- Hi, everything else in this room is a mess.

Just keep watching me, okay.

Did I have another video planned for today?

Yes.

Am I feeling so horrific

that I'm refusing to leave my bed

even to put make up on?

Yes.

Does that mean you're gonna have to sit through this

entire video staring at my millipede eyebrows?

Also yes.

Do I care about that?

Not in the slightest.

Okay, maybe a bit.

They are really stupid eyebrows.

Today, I feel awful.

That's not fair, not the worst,

it's not like the worst I've ever felt,

it's a sliding scale,

from mildly ill to pneumonia.

Today, I just woke up not my best, I've got a sore throat,

I feel disgustingly nauseous, I feel like an animal has died

inside of me, fiends everywhere.

No, I just feel like inside, you know, 'cause this...

Can I explain?

Do you ever get that feeling sometimes

where you just feel like one of your organs

has decided to vacate?

Like, just nah?

That's how I feel.

Just pounding brain,

and I feel like all my bones

are grinding on each other.

So, for me, being ill,

which is a kind of funny term,

because obviously, my normal is technically ill,

but I still call feeling worse being ill.

Basically, I have two types

of a bad day, in bed,

and it's either that my body is like "Pfft, nah,"

I've given up, but my brain still works,

or it's that my everything, everything has given up.

And I thought that today was a day

where my body was bad, but my mind was good,

so I could still work from a laptop,

and edit and stuff.

But now, I'm trying to film this video,

and I'm realizing, maybe my brain is not doing so well.

And luckily, thanks to all of you,

I have a job that is very flexible,

and I can do it from my bed.

And I'm sort of my own boss.

I'm not, really.

You're my boss.

I guess I'm my own line manager.

Sorry, my top keeps falling down.

This is an original 1950s night dress, okay?

It doesn't like to stay on me.

It recognizes I was born too late.

So yes, since my job involves raising awareness

of disabilities and chronic illness,

I don't need to worry too much

on the days that I feel awful, because...

I mean, other than not being able to make videos,

which means that I can't then make money,

but the job that I have

is about raising awareness of the not doing well,

so the not doing well doesn't have to make it bad.

I keep seeing this thing

out of the corner of my eye,

and assuming that it's Clara standing right there,

and it's not, it's just my coat,

which Clara would never wear, so weird choice.

Is this filming?

It was filming.

But, I have had a Lemsip, by the way.

Maybe I need another Lemsip.

I should have another, I'm gonna message Clara.

I've definitely run out of my Lemsip.

Train of thought.

So, why do I keep working when I feel terrible?

Like, when I feel really bad, why do I keep going?

So, I was given an honorary PhD last year.

Don't worry, this is going somewhere,

it's not just me bragging.

It's a little bit me bragging.

So, I was awarded the PhD by Worcester University,

a good university,

for my services to awareness-raising

of disabilities and chronic illness,

being an advocate and activist thing.

And it would be dishonest of me

if I didn't show you what everything looked like.

Which is not to say that the happy,

"Yay, let's skip through a field,"

or "have excessive fun on a tricycle" is not me,

because is, I just...

Changeable.

And things come with a balancing dollop

of "can do good stuff,"

"can only stay in bed."

Wow.

But sometimes, I struggle to share negatives,

and to share the negative of me.

I think both because for my own mental health,

I tend to take negatives,

and then I put them to one side.

Not always consciously.

I think my brain, I've just trained it

to focus on positives,

and find positives in everything,

and it's therefore much easier to do

than if I'm looking for a negative in something.

But it's also because I've been ill for a very long time,

and I don't necessarily remember

what a normal body feels like,

and how to explain how my body feels

to someone who has a normal body,

and how to conceptualize that for them,

in a way that is understandable for them.

So I told Claude last night

that my body was close to hitting the wall,

which is when everything just shuts down, and I flop.

And I told her it was like when you're running,

and then everything seizes up,

and you taste that blood,

and you cannot run any more.

Hi, you can come bring me Lemsip, it's fine.

Thank you.

That was very fast.

It's very efficient service here!

- [Clara] You're welcome!

- So, I told her it was like running,

and everything clenches,

and you feel like you can't go any further,

and she said, "You don't know what running feels like."

And was offended, for all of about a second,

before I realized that "Yeah, yeah, no,

"she's got a point, fine."

Oh God, my back is very painful today.

I don't know what running feels like in someone else's body.

I know what running feels like in my body.

Do I?

I know what running felt like in my body.

When was the last time I ran somewhere?

I don't necessarily know what it feels like

to have a body that isn't in pain, or isn't tired,

and that, therefore, I think, leaves me with gaps

as to how best to explain things.

I try and relate it to things

that people often experience, or can conceptualize.

So, often, when I feel really bad,

I feel like I am entirely made of scar tissue,

like I am a scab that got picked off too soon.

No, I'm not the scab.

I'm the skin underneath the scab

that got picked off too soon.

Because most people will have had, at some point, a scab,

and probably picked it too soon.

I feel like I should maybe

have put in some kind of a warning

about there being a scab reference.

We'll do that, we'll go back.

It's fine, it's fine.

Or, I try to relate it to, trigger warning, vomiting,

that feeling that you get before you vomit,

because most people will have, at some point, been ill,

or got too drunk, or, why else would you be sick?

I don't know.

They would have been sick.

Most people have been sick, right?

Even if it was just when you were a kid.

And you remember that feeling right before,

where you're like, "Oh God, it's happening, whoa,"

and you can't control your body from doing something.

And it's often a very brief feeling,

but for ill people, it's a similar feeling,

it just lasts longer.

I feel like my head is made of cotton wool,

and I don't know that I'm explaining properly.

And also, this Lemsip's really hot,

but I really want to drink it.

Someone told me the other day

that they knew an author who said

that the driving factor in all of his books was Lemsip,

and having a Lemsip every morning

made him a great writer.

I feel that, I feel that.

I'm gonna make more writing content on my channel,

yet I am unclear as to how.

What would that look like?

It can't be very fascinating.

It would just be me, like, I don't know.

Watching me write probably isn't very fun.

Although, I could do a livestream,

because that would encourage me to continue writing,

'cause I'll have to sit there

with all of you watching me.

And you could do something at the same time,

like your homework, for instance.

And then every time I hit another page,

we'll have a little celebration together.

Would that work?

Would that be a livestream

that anyone would like to see?

Let's try that, and see what happens.

That's not what this video's about.

Another thing, I don't know

how people can recognize what's wrong with their body.

Often, I really struggle

to isolate the thing that's wrong.

Is it my heart, is it my stomach,

is it my intercostal muscles

that feels particularly weird?

Yesterday, I had this feeling that was like...

It was here, so that's where my heart is,

so I guess it was my heart,

and it was like, is it beating too fast?

Is it beating too slow?

I just can't tell.

But weird.

And granted, having difficulty

getting feedback from your body

is part of my nervous condition, so...

"Nervous condition", makes it sound like I'm nervous.

My nerve condition.

My nerves, the things that feel stuff in your body.

Yes, so it's part of that,

but also, I've just never been good at it.

Difficult to explain what's wrong

when you can't tell yourself,

you can't figure it out yourself,

but you also do not have the words...

It's very difficult to explain what's wrong

when you cannot tell within yourself,

but you also don't have the correct words

to convey it to others,

because we're all so varied.

We all have very different bodies.

Which is actually why I also like making videos like this,

because if you are struggling too,

or if you are feeling better now,

but you were struggling before,

and you want to show someone what that feels like,

you can send them this video.

It could be like, "Hey,

"my brain is also taking a vacation today,

"like Jessica's brain."

It's not true, I'm talking to you,

so obviously I'm not as bad, but...

Mainly, I wanted to talk about when I get comments

that say things like, "Oh, you don't have to.

"You don't have to film, you don't have to do things."

Just take some time off, and do whatever.

And I'm not just saying comments on the internet,

I'm saying comments in real life,

whether that be family or friends, whatever,

people who are like, "It's fine, just don't do it."

I can't just not!

I acknowledge that it's a nice comment,