Welcome to another episode

of The Daily Social Distancing Show.

We are now on day 24 of staying at home

to try and prevent the spread of the coronavirus.

And here's your quarantine tip of the day.

If you get lonely-- because everyone gets lonely--

just take some of your nail clippings,

soak them in water, and in a few days,

they'll grow into a clone of you.

Wow! I can't believe I made a perfect clone of myself.

Kill... me...

(wheezing)

Anyway, on tonight's episode:

coronavirus is putting war on hold,

Jordan Klepper gets lessons from survivalists,

and how quarantine is changing the way we love.

So, let's get into it.

Welcome to The Daily Social Distancing Show.

♪ ♪

ANNOUNCER: From Trevor's couch in New York City

to your couch somewhere in the world, this is

The Daily Social Distancing Show with Trevor Noah.

♪ ♪

If you spend all your time watching the news,

you probably feel like the world is about to end,

And it is, but that's no reason not to have some fun.

Which is why we always remind ourselves

here at The Daily Show to smile

in our ongoing segment A Ray of Sunshine.

♪ ♪

Okay, first up, with people no longer able to go out

to their favorite restaurants,

some restaurants are helping people restaurant at home. Yeah.

They're helping people create the experience themselves.

Like yesterday, Waffle House began selling bags

of its signature waffle mix for $20,

and they were completely sold out in four hours.

And I think this is a great idea.

In fact, I hope all fast-food chains

give us the ingredients to mimic the experience of eating there.

You know, they should just tell us how they do it

so we can do it for ourselves.

Like Popeyes, they can teach you

how to make their Spicy Chicken Sandwich.

Or Chick-fil-A, they can show you

how to use pickles to hate gay people.

And White Castle can teach you how to beat yourself up

in a parking lot.

In more good news,

coronavirus is now shutting down wars.

Yes. Saudi Arabia has announced

that they will stop bombing Yemen,

one of the world's poorest countries.

And they say they're gonna do this

in an effort to stop the spread of coronavirus there.

And this is so inspiring right now.

Because Saudi Arabia is basically like,

"Let us work together to kill this virus,

"so that we can go back to killing each other.

"Because otherwise, the virus wins, my friends.

Do you agree?"

"Why don't you just not kill me..."

"Hey, hey, hey! Do you agree or not?"

"Yeah, okay, I guess so."

Speaking of winning, back here in the United States,

Dr. Anthony Fauci,

lead member of the White House Coronavirus Task Force

and hottest doctor since McDreamy,

has announced that, thanks to social distancing,

extreme social distancing,

the U.S. is starting to see some glimmers of hope.

And he also said that the country might not reach

the 100,000 deaths, as originally projected.

This is amazing news.

But... he cautioned everybody

to take this as a sign

that official warnings have been effective,

but not that they were overblown.

Or, as he put it: Now is not the time to pull back at all.

It's a time for us to intensify our efforts.

And I completely hear what Dr. Fauci is saying.

Fighting coronavirus is a lot like having sex.

When you're close to achieving your goal,

that's not the time to pull back.

I'm almost there, I'm almost there...

I'm... Wait, why are you stopping?

Uh, you said you were almost there, so I...

I figure we can... we can go back outside.

Wha...?

All right, well, that's enough of that.

Let's catch up on the headlines.

All over the world, confirmed cases of coronavirus

continue to grow day by day,

with the global tally now sitting at 1.5 million people.

And as this pandemic rages on, more and more countries

who initially thought that they could outfox the virus

are quickly realizing how wrong they were.

For example, Sweden was one of the only European countries

that didn't shut their population down.

Because, you see, their plan was to keep sick people

and old people at home

and then allow healthy and younger people

to live their lives as usual.

And it looks like that strategy isn't working.

Because Sweden now has a higher death toll

than all other Scandinavian nations combined.

And this is what people need to realize about the coronavirus.

I've seen people say: Why don't we just let some people go out

and some people... Yeah, but coronavirus spreading,

it's like a secret.

You can tell people not to spread a secret,

but does that ever work? No.

If you want a secret to stay secret,

you got to lock it down, or eventually,

everybody's gonna find out

that you never actually saw Black Panther.

And that's just an example I thought of.

I mean, I've... I've seen Black Panther.

We've all seen Black Panther. I mean, I...

My favorite scene was when...

when the Black Panther marries the Tiger King.

There's also some worrying news coming out of Singapore,

the country whose early response to the pandemic

has been described as the "gold standard."

They reported a record-breaking

142 new infections yesterday.

And this is yet another reminder:

We have to stay vigilant with social distancing.

Because now that we've got corona on the ropes,

this is not the time for us to relax.

Because if we're not careful, all of us,

we could end up like the First Avengers.

(wheezing)

(weakly): You should've gone for the head.

-(yells) -(echoing boom)

That's right, people,

let's make sure we go for the head.

You know, whenever we talk about coronavirus,

we always think about the lives that will be lost,

the economy, and people's jobs,

but the one thing we also can't ignore

is how it's gonna affect people's relationships.

So for today, I thought, you know what, let's change gears

and focus on something a little different

in our brand-new segment, Love in the Time of Corona.

♪ ♪

Now, the coronavirus outbreak has been amazing

for Ying Ying and Le Le's relationship.

Yeah, because with no one around,

those two panda bears have started having more sex

than Donald Trump whenever Melania's out of town.

I'm joking, of course.

He doesn't care if she's in town or not.

But it turns out, for us human panda bears,

the coronavirus hasn't been as beneficial for our love lives.

NEWSMAN: Splitting Up Together.

Divorce rates spiked in China in the wake of the coronavirus,

so is the U.S. next?

We are seeing a pressure cooker of disaster for couples.

Business is booming right now for Eleanor Alter,

a prominent divorce lawyer in the epicenter of the pandemic,

New York City.

I'm seeing an uptick in calls.

NEWSWOMAN: ...people calling at all hours of the night,

seeking legal advice.

I'm getting a lot of calls about people

who are in close quarters with a person

that they were planning to divorce perhaps this year

and it hasn't happened yet, wondering if they can go forward

with a divorce during the pandemic.

Yeah. Coronavirus is the worst thing to happen to marriages

since the invention of the pool boy.

Why do you always got to be so sexy

when you're raking those leaves in the pool, pool boy?

And getting divorced is already a stressful experience,

but getting divorced when you can't leave,

sweet Lord, that must be the worst.

Just imagine, if you lived in, like, a New York City apartment,

what do... what do you do then? Huh?

"Okay, fine! You-you can have the bed,

and I'm gonna sleep in the microwave."

So, yeah, because of coronavirus,

divorce lawyers are seeing more business

than a guy selling glowsticks at Coachella.

And if you're wondering, "Why is this happening?"

Well, it's because quarantine is showing a lot of couples

that they might love each other,

but they don't like each other.

When it comes to the quarantine,

the biggest problem couples have had

is just the amount of pressure

that the relationship is putting on each other.

Think about it. Normally, you're around your partner

four, maybe five hours a day awake, but now that's tripled.

WOMAN: When we don't have as much distraction going on,

uh, we tend to hyperfocus

on certain things that, um...

Well, the little things that bother us.

NEWSMAN: Part of the reason that could be,

one in three people surveyed

say they do not shower or bathe every day anymore.

Also, 15% of respondents say

they do not get dressed out of their pajamas.

WOMAN 2: He wanders through the house and continues

to talk to me when I'm on the phone.

Can't be in your bathrobe. And those the are the things,

like, the little things I have to be aware of,

because the camera really covers the whole space.

Oh, man. I-I really feel bad for this woman.

Think about it. Her husband is walking around in a bathrobe

while she's trying to work over Skype.

That is so embarrassing, 'cause that's her job.

Like, imagine if you were in your boss's office,

and then your spouse just walks in shirtless,

covered in Cheetos.

"Honey, do you have a towel?"

"Excuse me, my boss is here. Can't you see?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. Boss, do you have a towel?

The Cheetos, they get everywhere. Look at this."

I see why people are getting tired of each other.

Like, just because you've committed your life to someone

doesn't mean you want to be committed 24-7.

In fact, after coronavirus ends,

I think marriage vows need to be updated.

"Do you take this man

"to have and to hold

"but for, like, an hour in the morning

and then maybe three hours at night when you watch TV?"

Now, don't get it twisted.

Coronavirus isn't breaking up every couple.

There are many lovebirds out there

who are taking the initiative

and turning quarantine time into quality time.

NEWSWOMAN: You may be stuck at home,

but that doesn't mean date night is canceled.

NEWSWOMAN 2: One couple used their free time

to recreate the iconic final dance scene

from the 1980s film Dirty Dancing.

NEWSWOMAN 3: The Jones family is used to being creative,

turning famous paintings into their own works of art

quarantine style, like American Gothic

and Washington Crossing the Delaware.

NEWSWOMAN: Grant recreated date nights around the house:

a casino, sports bar,

bowling with paper towel pins in their living room.

WOMAN: I think my favorite part of the date was the dance club,

which was our bathroom, which, when we went in there,

he had music blaring,