Over the last decade, I've used hundreds of lipsticks, thousands of face creams.

在過去的十年，我用過數百支口紅，上千條面霜。

And I've amassed millions of followers making original lifestyle content for my YouTube channel.

並藉由我的 YouTube 頻道製作原創生活方式，累積數百萬名的粉絲。

I use cosmetics almost every single day.

我幾乎每天都在使用化妝品。

Then came the pandemic.

然後新冠病毒爆發了。

In quarantine, I can count the number of times that I've worn makeup on one hand.

在隔離期間，我化妝的次數用單手就數得出來。

And it's not because I've suddenly come to dislike it.

這不是因為我突然不喜歡化妝了。

It's because I no longer have the need or the desire to perform for the external world.

而是因為我沒有這個需求或渴望，為了外面的世界而化妝。

Life as I knew it has evaporated.

我所熟知的生活已經消失了。

What's left is just the question: Why do I apologize for looking like me?

剩下的是這個問題：我為什麼要為了自己原本的長相而道歉？

Like many women, my relationship with how I look has been complicated.

和許多女性一樣，我和自己的長相一直有著複雜的關係。

At 14, I fell in love with strawberry-flavored lip gloss and bright eyeshadow.

在 14 歲的時候，我愛上了草莓口味的唇彩和閃亮的眼影。

And by 19, I was wearing makeup every single day.

19 歲時我幾乎每天都上妝。

It even got to the point where I was showering with makeup on because I didn't want a boyfriend to see my acne underneath.

我甚至在洗澡的時候都是帶著妝的，因為我不想讓我的男朋友看到底下的青春痘。

At 22, making beauty videos on YouTube officially became my full-time job.

22 歲的時候，在 YouTube 上製作美妝影片正式成為我的全職工作。

And how I looked was directly connected to how much people liked me.

我的形象會直接影響喜歡我的人數多寡。

The world has expectations for women.

這個世界對於女性有著一定的期望。

I've appeared on camera without makeup, and people have told me that I'm lazy or even worse.

我曾經素顏出現在鏡頭前，但人們會說我很懶惰甚至更過份的話。

They've told me to take pride in myself.

他們叫我應該要對自己驕傲一點。

If I wore makeup, the next day, then I was fake and shallow.

如果隔天我化妝了，那麼我就會被罵說是虛偽又膚淺。

And if I went more than a few days without wearing makeup, then my credibility as a beauty expert was questioned.

如果我連續好幾天都素顏，那我這個美妝專家的信譽就會受到質疑。

I'm 31 now, and I thought I finally had my relationship to makeup figured out.

我現在 31 歲，我想我終於明白我和化妝之間的關係。

I wore makeup for myself, not for others.

我化妝是為了自己，不是為了其他人。

Or at least, that's what I told myself.

至少，我是這麼告訴自己的。

Now, two months into quarantine, I'm realizing just how much I was still performing for other people.

從隔離到現在已經有兩個月之久，我意識到自己仍然還是在為了其他人而化妝。

I've come a long way from showering with makeup on, but I still feel uneasy attending a meeting or an event.

我經過了很長一段時間的努力才不帶妝洗澡，但是在參加會議或活動，不化妝還是會讓我感到不自在。

Even on Zoom, when I'm at home without makeup.

就連我只是在家沒有化妝，用 Zoom 開視訊會議也一樣。

I'm noticing myself in this familiar pattern when I get on video calls.

我發現當我在視訊會議的時候，又做了以前我常做的事。

I apologize for how I look, and then I regret it.

我為了自己原本的樣子道歉，然後又後悔。

And almost every woman I'm on a Zoom call with does this, too.

而且幾乎所有在 Zoom 和我視訊會議的女性都在做一樣的事。

We spend the first few minutes in this ritual of picking ourselves apart for gray hairs, wearing sweatpants, having dark circles, wrinkles, pimples.

我們在開始的前幾分鐘會有件例行公事，就是嫌棄自己的白頭髮、身上穿的運動褲、黑眼圈、皺紋和青春痘。

And apologizing for not wearing makeup, and covering it all up.

並為了沒有化妝把缺陷掩蓋住而道歉。

Things like acne and dark circles are universal realities.

像青春痘和黑眼圈這類的東西，是一個普遍的存在。

But women aren't allowed those things.

但是女人並不被允許這類的東西出現在她們身上。

And the science shows that women who aren't considered to be well-groomed are actually paid less.

科學研究顯示，被認為沒有好好打理自己的女性，她們的收入會比較少。

It took a pandemic, but finally, women can focus less on how we look and focus more on what we do.

新冠肺炎終於讓女性減少對自我樣貌的過度關注，並將焦點放在我們做的事情上。

In this crisis, what I'm seeing on Zoom or when I look out my window are women.

在這個疫情當中，我在 Zoom 的視訊會議上所見到的和我在窗外所看到的，都是女性。

Women who are useful, not just seen by the world as decorative.

女性很有能力，並不該被這個世界認為只能當裝飾品。

In quarantine, an active self-care for me is using makeup as a mirror to express my emotions, not mask them.

在隔離期間，化妝對我而言是一個積極的自我療程，就像是一面鏡子去傳達我的情感，而不是把它掩蓋住。

So I'm challenging women to do something new with me: No more apologizing for how we look.

因此我在這裡向女性發出挑戰，和我一起去做新的事情：不要再為了我們的長相而道歉。

One part public protest, two parts self-compassion.

一部分是為了抗議大眾，更大一部分是為了善待自己。

If isolation has taught us anything, it's that our most important audience is actually ourself.

如果隔離有教會我們什麼，那就是我們最重要的觀眾其實就是我們自己。