我15年的事了

HA! G-

對阿 我很會玩帆船運動

And that was it.

我不擅長帆船運動 我也願意承認

The problem is, I get really really really motion sick or seasick.

然而

And anyone that gets seasick,

我們去玩了帆船運動 我和幾個朋友 真的是段美好的時光

you know, how awful it is.

我們...我們辦了趴踢

It stays with you until you get out of the boat.

哈! G-

It doesn't leave you for all this time

就是這樣

and it seems impossible to get rid of

問題是 我很容易暈船

you just want to die and it's not a good feeling.

當一個人開始暈船

I didn't like the feeling.

你就知道 會有多糟糕

So I thought, "Okay, I'm gonna come prepared."

直到你下了船它才會停止

So I bought this motion sickness tablets,

整段時間你都會是這樣

which is supposed to help with it.

感覺也完全擺脫不了

But they came with two side effects that I was not intending for.

你就會很想死 真的會很不舒服

Numero uno~

我也很討厭這種感覺

It made me extremely sleepy. For some reason, we had these weird regulations in Sweden where..

所以我就想 " 好 那我就先準備好 "

(uuuhnnngngng) with drugs...

所以我就帶了這種頭暈的藥

I guess we don't really...

這應該要有所幫助的

have sleeping pills like in America a lot of times when doctors do is that instead of giving your sleeping pills

但他有兩種我不希望有的副作用

They'll say, "Hey, just take these motion sickness tablets, they do the same thing," and I didn't know about this

第一個～

So I remember one t- one of the days during the days during the sailing week. It was so stormy outside

他讓我變的超級想睡

I remember looking outside and being like, "Oh My GOD!"

某些原因我們瑞典有些奇怪的規定來...

I'm gonna die from seasickness if I go out on this so I just downed a bunch of these motion sickness tablets

(嗯嗯嗯)....管制藥物

Being like, "It's not gonna happen to me."; yeah, basically just drugged myself as hard as I could

我想我們沒有.....

Completely passed out. I don't know how long I was out...

像美國有的那種安眠藥

but I remember I was waking up way later in the evening being super confused.

很多時候醫生會 比起給你安眠藥

I didn't know where I was, I looked outside

他們會說, " 嘿吃這種頭暈藥吧他們效果是一樣的"

I thought we arrived in the new harbor realizing we didn't even leave the shore.

我也不知道這件事

Everyone was too afraid to sail that day

所以我記得帆船週的某些日子 外頭天氣就超差

So I basically just drugged myself for no reason.

我還記得看出去外面 我就想說 " 歐買尬! "

BUT Felix we want to hear how you broke your Ass.

我如果這樣出去我會死於暈船的

Well, I'm getting there. Okay?

所以我就吃很多這種頭暈藥

Papa needs some watch time.

就像 " 這不會發生在我身上的 "

There's another symptom that I haven't mentioned yet, and that symptom is..

對 基本上就是盡我所得的吞藥

Balensee.

我完全失去意識 我不知道我到底昏睡多久

That's right, motion sickness is connected to your ear, which is connected to your balansee.

我只記得我在傍晚醒來 整個人超級困惑

So I would say, or at least I like to think that that's why my balance wasn't the pristine top condition...

我不知道我人在哪 我看出去

that it's usually in...

我以為我們到新港口了 結果我們根本連岸邊都沒離開

I can stand on one leg probably longer than any other person alive.

大家那天根本就太害怕了也沒有啟航

I pride myself in having extremely well-balanced... in everything

所以我基本上就是沒理由的吃藥吃到昏厥

Thanos' catchprase

但 Felix 我們想知道你是怎麼跌壞咖稱的

perfectly balanced as all things should be was actually invented by me

我快講到那邊了 好嗎?

I have amazing balance, but taking these pills...

"爹地需要點觀看時間" --Felix Kjellberg (2019)

It knocked over my balance.

還有一個症狀我沒提到 那個症狀是....

Then, we were also on this boat drinking ObViOuSlY (don't drink and boat kids)

平衡感

as we were sailing and that knocked down a few points off my balance... (-1 balance every tick)

沒綽 頭暈這症狀是連結到你的耳朵的

[akward silence glare]

也會和你的平衡感有關

scale as well. And I think you know where I'm going... (Laughing again)

所以我能說 或至少我會去想這就是為什麼

with this. Now sometimes when you sit down in a sailing boat, it's a little bit awkward to sit down in a sailing boat

我的平衡感總不是

They're kind of weirdly shaped

在最良好的狀態

so it's not always the perfect place to place your butt...

我可以金雞獨立大概比任何人還要久

There's also a lot of big objects!

我很驕傲有非常棒的平衡感...不管在什麼事⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

A lot of hard objects!

我很驕傲有非常棒的平衡感...不管在什麼事(這句滿分)

That you could possibly fall on, I was gonna sit down...

薩諾斯的名言

Everything was fine. It was a beautiful sunny day.

完美地平衡 就像所有事物應該有的樣子

We were all drinking beer...

其實是由我發想的

alcohol free, of course ( of course ;) )

我有完美的平衡感 但吃了這些藥之後...

I was gonna sit down and I remember it so vividly, I can replay the whole scenario in slow motion

它把我的平衡感打翻了 :(

I was gonna sit down and I was gonna grab my friend while sitting down, because like I said,

然後我們也在船上喝酒

It's awkward sitting down in a sailing boat

明顯地我們在航行的時候也是

So I was gonna get help for my friend to sit down...

那也讓我的平衡感扣了幾分

But this son of a gun...

*尷尬寂靜的對望*

moved away...

還有程度 然後我想你們也已經知道我要講什麼了...

in last second, and I remember so clearly

有時候你坐在帆船裡都會有點尷尬

just (loading dialog)

他們造型蠻奇怪的

Falling out of my grasp, my hands knowing, "OH GOD,

所以不是很能夠完美的把你的咖稱坐在裡面

whatever my Ass is gonna land on it's not gonna be beautiful!"

也有很多很大的物體!

And let me tell you it wasn't beautiful. I landed on a "vinsch"...

很多很硬的物體!

I don't know what that's called in English

你很可能會摔倒 我正要坐下...

It's basically what you're rail in the sails with

事事都很好 當天也是個美麗的晴天

and it's pretty much as uncomfortable as you can imagine... (oh, it's called "winch" in English, okay...)

我們都在喝喝啤酒

I screamed out in terror, in pain, in shock: "My ass!"

沒有酒精的 當然 :)))

"Ahh, my ass!"

我正要坐下 我還記得很清楚

I was completely immobilized, I couldn't move...

我甚至可以用慢動作重播整個畫面

But most importantly, I was in deep, deep pain.

我正要坐下 我扶著我朋友要坐下 像我之前說的

"It really hurts to break your Ass." - Ghandi

在帆船裡坐下是蠻尷尬的事

I wasn't sure exactly what had happened, but I knew something was wrong...

所以我藉由朋友的幫忙想坐下

So me and my friend,

*劇情轉折* 但這個小 女表 子....

As(s) soon as we enter.. we came to shore, we came to harbor, we had to go to the hospital...

移動了...

We did the scan to confirm that, yes indeed, there was a crack in my Ass....

在最後那一秒 我還記得很清楚

(Quiet laughter)

就是....

I did no longer just had one crack in my ass,

離開我的掌握之中 我的手頓時也了解了

I had two cracks in my ass and that's one crack too many to have, let me tell you.

" 喔天啊 不管我的咖稱會如何著陸 一定是很難看那種 "

I remember feeling very shocked about this...

讓我告訴你 真的很不美觀

It was a very traumatizing experience and realization and I wasn't sure what they were gonna do with me.

我著陸在一個vinsch上 (絞盤)

How do you treat a cracked Ass? I thought, maybe they would give me some sort of a bandage

我不知道那英文叫什麼

Kind of like a diaper or something like that, and I remember asking the nurse,

基本上就是你用來繞帆的

"What are you gonna do?" and she's like, "Well, we can't bandage your Ass

大概就跟你想的一樣不舒服 (喔它英文叫winch..好喔)

can we?" and I thought, "Yeah, I guess we can't.".

我恐懼 疼痛 震驚的叫出來

You live and you learn. (Laughter)

(¯´•._.• 哇欸咖稱 •._.•´¯)

So instead they just gave me a bunch of painkillers and sent me off even though I had a broken Ass.

╰☆☆ 啊啊啊 哇欸咖稱 ☆☆╮

You know, usually when you break something... I never actually broke anything in my body,

我整個動不了 我沒辦法動...

so I was actually kind of looking forward to it, because everyone, you know, when they're a kid...

但最重要的事 我超級超級痛

They break an arm, they break a leg, or whatever and everyone's like, "Oh,

跌壞你的咖稱真的很痛- 甘地

it's so sad for you," and they get all this attention,

我不是很確定發生什麼事 但我知道事情大條了

they get people writing on your bandage...

所以我和我朋友

No one's gonna write on my bandage (Ass bandage). I realized all I have to deal with is the pain...

當我們進--我們靠岸到了港口 我們就去了醫院

and suffering, and most of all, the humiliation. You break an arm, it's cool; you break an Ass...

我們做了檢測證實 沒有錯 我的咖稱有了一道裂痕....

It's not cool. No one thinks that's cool. No one is proud to say, "Hey, I broke my Ass.",

*從回憶裡被抽離靈魂的笑聲*

Okay? Do you think I want to be here? You think I want to tell this story? Think again!

不久前我咖稱又多了一道裂衡

Now, the worst part of all...

我現在咖稱有兩道裂痕 我告訴你們有一道就很多了

is that Jonas...

我記得我對這件事真的很震驚

Jonas, if you're watching this video, you sneaky son of a snake!

這是個很創傷的經驗和認知 我也不知道它們會對我怎樣

Jonas, the guy that moved away when I was trying to...

你們會怎麼治療有裂痕的咖稱?

...sit down, while I was at the hospital with my other friend, Agus, good friend at least, that doesn't tell people.

我以為他們會給我某種繃帶

Jonas told...

某種像尿布或其他東西 我還記得我問護士

Everyone.

"你們要怎麼做?" 她就像 "我們沒辦法包紮你的屁股呀"

He told everyone that I had broken my Ass...

我就想 "對啊我想我們辦不到"

And everyone laughed.

"活著就是在學習嘛" --Pewdiepie (2019)

"ha ha that's so funny." I couldn't sit straight for god knows how long, I was in pain...

所以他們就給我一堆止痛劑就把我送走了

I was humiliated...

即便我咖稱有裂痕

I was hurt...

你們知道 通常當你們弄壞...我其實沒把我身體弄壞過啦

...Don't break your ass, take it from me.

所以我當下其實還有點期待

Take good care of it...

因為大家..你們知道..還是個孩紙的時候

'Cause you never know what's gonna happen to i-

他們弄斷手 腳 或什麼的

(laughter)

大家都會說 "喔 真為你感到難過" 然後他們得到所有關注

That's my story, thanks for listening, don't break your Ass.

大家都會在你石膏/繃帶上簽名寫字

(#ad) WHAT? you never played Tuber simulator??

沒人會在我的石膏/繃帶上簽名 (屁股石膏?)

Pfffsfjhsshshshshhhhh

我意識到我能處理得只有疼痛了

You know, it's fun right, I'm not supposed to give my opinion

還有痛苦 更多的是嘲笑

But give it a try and then you can tell me if it's good or not. Not convinced yet?! Okay. I'll cut you a deal

你手臂斷了 很酷

The game is available for free! And that's a great price!

你跌壞咖稱.... 一點都不酷