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  • Going through a divorce is really one of the most stressful things a family can

  • go through. So it's important to be prepared and ready to have that first

  • conversation about it. One of the best places to start is actually with some

  • myth-busting. So yes divorces are stressful but they don't have to be

  • traumatic or something that really, really changes your child. There are a

  • lot of good things you can do to help make this happen.

  • The biggest one Bar None is to actually decrease the kind of conflict between

  • you and the separating spouse. So anytime you're going to talk to the kids it's

  • important that you two have had a conversation ahead of time. I recognize

  • divorce is really different how conflicted they are but if you're

  • looking to make a commitment to your kids mental health and emotional health

  • across the board the best one is to lower conflict.

  • Sometimes you actually need a mediator. There are wonderful organizations like

  • Kids in the Middleand other private therapists that can really help with the

  • process. Now what can you practically do? The first thing is if there are going to

  • be two houses, make them as similar as possible in terms of rules, consequences,

  • and expectations. Sitting down for a family meeting about how to do this is

  • really important. The other thing that may be kind of a surprise is actually

  • how their stuff is gonna get back and forth between places. There are a lot of

  • comforting things for smaller kids that really need to be transported. Blankets,

  • stuffed animals and then even for older kids there can be aspects of technology

  • and things that we don't duplicate but need to be a part of the transitions. It

  • also really helps for them to see you two communicating. So if there are big

  • family decisions, you can make sure they know that you talked about it ahead of

  • time and that you're presenting a united front. One of the really hard ones I hear

  • is that you are going through emotions too so it's important that you have

  • places where you talk about your feelings without any editing so that

  • when you get to your kids you can actually give positive messages. Now

  • there are always reasons for the divorce on both sides and it's important that

  • you are honest but age-appropriate. So for instance saying

  • something like we grew apart or we were no longer in love, no longer able to

  • parent together can be a much more neutral way of discussing it.

  • Then save more conflicted versions including betrayals and other things for

  • friends and family. It really is important that they have a chance to get

  • to know both parents individually and not feel like things are colored. I've

  • seen a lot of times when actually negative feedback went back on the

  • parent who did it and not the spouse that they were frustrated with. Your kids

  • are going to grow up and figure out lots of different complex things as they do. And

  • it's important that they feel they can talk to you, if you're always one side of

  • the argument or saying negative things it's very likely you'll shut your kids

  • down for the complex things they want to discuss with you. How they feel about new

  • people and the family, how they're doing with the transitions. Another common

  • pattern is that they can take care of each other as siblings. So if they have

  • siblings going back and forth between the houses it matters that you still get

  • solo time with each of them so they have a chance to process it. I feel really

  • strongly that therapy can be a huge support even in non conflicted divorces.

  • It can be really helpful to have a conversation with kids about the two

  • different kinds of love in your life. One thing that helps is to talk about

  • romantic love, is something that happens between two people who get married but

  • it can change over time and that this should be contrasted with the kind of

  • love you have for your kids. Which is something that doesn't change and that

  • they can be reassured that you will stay a part of their lives and love them

  • throughout it. [Music]

Going through a divorce is really one of the most stressful things a family can


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A2 初級 美國腔

帶著孩子離婚。父母需要知道什麼 (Getting a Divorce with Kids: What Parents Need to Know)

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    Jade Weng 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日