Welcome to another Eilts essay writing video.

I would like to thank those of you who submitted essays to me this past week for our online essay contest.

What you can see on your screen is a photo off all the essays after I finished grading them and laying them out in order of quality.

In total, 27 essays were submitted.

I've posted them to the Blawg, and I've done so in order of quality.

The essays denoted by Green are essays that scored, uh, above a seven Blue indicates essays scoring around a six and red denotes essays scoring under a six.

Now before we get down to analyzing the essays themselves.

I just wanted to explain how I went about gauging the quality of the essays.

I agree did all essays using the aisles writing band descriptors, which is this file here, and this file is available from I'll Start or GE.

I will post a link to it, um, from this block post as well.

So let's take a look at the band descriptors together.

Let me zoom in.

Now what you can see is that there are four columns along the top.

The first being task response, which refers to how effectively your essay response to the problem you are presented in your task to question coherence and cohesion, refer to the ability and ease with which the reader can comprehend what you have written and how well you have linked your various ideas together.

Lexical resources refer to the choice and accuracy of the words the student uses and whether or not these words convey an idea clearly.

And the last column is grammatical range and accuracy, which engages the students control and usage of English grammar.

So now the charts indicates very specifically what essay would score in each of these categories at what band and when reading your essays.

I used this chart exclusively, and I feel confident That's the decisions I made based on this chart, um, would reflect fairly accurately, um, the marks a student would receive on the Isles exam.

So once again, this is a chart that's available publicly from I'll Start or GE, and you can download it yourself.

Okay, so now that we know how task to written responses or assessed, let's talk about the results of the contest.

So switch back to this file in here.

Well, okay, so we were lucky enough to have two winners in our contest.

And you can see on the website.

The first and second essay I've posted are in green.

One is from our friend in the Philippines, and another is from a friend of ours from China who lives in Australia.

So congratulations to you.

If you are one of the writers of these essays, Theo essays, thes people submitted were very good.

And I think that you will agree that they're deserving off the best essay title.

So what I would like to do is to read through these two essays with you and to look at and analyze exactly what makes these essays effective.

So according to our writing band Descriptors chart the chart that we just looked at together, these two essays would both score above a seven.

So now let's go back to our file here.

And let's start by reading through the question that was posted to my blood last week that so many of you responded to the question reads.

Someday, paper, money and coins will be replaced by credit cards and online methods of monetary exchange.

Do you agree or disagree.

So Theo Essay question is very straightforward.

It presents a point of view, which is that, um, Elektronik.

Forms of monetary exchange are going to one day take the place of physical money.

And then we're presented with a very straightforward question.

Which is, Do you agree or disagree?

No.

The most straightforward way to respond to this essay question is to write an argument essay, which most of you did.

However, there were a few students that decided they were going to try to respond in a discussion style of essay.

And unfortunately, ah, it makes it a little bit more difficult to follow, as the the essay question is, is clearly asking us to take a position.

Do you agree with this statement, or do you disagree with the statement?

There's no riel, huh?

In between.

So before we even get to the essays, um, I feel that this essay question would have been best responded to in an argument style of essay.

Okay, now let's read through.

The first essay together on this essay was submitted to me by our friend in the Philippines.

People nowadays are presented with numerous ways of paying for purchases both the traditional paper, money and coins and the much newer ways of payment, such as credit cards, are available in most establishments.

However, it is argued that eventually the modern way of monetary exchange will replace the use of paper, money and coins.

This will be proven by looking at the advantages of modern monitor, a money exchange over the traditional forms of payment.

Firstly, it is now increasingly common for people to shop online to illustrate.

An American study once showed that more and more Americans are now doing their Christmas shopping online instead of trooping to the stores to buy gifts for their look loved ones.

Since paper, money and coins cannot be used to pay for online purchases, this example makes it clear that there are instances when traditional money cannot be used for payment.

Thus, it is clear that eventually people will embrace the modern ways of monetary exchange for that to be able to participate in online commerce.

Additionally, the security features of credit cards and online methods of monetary exchange give authorities think capability of tracing the use of court of the Kurds.

On the other hand, if person carrying money is robbed it is difficult to find out where the stolen money is used.

It is therefore argued that the safety features of modern money monetary exchange will be invaluable for people who wants to keep their hard earned money safe.

As this benefit is sought by many, it is clear that credit cards will be chosen by people more often as their payment method.

After looking at the above, it can be seen that modern monetary exchange has advantages over paper, money and coins.

It is thus expected that the use of credit cards and online monetary exchange will eventually replace the traditional forms of payment.

Okay, so now let's talk about why that essay is effective.

And when we look at the entire essay, it is structured into four paragraphs.

The first is an introduction.

The second and third are supporting paragraphs, and the final paragraph is a conclusion.

The essay contains a very clear thesis, so we'll just scroll back up here a second now in the first paragraph.

Um, see here, however, it is argued that eventually the modern way of monetary exchange will replace the use of paper, money and coins.

So when we read this essay in the introduction.

We know very clearly what's position the writer has taken.

This writer then goes on to tell us what they're going to talk of him.

So this will be proven by looking at the advantages of modern money exchange over the traditional forms of payment.

Okay, perhaps they could have been a little bit more specific here, but they do provide us with sort of a plan for the rest of the essay.

Okay, The essay uses strong examples that air pulled from real life.

So I think there was the mention of some American study in American study and the essay makes reference to the thesis regularly.

If you're new to essay writing, please take note during this video At the end of each of the supporting paragraphs, the student references their thesis.

Let's take a look.

Now, this is the end of the first supporting paragraph.

Okay, let's read it.

Thus, it is clear that eventually people will embrace the modern ways of monetary exchange for them to be able to participate in online commerce.

This is a direct reference back to the thesis which states that people will take take on Elektronik forms of payments in place of of physical money.

Okay, so a direct reference back to the thesis.

Now they It's not that they only do this once they do it again In their seconds supporting paragraph, let's take a look.

As this benefit is sought by many, it is clear that credit cards will be chosen by people more often as their payment method.

Another reference back to the thesis.

So, as you can see, this is an essay that is working at the S a level.

It is not simply giving us a bunch of examples and assuming that the reader is going to put the argument together in their head, No, that's not it at all.

This students has written very clearly supporting points and has linked those supporting points.

Those examples back to the thesis and that helps to strengthen the essay overall.

Very good example of cohesion here.

Okay, Now what you will notice if we take a closer look at the wording of the essay is that every sentence, almost every sentence uses cohesive phrases After looking at the above, what is the above?

The above is information that the students presented before.

This is nothing new.

This is something that has been shown to us already in the preceding sentence.

Lots of of the word.

Thus we also see, I think, because of this couple other words to show a link and to show a conclusion that can be drawn from the points that the students brought him.

Let me take a look at my notes here.

Okay?

The student employs a fairly wide range of vocabulary.

And as you noticed, as we read along that the grammar is quite accurate.

There are a few points that you might have picked up on that could be worded a little bit better, but on the whole, the grammar is pretty good.

One key note we might make is that there are a number of sentences in this essay that are without grammatical error.

And that is a key distinguishing feature between essays at Theseventy above level and essays at the six and blow low.

Okay, And I suppose my final positive point for this essay would be that it is.

It's very easy to understand from the beginning to the end.

There's no point in the essay where the reader feels a little bit lost or confused regarding what the writer is trying to say.

So a number of positive points for this essay.

Now let's talk about a few of the things this essay could have done.

Better.

You might have noticed that there is some light repetition in the essay.

A few phrases and words are, um, used a few times over.

I, for example, I think the student uses the phrase monetary exchange, which, as you can see on the screen here, uh, you know, we could have found another way, uh, two to refer to this idea other than monetary exchange.

I believe it.

It appears four or five times, Uh, as I mentioned before, there are some slightly awkward wordings in a few areas.

But as I also mentioned, that doesn't really detract from our understanding of the students work.

So congratulations, this student.

This is a strong essay.

Let's go to our second essay, which was submitted by our friend in Australia, who is originally from China.

As our world becomes increasingly technology dependence, online payments and credit cards, I have no doubt become a much more prominent method of purchasing goods, and service is It is, however, disagreed that banknotes and coins will be completely eradicated in the future.

As a result of this development, this will be proven by looking at the Tanja bility of modern currencies as well as the security risk involved with virtual transactions.

First of all, the modern day paper and mental currency is a convenient, tangible medium of exchange.

Online.

Creditcards, or electronic exchanges, which often take time to transfer banknotes and coinage, have actually have actual physical existence, which provides the bearer and merchant and instant exchange of material asset.

This not only will simplify the exchange process progress, I think they meant to take process, but also allow the immediate use of cash for other transactions.

Thus, the feasibility of using cash will no doubt secure its existence in society.

In addition to this, many transactions involving the use of credit cards or online payments can entail a lot of security risk.

For example, if a credit card has been stolen and tempered with, I think that's supposed to be tampered with fraudulent transactions.

Can Oakar, the person who comes across such misfortune, will most likely be charged for any purchases that someone else has made?

Thus, this clearly shows that using other payment methods other than coins or paper money can be unsafe and will not be used as the sole source exchange for this reason.

After looking at how modern currency can be easier for daily use and the security risk involved with credit cards or other online payment methods, it has been shown why currencies will never be completely replaced by any other exchange mediums.

It is, therefore, hopes that people can continue the use of modern currencies for its many benefits.

Okay, he gets my notes out here.

This essay now, Um, what I like about these two essays when giving you an example of a good essay is that they take the opposite positions.

So as we saw in the first essay, this was a person who felt that in the future, Elektronik forms of monetary exchange will prevail and perhaps replace physical physical money.

This student has taken the opposite position.

But what we see is that the structure of both estates is the same, and the merits within both that both essays are also very similar.

So in this essay we see a very strong thesis from the beginning which I will take a second and point out to you.

Um, okay, it is disagreed.

It is how it is, however, disagrees that banknotes and coins will be completely eradicated in the future as a result of this development.

Another nice use of cohesion this student has employed by using this.

They're referring to what they were saying before.

Is that about Elektronik currency becoming more and more popular?

They said, even though this is happening, um, it will never completely replace the use of physical money.

So this is a very, very straightforward, clear, concise thesis.

And any essay examiner, any aisles examiner will right away see the link between this essay and the essay question.

So of course, then that's a, um that's gonna help your task achievement portion of the mark.

So that's my first point.

That, he says, is clear.