Yeah.

有。

So, she sent me...she sent me like this picture of her.

她傳給我...她傳給我這張她的照片。

She said "Currently on an IV", I said "Geez", and she said "Did a flu swab on me? I have pneumonia"

她說：「我正在靜脈注射。」，我說：「天阿！」，然後她又說：「你以為我得的是流感嗎？不是，我得的是肺炎。」

I said "From vaping those weed pens. Hope you don't have that vaping disease."

我說：「因為你抽的那些菸，希望你不是患上電子菸肺病。」

She said "No, I don't, it's pneumonia and I'm done with pens"

她說：「不是，我是得肺炎，而且我也受夠電子菸了。」

And then...

然後...

My dad called me that she was in surgery on Friday...

我爸爸星期五打給我說我媽媽在動手術...

Emergency surgery, I...

緊急手術，我...

And it wasn't looking good.

而且狀況不是很好。

I texted her: "I love you" and, and she died before she could read that.

我傳訊息跟她說「我愛妳」，她卻在看到之前就去世了。

So...three months later, we got the autopsy report back and it was associated with electronic cigarette use.

三個月之後，我們收到了驗屍報告，上面顯示她的病跟抽電子菸有關。

I do have one from my mom...who passed away, um... August 31st 2019.

我的確有收到一個從我媽媽那裡傳來的，她在 2019 年 8 月 31 日去世了。

Actually, I don't know what it was regarding, she just messaged me randomly.

事實上，我不知道她在說什麼，因為她只是很隨機的傳訊息給我。

She said "We need to talk" and for some reason like I'd seen it, but I didn't respond and I said the next day, "yes".

她說：「我們需要談談。」，但因為一些原因我看了卻沒有回覆，直到隔天我才說：「好。」

So, I... don't know what it was about, but me and my mom, we don't really have the best relationship.

我...不知道她想談論的內容是什麼，但我和我媽媽之間其實並沒有很好的關係。

We didn't, um, she was... heavily involved in like drug and alcohol, so she couldn't take care of me and she was... she gave me to my grandparents really to, you know, raise me and I was just so bitter and so like frustrated and so like "Why would you do that? I'm your son."

我們沒有...痾...她有重度藥物和酒精成癮，因此沒辦法好好照顧我，把我托付給我的祖父母養育，我很怨恨又失望，心想：「為什麼妳要這樣對我？我是你兒子欸！」

Let me get it, um...

讓我找找...

So...

那麼...

Um...it's from my best friend, and I said "Yo so why'd you deactivate? I was gonna ask you if you wanted to come live with me in Idaho or at least stay here for a while."

這是我閨蜜傳給我的，我說：「嘿！為什麼你要停辦你的帳號？我正想問你要不要來愛達荷跟我一起住，或至少跟我在這待一會兒。」

Umm...and she said "I would love that why the sudden ask?"

然後她說：「我很願意，但為什麼突然這樣問？」

"I don't know, honestly, it would just be fun if you came here."

「說真的，我也不知道，只是覺得你來了會很有趣。」

Yeah, she passed away 20 days after that.

然後她在 20 天後就去世了。

In the end, it was because she uh c-committed suicide.

最終是因為她自殺了。

My-my friend Stan, I mean, I don't know if I had anything to do with him being Hawaiian but he's just the most chill, laid-back dude.

我的朋友 Stan，我不知道這是否跟他是夏威夷人有關，但他是最酷最愜意的一個傢伙。

Early last year, he was uh, yeah, he'd like Stage four lymphoma.

去年初，他被診斷出第四期淋巴瘤。

And I said, "How are you feeling Stan?"

我對他說：「Stan，你感覺怎麼樣？」

And he says "I'm doing well, I'm going to stay one more day. I have an appointment tomorrow with my oncologist thank you for praying for me. God is good."

他回答：「我很好，但我還需要多待一天，我明天跟我的腫瘤醫生有約，謝謝你為我祈禱，上帝是好的。」

"Try to comfort your mom for she's under a lot of stress." - "Sounds good Stan. I will be here for my mom as well. Thank you for caring for her, we'll continue to pray for you."

「試著安撫你媽媽，她正承受著很多壓力。」- 「聽起來不錯，Stan，我也會陪在我媽媽身邊的，謝謝你的關心，我們會繼續為你祈禱的。」

And he said "Thanks."

然後他說：「謝謝。」

We're at the hospital with him literally as he was taking his last breaths, and I was like "You're about to go home right now", you know and, and I was just like "Man, I'm excited for you."

我們在他嚥下最後一口氣時，都在醫院陪著他，我對他說著：「你準備要回家了。」，「兄弟，我真替你感到期待。」

I, remember after she died, I called my sister umm...

我記得在我母親死後，我打電話給我的妹妹...

She was at the hospital and I remember telling her like "Oh my god, I don't remember the last time I told my mom I love you", and she said "Me either."

我妹妹正在醫院，我記得我跟她說：「我的天，我不記得上次跟媽媽說愛她是什麼時候。」，而她說：「我也是。」

So, I would really love to tell her that again.

所以我真的很想再跟我媽媽說我愛她。

[Do you talk a lot with your sister?]

[你很常跟你妹妹聊天嗎？]

Definitely a lot more now and I call them and I text them way more often, obviously.

顯然比起從前，現在肯定多很多了，我更常會打電話或是傳簡訊給她們。

Since I didn't really get to talk to my mom too much and I really regret that now, but yeah, I call them like every week.

因為我現在很後悔當時沒有跟媽媽聊太多，但...對，所以我現在每週都會打給她們。

I still send messages to her on Instagram because...her family didn't deactivate the account.

我還是會傳訊息到她的 Instagram，因為她家人並沒有停辦她的帳號。

"I miss you. I feel so alone without you."

「我很想你，沒有你我覺得很孤單。」

"I don't know what I'm doing."

「我不知道我在幹嘛。」

...And then I said "Why didn't you say goodbye before you left?", and then another message was..."I love you."

然後我說：「你為什麼要不告而別？」，另一個訊息是...「我愛你。」

Sorry...

抱歉...

She was sending like messages, like audio messages and... I'll just play one cuz...I don't know, see...

她傳的是語音訊息，我直接播一個好了，因為...我不知道...你聽聽。

I wanna tell you, that...umm, I'll be done with school in about 12 months...so, then I get my license.

我想告訴你，我再 12 個月就可以結束學校的東西了，之後我就可以拿到我的證照。

So that is the doctor, and the therapist.

也就是醫生和治療師。

So, one more year...that's it.

所以再 1 年就好了。

Just hold on...but, you can see me in 25, if you need to.

再等等...但如果你想，我們可以在 25 號見面。

Just be consistent...Love you, son.

堅持一下，兒子我愛你。

(exhales deeply)

(深呼吸)

And that's...that's the last time I heard her voice, and...It was, I don't know...I found out that she passed away the day of and everything just like...came at once like, the regret.

這是我最後一次聽到她的聲音，這很...我不知道...我發現她在這天去世，一切就像...遺憾。

I just feel like, I should have like...done way more than I did and this sucks because I can never physically say I'm sorry.

我只是覺得，我當時應該能做更多事情，而這感覺很糟，因為我再也無法親自跟她說我很抱歉。

You know, just apologize for just ignoring you for so many years and...just not...understanding your story.

你知道，就是為無視她多年，且不去理解她背後的故事道歉。

Like I-I'm pretty sure she understand mine.

我蠻確定她了解我的故事。

My dad...had to go in for like an emergency surgery over like his two years of having cancer, he eventually like lost his ability to speak.

在我爸爸兩年的罹癌期間，他必須接受緊急手術，最終他失去了說話能力。

And...so the main way we like communicated was through text or like through writing and it was a really tough transition home.

所以我們主要是透過文字或是書寫來溝通，而這是很艱難的過渡期。

We were like trying to get him settled in to his house and his room knowing that like eventually that was where he was gonna be until he passed and then he finally was like awake so I popped into his room just to say like "Hey, like, I'm leaving now."

我們試圖將他安頓在家中的房間裡，知道這是他去世時將會在的地方，而他終於醒過來時，我進到他的房間說：「嘿！我現在要走了。」

So...as I was leaving, he texted me and he said "Hi Taylor, thank you for being there for me. It means a lot to me. love you."

而當我要離開時，他傳訊息跟我說：「嗨 Taylor，謝謝妳陪在我身邊，這對我意義重大，我愛妳。」

And he's...my dad is never like super affectionate.

而他...我爸爸從來沒有像當時那樣溫柔親切。

So, yeah, I think like him...For me, like knowing that he...went out of his way to like text that to me and...was appreciative that I was there, was really touching to me.

所以...我想他...對我來說，知道他放棄矜持傳訊息給我說他很感激我在他身邊，這讓我很感動。

He knew that his time was short and I knew, so yeah that text means a lot to me.

他知道他壽命僅剩不多，而我也知道，所以那則訊息真的對我來說很重要。