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  • - You know what, I can't do it.

  • I'm not really good in balance.

  • - I don't do that sort of thing.

  • - Are you shaking?

  • - I do work at a dispensary though.

  • - And now you're kinda looking down this way,

  • you won't look at me even though you have glasses on.

  • Why?

  • (police siren wailing) I'm Jim Huertas,

  • former law enforcement, 12 years.

  • Today I'm gonna see who's stoned.

  • (suspenseful music)

  • That's a motley looking crew.

  • How 'bout you first?

  • What's your name? - All right.

  • Destiny.

  • - Destiny, have a seat please.

  • - Oh, we're standing. - Yeah.

  • - Hello.

  • - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

  • - Having a good day?

  • - I am, how 'bout you?

  • - I'm having a great day.

  • When was the last time you ate?

  • - Oh God, lunchtime, so probably noon.

  • I know, I'm like, what time is it?

  • - Yeah? Okay. - Yeah, it's been a while.

  • - What do you do for fun?

  • - When I'm not busy, I like to walk my dog.

  • I enjoy spin classes, that's kinda fun.

  • Art is fun.

  • I dunno, young people things, going dating.

  • - Oh, young people things. - Young people things.

  • - Well, I don't know what that is.

  • - You know, like,

  • farmer's markets. - I'm old, I don't know.

  • Oh okay. - Festivals.

  • - Well, that's old people things too.

  • - Okay, well you know, all people things.

  • - Ah, (laughs) perfect.

  • Okay, I don't need any more questions.

  • - Okay, thank you. - Thanks.

  • How 'bout you, sir?

  • - How's it going?

  • - Good, what's your name?

  • - Jeff, nice to meet you.

  • - Nice to meet you as well.

  • - What do you do for a living, Jeff?

  • - I work here at Buzzfeed. - Oh, you do.

  • - Mm-hmm. - Oh.

  • When was the last time you ate?

  • - It was at noon.

  • I ate with Destiny at lunch. (Jim laughs)

  • I was like, right when you asked that question earlier,

  • I was like, what did I eat for lunch?

  • But yeah, noon. (Jim laughs)

  • - And what do you do for fun?

  • - Play basketball,

  • play beach volleyball since we're out here now,

  • and then just binge-watch TV shows when I can.

  • - Gotcha.

  • You say out here now.

  • Where ya from? - So I'm from Indiana.

  • - You gonna take your glasses off and let me see your eyes?

  • - Nah, we can't do that. - Ah, man, you're hobblin' me.

  • All right Jeff, thank you.

  • - Appreciate it.

  • - How 'bout you?

  • - Hi.

  • - And your name?

  • - Irene.

  • - Irene, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too.

  • - Have a seat.

  • Do you live here?

  • - I live in south central LA.

  • - And how long have you lived there?

  • - My whole life. - The whole thing, huh?

  • You ever travel?

  • - Yeah, I do.

  • - Where do you travel to?

  • - I been to New York, Kentucky,

  • Florida, Alaska. - All right.

  • - Louisana.

  • - Nowhere out of the country though?

  • - No, not yet.

  • - When did you last eat?

  • - Just about maybe-- - Noon?

  • - 25 minutes ago. - (laughs) Oh, okay.

  • What did you eat?

  • - There was a bunch of different things

  • and toppings I could choose from, so I just kinda--

  • - Was it good? - Yeah, it was.

  • - Yeah? I think that's good.

  • - Yeah, you sure? - I am.

  • - And how 'bout you, sir?

  • And your name?

  • - Brenden.

  • - Brenden, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

  • - Hands are cold, Brenden.

  • - Ah yeah, I got cold hands, cold feet, all day long.

  • - Cold hands, cold feet. - That's me.

  • - Hmm. You nervous?

  • - No, not at all.

  • - Not sitting across from a cop?

  • Doesn't make you nervous?

  • - No, I have nothing to be nervous about.

  • - Is your mouth dry?

  • No? - No.

  • - Why are you licking your lips and your teeth?

  • - Well, I have chapped lips.

  • - Oh, well you know that makes them even more chapped,

  • the more you lick 'em.

  • - Does it really? - It does, yeah.

  • - Well, I've learned something today.

  • - But you're licking your teeth

  • more than you're licking your lips.

  • - That's hyper-specific.

  • - And now you're kinda looking down this way.

  • You won't look at me even though you have glasses on.

  • Why?

  • - It's all a ruse.

  • - It's all a ruse. - Mm-hmm.

  • - You're trying to trick me.

  • - I'm working you hard, man.

  • - Oh, you're working me hard.

  • All right, when did you last eat?

  • - About 30--

  • - I don't care when you last ate, I truly don't care.

  • It's just something to get you to talk.

  • Can you go like this?

  • You can't stick your tongue out further than that?

  • Okay, perfect.

  • What did you eat?

  • - Two packages of Ritz peanut butter crackers

  • (laughs) which does sound incriminating.

  • - You're almost making this real easy (laughs),

  • almost making it real easy.

  • How'd you get to work today?

  • - I drove.

  • - Do you work here? - I do.

  • - Okay, perfect.

  • What's your favorite way of getting high?

  • - I don't do that sort of thing.

  • - Okay. Not at all? - No.

  • - It's legal in the state. - Yeah, it's just--

  • - So I mean it's-- - Yeah, you know,

  • it's just not my cup of tea.

  • - It's not your cup of tea.

  • I think I'm good, thanks.

  • How about I have you come back down for a second?

  • - Sure.

  • - You don't mind, do ya? - No, mm-mm.

  • - Can you stick your tongue out for me?

  • That's as far, ah, can't go farther?

  • Ahhh.

  • - I got a short tongue.

  • - And how did you get to work today?

  • - I drove. - You drove too.

  • And you work here too, don't you?

  • - Nope, no I don't. - No?

  • - Oh, system's going wrong.

  • - Uh oh. - Ooh.

  • - Dang, now what am I going to do?

  • I like your nails.

  • - Thank you.

  • - Very nice. - Thank you.

  • - Hold both out for me.

  • All right.

  • (crickets chirping)

  • - You know it comes in tea too, though.

  • - It does come in tea too.

  • Cookies, gummy bears.

  • - Cornflakes.

  • - Cornflakes, brownies.

  • - Not that I do it though.

  • - No, not that you do it.

  • - I do work at a dispensary though.

  • - (laughs) Anything else you wanna tell me?

  • - No. - 'Cause you're offering up

  • a lot of information I didn't ask about.

  • - It's cool. - You can go back.

  • - One more time, Destiny, come see me.

  • - All right.

  • - Can you stick your tongue out for me?

  • - I can.

  • - And how 'bout your hands, like this.

  • You have nice nails too.

  • - Thank you.

  • - I don't, so lookit.

  • - That's okay.

  • - And go like that for me. - We can help you.

  • - You can do my nails for me? - Yeah.

  • - (laughs) I think that would be unacceptable.

  • In my line of work, anyway. - True.

  • - How'd you get to work today?

  • - I drove. - You drove?

  • - I did.

  • - How long have you worked here?

  • - Almost a year.

  • - You enjoy it? - I love it.

  • - Okay, I'm done. - Okay, wow.

  • - I just wanted to know more about you.

  • - Okay. - One more time, Jeff.

  • - Appreciate it, sir, I was getting lonely.

  • - Were you? - Yeah.

  • - Just standing up there by yourself.

  • Can you stick your tongue out for me?

  • Ahh (laughs).

  • How about your hands? - You're gonna check, yeah,

  • I was about to say, - Oh yeah.

  • - You're gonna check the nails next.

  • - Nah, you have ugly nails like me.

  • Flip 'em. - Yeah, I feel that.

  • - Why are you shaking? - Hmm?

  • - Why are you shaking? - Yeah, I noticed that too.

  • I always shake though.

  • I've noticed that.

  • - Do you? - Yeah.

  • - You're gonna tell me who's high, right, that we--

  • - I ain't a snitch either. (Jim laughs)

  • But I ain't gonna get fired, I'm not a snitch.

  • - Not a snitch, not gonna get fired.

  • Can you do me a favor? - Yeah.

  • - Can you stand up for me? - Yeah.

  • - Now.

  • - Do I need to stand somewhere special?

  • - Just right there is fine.

  • - I want you to put your feet together.

  • Heels and toes like this.

  • Hands down at your side, okay?

  • And I want you to stay there, okay?

  • I'm gonna ask you to perform a one leg stand.

  • I'm gonna have you point your foot, your toe.

  • Go ahead and look at my foot.

  • Point your toe, look at your toe,

  • and count one 1,000, two 1,000,

  • three 1,000, four 1,000,

  • and continue on until I tell you to stop.

  • - Feet together, heels and toes,

  • hands down at your side.

  • Stare at your toe.

  • You may begin.

  • - One 1,000, two 1,000,

  • three 1,000, four 1,000,

  • five 1,000, six 1,000,

  • seven 1,000, eight 1,000,

  • nine 1,000.

  • - Can you point your toe, though, as you're doing it?

  • There you go.

  • - Do you want me to start over?

  • - No, just keep going. - One, oh, nope, eleven, one.

  • - That's good.

  • - Okay, thank you.

  • - Yep, you're fine.

  • - How 'bout you?

  • D'you understand the instructions?

  • - Yeah.

  • - Feet together, heels and toes,

  • hands down at your side.

  • You're gonna raise your foot,

  • whichever one you want, I don't care.

  • Point your toe, look down at your toe and count,

  • one 1,000, two 1,000,

  • three 1,000, four 1,000,

  • and so on.

  • It's a timed maneuver.

  • I'll tell you when to stop.

  • You may begin.

  • - 1,000 (laughs), 2,000,

  • you know what, I can't do it.

  • I'm not really good in balance.

  • - Oh, you're not good at (laughs).

  • - I'm really not. - Okay.

  • - Okay, one 1,000.

  • - Remember, hands at your sides.

  • Look at your toe though.

  • - Three 1,000.

  • - Look at your toe. - Oh.

  • Four 1,000, five 1,000,

  • six 1,000, seven 1,000,

  • eight 1,000, nine 1,000,

  • ten 1,000.

  • - You just wanna stop there?

  • (Brenden, Destiny and Jeff laugh)

  • Perfect, thank you.

  • All right, I think I've seen enough,

  • gathered enough evidence,

  • and my pick for who's stoned is Irene.

  • - [Crew Member] Will the person

  • who smoked today step forward?

  • (sad comical trumpeting) - Jeff.

  • - How ya doing?

  • - It was those damn shakes.

  • - Honestly, I am a shaker though.

  • I thought that was gonna, like, be a tell,

  • but like, that is just me.

  • So yeah, how's everything--

  • - Take your glasses off for me, come on now.

  • - Could you still tell with the glasses,

  • can you, would I, wow.

  • - Wow, I should have just called your name that way.

  • - Exactly. - God.

  • - Now that all the mumbles come out.

  • - Man. - That was good, wasn't it?

  • That was poker face. - Yeah, that was good.

  • - I don't even know how to play poker,

  • but that poker face was out there.

  • - Yeah, you should go play poker.

  • - But yeah, how's everything else?

  • - Well, your eyes are dark,

  • the color of your eyes are dark,

  • so I really can't tell unless I get up close.

  • The process for doing all this would have been more,

  • more human, what we call the stupid human tricks

  • or whatever you wanna call 'em.

  • If I was doing this in the field,

  • I'd take your blood pressure,

  • I'd take your body temperature,

  • I'd look in your eyes.

  • I'd look at the size of your eyes

  • and darkness compared to light.

  • I'm a little hobbled here when you're wearing glasses,

  • 'cause you do understand,

  • have you ever been arrested?

  • - No. - If you get arrested

  • and you're dealing with a cop like this,

  • the glasses come off (laughs).

  • - Right, no doubt about it.

  • - You don't get to sit there and go,

  • nah, I'ma leave 'em on.

  • But no, you tricked me.

  • You got me good,

  • you got me good. - Appreciate it, sir.

  • - Don't appreciate it,

  • you made me look like a fool Jeff (laughs).

  • - So the system can be wrong, huh?

  • - No, I can be wrong.

  • - See, that was my first time doing that.

  • I have anxiety (Jim laughs)

  • so that's why I didn't have my balance, you know?

  • - You failed that test.

  • - Yeah, I know, right?

  • - Incredibly, you failed that test.

  • You didn't follow instructions,

  • you couldn't keep your balance.

  • It's pretty easy.

  • I mean, people would say, oh, I can't keep my balance.

  • Well, I've got normally 30 extra pounds of stuff on.

  • - I know right?

  • Yeah, my balance is not so good at all.

  • - You tricked me.

  • And then your tongue has,

  • it looks like you've smoked.

  • - I had some candy in there.

  • - You don't smoke cigarettes?

  • - No.

  • - Interesting, okay.

  • Well again, I was hobbled by the glasses,

  • so I'm just gonna use that as my excuse.

  • - It does cover up the soul of humans, huh?

  • - It does, it does.

  • You know, the eyes are the windows to everything.

  • - I mean, I was nervous 'cause of your uniform,

  • but other than that, I'm good.

  • - People get nervous with the uniform.

  • - I know, right?

  • - Yeah, I put it on this morning, it scared me.

  • - I mean, I see, in south central,

  • I see you guys all the time.

  • It's like you guys-- - We're everywhere.

  • - practice over there or something (laughs).

  • In South Central. (Jim laughs)

  • - Hmm, all right.

  • - But thanks. - Thank you.

  • Sorry for falsely picking you.

  • - Oh, I'm good.

  • - As you can tell, we all make mistakes (laughs).

  • Don't do drugs.

  • (upbeat saxophone-led music)

- You know what, I can't do it.

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A2 初級

退休警察猜測誰是高大上？ (Retired Police Officer Guesses Who's High)

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    Summer 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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