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  • -Hey, everybody. Welcome to "Tonight Show: At-Home Edition."

  • My name is Jimmy Fallon. Thank you very much.

  • It is Day 59 of quarantine.

  • 59, I believe. That's the number going out there.

  • So almost 60.

  • Tomorrow's 60 days in quarantine.

  • I'm staying at home.

  • I'm wearing my mask if I do go out, which is rare.

  • I'm walking my dog.

  • My dog, Gary, was faking a limp today.

  • She was --

  • She didn't want to walk as long as I wanted.

  • I go, "Gary, come on.

  • This is a thing."

  • She started, like, limping.

  • I go, "Alright, no problem."

  • So, I try to walk her home really slow,

  • stopping all the way.

  • Then once we got home, running around

  • like nothing -- like nothing happened.

  • Let's get to some jokes here.

  • Guys, if things aren't crazy enough,

  • this weekend, it snowed in New York City.

  • We've been quarantined for so long,

  • most New Yorkers woke up, were like, "Holy crap!

  • I slept through the summer."

  • Yeah. What season is it?

  • Listen, I just saw that across the country,

  • as states lifted restrictions,

  • several mini-golf courses have reopened.

  • But this is a little different. You know at the end

  • when you have to get the ball in the clown's mouth?

  • The clown's now wearing a mask.

  • Very difficult.

  • Very difficult.

  • Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin announced

  • that restrictions in Russia will be lifted tomorrow.

  • That's right. Putin said now that people can go back

  • to enjoying all the old restrictions.

  • Some entertainment news. I saw that there's a television series

  • based on the "National Treasure" movies coming to Disney Plus.

  • And this is strange -- the Nicolas Cage role

  • will be played by Joe Exotic.

  • Check this out. 7-Eleven has teamed up with Nike

  • to create a pair of 7-Eleven sneakers.

  • Take a look.

  • And this is cool -- All the sneakers

  • are made from the same leather as their hot dogs.

  • They wait for it to rotate

  • probably a good 100, 120 rotations.

  • Then they make the sneakers.

  • Listen to this. A rare type of sea slug called the blue dragon

  • has been washing up on a seashore in Texas.

  • Is it me, or does "blue dragon" sound like

  • knock-off male enhancement pills that you get at a 7-Eleven?

  • Right next to the sneakers.

  • Well, once the pandemic's over,

  • I read that more workplaces will go back to cubicles

  • and private offices instead of open-floor plans.

  • [ Fake crying ] That's too bad, because I'm really gonna miss

  • hearing everyone's hilarious ringtones.

  • Ah, yeah. You're a fan of Lizzo.

  • [ Chuckles ]

  • Oh, you're a fan of Lizzo, too. Your ringtone's Lizzo.

  • I get it. [ Chuckles ]

  • I heard that a lot of grocery stores

  • are now limiting the amount of meat you can buy.

  • It's awkward when you try to check out with too much,

  • and the cashier's like, "We got a meat hog at register five.

  • We got a classic meat hog."

  • I read that some people on dating apps

  • are trying to get their matches to break social distancing rules

  • and meet up. And they're even trying out

  • some quarantine-themed pick-up lines, too.

  • I'll show you what I mean.

  • For example, there is, "I just tested negative for antibodies

  • but tested positive for your body."

  • There's also, "Is that a testing kit in your pocket?

  • Because I hope it is a testing kit in your pocket.

  • There's a shortage of those."

  • And finally, "I'm a Cuomo in the streets

  • and a Fauci in the sheets."

  • There you have it.

  • That's the monologue right there, everybody.

  • Oh, my goodness.

  • What a show we have for you tonight.

  • Multitalented guy.

  • We're so happy to have him on the show.

  • Seth MacFarlane is here.

  • This is his charity --

  • peacocktv.com/forgood.

  • He's doing this at-home variety series

  • starting tonight at 7:00 p.m. on Peacock.

  • Check out what he's doing. It's all for great causes.

  • So, we love having Seth MacFarlane on the show.

  • Also on the show, founder of the Momofuku restaurant group.

  • And he has a show, he's the host, called "Ugly Delicious."

  • My man David Chang is on the show tonight.

  • And here is his charity that he's working with tonight

  • to raise some money for the restaurant workers out there.

  • And for musical guests tonight, we have Lady Antebellum

  • who will be performing "Champagne Night,"

  • which is a song that was composed

  • by one of the winners of "Songland" on NBC.

  • You know, during these times in quarantine,

  • I'm looking for anything that can inspire me,

  • whether it be from my wife or something my kids say

  • or something I hear a bird chirp

  • or things I've seen on Instagram.

  • It's time for "#Blessed #Inspired."

  • ♪♪

  • -And now, "#Blessed #Inspired."

  • -Guys, we've been holed up in this quarantine for a while now,

  • so we're looking for any inspirational thoughts

  • or quotes or visions.

  • And I know where to find them -- Instagram.

  • It's time for "#Blessed #Inspired."

  • Our first inspirational quote is...

  • "Your opinion of me doesn't define who I am.

  • But if my pic of my homemade sourdough doesn't get any likes,

  • do I even exist?"

  • [ Chimes ]

  • How about this morsel?

  • "Do one thing each day that scares you.

  • Unless it's catching a spider,

  • which my wife and I agreed is really more her department."

  • 'Cause I'm not touching that thing.

  • [ Chuckling ] Ew.

  • [ Tibetan bowl chiming ]

  • Here's a treasure.

  • "There's no saint without a past,

  • no sinner without a future.

  • And there's definitely no Patriots without Tom Brady."

  • Oh, they ain't gonna do it this year!

  • No way, Tom!

  • Nuh-unh. Tompa Bay. Tompa Bay.

  • Here's a spot of light

  • sent through a prism of a raindrop

  • and refracted and "reflacted"

  • and reflected and refracted in fractals.

  • "Words can come back to haunt you,

  • especially if you just ate tuna salad

  • and you're wearing a face mask."

  • [ Bowl chimes softly ]

  • Here's a bonus chunk of granola.

  • "Be a voice, not an echo.

  • Unless you're trying to really annoy someone,

  • annoy someone, annoy someone."

  • [ Chimes ]

  • I see you!

  • See you over there!

  • [ Chuckles ] This is a little blessing.

  • "Some say that happiness is a warm puppy,

  • but nobody says that happiness is a room-temperature cat."

  • We're down to our last gentle nugget.

  • "Help people even when you know they can't help you back.

  • Then keep reminding them about that time you helped them.

  • They love that."

  • That's all we have time for

  • for this edition of "#Blessed #Inspired."

  • Thank you very much.

  • [ Tibetan bowl chimes ]

  • ♪♪

  • Oh, that guy --

  • That guy has it all figured out.

  • That guy's found peace.

  • Hey, you know what? I want to check on some friends,

  • 'cause I miss my friends.

  • I miss my crew over at NBC. I miss the Roots.

  • So I got a chance to check in with Tariq from the Roots today.

  • And he just seemed a little bothered, just a little irked.

  • Check it out. -♪ Tariq's Irk List

  • All the things that irk Tariq

  • -Hey, Tariq! What's up, my man?! How you doing?!

  • -Hey, what's up? What's up, Jimmy?

  • -[ Laughs ] You doing good, man?

  • -I'm good. I'm just thinking of some stuff

  • that I need to add to my Irk List.

  • -Your Irk List?

  • -Yeah, you know, like, my list of things that irk me,

  • piss me off.

  • -What do you mean? What's irking you?

  • What's bothering you? -I mean, you know,

  • I'm just tired of being talked down to in my own home, Jimmy.

  • -People in your house are talking down to you?

  • -Yeah, exactly. Exactly, man.

  • The wife, the toddler,

  • the teenager, they all talk down to me.

  • I mean, granted, they're all taller than me, you know?

  • [ Both laugh ]

  • That's cool. I'll give you that.

  • -You're not that short, though.

  • -I'm not that short, but, you know, just a little bit.

  • You know, I just want to be built up a little bit, man.

  • You know? -What are they doing to you?

  • -They're too petty, man.

  • It's like they take all my favorite things,

  • and they store them just a little bit beyond my reach.

  • -[ Laughs ] -Right?

  • So, like it's to make me think I can reach it

  • and then, you know, I try. And then I realize I can't.

  • And then it's like, "Oh, you know, why don't you grow up?"

  • But I'm full grown.

  • [ Both laugh ]

  • It's like, I don't have, you know,

  • a retractable mechanical arm.

  • I don't have, like, a ladder,

  • a proper stepping stool,

  • or a trampoline to pick up snacks, you know?

  • [ Both laugh ]

  • -You're not Inspector Gadget.

  • -Yeah, what I wind up having to do

  • is, like, risk life and limb by climbing up on a stool.

  • And then I get what I need.

  • And then, like, to get back down, it's more of an ordeal.

  • I got to like, you know, come down to one knee.

  • You know what I'm saying?

  • God forbid I jump off the stool.

  • I mean, I could be jumping to my doom. Nah.

  • -This is stress he does not need.

  • This is stress you do not need.

  • -Exactly. It's too much, man. It irks me.

  • My 4-year-old son Tariq, you know Tariq.

  • -Yeah, I love him. -He can reach everything.

  • He can reach everything,

  • no matter how high we try to hide it.

  • -He's a cool dude.

  • -Last week, I found a pile of wrappers

  • and containers and stuff, like, hidden in the cabinet

  • of all sorts of stuff, man --

  • gummies, snack bars, Go-GURTs, random KIT KAT wrappers.

  • [ Both laugh ]

  • It was a mess.

  • And this is all stuff that we keep on a shelf

  • that's like 12 feet high. You know what I'm saying?

  • I'm like, how can you reach that?

  • -Yeah, man. -If you're that smart

  • and that self-sufficient,

  • you should be able to wipe your own butt, right?

  • -[ Laughs ] -I mean, you should be.

  • But no. No.

  • You know what I'm saying?

  • I feel like he probably can,

  • but he'd just rather, you know, like, call for the royal wiper,

  • like Prince Akeem in "Coming to America."

  • And then, you know -- -Why not?

  • -Exactly. Then here I come.

  • -He knows what he can do and what he can't.

  • -Yeah, it irks me, man. It irks me.

  • [ Both laugh ]

  • You know what else irks me?

  • -What?

  • -You know, talkative tooth brushers.

  • -Talkative tooth brushers?

  • -Yeah, it's like my wife, man.

  • I feel like, if it's something pressing you that much

  • that you have to tell me right now,

  • don't wait until you're brushing your teeth.

  • The electric toothbrush is going.