[If Google was a guy]

[如果 Google 是個人]

Google.

Google。

Six feet away, please.

請保持社交距離，謝謝。

Am I glad to see you.

很開心見到你。

I'm sure you have questions about the pandemic.

我相信你對疫情一定有些問題。

Are rhinos elephants?

犀牛是象類嗎？

Are what?

蛤...?

Toilet paper in bulk.

散裝廁紙。

Sold out, sorry.

已售罄，抱歉。

Ah, paper towel in bulk.

嗯...散裝紙巾。

Sold out, too.

也售罄了。

Tissue paper in bulk.

散裝衛生紙。

Sold out.

售罄。

You know, in olden days we just used rags.

知道嗎，在以前，我們都只用破布。

Underwear in bulk.

散裝內褲。

Very gross.

很噁！

How do I Zoom?

要怎麼使用 Zoom?

Videoconferencing is a great way to stay connected.

視訊是和他人保持聯繫的好方法。

Do I Zoom on Facebook?

可以用臉書來 Zoom 嗎？

Where to begin.

要從哪裡開始解釋？

How do I Facebook?

臉書怎麼用？

How islands stay put?

島嶼是怎麼待在原地的？

Nothing about coronavirus?

不問問新冠肺炎？

The quarantine?

隔離？

Islands have anchors?

島嶼有錨嗎？

Mojito recipe.

莫希托調法。

So you're going to need mint.

你需要薄荷。

Don't have it.

我沒有。

- Lime. - Don't have it.

- 萊姆。 - 我沒有。

- Club soda. - Don't have it.

- 蘇打水。 - 我沒有。

And rum.

跟蘭姆酒。

Woo, mojitos.

耶！莫希托！

Online yoga class.

線上瑜伽課程。

Good for you staying in shape.

還想到要維持身材不錯哦！

Online Zumba class.

線上 Zumba 舞課程。

Regular exercise is a great stress reliever.

規律運動可以減輕壓力呢！

Online crossfit class.

線上混合健身課程。

Just be careful to...

只是要小心...

Online chiropractor class.

線上整骨教學。

Pace yourself.

不要做過頭。

The rate of spread in foreign countries.

在外國的散播率。

The U.S. government response.

美國政府的應對。

Exclamation point but for quiet.

驚嘆但小聲表達的符號。

Chicken.

雞肉。

A lot of grocery stores are sold out so you're gonna need to get creative.

許多超市都沒貨了，所以你得想想創意的方法。

Farms near me.

最近的農場。

Good thinking.

好想法。

Some farms will deliver vegetables right to your door.

有些農場可以運蔬菜到你家。

Stealing chickens.

偷雞。

Uh, not that creative.

噢，太有創意了吧。

How to wash hands...

怎麼洗手——

Soap is one of the best weapons we have against the virus.

肥皂是對抗病毒的最佳利器之一。

Memes.

的梗圖！

Ugh, these are pretty funny, actually.

呃，這些其實，還蠻有趣的。

Jewel's "Hands" but for how to wash hands.

Jewel 的歌「手」，如何洗手版。

Ah, she didn't.

噢，真假！

Calculate volume sphere.

如何計算球體體積。

Why not ask a parent for some homeschooling?

怎麼不叫你爸媽教你？

Uh, calculate volume sphere.

呃...如何計算球體體積

♪ These hands are washed like so ♪

♪ 手手這樣洗 ♪

♪ With water first ♪

♪ 先打濕 ♪

♪ And then with soap ♪

♪ 再用肥皂 ♪

This slaps.

這個讚喔。

Dow Jones.

道瓊指數。

Bad news.

壞消息。

S&P 500.

S&P 500 指數。

Ooh, yikes.

呃，慘囉！

NASDAQ.

納斯達克指數。

Sorry.

我很遺憾。

Animal Crossing real estate.

動物森友會房市。

Not a real thing.

沒這東西。

Dollar to turnip exchange rate.

大頭菜的賣價。

How long quarantine?

隔離還要持續多久？

This says two months.

這則報導說兩個月。

Months?

月...?

This says six months.

這篇說六個月。

Oh my God.

我的天啊...

And this says 2021.

這篇則說 2021 年。

I have longer, if you want.

還有更久的結果，想聽嗎？

Animal shelter.

動物庇護所。

Animal shelters are struggling right now so it's a great time to bring home a quarantine buddy.

動物庇護所經營地很辛苦，所以現在去領養個居家隔離好夥伴也不錯。

Adopting a chicken.

領養雞。

Not that creative.

不用那麼有創意！

Time of day.

現在幾點。

4 p.m.

下午四點。

Day of week.

今天星期幾。

Thursday.

星期四。

Month of year.

現在幾月。

April.

四月。

2020 can suck my...

2020 年可以去——

Ah, so you know the year.

噢，所以你還知道現在西元幾年。

What do I do?

我該做什麼？

Do the five.

做那五件事！

Wash your hands often, cough into your elbow, don't touch your face, keep a safe distance from others, and stay home.

常洗手、咳嗽用手肘遮遮、不要碰臉、保持社交距離，還有待在家。

You're touching your face.

妳在碰臉。

I suddenly can't stop.

我突然就控制不住自己了。

Flat curve theory.

大曲率曲線理論。

Finally.

終於！

Flatten the curve means that if we practice social distancing we can control the spread of the virus over time, keeping hospitals from being overwhelmed and saving lives.

平緩曲線代表如果我們實施社交距離，就可以控制病毒的傳播，讓醫院不會過於忙碌，進而拯救人命。

Sorry, flat earth theory.

抱歉，地平說理論。

Oh God, I need a mojito.

天啊，我需要一杯莫希托。

Miami beach parties.

邁阿密海灘派對。

You realize how irresponsible this is?

你有意識到你這樣有多不負責任？

I'm 22.

我才 22 歲。

You could still give the virus to someone older than you or someone immunocompromised or die from it yourself.

你還是有可能傳染給較年長的人，或是免疫力不好的人，甚至你自己也可能因此死亡。

No one is completely safe.

沒人是安全的。

Sexy HAZMAT suit.

性感的防護衣。

Stay home.

給我待在家！

How to feel normal?

要如何感到正常？

Look, it's normal to not feel normal.

聽著，覺得自己不正常，是很正常的。

We've never gone through anything like this as a modern society so go easy on yourself and look for pleasant distractions.

我們從沒經歷過這種事情，所以對自己好一點，可以看看一些輕鬆的東西來讓自己分心。

Exclamation point but for quiet.

驚嘆但小聲表達的符號。

Let's find out.

來看看吧！

♪ These hands are washed liked so ♪

♪ 手手這樣洗 ♪

♪ With water first ♪

♪ 先打濕 ♪

♪ And then with soap ♪

♪ 再抹上肥皂 ♪

♪ Scrub back and forth ♪

♪ 好好搓揉 ♪

♪ And to and fro ♪

♪ 再來一次 ♪

♪ For at least 30 seconds ♪

♪ 至少 30 秒 ♪