They say thank you a lot, they make each other cups of tea, they can look rather horrified when there’s a mention of a squabble in someone else’s life.

很常互相道謝、幫彼此泡茶，並且在提到別的情侶會爭吵時，顯得相當驚恐。

It's understandable if they’re, privately, a little pleased with themselves.

他們在私底下會稍微「自我感覺良好」也是可以理解的。

But surface harmony isn’t, in reality, any reliable sign of health in love because it’s impossible to try to merge two lives without regularly encountering deep sources of incompatibility.

然而實際上，表面上和諧並不等於戀愛關係就健康。因為在揉合兩個人生活時，想要完全避開彼此生活中深層問題是不可能的。

A lack of arguments is more likely to be a sign that we have given up caring than a superhuman achievement of maturity.

缺乏爭執反而更可能是已不再在乎的跡象，而不是兩人超乎常人地成熟懂事。

The goal isn’t, therefore, to do away with arguments, but to find our way towards their more fruitful variety.

因此，最終目標並不是擺脫爭執，而是找到吵得更有成效的方式。

We need to learn to argue well rather than not argue at all.

我們需要學習「如何吵架」，而不是「如何不吵架」。

What, then, are some of the ideas that might help us to have better arguments?

那有什麼能幫助我們「吵」得更好呢？

The single greatest idea that can help us to argue more constructively is to remind ourselves publicly

能幫助我們吵得更有建設性的重要觀念，就是公開地提醒彼此：

that we are ⏤ both of us ⏤ by nature, deeply imperfect and, at points, quite plainly mad.

我們天生不完美，而且時不時會怒髮衝冠。

The enemy of mature arguments is self-righteousness.

成熟吵架的最大敵人就是「自以為是」。

The sense that we might be beyond fault and that our partner must either be wicked for making a mistake or unfairly critical in alleging that we have been guilty of one.

也就是覺得自己都沒有錯，肯定是伴侶錯怪自己或是想把錯推自己身上。

It is of immense benefit if relationships can be conducted under the assumed truth that both participants are idiotic,

而其實在一場戀愛關係中，如果兩個人各自假設對方愚蠢、

mentally wobbly, quite flawed in manifold ways, and, so, constantly in need of forgiveness.

情緒不穩、在各方面充滿缺陷，因而總是需要彼此的寬恕，反而對關係的維繫有很大幫助。

It is an implicit faith in our own perfection that turns us into monsters.

我們暗自以為自己完美無缺，結果反而讓我們變成傷人的怪獸。

People concede points not when they’re aggressively told they’re wrong, but when they feel loved.

人並不會在被咄咄逼人地指責哪裡做錯時讓步，而會在感受到對方的愛時讓步。

We get stubborn and withhold the truth when we’re scared and suspect that the person challenging us, hates us,

我們會在感到害怕，並懷疑那個在質疑我們的人其實恨我們、

means us harm, can never forgive us, and is, perhaps, about to leave us.

想要傷害我們、永遠不會原諒我們、最後會拋下我們時，變得頑固且隱瞞事實真相。

It is indispensable to preface every criticism with an assurance of ongoing love.

每次在進行批評之前，先保證自己仍愛著對方是非常重要的。

People change very slowly, and seldom when they are harassed into doing so.

人改變的速度很慢，而當被迫這麼做的時候就更不想做了。

We must strive not to be desperate for change in our partners.

我們必須努力讓自己不要執著於改變伴侶。

We must make our peace with the idea that they won’t evolve as we would wish on the timescale that would suit us.

我們必須習慣的對方不會完全依照我們希望的時間進度改變自己。

We should be rather pessimistic about human nature in order to encounter one or two grounds for hope.

我們得對人類的本質抱有某種程度的悲觀心態，才能因此感受到隨之而來的希望。

We shouldn’t aggravate our frustration by a sense that we have been uniquely cursed in ending up in this relationship.

我們不應該覺得好像只有自己在為這段感情患得患失，並因此不斷感到挫折。

Of course they are annoying sometimes ⏤ everyone in the world would be equally tricky at points, and often, probably a lot worse.

當然伴侶有時候確實惱人－世界上每個人都會有難搞的時候，而且通常可能還會演變成更嚴重的情況。

The specifics of why we are in an irritating dispute may be local, but that we are in one at all is a universal destiny.

發生惱人爭吵的緣由因人因事而異，但只要是人都遲早會和別人吵架。

We should laugh darkly at the human tragedy.

我們應該對這樣的人類悲劇性本質一笑置之。

Our partner is only ever frightened, worried, or not thinking straight rather than bad.

我們的伴侶不是什麼壞蛋，他們只是害怕、擔心，或只是一時沒想清楚而已。

Just like us, they carry a lot of emotional baggage; they have been shaped by their complex, and at moments, very troubled history.

就像我們自己一樣，他們也承擔了很多情緒包袱。他們受到自身的複雜內在，以及有時困難重重的過往所形塑。

Much of what they do isn’t directly about us, but is a way of coping with difficulties that came into their life long before we met them.

他們做的事情很多並不是直接針對我們，而是一種早在與我們相識之前，就培養出來用來應對難題的方式。

Choose the moment.

選好時機。

We can be under the illusion that arguing is an exchange of intellectual ideas.

我們有時會誤以為爭執是種能夠交流知性思想的方式。

But it is largely a process reliant on our emotions and is decisively influenced by such easily-overlooked matters as how much sleep we’ve had, how much we’ve drunk, and what time it is.

但其實爭執很大一部分是由情緒主導，並且會受我們睡了多少、喝了多少酒、幾點等等許多容易被忽視的因素影響。

As a general rule, wait till tomorrow.

所以一般而言，還是等到明天再說吧。

Don’t let the relationship die from misplaced politeness or embarrassment; dare to name the problem, however shocking it might sound.

不要因為過度的客套或是覺得尷尬，而讓愛情關係消亡。勇敢地把問題指出來，不論內容聽起來有多嚇人。

As long as it’s been carefully wrapped in layers of love, the truth is normally bearable to those who care for us.

只要你的言語有用愛情小心地包裹起來，真心在乎我們的人們通常都還是能夠接受真相的。

It doesn’t matter if we’re right; we must be prepared to forego all the pleasures of proving a point.

我們本身正不正確並不重要；我們必須捨棄掉證明自己說的才是對的所能帶來的那種喜悅感。

We’re not not trying to win, but to live as happily as possible with another person who is, in the end, our best friend and on our side.

我們並不是要贏得爭論，而是要和那個到頭來身為我們最好朋友且站在我們這方的另一個人，盡可能快樂地生活在一起。

Despite all this, we will, of course, still have furious rows; we will call each other the worst things, slam doors, and cry.

儘管如此，我們當然還是會在盛怒下做出粗暴行徑；我們會用最糟糕的詞語稱呼對方、摔門，然後嚎啕大哭。

It’s hugely normal.

這相當的正常。

The capacity to be horrible to a partner is even a strange, though genuine, feature of love.

粗魯對待自己的伴侶甚至其實是種奇怪但真誠的愛情表現。

A relationship has to include the madder, more unreasonable parts of our nature; if we are only ever polite, it’s because we have not been made to feel safe.

戀愛關係中仍必須保有一種更為瘋狂、非理性的部分。如果我們總是相敬如賓，代表我們的心中其實沒有安全感。

A row may have to be the turbulent passage towards the kind of deeper reconciliation we long for.

爭吵就好像戀愛航班上經歷的亂流，讓我們能朝著內心所期望的，對彼此更深層次的和解前進。

It can, at points, be important to say some wild and hurtful things to halt a drift apart.

有的時候，敢於口不擇言說出瘋狂和傷人的話，其實正是讓兩人不再逐漸背離的關鍵。

By foregrounding for a while the most extreme points of conflict, we set up the conditions for reconnecting with larger areas of closeness.

藉由暫時推導出一個個極端的爭執點，我們反而能創造出能讓彼此在其他更廣領域中互相聯繫的機會。

We now remember that, despite an evening squabbling like the frightened, foolish, barely semi-rational idiots we are,

我們得記得，儘管我們像是飽受驚嚇、愚蠢、僅存一半理智的笨蛋一般吵了架，

we do love them deeply nevertheless, and will strive, with all our will ⏤ and perhaps with the help of the odd film like this ⏤ to argue a little more sensibly next time.

我們依然深愛著對方，並且會竭盡所能，或許有時在像這樣的影片幫助下，用更理智的態度去面對下次爭執。

Our Relationship Reboot cards inspire conversations that can help to rekindle love between you and your partner.

我們的「重塑情感」卡牌能夠激發出幫助你與伴侶重燃愛火的對話。

Be sure to subscribe to our channel and turn on notifications.

記得要訂閱本頻道，並開啟通知喔。