Here I am again in my living room.

It's one of my favorite rooms in the house.

Over the past year I've spent hours and hours

getting everything exactly right,

trying to make it beautiful and cozy.

And now there's a camera, lights everywhere.

Microphone pointing at my crotch really ties the room together.

I hope-- thanks, Andy.

Andy's laughing at what I'm saying.

[LAUGHTER]

Appreciate it.

I can hear today.

You heard the word crotch.

[LAUGHTER]

I hope you like what we're doing with these shows.

I hope it can take your mind off of what's happening.

I want to say that we know this is a very serious situation

that we're all dealing with.

So if anyone is at home sick, I'm sending you love.

I'm thinking about you.

And we're all doing our part.

We're staying home, making sure nobody gets sick.

And since I'm here, I've had a lot of time to sit and think.

Sorry, I meant sit and drink.

That's what I meant.

But when the bottle is empty, I think.

A lot of random thoughts pop into my head,

and I want to remember them.

So I write them down on a piece of paper.

I put them in a special box.

And I'm going-- this is actually--

this is yarn.

This is not the right thing.

This is an Amazon order.

I was going to learn how to knit.

So I have lots of different--

I don't have the needles yet.

I just have the yarn.

Here, oh, I think it's this box.

All right.

So this is-- here are some random thoughts that--

written down, OK.

Here we go.

Actually, I wrote them down.

And then what I did is I typed them on pieces of paper.

And then I cut them.

[LAUGHTER]

If a Tesla is quiet when it's moving a whole car,

why can't a leaf blower be quiet when it's moving a tiny leaf?

I hear cheers out there.

That's a good question.

It is.

Seriously.

It is.

It's hilarious.

It's not hilarious.

It's infuriating.

I find it funny.

Since I've been stuck at home, I've

already learned Portuguese.

Not the language, the word, Portuguese.

It means someone from Portugal.

[LAUGHTER]

Remember that painting of all the dogs playing poker?

I wonder who won?

This is funny stuff, Ellen.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

My thoughts.

Those creepy bears from the Charmin commercial

must be millionaires now.

They really were creepy bears.

They were way too into the Charmin.

I wonder what Marie Kondo is doing?

[LAUGHTER]

There should be a word for that little unblended piece

of banana at the bottom of a smoothie.

I'll call it a wibble.

Relatable.

Well, yeah.

As in, it's funny because it's true.

Yep.

If we're all supposed to be flattening the curve,

can I still wear a bra?

[LAUGHTER]

You know what movie wouldn't have

worked during a quarantine?

Home Alone.

[LAUGHTER]

You're killing it today, Ellen.

Thank you so much.

My audience of one.

Two, because Portia is in here.

Since Tom Brady is the greatest of all time,

they call him the goat.

So I think we should find the greatest goat

and call him the Tom Brady.

[LAUGHTER]

If we were in the studio, that would get a laugh and--

[APPLAUSE]

Laugh and applause, you think?

Oh, totally.

I miss all the things I used to complain about.

I'd give anything right now to be

stuck behind a Corolla trying to make a left-hand turn.

That's it, I'm out of thoughts.

I'll have plenty of time to come up with more,

don't you worry about that.

Right now, I'm thinking about how much I miss tWitch.

tWitch, are you there?

Can you hear me?

Are you around?

I am, I'm here.

I'm around.

Hi.

What's up?

It's good to see you.

Hi.

Well, it's good to see you too.

What's happening?

Oh, you know, we just--

nap time right now, Ellen.

That's it.

That's why we've got a little bit of quiet in the house right

now.

Ah, that's nice.

Hey, listen, I want to show-- if people have not

been watching you and Allison doing these TikTok videos,

I would like to show them one of them

right now, if you don't mind.

Because I love them.

I love seeing you to dance, so let's show them.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(SINGING) We taught you how to [INAUDIBLE]..

You're four [INAUDIBLE],, you're [INAUDIBLE]..

And the way emotion, motion in my [INAUDIBLE] that the way you

move with it.

When I rise up, Baby, don't shy up.

Open your mind, don't knock it till you try it, darling.

Show off, when you come closer.

Don't waste no time.

Love it when I manage time.

That's a fun one, thank you.

Yes, indeed.

[APPLAUSE]

Yes, yes.

Yes.

Portia's clapping too.

Andy, did you see that?

No, I can't see anything.

You know that.

The tinted windows.

But I heard it, and I felt it.

And I love tWitch.

Yeah, well, and Allison looks fantastic.

I can't believe--

Oh, Allison looked great too.

Well, you don't know that.

OK.

Yeah.

What are you drinking today?

I will be having my white wine concoction again.

I think that's probably been one of my favorite quarantine

discoveries.

White wine-- did you not drink white wine

before the quarantine?

Not too-- not too much.

I've really kind of doubled down on it now.

I was like-- I like the red, you know.

And then obviously you know I drank whiskey at one point

in time.

But the Sauvignon with like a couple of ice cubes--

What about a water for the big guy out here?

There's a hose out there, Andy.

You can find a garden hose if you're thirsty.

Come on.

Yeah, there's a garden hose right out there.

So you know, tWitch, alcohol sales are way up.

You know that?

Like everyone has discovered all kinds of things.

What is your favorite brand of Sauvignon Blanc?

So maybe we can get some sent to you.

You know what?

I'm open for suggestions.

Because right now I'm just--

I'm like, it's kind of like a ignorance is bliss thing.

So I like all of them.

You know what I mean?

I like all of them I've tried.

OK.

A duckhorn is good.

My mother likes a duckhorn Sauvignon Blanc.

So maybe you could try the duckhorn.

Yeah, I'm just looking for water.

Or Santa Margarita.

It's over behind the rock, Andy.

I found it, but it's a little warm coming out of the hose.

Thank you.

Well, let it run for a minute.

Good.

Is it air-conditioned in there?

Yeah, it's nice.

So what are you doing to keep busy?

Like, I know there are projects.

People are doing things that they never got around to,

like, for instance drinking Sauvignon Blanc during the day.

But what are you doing that you didn't get around to before?

Well, catching up on reading a lot.

I've been, you know, I like to read.

But obviously, you know with work and everything

else going on, it's kind of hard to find time to do that.

So been catching up on reading.

Big PS--

What are you reading?

I'm reading, right now, I'm actually reading-- hold on.

It's funny you should ask.

Children of Virtue and Vengeance.

So this, Tomi--

Tomi Adeyemi, she's going to be like the next,

like, she's going to have the next like Hunger Games

kind of trilogy movie series.

Wow.

Yeah, it's really dope.

Great.

How did you find that book?

It's just a bunch of recommendations.

I like the fiction and fantasy kind of world.

And I've just been hearing so much about that.

And it's also really dope too, because it's about--

it's about magical African tribes.

So it's, I mean, it's just-- yeah, it's super fresh.

Yeah, right up your alley.

And-- sorry, one second.

Andy, what are you doing?

Which way is Oprah's house?

If I'm looking here, right?

Where would Oprah be?

Like there, right there.

That way?

Yeah, that way.

OK.

Call out for her right now.

Oprah.

Can I get some water?