This is happening la.

我真的來了啦

Did I nail that? Did I nail the "la"?

這樣可以嗎？我的「啦」有用對嗎？

It's pretty good? All right.

還不錯嗎？好耶

I'm trying so hard to learn these Singaporean slangs.

我超努力學這些新加坡俚語

I asked Comedy Central Asia, "So how can I tweak my bits

我問主辦單位

a little bit to resonate with the Singaporeans?"

要怎麼調整段子 新加坡人會比較有共鳴

They're like, "Ah easy la, you just put a "la"

他們說 啊簡單啦

at the end of each sentence, you'll be fine la."

你每句話說完都說啦 就好啦！

(audience chuckles)

（觀眾笑）

I was like, "No, no, no,

我說 不行不行不行

like you can do that.

你們可以這樣鬧

I can't do that, right.

但我不能這樣鬧啊

That'd be cultural appropriation, right.

我這樣是「文化挪用」耶

And I'll have no part in this nonsense...

而且這樣玩 我就沒戲唱

la."

啦

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Tell you guys a little bit something about myself.

跟你們講一點我的事情

My name is Brian.

我叫博恩

I'm from Taiwan.

來自台灣

28 years old, I still live with my parents.

今年28歲了 還跟爸媽住

Yeah. (audience cheers)

耶（觀眾歡呼）

Yeah, there's pride in that, come on.

對嘛 很值得驕傲啊 是不是

Yeah and you know why though, right?

而且 你們知道原因吧？

I live off my parents because I'm from Taiwan,

我還跟爸媽住 是因為我來自台灣

I can't like, declare independence or whatever.

我不能宣佈獨立 之類的

(audience groans)

（觀眾躁動）

Yeah, it's usually frowned upon on the international stage.

國際舞台上都會有些質疑的聲音

Yeah that's what happens.

沒錯 就是這樣

But you know, first time in Singapore.

不過 你知道 我第一次來新加坡

I love the place.

很愛這地方

I just got here yesterday.

昨天才剛到

But when I landed, I sorta found that I had a sore throat.

可是降落的時候 發現喉嚨有點痛

And I was like, "No, I'm doing Comedy Central Asia tomorrow."

我就想說 糟了 明天要上台耶

I have to find an ENT clinic right.

我要找耳鼻喉科

So I whipped out my phone, opened Google Maps.

趕快拿出手機 打開谷歌地圖

I'm a lazy guy, so you know I use the speech to text feature.

我很懶 很愛用語音轉文字功能

And I say to my phone like "er bi hou ker"

跟手機說 耳鼻喉科

which is "ENT clinic" in Mandarin right.

講的是中文

But I forgot to switch languages,

但我忘記切換語言設定了

so when I said "er bi hou ker",

所以我說 耳鼻喉科

it was like "happy hooker",

手機顯示我說 happy hooker（魚水之歡）

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

which is not what I was looking for at first.

並不是我本來要找的東西

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

But just outta curiosity I was like,

但單純出於好奇

"Yes!"

我心想 Yes 送啦

Yeah I'm like, I'm not the only one with a sore throat tonight.

看來今晚不只我喉嚨痛

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Guess what I found, I found no results.

猜我找到什麼 什麼也沒有

Singapore,

新加坡

your hookers are not happy.

你們的性工作者不快樂

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

You guys know there's actually a store

你們知道

called Happy Hooker in Chicago?

芝加哥真的有家店叫這名字嗎？魚水之歡

Yeah, it sells fishing supplies.

是家釣魚用品店

(audience laughs) Get that.

（觀眾笑）聽到了吧

Like what's it next to, Master Baiter, come on, right.

這種店隔壁是什麼店 天才小淫手 我說小釣手

But Taiwan is a great place. It's an island full of flora and fauna.

說到台灣是個好地方 充滿各種動植物

We have actually, an endangered species

我們其實有種瀕臨絕種的物種

called the rock macaque, yeah I know how it sounds.

叫做台灣獼猴 我知道聽起來像英文的啪啪啪

Yeah, rock macaque, if you rocked it more you wouldn't be endangered right.

啪啪啪 啪越多 就不會絕種了

The point is, we're not allowed to touch these monkeys.

重點是 我們不能碰這些猴子

So if a monkey comes along, he touches us, that's fine.

如果猴子來 牠碰我們 這沒問題

But if we touch the monkeys, that's bam, $3,000 fine.

但如果我們碰了猴子 碰 9萬元罰款

Yeah, and the biologists all think this is ridiculous.

扯吧 生物學家都覺得很誇張

They're like, in what world does this make sense.

他們覺得 太不合理

They can touch you, you can't touch them.

他們可以碰你 你不能碰他們

I'm like, no that's how I chill with girls too.

我說 還好啦 我跟女生相處也是這樣

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I basically get really close and hope, hope,

基本上就是靠女生很近 然後希望

for physical contact.

希望有肢體接觸

"Please, please, I have a guava, please touch me."

拜託拜託 我有一顆芭樂 拜託碰我

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

We also have a lot of frogs.

台灣也有很多青蛙

So, I recently learned this interesting fact.

我最近學到一件很有趣的事情

In most frog species, only the male frogs croak.

多數蛙類 只有雄蛙會叫

Did you guys know this?

你們知道這件事嗎？

Yeah only the male frogs croak.

對 只有雄蛙會叫

And I thought this was fascinating.

我覺得太酷了

So I asked a biologist, what are they trying to communicate?

就問生物學家 青蛙叫是在溝通什麼？

They must be trying to send across some kind of message.

一定是有訊息要表達啊

And the biologist was like, well like yeah,

生物學家就說

so when a male frog croaks,

雄蛙叫的時候

it's tryin' to send two types of different messages.

是傳遞兩種訊息

Now the first type is the male frog would approach

第一種是雄蛙靠近雌蛙

a female frog, he'd be like, hop, right. And he'd be like,

一跳

(croaking)

（蛙鳴）

And that's frog language for, "I'm a dude."

那是蛙語的 我是男的喔

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Subtext: "I wanna hop on your back."

潛台詞：「我想上妳 的背」

And I was like, okay, okay, that's normal procreation,

我說 ok ok 繁衍後代很正常

circle of life.

生生不息

So what's the second type of croak?

那第二種訊息是什麼

He's like, the second type of croak

他說 喔第二種就是

is when another male frog hops on his back,

雄蛙被另一隻雄蛙騎的時候

he's like, "I'm a dude!"

馬上說 我是男的！

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I was like, "Okay so both scare people off,

我說 喔 兩種都很嚇人

that's great, fantastic."

很好 很棒

(audience chuckles)

（觀眾呵呵笑）

I don't know, they probably taught this in school.

不知道 可能學校有教吧

I wouldn't know.

我也不會曉得

I've never been the ideal student growing up.

一路長大 我從來不是乖學生

I got sent to detention when I was in second grade.

我二年級就被罰留校察看

Like who does that, detention second grade, right.

誰會這樣 二年級 留校察看

And I'll tell you the reason why.

告訴你們為什麼好了

So there's this kid in school called Henry.

學校有個叫亨利的

He kept stealing my Legos, all right.

這傢伙一直偷我樂高

Now, you gotta understand, as a seven-year-old

你要了解 七歲小孩

having your Legos stolen, that's a big deal.

樂高被偷 是重大事件

So I went to the teacher.

我去找老師

I tried right.

努力告狀

I was like, "Ms Jenai, it's Henry,

我說 哲奈老師 亨利他

he's stealing my Lego car.

他偷我樂高車

He's breaking and entering my Lego house.

闖入我樂高屋

He's usurping my entire Lego nation."

搶奪我樂高國的權位

(audience chuckles)

（觀眾笑）

But Ms Jenai, she was Palestinian,

結果哲奈老師是巴勒斯坦人

so she was like, "Pft,

她說 噗

call me when someone steals your whole country."

真的有人偷你國家再跟我說吧

(audience groans)

（觀眾躁動）

I did not know if Ms Jenai was just messing with me,

我不知道哲奈老師只是鬧我

or if she actually knew I was from Taiwan,

還是她其實知道我來自台灣

'cause that shit happened 70 years ago, all right.

因為七十年前我們國家就是被偷走啦

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Take that, Miss Jenai.

怕了吧 哲奈老師

But anyway, I was still angry right.

但 我還是很生氣啊

So I punched Henry and got thrown in detention.

就揍了亨利 然後就被送去留校察看

Now the worst part about detention is not detention itself.

留校最糟的不是留校這件事本身

It's having to explain what detention is

而是要解釋留校察看的概念

to your Taiwanese parents.

給你身為傳統台灣人的父母聽

You know that day I got home, my mom was like,

你知道 那天我回家 我媽問我

"Why are you home so late?

怎麼這麼晚回家？

What's detention?"

留校察看是什麼？

And I tried to play it down.

我試著不講處罰

I was like, "You know, it's not that big of a deal.

我說 沒有那麼嚴重

All that happens is, after school we have to stay

就只是放學後

in this big classroom.

我們要到大教室

This really boring-looking teacher in the front forces us

前面有個無聊的老師在台上

to finish our homework.

逼我們把作業寫完

After one or two hours, we're free to go."

一兩小時後就可以走了

And at this point, my dad came storming in.

這時候我爸衝進來

He was like, "What happened at school today?

他問 今天學校怎麼了？

What did Brian do again?"

博恩又幹麻了！

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

And my mom was like, "Can you believe what your son

我媽說 你相信嗎 我們家兒子

did at school today?

在學校做了什麼好事？

He found a free tuition center!"

他找到免費補習班！

My dad was like, "But we pay for that shit!"

我爸說 我們明明就有繳學費！

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Yeah, I've done some studying abroad.

我有到國外留學的經驗

I finished my Masters in Paris actually.

事實上我讀的研究所在巴黎

Now Paris is a city that's very, very different

巴黎是座非常不一樣的城市

from my hometown Taipei, very different.

相較於我老家台北 非常不同

Everything is different, like the way we greet each other is very different.

一切都不一樣 例如打招呼的方式 也很不同

So in Taiwan when we greet each other,

在台灣 我們打招呼的時候

we do this really held back, this like, "Hi."

超級保持距離 像這樣

(chuckles)

（笑）

I dunno, yeah 'cause like in Taiwan,

不知道耶 在台灣

we avoid physical contact at all costs.

我們不惜一切避免肢體接觸

Like we don't embrace each other,

不擁抱

we don't shake hands, we do this.

不握手 只是揮揮手

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

But when you're in Paris, and you meet your friend,

但在巴黎跟朋友打招呼

you're supposed to kiss them?

原來規矩是要親他們喔？

I was not prepared for this.

我完全沒心理準備

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

You know first day of school I get to my classroom,

開學我走進教室

meet my female classmates,

遇到女同學

we're like, "Salut, salut, mwah, mwah."

我們就 你好 你好 親 親

I came so hard.

我整個凍未條

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

You guys gotta understand.

你們要了解

Like as an Asian dude, this is as far as I get

身為亞洲男 這是我人生中

with European women.

能被歐洲女「寵幸」的極致

This is carpe diem right there.

人生苦短 惜福好嗎

This is like, seize the day.

啊嘶 把握人生

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

But like next day, I went to school

隔天我去學校

with this huge backpack.

背著大大的後背包

And all my classmates were like, "Wow Brian, you study so hard, you're so diligent."

我同學都說 哇博恩 你好用功 超認真

I'm like, "Nah man, this is all underwear, dude."

我說 不是啦 整包都是內褲

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I gotta keep myself dry throughout the day,

讓我整天保持乾爽

all your greetings and shit.

還不都是你們亂親害的

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

It's very different, it's very different,

真的很不一樣 很不同 一切都是

For example, the metro system.

例如 地鐵系統

So both Taipei and Paris, we have metro systems.

台北跟巴黎都有捷運系統

But the things inside are a little bit different.

但站內設施有些差異

So in Taipei, our metro, we have bathrooms, right, we have toilets.

台北捷運有洗手間 有廁所

But in Paris, they have walls.

巴黎呢 地鐵站內有牆壁

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

So for those of you who have never been to Paris,

你沒去過巴黎的話

you can basically pee wherever you want.

跟你說 基本上想尿哪都可以

(audience chuckles)

（觀眾笑）

It's like this giant urinal.

像個超巨型小便斗

Probably why Chinese tourists like going there so often.

所以中國觀光客才這麼常去吧

(audience groans)

（觀眾躁動）

Yeah, I'm Taiwanese I get to say that.

對 我是台灣人 所以可以這樣說

I check my privilege.

我有這個特權

But anyway, the point is, it's super different.

但無論如何 重點是 超級不一樣

And so another thing, in the metro system,

另一件不一樣的事

both metro systems have vending machines.

兩邊的地鐵站都有販賣機

But in Paris, their vending machines sell condoms.

但巴黎的地鐵站賣保險套

Yeah l'amour, right.

浪漫的法國人 我知道

Whereas in Taipei,

在台北呢

we sell tissues.

我們賣衛生紙

(audience chuckles)

（觀眾笑）

Yeah, tells you something about our night lives.

說明了我們的夜生活

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

It's also the reason why we don't shake hands.

所以我們才不握手啊

"I'm fine, thank you."

不握手沒關係 謝謝

Thank you guys so much, that's my time.

謝謝大家 我的表演時間到此結束

(audience cheers)

（觀眾歡呼）