For the man who imagines being strangled by a tarantula while a kangaroo breaks his kneecaps and things,

對於幻想著被狼蛛絞死的同時被袋鼠打碎膝蓋的人來說

Mmm. Yes please.

噢！讚！

For the man who pictures himself being eaten by a snake in the burning Outback while eating a Vegemite sandwich and thinks:

對於那個在燃燒著的森林被蛇吃掉的同時還在吃著Vegemite三明治的人來說

"MMM YES, PLEASE!"

嗯~~~超讚~~~

And that man was governor Arthur Phillip who landed in eastern Australia in 1788.

這人是亞瑟．菲利普總督

Presumably saw a dingo being eaten by a crocodile, being eaten by a Death Adder, being eaten by a koala, being eaten by Mel Gibson, (lol)

於1788年登陸東澳

and thought to himself:

推測他是看到一隻澳洲野犬被一條鱷魚吃掉後 被一隻死亡蛇(澳洲特有種)吃掉後被一隻無尾熊吃掉後 被梅爾吉布森吃掉

"Yes,"

並想到自己時他覺得：

"G o o d."

“好噢”

Now I know what you're thinking,

“我覺得可以”

but OverSimpified (what)

我知道你在想啥

the British didn't discover Australia. (rly?)

但OverSimplified

The vikings did (are you sure about that)

(真的嗎?） 英國人沒有發現澳大利亞

And you'd be wrong. (HAHAHAHAH)

（你確定嗎） 是維京人發現的

I'm not sure why you'd think that, but hey! If you love Vikings so much

（屁啦www） 你錯了

THEN why don't you

我不確定你為什麼這麼想

Check out today's sponsor?

但是啊！如果你那麼愛維京人的話

Vikings War of Clans was inspired by the PC (and mobile)

（不意外） 那為什麼不......

strategy and RPG games of the 90s we all love,

(討飯囉) 看看今天的贊助商呢？

like Age of Empires, and Civilization.

(工商) 維京人氏族之戰是受到我們都喜歡的 90年代RPG遊戲和戰略遊戲的啟發

If you, like me, want to relive those memories again with a new experience, then this mobile game is for you.

(工商) 像世紀帝國和文明時代

Vikings lets you choose your own play style. And what makes its world so addictive

(工商) 如果你像我一樣想要再次重溫那些回憶的話

is that more than 20 million online players are constantly changing the way it evolves by never-ending fighting over resources,

(工商) 那麼這款手機遊戲就是為你而生的。

forging new alliances, and competing in live events.

(工商) 維京人可以讓你選擇自己的遊戲風格

Support my channel by downloading Vikings for free, only from my links in the description box below,

(工商) 它讓人能如此上癮的是

And get the special bonus of 200 gold coins and a protective shield. (no alliance ;-;)

(工商) 超過2000萬在線玩家通過永無休止的資源爭奪 不斷改變其遊玩方式

[meanwhile in the brexit kingdom]

(工商) 建立新的聯盟，並參加限時活動

"Buy! Buy! Man, this is great! The market will continue to grow forever!"

(工商) 透過免費下載維京人氏族之戰並支持我的頻道

"but what if it dosen't?"

(工商) 只要點擊下面說明框中的鏈接

"OH CRAP! I never thought of that. SELL! SELL!

(工商) 就獲得額外的200金幣和保護盾的特殊獎勵。

And the stock market crashed,

[同時在紐約...]

which led to economic downturn,

買了！買了！

which meant that banks wouldn't lend anyone any money,

老兄，這太讚了！

which led to MORE economic downturn, (more?)

這市場會一直紅下去

which meant everyone stopped buying stuff,

但如果沒有呢？

which led to MORE economic downturn, and-- (are you ok...)

哦靠！我從來沒有想過這個

Hey!

賣了！賣了！

What if all the crops in the Great Plains were destroyed in a drought and then a big dust storm engulfed the area?

(股市自由落體中)

That's right!

然後股市就崩盤了

More economic downturn.

導致經濟衰退

And in an effort to combat the crisis,

代表著銀行不會再借任何錢

America began imposing tariffs on foreign imports,

導致了更多的經濟衰退

which made the economic downturn go global,

代表著每個人都不消費

and the Earth got really depressed.

導致了經濟衰退

But one nation that was hit harder than most by the whole affair:

然後啊

Australia.

如果北美大平原的所有作物在乾旱中被摧毀 然後一場大沙塵暴席捲這裡時會導致什麼？

The problem for Australia was that it relied heavily on its export industries,

沒錯！

and in the current economic climate, no one was buying.

更多的經濟衰退

To make things worse:

為了對抗這場危機

Australia had introduced its own currency, and picked it onto the gold standard by the British pound.

美國開始對進口貨課關稅

But then the UK started messing with its own take on the gold standard, and if this is starting to sound confusing,

讓這場經濟衰退傳至全球

then let me Oversimplify it for you.

(經濟大恐慌) 讓地球真的很恐慌

"Hey, UK. Looks like my car is broken down. Want to give me a tow?"

但在整個事件中，一個國家比大多數國家 受到的打擊更為嚴重：那就是

"No problem, friend,

澳大利亞

I got you."

澳洲的問題是它極度依賴出口產業

*british puts the hook to put australia home*

而在目前的經濟環境下，沒人要買

*walks in british*

讓事情更糟的是

*opens car door*

澳大利亞推出了自己的貨幣，並透過英鎊以連接金本位

*close car door*

但隨後英國開始脫離金本位，如果這讓你感到困惑的話

10/10 british no need help to australia

那讓我幫你簡化

oof

嘿，英國

More economic downturn! (how much did you say?)

看起來我的車壞了

The point I'm trying to make is things weren't good.

可以拖一下我的車嗎

And in particular, it was Australia's farmers that were suffering most.

沒問題，我的朋友

After the First World War,

我罩你

Australia had given returning veterans land for farming.

(掛)

But with the current economic crisis, the farmers just weren't making enough money.

(一去不復反)

And many left to go find work in the cities, but for those who remained, things were about to get even worse.

(轟咖)

THAT EMU BOI

更多的經濟衰退

Before we get into that, it's time for some cultural exchange.

總之事情進展很糟

"My national bird is the bald eagle."

特別是澳洲農民受害最慘

"It's a strong patriotic symbol of America and a deeply valued and protected species." (that's ok)

第一次世界大戰後

"My national bird is the peafowl."

澳大利亞分發給退伍軍人土地耕種

"It's a beautiful creature whose vivid colors represent India. So we list it as a protected species." (wow i love that!)

但有了這場經濟災難，農夫沒辦法賺到什麼錢

"My national bird is the emu and it's a PEST. (wut)

許多人去城裡尋找工作

Also bloody delicious!" (made with bleach)

但對於那些留下來的人來說，情況將會變得更糟

Emus, six feet tall,

(牠好像看著你，看得你心裡發寒)

9 to 120 pounds

在談到正題前，先來個文化交流吧！

and able to run speed after 40 mph

(美)我的國鳥是白頭鷹

usually return to the coast after their breeding season, but suddenly they found Western Australia full of lush, wet, farmland.

牠是美國的一種愛國象徵

"Oh my!"

也是一個受到重視和保護的物種

"Look at all this delicious wheat that just so happens to be growing here in large quantities."

(印)我的國鳥是孔雀

"Hey guys, get a load of this!"

牠非常漂亮

*Emus enjoying wheat* (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH)

多樣的顏色代表了印度

(that's a lot of crop damage)

所以我們把牠列為保育動物

"Hey! Who left this big hole in the fence?"

(澳)我的國鳥是鴯鶓

"Guys, get a load of this!"

牠是個機掰鳥

*Rabbits enjoying wheat* (*dies from laughter*)

而且超好吃！

"the rabbits did it some more"

鴯鶓，六英呎高

"What a lovely morning for some farmi-"

9到120磅重

"WHAT!?"

能以時速40英哩奔跑

"Those damned emus!"

通常在繁殖季節後返回海岸

"They have it in for me!

但突然間牠們發現西澳到處都是茂密農田後...

"They're bullies!"

(啪搭)

"They're nothing but bullies!"

哇塞

"Calm down Bruce. They're just animals. It's not personal."

看看剛好長在這裡的一大把美味小麥

"Hey farmer Bruce! Where did you find that hat? The toilet?"

嘿大伙，吃大餐囉！

bruce: *thinks*

(鴯鶓吃飯中Now Eating)

"yes..." (OHH)

欸！是誰在圍欄上開這大洞啊？

20,000 emus cost the already struggling farmers millions more pounds in lost crops and damages.

“大家，來吃大餐囉！”

The situation couldn't continue like this.

(兔子吃飯中Now Eating)

Something had to be done.

這真是一個適合耕種的早ㄔ...

So in 1932, the farmers turned to the government for help.

靠？！

You think they'd go to the Minister of Agriculture, but these farmers said "No!"

那些該死的鴯鶓們！

"This is a job for the military."

是牠們把它搞成這樣子的

So they went to George Pearce, the Minister of Defense.

牠們吃人夠夠

That's right. Australia was to go to war with the emus, but not everyone was happy with the idea.

牠們除了惡霸以外啥都不是

"This is barbaric! We can't go slaughtering thousands of our own national bird."

冷靜下來啦，布魯斯

"Oh, come on guys!"

牠們是動物又不是人

"The machine guns will make it quick and painless!"

嘿，那個種田的布魯斯

"Machine Guns!? You're using machine guns!? This is animal cruelty!"

你在哪搞到那頂帽子的啊？

"Look, I know it's unusual, but it's not like we're poachers turning the birds into feather hats. Think of the benefits!"

廁所嗎？

"It'll be good target practice for our boys, the government can show it took action! Plus I can get myself a nice new feather hat!"

(思考中)

*GASP*

“對啦......”

"Did I say feather hat? I meant I want to--gether chat. With you!"

2萬隻的鴯鶓讓這些早已在掙扎邊緣的農夫們 承受了更大的損失

"About getting you all some nice new feather hats!"

不能再這樣下去了

*GASP*

必須要採取行動

"Uhhh, did I say feather hats?"

所以在1932年，農夫向政府尋求協助

"I meant I want to wage--terror at--these emus and turn them all into feather hats!"

你認為他們會去找農業部長，但這些農民說“不！”

*GASP*

"國軍要來處理這些"

"DAMNIT!"

所以他們去找了國防大臣喬治．皮爾斯

Of course, Pearce first made the farmers sign an agreement saying that:

沒錯

They would pay for the whole thing, and that Pearce wouldn't take any of the blame,

澳大利亞要與鴯鶓開戰

if the operation, that was clearly very stupid, turned out to indeed, be stupid.

但可不是每個人會認同這個想法

And the operation went ahead.

這太野蠻了！

Major G.P.W. Meredith and his men were sent with two Lewis machine guns to hunt down and take out the evil emu population in Western Australia.

我們不能屠殺我們成千上萬的國鳥

"Target spotted!"

哦，大伙們拜託！

"Well, was it an emu?"

機槍會又快又不痛的解決掉牠們

"No, sir. It's an emO." (who the hell is emO)

機槍？！

"Damn it Jones! Learn your vowels!"

你要用機槍？！

"I'm surry.."

這是虐待動物！！

"Okay, it looks like the humans are coming for us. But check this out. I've come up with an amazing plan. (wheres that emu get that soldier hat)

聽著，我知道這很不尋常

See if you can follow me here okay? When they approach, we run away."

但我們並不像把鳥變成羽毛帽子的盜獵者們

seems stupid

想想其中的利益！

"Sir,

對阿兵哥是個很好的練習靶

You're a genius."

讓政府有展示作秀的機會

Pearce sent a camera crew along with the machine gunners to capture some good ol' propaganda for the government,

另外我可以給自己一頂全新漂亮羽毛帽！

and the first battle took place in November at Campion.

呃噢....

The men spotted a mob of emus from a distance,

我說羽毛帽了嗎？

so they set up the guns and opened fire. The emus split up into smaller groups and ran in every direction.

我的意思是我想

The men were only able to kill what they called "a number of birds" but the vast majority got away.

一起聊天

"CUT!" (where that camera man came from?)

和你們一起

Surprisingly, many of the emus were able to take multiple bullets, but still run at full speed to safety,

聊幫你們全部都準備些漂亮的新羽毛帽

causing Meredith to compare them to tanks saying,

呃....我說羽毛帽了？

"If we had a military division with the bullet carrying capacity of these birds, it would face any army in the world."

我是說我要去

"Okay, we need to get closer."

施加威嚇

"No, you idiots, not to me, to the emus!" (wtf)

在那群鴯鶓上

"Oh, sorry."

然後把牠們做成羽毛帽！

"No, no!"

臥草！

"I like it."

當然，皮爾斯先讓農夫簽了份同意書，宣告：

So next, they tried sneaking up on a large number of emus near a local dam, and firing at short range.

他們會支付全部費用，皮爾斯不會承擔任何責任，

Maybe the men were just unlucky, but my professional opinion says the emus were magic, because both guns jammed after just 12 emus were killed.

為這聽起來就很蠢的行動

And once again, the rest got away.

事後證明，這真的很蠢

"CUT!"

而計畫如期進行

The men were feeling a little humiliated after losing to a pack of discount ostriches.

G.P.W. 馬里帝茲少校和配備著兩架路易士機槍的士兵們 被送往到西澳去消滅那些可恨的鴯鶓

So they decided to move further South, where the emus were said to be tamer.

發現目標

And this time, they had a new strategy.

呃...這是鴯鶓嗎？

"Okay Jones. Here's the plan. You mount the machine gun in the back. I'll chase the emus. You shoot got it. Got it?"

不是，長官

"Got it."

是個憂鬱男

but they can't the car was so bumpy

(鴯鶓em'''U''與憂鬱男em''O'') 靠！瓊斯！注意你的母音！

one emu caught at the driver

我很抱欠..

dat explosion tho

好的

"I'm gonna shove that camera up your- "

看起來那群人類是來處理我們的

The operation was a fiasco and the press had a field day.

不過請聽

In Parliament, Pearce was lambasted.

我想到了個絕佳計劃

And the opposition party members suggested that medals should be handed out to the emus,

盡量跟上我的想法，好嗎？

who'd won every round so far.

他們接近的時候

Pearce, feeling quite humiliated, called the operation off,

我們就跑

but four days later the farmers approached again, and said,

給他們追

"Hey man, the emus are still eating all our crops. Can you send the army back out here?"

長官......

And Pearce was like:

你是天才

"Yeah, okay"

皮爾斯派出攝製組跟機槍手一起 為政府拍攝一些有利於宣傳的畫面

So the operation was back on for Round 2.

而第一場戰鬥就發生在十一月的坎皮恩

And this time, Meredith and his men had learned the emus' guerrilla tactics,

他們從遠處發現了一群鴯鶓

and were much more successful, with reports suggesting the men were cutting down 300 emus every week.

所以他們架起了槍並開火

"I hope you boys are getting great footage of this. What on earth are you filming?"

鴯鶓分成小隊後四處逃竄

Despite the success, the media have lost interest in the whole thing.

士兵們只能殺他們所宣稱的"一群"鳥

But with 1,000 emus killed, Pearce finally ended the operation, and returned to Parliament declaring victory for the humans.

但剩下的一大群

"So there were 20,000 emus out there destroying crops and you've killed 1000."

全都跑了

"Mm-hmm."

卡！

"Meaning there's still 19,000 emus out there."

(坎皮恩戰役 鴯鶓勝利)

"Yep."

驚奇的是，的情況下仍保持著全速逃跑的狀態，

"And in addition you've burned through 10,000 rounds of ammunition."

許多鴯鶓在身中數槍後

"Uh-huh."

都還能全速開溜到安全處

"Meaning you wasted 10 rounds per confirmed kill."

所以馬里帝茲將它們與坦克比較，說:

"Thaat's right!"

“假如我們能擁有一個師像這群鳥那麼坦的話，

Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and call this one for the emus."

它將能面對世界上所有軍隊"

"at least i got a feather hat..."

好的，我們要更靠近一點

"What?"

淦，白痴

"What?"

不是靠近我！

So in the end the emus won the Great Emu War of 1932,

靠近鴯鶓啦！

and the emus continued to wreak havoc on the farmers for years to come.

噢，抱歉

The government introduced a bounty system, which saw some success,

等一下

But for a moment,

我喜翻

let's take some time to remember the brave men, who said goodbye to their families,

接下來，他們試圖偷襲在附近大壩的大量鴯鶓 並近距離開火

and risked their lives to take on the great, evil emu population in Western Australia.

也許只是運氣不好。

But even more importantly, let's think of the friends they made, the bond they created, and the memories they shared.

但我的專業意見認為鴯鶓就是魔法

♪Take me home♪

因為殺了12隻鴯鶓後，兩把槍都卡彈了

♪To golden fields and sights of days gone by♪

又一次，剩下的都跑光了

♪To where the heart lies♪

拍三小！

With stories un-♪

水壩之戰 鴯鶓勝利

"Hey!

在數次讓"偽鴕鳥"大規模逃走的情況下，他們略感羞辱

"Hey! uh

所以他們決定進一步向南移動 據說那裡的鴯鶓是比較親人的

"Hey! uh guys?"

這次，他們有個新戰法

I solved the emu crisis."

好的瓊斯，接下來是詳細內容

"Really?"

你把機槍架在後面

"How?"

我負責開車追鴯鶓

"I just made some better fences."

你負責開火

*cheering*

懂了？

poop di scoop (the end)

懂了

BUY HIS MERCH GUYS

(搖搖晃晃)

don't argue with text on the endcard. BUY. HIS. MERCH.

(輾)

impractical secret text

(轟)