“I'm announcing my candidacy for president —”

“I'm running for president.”

“I'm running for president.”

“President.”

“President.”

“President.”

“President.”

“I am running for president of the United States.”

“You ran up mountains of debt, as well as losses,

using other people's money.

And you were forced to file for bankruptcy.”

“We don't need an apprentice in the White House.

We have one right now.”

“Donald, you know, is great at the one-liners.

But he's a chaos candidate.”

“How is it conservative to add a trillion-dollar expenditure

for the federal government that you're not paying for?”

“There was a battle over amnesty

and some chose, like Senator Rubio,

to stand with Barack Obama and Chuck Schumer

and support a massive amnesty plan.”

“For the 11 million people?

Come on folks, we all know you can't

pick them up and ship them across,

back across the border.

It's a silly argument.

It's not an adult argument.”

“His visceral response to attack people

on their appearance.

My goodness, that happened in junior high.”

“To subject my wife into the middle

of a raucous political conversation

was completely inappropriate.

And I hope you apologize.”

“The donors, the special interests, the lobbyists

have very strong power over these people.”

“They continue to debate about this bill

and then the subcommittee and what — nobody in America

cares about that.

This is the difference between actually having

been a federal prosecutor, actually doing something.”

“I saw you on the Senate floor flip your vote

on crop insurance because they told you

it would help you in Iowa.”

“That's what Washington D.C. does.

And then the memorized 25-second speech.”

“This notion that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing

is just not true —”

“There it is —”

“He knows exactly —“

“There it is. The memorized 25-seconds speech.”

“I'm a maniac and everyone on this stage is stupid,

fat and ugly.

Now that we've gotten the Donald Trump portion

out of the way.”

“I'm also aware of that California has a drought.

And so, that's why I made sure I brought my own water.”

“Not only are we the A-team, we even

have our own Mr. T who doesn't mind saying

about others, 'You're a fool.'”