From Zack Snyder,

the visionary director behind "Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole"

Comes the world's most hopeful superhero

in his inevitable dark, moody Christopher Nolan update

Because God forbid a Superman movie be any damn fun for anybody.

Man of Steel.

Prepare for a mopey, violent reboot

guaranteed to depress adults and frighten small children.

where one of America's greatest icons, Superman,

is played by this Englishman

with the acting range of a crumpet.

"Who are you?"

"I am your father, Kal."

"That's my name.'

But my god, what a beefcake.

He's the hero who stood for truth, justice, and the American way,

but this time stands for

destroying American property,

"That's a $12 million piece of hardware!"

"It was."

the Canadian Arctic,

this guy's livelihood,

Bruce Wayne's satellite,

Downtown Smallville,

and like half of Metropolis.

It's a bird,

it's a plane,

it's -- coming right for us.

Everybody run!

Journey to Superman's birthplace of Pandora, err... Krypton,

an alien planet full of

Avatar birds,

Matrix babies,

sepia tone,

way too many subplots,

"Krypton's core is collapsing."

"This Council has been disbanded."

"I know you stole the codex."

"I will find him!"

And ships shaped like wangs.

Meet General Zod, a Kryptonian out to destroy humanity

with the power of dubstep.

In order to defeat Zod,

Superman must decide which of his two Robin Hood dads to listen to.

Space Dad says show off your powers to inspire humanity.

"You could be the bridge between two peoples."

Farm Dad says hide your powers and let innocent people die.

"What was I supposed to do? Just let them die?"

"Maybe."

Watch Superman honor them both, as he shows off his powers AND lets innocent people

die.

Meet Lois Lane, a Pulitzer Prize winning reporter.

"I am a Pulitzer Prize winning reporter!"

That's what I just said.

She's a superhero in her own right,

with the powers of staying alive in sub-freezing temperatures,

scaling ice mountains,

seducing hot space dudes,

and showing up wherever the plot needs her to be.

"General Zod would like THIS WOMAN to accompany me."

C'mon, there is no reason she should be on that military plane.

"It's supposed to go in all the way!"

Heh, that's what she said.

When Lois uses her Nikon camera

to photograph this Budweiser drinking alien,

she'll discover the truth from his friend at the IHOP.

But when Zod sends a message on this Nokia phone

it's up to Superman to take him on with this U-Haul truck

through this 7/11,

back to the IHOP,

and inside this Sears.

So, if you loved the Christopher Reeve era Superman movies,

but wished they made them less hopeful,

killed countless civilians,

visualized our worst fears of urban terrorism,

and had Superman overcome his first villain by murdering him with his

bare hands,

DC has made the reboot for you, psycho!

Yikes.

Starring...

Specific Zod

April O'Neil

Ghost Dad

Fallout Box Art

Kevin Costco

Perry Black

Superman Pooping

and those pin art desk toy things.

you know, from Spencer's gifts...

the one's you used to press your face against.

You guys know what I'm talking about, right?

Man of Steel

Can't believe I'm now actually rooting for Ben Affleck to kick this guys ass.

Thanks for watching.

"I'm going to steal the Declaration of Independence."

"The jerk store called and they rant out of YOU."

"Spoooon!"

"The fox says what I say it says."

"I am vengence, I am the night, I am Batman."

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