So, someone else is paying, all right, so I go first class BA.

有人要幫忙付機票錢，所以我就搭英國航空頭等艙。

It doesn't get any better.

沒有比這更好的事了。

Even if I was paying for my own way, I'd still go for first class.

即便今天是我自己出錢，我也會搭頭等艙。

But... Jane would probably be in coach.

但是 Jane 可能會在經濟艙。

It's 10 grand a pop.

升級要一萬塊欸！

That new Planet of the Apes movies on, she'd love that.

新的《猩球崛起》出來了，她可以在經濟艙看。

Alright, but when someone else is paying, I say, "Jane, get up here with me."

但如果有人要出錢，我就會說：「Jane，跟我來頭等艙吧！」

Right?

對吧？

Front two seats, they board us early.

前排兩個座位，我們可以提早登機。

We're on the plane about 15 minutes before anyone else is, oh my God, they bring round these snacks, these, like, warmed, caramelized nuts in a bowl, right, champagne.

可以在大家登機前的十五分鐘上去，他們拿來那些點心，我的天啊，一碗加熱過的、沾滿焦糖的堅果，還有香檳。

It's great, it's like a little day off from me.

超棒的，就像放了一小天假。

No phone or anything, it's like a little holiday flying to the States, right?

沒有手機或其他東西干擾，飛去美國的旅途就像小型假期，對吧？

I could do without the safety video.

但可以免去飛安影片啦！

That's always a bit of a downer, right?

那總是有點掃興。

And totally pointless, if you go into the side of a mountain at 500 miles an hour, the brace position does fuck all.

而且完全沒用，如果你以五百哩的時速撞進一座山，防備姿勢還真是有用。

Imagine if that worked right?

想像如果有用的話好了。

You're going down, right, right?

你往下墜，對吧？

The planes smashing, you go, I'll try it.

飛機要被撞毀了，你想說，我就試試吧！

Alright, you do that, ball of flames, you wake up, everyone's dead except, you go, "Fucking hell, that's amazing."

好，你做了防備姿勢，飛機起火，你起來了，大家都死了就你沒死，你說：「他 X 的，這姿勢厲害。」

That is...

這真的......

And they always use that voice, don't they, on the safety, they always use that voice, that calming, hypnotic voice.

他們每次都用那種聲音，飛安影片的聲音總是冷靜又催眠人。

Like, nothing bad happened.

好像在說，沒什麼壞事會發生。

They're saying horrendous things, but they're trying to make you think, nothing bad'll happen 'cause they're, I'm using this voice so don't worry about it, right?

他們每次都說一些很恐怖的事，可是他們想催眠你，跟你說沒有壞事會發生啦，因為我現在用這種聲音說話，所以你什麼都不用擔心，好嗎？

They say things, like, "In the event of the plane landing on water," it smashes the fuck to bits, right?

他們可能說：「若飛機在事故中降落於水上。」飛機會被他 X 的擊碎，對吧？

They say, they say, "In the event of the plane landing on water, your life jacket is equipped with a whistle."

他們說：「若飛機在事故中降落於水上，你的救生衣上有配置一個哨子。」

A fucking whistle.

一個他 X 的哨子。

So, the plane hits the water, smashed into bits, everyone's dead except you, by a miracle, you're bobbing around in the Atlantic Ocean, four degrees that water is, right?

所以飛機撞進水裡，被毀成碎片，只剩你奇蹟地活著，你在四度的大西洋上漂浮著。

You've got about 15 minutes before hypothermia sets in, right?

還剩十五分鐘失溫症就要發作了，對吧？

Or eaten by a shark, or you drown.

或是被鯊魚吃掉、或溺水。

And you're hoping they dispatched air-sea rescue.

你希望有人派出了海空救援。

And you're going, "Oh my God, I'm bruised, I'm (murmurs), I'm gonna die."

你想著：「噢我的老天，我受傷了，我 (喃喃自語) ......我要死了。」

"I don't wanna die wet, and I don't know what I'm doing."

「我不想濕濕地死掉，我不知道我在幹嘛。」

"Hold on." (whistles)

「等等。」(吹口哨)。

I mean, air-sea rescue.

海空救援啊！

Now I don't know if you've ever been in a helicopter, of course you haven't, right?

我不知道你們有沒有坐過直升機，你們一定沒有。

But...

但是......

They're fucking loud, right?

直升機超大聲，對吧？

It's like having your head in a washing machine.

就像把你的頭塞進洗衣機。

You have to wear earplugs and then ear defenders.

你需要戴耳塞，還要戴上護耳器。

Your teeth rattle, it's like...

你的牙齒打顫，就像這樣。

Like that, so you're like, over the Atlantic Ocean at night...

然後你在晚上的大西洋......

Never gonna happen, it's never gonna happen.

根本不可能被救啦，不可能會發生的。

If you crash, you die, right?

如果墜機，就死路一條啦！