Ah, Mother's Day.

啊，母親節。

Yes, what a wonderful day.

沒錯，多麽美好的一天。

What are you gonna do for your mother on Mother's Day?

母親節你要為你母親做些什麼？

Are you gonna give her a fancy card, or some flowers, or some fuking emojis in a text?

你要給她一張很蝦趴的卡片、一些花還是一些該死的表情符號然後寫些字在上面？

I think it's all a bunch of gentle bullshit.

我覺得這些都是好看的垃圾。

Your fucking mom is hardcore, and here's why.

你媽她 X 的很硬派，理由如下。

I'm Michael Madsen, alright?

我是 Michael Madsen，好嗎？

[Michael Madsen (will fuck you up).]

[Michael Madsen (把你電到起飛)。]

I've been in Kill Bill and Sin City, Free Willy, which nobody remembers, Reservoir Dogs, I chopped off the cop's ear, right?

我演過《追殺比利》、《萬惡城市》、《威鯨闖天關》，雖然應該沒人聽過這部，還有《霸道橫行》，我在裡面砍掉警察耳朵。

And that was like, that was like, hardcore.

反正就是很硬派。

But you know something?

但你知道嗎？

There's somebody in this world that's more hardcore than me.

世界上有人比我還有硬派。

It's your mom.

就是你媽。

They're the most hardcore bitches on the earth.

她們是地表最硬派的一群女人。

I mean, family and you know, I'm sorry, but it's the truth.

你知道，面對家庭之類的，抱歉這麼說，但這是事實。

Yeah, I had to have an episiotomy. [Real mom.]

沒錯，我必須要執行會陰切開術。[真正的母親]

An episiotomy is a cut of the perineum.

會陰切開術就是切開會陰。

The perineum is the area between your taint.

而會陰就是你胯下區域啦！

Chances are if you don't have an episiotomy, it'll shatter, like glass shatters.

實際上，如果你不執行會陰切開術，妹妹會裂開，像玻璃裂開那樣。

That also happens to skin, so I've had two episiotomies.

周邊皮膚也會如此，所以我切了兩次。

That's hardcore.

這夠硬派。

Here's the deal.

聽好。

She made you with her organs.

她用她的器官造出了你。

She made your skeleton, your fucking eyeballs, and your fucking nose and your toes and your God damn feet.

她造出了你的骨骼、你該死的眼球、他 X 的鼻子、腳趾還有腳。

Ten days before I gave birth, I got shingles. [Another real mom.]

在我生產前 10 天，我感染帶狀皰疹。[另一位母親的真實故事]

Shingles is basically the dead chicken pox virus, and you normally get it if you're 80.

帶狀皰疹基本上就是死掉的水痘皰疹病毒，你通常在 80 歲的時候會得到。

And then when I was pushing him out, they said that I overstretched my pelvis, so your pelvis isn't like this anymore, it's basically like that.

然後當我在努力生我兒子的時候，他們說我過度伸展我的骨盆，然後我的骨盆不再是這樣了，基本上變這樣。

That's vicious.

這太狠了。

I don't know why they call it having a baby.

我不太懂為什麼是叫「有」寶寶。

I have a pizza, have a pizza, want some pizza?

我有一個比薩，來片比薩，要不要來點比薩？

Then having a baby.

然後有寶寶。

Can you imagine a skull coming out of the end of your dick?

你能不能想像一個骨頭從你老二的尾端跑出來？

Can you imagine like a, like they shit a watermelon.

你能不能想像，他們拉的屎跟西瓜一樣大坨。

I mean, my god.

我的老天。

Some respect here.

給點尊敬吧！

And then finally I was like, okay. [Also another real mom.]

然後最後我就，喔好吧。[另一個真實母親故事]

I feel like I'm really gonna die.

我覺得我快掛了。

She rolls me over, opens my legs and the baby's head's already out.

她把我翻過來、打開我的腿然後寶寶的頭已經出來了。

Holy fuck.

靠 X 咧。

What are you gonna do?

你要怎麼辦？

Give her flowers?

送她花？

What you should do is give her a beer.

你該做的是給她一瓶啤酒。

Smash it over your fucking head.

讓她砸爛它在你他 X 的腦子上。

And then just say, thank you Mom.

然後只要說聲：「謝謝媽」，就好。

Call her up on your God damn phone.

快拿起你該死的手機打給她啊！

Hey Mom?

喂，媽？

Michael Madsen just told me to say thank you for having a cesarean.

Michael Madsen 剛剛叫我跟你說聲，謝謝妳剖腹產。

See?

看吧？

Makes a lot more sense, right?

合理多了，對吧？

Anyway, skull-shitter.

反正，骨頭屎者。

You know, you parasitic animal that you are, if you're gonna take your mom out for some fancy fucking brunch or something somewhere, don't give her that orange juice that's made out of concentrate.

你知道，你這寄生動物，如果你想帶你媽媽出去很潮的早午餐店或其他地方，不要只幫她點用濃縮果汁還原的橘子汁。

You need to give her back some of that calcium that she gave up while she was making your God damn skeleton and your fucking teeth and your eyeballs and everything else that makes a person a person, alright?

你必須還她在造出你該死的骨骼、牙齒、眼球還有一切讓你成為人的東西時，所流失的鈣質或其他養分。

There ain't nobody as hardcore as your mom, alright?

世界上沒有人跟你媽一樣硬派，知道嗎？

Except maybe a grandmother. [Real Abuela]

除非是你奶奶。[真實的奶奶故事]

I was 15, oh, 16 years old.

我當時 15，喔不對，16 歲。

Like I died and went to hell.

我感覺我都掛了去地獄了。

They gave me ether.

他們在我生的時候給我乙醚。

They had to slap me awake 'cause I couldn't wake up.

他們一直搧我巴掌因為後來我醒不來。

My ear hurts all the time.

我耳朵到現在都還會痛。

They did break my jaw, yeah, that's true.

他們的確打斷了我下巴，這是真的。

That's bonkers.

這太瘋狂了。

I mean holy fuck.

真的太靠 X 了。

So happy fucking Mother's Day.

所以，母親節他 X 的快樂。

Love you, Mom.

愛你喔，媽。

[Funny or Die.]

[Funny or Die 呈現。]

Why do they call them babies?

為什麼要稱這些東西「寶寶」？

Let's get real, let's give it a right name.

我們老實說吧，給他們起個對的名字。

They're skull-shitters.

他們是「骨頭屎者」。

Little babies are skull-shitters.

小寶寶都是骨頭屎者。

They're just a skull taking a shit.

他們就只是會拉屎的骨頭。

You know, when I was born, I was a skull-shitter.

你知道，我出生的時候，我也曾是會拉屎的骨頭。

Alright?

好嗎？

So were you.

所以你也是。

You're a skull-shitter, we're both skull-shitters, let's face it.

你是骨頭屎者，我們都是骨頭屎者，面對這件事好嗎？

We suck.

我們就爛。

If your mom was my mom, I'd get down on all fours and I'd let her use me as a fucking ottoman, alright?

如果你媽是我媽，我會趴在地上然後讓她把我當坐墊用，懂嗎？

Yeah.

沒錯。

[Happy Fucking Mother's Day.]

[母親節快樂！]