Might be a bill you can't pay, might be a job interview.

可能是你繳不出的帳單，可能是工作面試

Might be your career falling apart. Whatever.

可能是你的事業毀了，隨便

But the best thing you can do in this situation is just to think about it as much as possible.

此時你最應該做的事就是盡情地想著那件事

Don't do anything about it.

什麼也別做

Just make sure keep worrying because that always makes problems go away.

就盡情煩惱下去，因為那樣總是能解決問題

Look at all those people.

看看那些人

Whatever you're worrying about must be a million times worse than anything they can imagine.

不管你在煩惱什麼，一定比他們所能想像的還糟上一百萬倍

They've definitely never had to face a personal crisis.

他們肯定都不用面對個人危機

I'm sure they never felt lonely, been sued, lost family members, spouses, children.

我很肯定他們從未感到寂寞，或是被告，或是失去家人、配偶、小孩

They probably never been fired, or been in love with someone who didn't love them back

他們也許從未被炒魷魚，或是愛上不愛他們的人

or paniced about their career, or anything most humans go through in a lifetime.

或是對職涯感到恐慌，或是任何大部分的人在一生中都會經歷到的事

Because whatever you're worried about is definitely the biggest thing that has ever happened to anyone. Ever.

因為不管你在煩惱什麼，對任何人而言肯定都是史無前例的艱鉅

No one has ever been to war so they wouldn't understand what you're going through.

沒有人參與過戰爭，所以不會有人了解你經歷過什麼

They haven't approached Omaha Beach and known they are probably going to be dead in a few minutes.

他們沒有登陸過奧馬哈海灘，知道自己下一秒就會死去

No one has ever been trapped in a damaged spacecraft, thousands of miles from the earth, running out of oxygen

沒有人曾經被困在受損的太空船，在遙遠的外太空中面對可能缺氧的處境

No one has had to face constant bombing from the air that turned up without warning.

沒有人需要面對持續不斷的無預警空襲

Somehow whatever it is recently you've got on your mind, that justifies you loosing sleep.

不知怎麼的，不管你最近在煩惱什麼，那都能讓你的失眠合理化

And being a total dick to yourself.

讓你理所當然地墮落

Well, you know best. Luckily humans live forever and never age.

這點你最清楚了，幸運地，人類永遠長生不老

So dont worry, you've got infinite time to hold yourself back with doubts.

所以不用擔心，你有用不完的時間去遲疑蹉跎

And actually it's worse than that.

事實上，事情還更糟

You know, if the bad thing does happen,

你知道，如果壞事真的發生

where you dont get the job or you emberass yourself somehow

你的工作沒有應徵上，或是不小心出糗

we're all gonna be laughing at you.

我們都會嘲笑你

All seven billion of us

地球上的70億人全都會嘲笑你

We don't have our own lifes, or relationships, or children, or careers.

我們沒有自己的人生、自己的戀情、小孩和事業

We're just waiting to see you fuck up.

我們就是隨時等著你出糗

The entire planet is going to turn up at your house and write "lol" on your door. In piss.

全世界的人將會出現在你家門口，在你家門上寫"哈哈哈"，用尿寫

That's what's gonna happen.

一定會這樣

And even after you're dead we're going to errect a shrine on your grave that says:

即使你死了，我們會在你的墳墓上搭一個聖壇，上面寫著

"This person made a mistake."

"這個人犯了錯"

and we'll visit it everyday with flowers.

我們會每天帶著花去看你

But not the nice ones. Like petrol station roses. That we've found in a bin.

但，不是花店買的，是加油站會給的那種，我們在垃圾桶裡找到的

And don't even think about taking any creative risks.

也千萬不要想冒什麼創意的險

That project you're working on, the book, or the movie or the video, or whatever

你正在做的那個專案，書還是電影還是影片之類的

If you screw up any of it we're gonna laugh at you because we're certanly not busy worrying about our own lifes.

如果你搞砸了什麼，我們一定會笑你，因為我們的人生都沒什麼要煩惱的

Homer, Beethoven, Tolstoi, Hitchcock, Tarantino... None of them ever worried about their careers.

荷馬、貝多芬、托爾斯泰、希區考克、塔倫提諾...他們沒有一個人擔心過自己的前途

Just keep sabotaging yourself so you don't have to ever fear doing something original.

就一直拉自己後腿，你就不用害怕去做什麼原創性的東西

That's the save path.

這才是最保險的

Same with doing what you love, actually.

其實做你喜歡的事情也一樣

No one has ever taken a risk before. You're the first one to do it. Ever.

都沒有人冒險過，你前無古人後無來者

And I'm sure the universe cares if you screw up or take a risk.

而且我相信宇宙也一定很在乎你搞砸了，或是去冒險

It definitely isn't busy regulating the speed of light or, you know, keeping the galaxies from fucking colliding!

它肯定不是忙著控管光的速度，或是，你知道防止那些星系免於崩解

In fact the entirety of creation was just designed to watch you fail personally.

事實上，宇宙萬物都只是為了看你失敗而誕生的

That's what we're all doing here.

那就是我們一直在做的事

That's what get's us up in the moring.

我們每天都是為了這個醒來—

You.

你，

Failing.

失敗了

Maybe just spend the rest of your life fixated on worrying

也許今後餘生就一直煩惱下去就好了

instead of ever doing anything ever again

什麼事都不要去做

instead of say becoming the best possible version of yourself and being kind to people

不要不斷向上提升，不要對別人好

and taking wild and bold risks that scare you and will probably pay off some other time.

不要克服恐懼去大膽冒險，儘管那可能是值得的

and living a lasting legacy for your great-grandchildren

可能會讓你流芳百世

so they can say that one of their ancestors in the early 21st century

讓後代能夠誇耀說自己的祖先

was undeniably a bad motherfucker and did something brilliant

毫無疑問是21世紀初的一位傳奇人物，有了不起的成就

or was just a half decent human being who decided that the point of being alive

或者就是一位還不錯的人，認為人生的目的

was to party as much as possible before the lights go out.

就是在死之前盡情享樂

And just to be nice to other humans.

然後當一個和善的人

Probably better just to keep your head down. Don't rock the boat.

也許最好還是保持低調就好，不要惹麻煩

Can't risk emberassing yourself.

以免讓自己丟臉

But none of that really matters, does it?

但這些都不重要，對吧？

Because you're worried about that thing, aren't you?

因為你正在煩惱那件事，對吧？

Might be a bill you can't pay, might be a job interview.

可能是你繳不出的帳單，可能是工作面試

Might be your career falling apart. Whatever.

可能是你的事業毀了，隨便

But the best thing you can do in this situation is just to think about it as much as possible.

此時你最應該做的事就是盡情地想著那件事

Don't do anything about it.

什麼也別做

Just make sure keep worrying because no one has ever been in a bad situation before. Ever.

就盡情煩惱下去，因為沒有人面臨過這樣的處境，從來沒有

And I'm sure, whatever it is, is very important and won't ever go away.

我也很肯定不管那是什麼，那一定很重要，問題會一直都在

Just like all the other things you used to worry about before.

就像那些你之前煩惱過的事

And now can't even remember

現在也都記不得了