law courts and school debating traditions – that the person who is ‘right’ or

-我們談戀愛時通常會出現這種錯誤見解

has the stronger case should, legitimately, ‘win’ any argument. But this is fundamentally

-‘正確’的或握有充分證據的那一方合理地‘贏得’爭論。

to misunderstand what the point of relationships might be. It is not to defeat an opponent

但這根本上誤解了在一起的意義。

(there are no prizes for ‘winning’ other than self-satisfied loneliness) so much as

在一起不是為了戰勝另一半 (贏家沒有獎賞，除了自我滿足的孤獨感)，

to try to help each other to evolve into the best versions of ourselves. There’s a kind

而是讓雙方進步而成最好的自己。

of argument that erupts when one partner has a largely correct insight into the problems

當其中一方對他們另一半有著大量正確的洞見， 某種爭執就會出現。

of their partner. With a stern, masterful and almost gleeful tone, they may declare:

他們可能會用嚴厲，熟練和近乎開心的語氣斷言：

‘you’ve been drinking too much’; ‘you hogged the conversation at the party’; ‘you’re

‘你喝太多了’;‘你在派對上滔滔不絕’;‘你總是誇大其詞’; ‘你不夠有責任感’;‘你花太多時間

always boasting’; ‘you don’t take enough responsibility’, ‘you waste too much time

上網’;‘你運動做不夠’。

online’ or ‘you never take enough exercise’. The insight is not wrong; that is what is

洞見並沒錯，卻是如此棘手。

so tricky. The critic is correct but they are unable to ‘win’ because there are

批評的那一方是正確的，卻無法獲勝，

no prizes in love for correctly discerning the flaws of our partners. Indeed, paradoxically,

因為在愛情中，正確地看清對方的缺點並不會贏得獎賞。

by attacking a partner with clinical energy, we reduce our chances of ever reaching the

用冷漠的能量攻擊對方其實似是而非，

real goal: the evolution of the person we have to live with. When we’re on the receiving

我們減少機會達到真正的目標：必須和我們住在一起的人的成長。

end of a difficult insight into our failings, what makes us bristle and deny everything

當我們承受著難以對我們所犯錯誤的困難觀察，

isn’t generally the accusation itself (we know our flaws all too well), it’s the surrounding

讓我們憤怒以及逃避一切的並不是指責本身，

atmosphere. We know the other is right, we just can’t bear to take their criticism

（我們非常瞭解錯誤）而是周遭圍繞的氛圍。

on board, given how severely it has been delivered. We start to deny everything, not because the

我們明白另一半是對的，

accusations are wrong, but because we are terrified: the light of truth is shining too

明白批評有多麽嚴重，我們就是無法接受

brightly. The fear is that if we admitted our failings, we would be crushed, shown up

於是我們開始去逃避一切，

as worthless, required to attempt an arduous, miserable process of change without requisite

不是因為指責是錯誤，

sympathy – and that – unless and until we reform ourselves – we would have no claim

而是我們嚇壞了：真理的燈閃得太亮。

on the affections or forgiveness of the other. That’s why we insist that we do actually

我們恐懼的是承認自己的錯誤，

do enough exercise, that we have been working very hard and that we have never wasted time

我們會被擊碎，顯得一文不值，

on any embarrassing websites. We feel so burdened with shame and guilt already, a lover’s

被要求去沒有必要的同情嘗試艱難、

further upbraiding feels impossible to listen to. There’s too much pre-existing fragility

-並且-除非我們自己改變，

in our psyches for us to admit to another difficult insight into what’s wrong with

我們不會要求對方的情感支持或原諒。

us. The irony of the defensive argument is that it’s the overly-confrontational pursuit

這就是為什麼我們堅持自己有做足夠的運動，

of truth that will make the truth impossible to reach. In the philosophy of lying there’s

我們已經很認真工作，

a central historical example of what is termed the ‘just lie’ outlined by the ancient

還有我們從沒浪費任何時間在難以啟齒的網頁上。

Greek philosopher Plato. If a crazed person comes to us and asks ‘where’s the axe?’

當我們已背負著羞恥和罪惡感，

we are entitled to lie and say we don’t know – because we understand that were we

愛人的進一步斥責更是不可能聽進去。

to tell them the truth, they would probably use the tool to do something horrendous to

我們心裏早已變得太脆弱，

us. That is, we can reasonably tell a lie when our life is in danger. In a couple, our

而無法承認另一個有關指出我們做錯的困難洞見。

partner may not literally be searching for an axe when they ask us an inquisitorial question,

防禦性爭論的諷刺性在於，

but psychologically, this is precisely how we might experience them – which makes it

過度對抗錯誤而追求真相反倒讓真相變得遙不可及。

at least a little understandable if we say we simply don’t know what they are talking

說謊的哲學中有一個歷史性核心例子，

about. It may feel unfair to ask an accuser to take responsibility for our vulnerability.

柏拉圖稱之為正義的謊言。

But if they want to help their relationship, they will need to make it abundantly clear

如果一個瘋子來問說：斧頭在哪？

that they won’t ever use the truth (if it is acknowledged) as a weapon. What is so sad

我們有資格說我們不知道-

is how easily we (as the accused) might, if only the circumstances were more sympathetic,

因為我們了解如果我們告訴他真相，

confess to everything. We would in fact love to unburden ourselves and admit to what is

他們有可能用工具對我們做出可怕的事情。

broken and wounded in us. The answer is to create a situation where both partners accept

也就是說，當生命處於危險時我們可以正當地說謊。

that they are flawed but not – on this basis – ever beyond a need for love and kindness,

有時當夥伴問了追根究柢的問題，他們可能不是真的在找斧頭，

where the mutual need for evolution is taken as a given – and where every well-considered

但心理上，

criticism is handled as both correct and yet needing to be wrapped up in extraordinary

這正是對方帶給我們的感受 –

layers of reassurance. There should be a recognition that people don’t change when they are told

這就使得我們聲稱不懂他們在說什麼稍微合乎情理了。

what’s wrong with them; they change when they feel sufficiently supported to undertake

對於指控的一方而言，要承受對方玻璃心可能不太公平。

the change they (almost always) already know is due. It isn’t enough to be sometimes

但如果他們想幫助關係，

right in relationships, we need to be generous enough in our love in order that our partner

就必須聲明非常清楚他們不會將真相(如果是知識)當作武器。

can admit when they are in the wrong.

令人傷心的是，我們很容易只有當情況氛圍更有同情心時會承認一切。

Love is a skill that we can learn. Our relationships book calmly guides us with calm and charm

才願意吐露自己的心碎以及受到的傷。

through the key issues of relationships. To ensure that success in love need not be a matter of luck. Click on the link now.

答案是去創造一個雙方接受自己並不完美，