Deep in the depths of the ocean, lives a marvelous creature

sometimes referred to as the floppy-floppy spider of the sea.

But it's true name comes from a Greek word

meaning "eight-footed"... because it has eight arms.

There are two major suborders of octopuses:

the Cirrina and Incirrina.

The Cirrina octopuses look a bit look like

an alien got freaky with a weather balloon!

They have two little fins, a small internal shell

and lots of little cilia next to their suckers.

The other suborder, which we will be looking at today,

are the Incirrina.

No internal shell, although some do try to fake it.

No fins, but 100% amazing.

Many of you will know the amazing color and texture

changing capabilities of the octopus,

as well as its ability to fart ink at a moment's notice.

Evolution at its finest.

However, perhaps the most remarkable feature

of the octopus is its intelligence.

They are the most intelligent of all the invertebrates.

Technically, not tons of competition there.

I mean, clams are stupid. I'm sorry, I said it.

But they are dumb as hell.

What is amazing is that while octopuses can learn

and remember complex tasks like opening child-proof jars

and moving through mazes, they are using an intelligence

that has evolved very differently than our own.

Unlike our intelligence, which is mainly centralized

in our head hole, the octopus has distributed intelligence.

Three fifths of all of its neurons are located in its arms.

In a way, each of its arms actually has a mind of its own,

which is amazing...

unless, after a while, you found out

that one of your arms was an asshole.

That would suck.

These arms are so capable, that even when they are severed,

they will continue to search for and capture food!

And then try to bring that food back to a non-existent mouth hole.

Some octopuses will actually remove one of their own arms

when threatened and let it wriggle away

to confuse the hell out of predators.

Data point of one, but it would confuse the hell out of me.

Each arm of the octopus is equipped with over 250 suction cups,

each one with the ability to rotate and grasp independently.

Not only are they grabby grabby,

but the suction cups contain sensory receptors,

which allow it to taste and smell what it touches!

This is an ability I'm glad I don't have.

It is widely known that the interestingness of an animal

is proportional to how difficult it is to figure out

where its butt hole is.

The octopus is, therefore, very interesting because its mouth

is exactly where I thought its butt should be.

I'll be honest with you, I still don't really know where it is.

But my search history does contain the phrase

"Pictures of an octopus' butt."

Inside the octopus' mouth is a beak, the only hard part

of the Incirrina body, meaning that the octopus

can squeeze through any hole larger than its beak!

The tentacles guide food towards the beak,

where venomous saliva incapacitates prey

before the horror begins.

I told you. Clams are stupid.

When it comes to moving, the octopus has a variety of options.

It can crawl or use a water jet called a siphon.

Or it can do this! (chuckles)

Which is my favorite. (chuckles)

Some scientists have argued that two of its arms

should be characterized as legs!

I wonder why. (chuckles)

They can walk! (laughs)

Octopuses can even move on land quite effectively.

Yes, they get a little mushy on land, but don't judge.

It's like reverse shrinkage.

Imagine what they think when we skinny-dip.

"What happened to your little arm?" That's what they say.

Although the octopus' eight arms may seem identical,

one of the male's arms is actually hectocotylus,

which functions like a penis.

Therefore, shaking hands with a male octopus

is sort of like playing Russian Roulette.

But instead of dying, you risk your hand getting pregnant.

The hectocotylus is used to transfer spermatophores to the female,

either by inserting it into a hole in her mantle,

or by tearing it off and presenting it to the female for later use.

To understand this, imagine if you are on a date

and your date reached down and...well.

That is how an octopus do.

To the octopus, human sex looks really, really boring,

like we're just saying hello to each other.

Because when they get it on, it can get crazy!

When the female has fertilized her eggs, she retreats

to an underwater crevice and attaches her eggs to the roof.

She will stay with them, gently blowing fresh water over them,

protecting them, as she slowly starves to death.

Basically, everything they do is hardcore.

When her job is done, she is gone,

but thousands of little babies emerge, floating.

Just beautiful.

Sort of like the ending of Charlotte's Web, except underwater.

Without the farm animals, too. They would all drown.

They would die.

The dancing pig wouldn't last a second, really.

It'd be babies interspersed with these dead and rotting animals

being eaten by fish. It's a different story, really.

Less appropriate for children and I--

the duck would do okay, but one floating duck

does not a children's book make, you know?

Just remember, if you're writing a children's book,

one animal can die. Not all of them.

Only a clam would write that sort of crap.

But they're dumb as hell.