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  • Conan O'Brien: Thank you. Thank you. Please remain seated. That is not necessary. [applause]

  • [laughter] thank you, don’t stand, that wouldn’t be right. Good evening, thank you,

  • Mr. President, Mrs. Obama, distinguished members of the press and Bon Jovi.

  • Yes, it is an honor to share the stage with the President. When you think about it, the

  • President and I are a lot alike. We both went to Harvard, we both have two children and

  • we both told Joe Biden we did not have extra tickets for tonight event.

  • We also have something else in common, I too recently got in hot water for talking about

  • a public official’s good looks. It was when time I would not shut up about that stone

  • cold fox, Secretary of Transportation Ray Lahood. Oh, man. I like the cut of his jib.

  • Bu President Obama, President Obama, you had some great jokes. It was a pleasure watching

  • you stand here and do what I do. Now it is only fair that I get to do what you do. That’s

  • right, ladies and gentlemen, for the next 15 minutes I will be mired in intense dysfunctional

  • standoff with congress. This is going to be fun.

  • Now right away, I would like to formally congratulate the President on his re-election. Congratulations.

  • Thank you.

  • As you all know, he is hard at work creating jobs. Since he was first selected, the number

  • of popes has doubled. And the number of tonight show hosts has tripled. Congratulations.

  • And while I’m at it, I would like to congratulate President George W. Bush on big dedication

  • of his Presidential library. Yes, the library has millions of books, articles, and documents

  • and if you go, you can be the first to read them. You can’t hurt me.

  • Ladies and gentlemen, let’s get going. Right here at the start I am going to share something

  • with you people and it does not leave this room. I say this with absolute confidence,

  • because we are on C- Span. Who doesn’t love C-SPAN, seriously? C-SPAN. It’s an entire

  • channel shot the backup Camera on a Ford Explorer. Congratulations to C-SPAN for winning the

  • bid to broadcast this event. They narrowly beat out HD TV two, TVC South America and

  • the Hilton Hotel how to check out channel. That’s right, the Hilton. It is great to

  • be here at the Hilton.

  • Is it just me or is it time to stop using Priceline to book this event? No, I really

  • love the Hilton. I love their motto, sorry the Radisson was booked.

  • I was worried that because of the sequester we would be forced to hold this event at a

  • less prestigious hotel then the dc Hilton. Then I was told that was not possible.

  • I do want to thank the Hilton for accommodating us. They were kind enough to reschedule a

  • cash for gold seminar. By the way, for those of you here for the cash for gold seminar,

  • that has been moved to salon ‘B’ on the mezzanine. And if Joe Biden asks, there are

  • no extra tickets for that, either.

  • Quick announcement, before we really get going, before we continue, if any of you are live

  • tweeting this event, please use the #incapable oflivinginthemoment. [laughter] yeah. Yeah.

  • Yes, Yes. Also, to any U.S. Senators here tonight, if you would like to switch your

  • dessert or your position on gay marriage, please signal a waiter. By the way Speaking

  • of dinner, tonight entrees were halibut, and filet mignon. Or as CNN reported, lasagna

  • and couscous. There is a gavel here, and I don’t know why. [gavel pounds]

  • Here is a fun fact about tonight’s food, everything you it was personally shot by Wayne

  • Lapierre. Don’t worry it was during a home invasion. The fish came in through the window.

  • It wasn’t peppercorn, it was buckshot, ladies and gentlemen. Incidentally, you may not know

  • this, but Wayne Lapierre is merely the executive Vice President of the NRA. Which begs the

  • question, how freaking crazy do you have to be to be the actual President of the NRA?

  • He is not even at the top.

  • Also, I would like to acknowledge that earlier this evening there was some confusion with

  • the seating chart. For a moment, someone accidentally sat governor Chris Christie with the Republicans.

  • That was awkward, and I apologize. Very awkward. But speaking of tables, before dinner, I had

  • a chance to mingle, you probably saw me. I worked the crowd, shook some hands and sold

  • my twitter account to Al Jazeera for $500 million. They will buy anything. (ah ha ha

  • ha ha ha)

  • It is an absolute joy to be her at the White House correspondents dinner. Last year, Tom

  • Brokaw criticized this event for having too many superstars and A-list celebrities. When

  • I told him I would be attending this year, he said, that’s more like it. That should

  • not be funny to you.

  • But this is really a star- studded event. this year, you have taken it to new heights.

  • I have to congratulate you. New heights! Because you have some of the guy from duck dynasty

  • is hereduck dynasty. Which can only mean one thing, the guys from storage wars said

  • no. I love duck dynasty, don’t get me wrong. I really don’t think the whistleall

  • my god, it works. It’s incredible. He is here. I always hated that one.

  • As some of you know, this is my second time speaking at this event. I was 18 years ago

  • in 1995, a lot has changed since then. Today you can get real-time information on world

  • events from something small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. Back in 1995, we

  • called that George Stephanopoulos. I can see if George is here because there is a crouton

  • in the way.

  • It is amazing to think how much our country has changed in 18 years. Think about it. If

  • in 1995 you told me that in 2013, we would have an African- American President with a

  • middle name Hussein, who was just reelected to a second term in a sluggish economy, I

  • would have said, oh, he must have run against Mitt Romney.

  • By the way, no offense, Mr. President, I do congratulate you on your victory, but as a

  • late-night comedian, I was kind of pulling for the rich guy who’s horse danced in the

  • Olympics.

  • The demographics of this country have been rapidly changing over the past two decades.

  • I look forward to hosting this event 18 years from now. Then, my opening line will be, [speaking

  • spanish] Si. Especialmente, Presidente Mario Lopez. But, my prior experience has taught

  • me how these dinners work. If the President laughs, everyone laughs. If the Fox News table

  • laughs, a little girl just fell off her bike.

  • How are you doing, Bill? Yes, all the Washington news media are here tonight, including the

  • stars of online journalism. I did the Huffington post has a table. Which has me wondering,

  • if you are here, who is covering Miley Cyrus’s latest nip slip? Who is assembling today’s

  • top 25 yogurt related tweets? Seven mistakes your making with bacon, and

  • that’s a real one, and you should be ashamed our yourselves.

  • By the way, just before dinner, I tried to say a quick hello to Arianna Huffington, but

  • she made me watch a 32 second ad first. — 30-second ad first.

  • Yes, a lot of online stars in the room, but unfortunately Matt Drudge couldn’t make

  • it. Ya, he had a prior commitment to teach a web design class in 1997.

  • Of course, the Washington print media is also joining us this evening. The print media are

  • here for two very good reasons. food and shelter.

  • You know, how are you, you know, some people say print media is dying, but I don’t believe

  • it. Neither does my blacksmith. You have got to meet Zachariah, he is great. Man, rough

  • year for Newsweek, which after 80 years published its last print issue. Yeah. Time magazine

  • might be gloating, but they really shouldn’t, because Time will outlive Newsweek a way Juliett

  • outlived Romeo. Read the play, it is very smart.

  • Things are so tough for old media, Reuters – (this is a true story) Reuters is having

  • its after party right here at the Hilton. Because nothing says we are having a great

  • here like having your after party at the same table where you just had dinner. With that

  • in mind, Reuters is asking everyone here to leave a little wine at the bottom of the glass.

  • And to be fair, print media still has a big star in Bob Woodward. Got to give it up for

  • Bob Woodward. [applause] Earlier this evening,

  • a waiter asked him if he wanted regular or decaf and he said, Stop threatening me!

  • Also tonight, some big names in television news. When it comes to television news, we

  • have a divided landscape. Fox news is watched by conservatives, MSNBC watched by liberals

  • and CNN is watched by people who clean the offices at CNN. [laughter] [oohs] Oh, it gets

  • worst. CNN’s ratings are so low, now when it comes up, James Earl Jones says, you are

  • watching CNN? what the hell? I have to say, in the past two years, CNN has made some odd

  • moves. It replaced thepopular Larry King with one of the scheming footman fromDownton

  • Abbey.” it is good to see my old friends at MSNBC. Chris Matthews is here. Chris Matthews has the only show

  • where the commercial exists just so they can wipe the spittle off the lens. By the way,

  • during the Boston coverage on MSNBC last week, Chuck Todd stopped

  • a pundit from speculating on on fire sideunverified information. There is no joke

  • here. I’m just letting the people at CNN know that you can do that. This is a learning

  • experience.

  • Hello to Fox news star Bill O’Reilly, Bill has become quite the author. He’s had two

  • recent bestsellers, ” Killing Kennedyandkilling Lincoln.” He also wrote a

  • book that wasn’t as nearly as popularthe Natural Peaceful Death of Taft. What were

  • you thinking.

  • The truth is Bill O’Reilly (and this is true) is now working on his next book, due

  • out this fall, this time about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time in history

  • Jesus’s death is blamed on Obamacare.

  • Two quick shout outs to PBS and NPR. PBSyes! [applause] Those people love to party. Guys

  • if you get lucky tonightBe safe, where a tote bag. It works. You have got to love

  • NPR. Still the number one source for news delivered as if there is a toddler sleeping

  • in the next room. Shh!

  • NBC NEWS is in the house. They have had a rough go of it. The Today Show let go of Ann

  • Curry. After being told that an curry said, how broker tells the world that he crafted

  • answer the White House and I am getting fired? Al is the reason there are no more tours of

  • the White House, theyre still hosing it down.

  • Brian Williams is here. Brian – I am a big fan of your show. Rock Center with Brian Williams

  • If you haven’t seen it, imagine brand delivering the evening news on a different

  • floor of the building, a little later, with a slightly different tie. It is a mind blower.

  • You gotta check it out.

  • As I look all around the room, I see all the media here tonight, I realize this is one

  • big high school cafeteria. That is all it is. Think about it. Fox is the jocks. MSNBC

  • is the nerds. Bloggers are the Goths. NPR is the table for kids with peanut allergies.

  • [laughter] Al Jazeera is the weird foreign- exchange student nobody talks to. And print

  • media, you are the poor kid who died sophomore year in a car crash. Ya, cheer up, we dedicate

  • the yearbook to you.

  • Of course, probably the biggest or that people covered this past year was the Republicans

  • failure to recapture the White House. Hard to believe they did not fare better with this

  • port of celebrities like Ted Nugent and Meatloaf. They underestimated the number of voters who

  • still drive carpeted vans.

  • The republican party’s on the mend. One rising star on the right is Senator Marco

  • Rubio. Or as he is known in the republican party, our black guy. Ya.

  • By the way, as of today come in the U.S. Senate has a record number of African- american senators.

  • Two. Two. In other words, there are now more African-Americans in the senate and in a Mumford

  • and Sons concert. Thank you, younger people.

  • Paul Ryan — I don’t understand! What’s he babbling about? Who is this man? Paul Ryan

  • recentlyhe really burst through when he ran or Vice President. After the election,

  • Ryan said President Obama was reelected because of the high turnout of urban voters. When

  • he was asked how he liked his coffee he said, no milk, no sugar, just urban.

  • Well there is RNC chairman writes previousReince Priebus. Tonight he is sitting

  • between his brothers lather and repeat.

  • House majority leader Eric Cantor is here. Or as I like to refer to him, yet another

  • Jewish Republican from the southGet sold.

  • That also reminds me also joining us a Congressman from New York named Steve Israel. He is from

  • New York and his name is Israel. Now, there is pandering, and then there is pandering.

  • That is like having a Congressman from South Carolina named Jesus H.Gunmy name is

  • JesusJesus H. Gun.

  • Youve got to use this thing, it is fantastic. [Gavel Pounds]

  • I mentioned Chris Christie earlier, governor Christie and Shaquille O’neal are sitting

  • at the same dinner table. So, let’s give it up for the real unsung hero tonight, their

  • waiter. That poor bastard is gonna lose an arm.

  • And I believe we have one or two supreme court justices here. The supreme court seems divided

  • over same-sex marriage. The liberal justices favorite it while the conservatives oppose

  • any life long union between two men, unless it is Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas.

  • What the hell was that?

  • There’s no surprise, Speaker John Boehner is not here tonight. Speaker banner and President

  • Obama are still struggling to get along. President Obama and John Boehner, are kind of like a

  • blind date between Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow. In theory, they understand each other’s

  • positions, but deep down, you know nothing’s ever gonna happen.

  • [Gavel Pounds] [Gavel Pounds] Speaking of nothing happening, we are all hoping of course

  • that nothing happens with North Korea. And that got me wondering, what is with Kim Jong-un?

  • In the past, we have had really scary enemies like Saddam Hussain and Hitler. Now, suddenly

  • our nemesis is a pouty teenage boy who dresses like Rosie O’donnell at the Emmys. Kim Jong-un

  • does not understand that we aren’t afraid of him. What that guy doesn’t get is

  • that we already have an unstable peninsula that will ultimately bring down america. It

  • is called Florida. Yes it is.

  • Yes, President Obama has a lot on his plate right now. But he is at the very nice stage

  • where there are no more secrets left to come out about him. We all know that he lived in

  • Indonesia as a child, studied at a Muslim seminary and occasionally ate dog. From the

  • beginning, a kid who had his eyes set on the U.S. Presidency. Check, and check. Here I

  • come.

  • I know the relationship between the President and the press can seem a bit strained at times.

  • Some in this room have accused him of being distant and aloof. When I asked the President

  • about it earlier, he said, oh, and then walked away.

  • Of course it is only natural, but Mr. President election was less exciting than the first

  • time around in 2008. An election night on 2008, you celebrated with hundreds of thousands

  • of people in Chicago’s Grant park. It was fascinating.

  • This time around, you split the Char-dog with David Axelrod at the wiener circle. It just

  • did not have the same buzz. And by the way I have a question. And I think some of you

  • also have this question. It has been several months since you were reelected, so I am curious,

  • why are you still sending everyone five e-mails a day asking for more money? You won. Do you

  • have a gambling problem we don’t know about? Did you put it all on Gonzaga? You did, didn’t

  • you? He did. [gavel pounds]

  • President Obama has already made a lot of changes in his second term. You recently,

  • Sir, you recently appointed John Kerry and Chuck Hagel. Very smart moves. You appointed

  • the only two people in the United States who look even more tired than you. A great strategy.

  • Mr. President, you will leave office as a very young man. And yet the Presidency has

  • taken it’s toll. I don’t want to alarm you sir, but you are starting to look like

  • a judge onLaw and Order.” Just say, you are on thin ice, counselor. You could

  • have that part right away. Seriously, Mr. President, your hair is so white, it could

  • be a member of your cabinet. He can handle it.

  • Speaking of the Cabinent, the President, he recently picked the new treasury secretary,

  • Jack Lew. If the President ever has to let him go, he can say, it is not Lew, it’s

  • me. But the quote a city must but the President is that he is always the coolest guy in the

  • room. That is what everyone says. He is the coolest guy in the room. Here is my question.

  • Who else is in that room? It is not hard to be the cool one when the other guys in the

  • room are Biden, Hagel, and Kerry. I would be cool to if I was in a room where Tom Vilsack

  • is showing Steven Chu how to do the Harlem Shake.

  • Now, I have made some jokes about the President this evening. Now, I am looking forward to

  • my audit.

  • President Obama: It’s coming.

  • Conan O'Brien: It is coming. I know, sir, It’s coming.

  • But, I would like to take a moment here and change gears and say some into the President.

  • Regarding the events of the past two weeks. Some of you may not know this. I grew up in

  • Boston. My parents still live there. My brother, Luke, raised his family in Watertown. I would

  • like to take this opportunity to thank, you Mr. President, for visiting that great city

  • and helping its people begin to heal with your inspiring words. It’s made a huge difference.

  • It has been said recently that you don’t mess with Boston. As someone who grew up there,

  • I would like to echo that sentiment. It is really pretty simple. If youre going to