Uh, getting married is not that much fun.

結婚其實一點都不有趣。

You're not allowed to say that, especially if you're a woman, god forbid, over 30.

尤其當你是個年過 30 的女人，這根本像是禁語。

Like, "well your just lucky that the lord sent you someone... to put up with your shit."

人們會說：「老天施捨你一個願意忍受妳的人就不錯了。」

"Kissing your dog on the mouth, stop taking videos."

「還跟你的狗嘴對嘴親親，別再拍了！」

There is a world where you can't admit that something is difficult, but also love the byproduct of it.

你無法認為一件事很艱難，但卻對它產生的事物愛不釋手。

I love my husband, but the wedding part is exhausting.

我愛我老公，但結婚真的是累死人。

It is a physical, and mental, and financial, just gauntlet.

根本是肉體、精神、經濟上的酷刑。

Even down to the last minute, the wedding itself, the whole year is exhausting planning it.

婚禮到最後一分鐘都很累人。婚禮本身、婚前一整年規劃都讓人筋疲力盡。

It's fun, you love your mom...

是很好玩，你愛你媽…

But it's a whole thing.

但整個就是很麻煩。

But even just the day, let's talk about the day.

即使只看婚禮當天，我們來聊聊婚禮那天。

What happened on the day of your wedding, girls?

姐妹們，結婚當天妳們需要做什麼？

Right?

對吧？

You had to prepare for it, like you woke up early.

妳要做盛大的準備，要非常早起。

"mmm, just wanna greet the sun."

「跟美麗的晨光說聲早安。」

Got up at like six, like when your dad gets up.

六點就起床，跟你爸一樣早起。

Uhh, right?

噁，對吧？

What, you meditated?

怎樣？是要冥想嗎？

"I just wanna be centered." Right?

「我只想全神貫注在婚禮上。」

You worked out like it matters, it doesn't.

當天妳還特意健身，搞得好像那會有什麼差別，並沒有。

It doesn't, you're not gonna lose any weight at the buzzer.

一點也沒有，你不可能臨時抱佛腳就瘦下來。

It's not gonna... no.

想得美…

It's never gonna happen.

不可能的。

What did you do?

還要做什麼事？

You did your little workout, and then you got your makeup done, and your nails, and a massage, and a colonic, and a hyperbaric chamber, and a hyperbolic chamber.

你小健了一下身、化了妝、做了美甲、按摩、大腸鏡檢查，還做了高壓氧治療跟…浮誇治療。

"Oh cause, amazing."

「因為很讚嘛！」

And you got a situation room, and a silence cone, and a shame corner, and a Reiki healing, and you went ghost hunting, you did all this stuff.

現場有戰情室、錐形靜寂區、反省角落、靈氣治療，還去抓鬼，妳全都做了。

What did your husband do on your wedding day?

妳老公婚禮當天幹了什麼？

I'll tell you: he woke up like whenever, went out to eat with his buddies.

告訴你，他愛幾點起床就幾點起，然後跟兄弟出去吃飯。

"Something tasty, doesn't matter if I'm fat, cause I'm a funny guy."

「去吃好吃的，我很胖也沒差，我是搞笑男沒關係。」

Who cares if it's bloated?

誰在乎新郎腫不腫？

Right?

對吧？

Then he went and got a haircut on the day of the wedding, are you kidding me?

然後他婚禮當天去剪了頭髮，跟我開什麼玩笑？

What faith do you have in this barber?

到底多信任理髮師？

Went out, had a drink, went home, jerked off, took a dump.

出門，喝了杯酒，回家，打手槍，再拉坨屎。

Who says you can't lose weight, right fellas?

誰說你減不了肥？

Who says you can't lose weight the day of?

誰說你沒辦法婚禮當天減肥？

Probably about 500 grams.

大概可以瘦 500 克。

He took a nap, he woke up to an alarm labeled "Wedding for you?" He barely made it.

再睡個午覺，等標題《來去婚禮？》的鬧鐘叫醒他，最後一秒趕上。